NEW YEAR’S EVE
(At a large building transformed into a party hall)
Partygoer 1: It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!
Partygoer 2: Why?
Partygoer 1: …`Cause it’s a new year! New beginnings, new starts, new initiatives!
Partygoer 2: That’s three ways to say the same thing, and it’ll be none of them.
Partygoer 1: Huh?
Partygoer 2: It’s just another day – the same problems you have right now won’t magically disappear because some arbitrary, human-made, time-telling device says we’ve started a new round of trying to organize the variable, location-dependent seasons into something our puny brains can comprehend. The only actual real-world impact from tonight is that the Earth has reached the same spot in its orbit where it was last year, which we do every day anyway. The whole thing is pretty meaningless when you think about it.
Partygoer 1: (Blinks)
Partygoer 2: (Blinks back)
Partygoer 1: Why are you even at this party?
Partygoer 2: Free booze. (Slurps drink)
Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Partygoer 1: Woo-boo! (Throws glitter into the air and spins a noisemaker; to Partygoer 2) You’ll see: next year will be different!
Partygoer 2: Don’t you mean this year now?
Partygoer 1: Oh.
NEW YEAR’S EVE
(At a large building transformed into a party hall)
Partygoer 1: It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!
Partygoer 2: You again, I see. So was this year any different from last year?
Partygoer 1: It sure was! I got a new job and a new house!
Partygoer 2: Wow, that certainly is different.
Partygoer 1: Darn tootin’! (Spins noisemaker)
Partygoer 2: So: new job to drain your soul and new expenses to drain your bank account?
Partygoer 1: (Looks around shiftily while sipping from a martini glass) Maybe.
Partygoer 2: So: next year you don’t want new beginnings, etc., etc., right? You already got all that this year so next year shouldn’t be different, right?
Partygoer 1: Well….
Partygoer 2: Go on.
Partygoer 1: I would like a new boss – my current one apparently is an escaped demon.
Partygoer 2: Ah, one of those.
Partygoer 1: And I would like better neighbors – and my mortgage interest rate to go down – and that weird leak to go away – and better –
Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Partygoer 2: Whelp, it’s a new year now: time for everything to automatically change no matter what.
Partygoer 1: (Spins noisemaker frantically) Woooo-hooooo! Next year will be different!
Partygoer 2: (Slurps the free booze) You tell `em.
NEW YEAR’S EVE
(At a large building transformed into a party hall)
Partygoer 1: (On crutches) It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!
Partygoer 2: Good heavens, you look awful. How’s life treating you now?
Partygoer 1: Well, not so great, actually: I keep getting weird injuries; a few relatives passed away; demon boss hired a demon coworker for me to play with; half of my new house collapsed – you know, the usual.
Partygoer 2: I see.
Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Partygoer 1: (Swings noisemaker with one hand while holding onto crutches with the other) Wooooooo-hooooooo!!!!! Next year will be different!
Partygoer 2: I don’t doubt it.
NEW YEAR’S EVE
(At a large building transformed into a party hall)
Partygoer 1: It’s –
Partygoer 2: Come off it, mate; it’s just me here.
Partygoer 1: Oh right, never mind.
Partygoer 2: At least the crutches are gone now.
Partygoer 1: Only because both knees’ve been replaced.
Partygoer 2: Ouch.
Partygoer 1: Yeah; I was out from work for two months with all that so demon boss had time to turn the rest of the office against me and promote demon coworker, who is now demon boss #2.
Partygoer 2: Ew.
Partygoer 1: Still, I have a job, and the house repairs are coming along, even though I’m still technically only living in half of it.
Partygoer 2: Is that so.
Partygoer 1: Ooh, ooh, I almost forgot – I won the lotto this year!
Partygoer 2: Well, that’s great.
Partygoer 1: Yeah! Except after taxes it was only about, you know, five bucks. But it felt nice.
Partygoer 2: I see.
Partygoer 1: It’s funny, all these years and I’ve never asked: how’s your year been?
Partygoer 2: Oh, the same as last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and –
Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Partygoer 1: (Spins noisemaker until the top half flies off) WOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Partygoer 2: – but I’m sure next year will be different.
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