Story 430: I Wasn’t Expecting Company Today

 (In the parking lot of Friend 1’s apartment building)

Friend 1: (Struggling to get out of the passenger side of Friend 2’s car while carrying skis and poles, which keep hitting the door frame) Did you ever have buyer’s remorse within an hour of purchase?

Friend 2: I am not driving you back to the mall; we barely made it out intact as it is.

Friend 1: (Constantly falling back into the passenger seat when hitting the door frame) Yeah, but people sure did get out of our way once I had these babies!  Oof.

Friend 2: You don’t ski!

Friend 1: (Takes a short break before trying to get out again) That’s a fallacious argument: I never had skis to ski, so now that I have skis I will ski.

Friend 2: If you’re going to randomly take up a sport then just rent the equipment at a lodge!

Friend 1: Oh.  (Falls back again)

Friend 2: Urgh; let me.  (Unbuckles seat belt, gets out of the car, walks around to the other side, and grabs the skis and poles from Friend 1)

Friend 1: (Gets out of the car and takes the equipment back) Much obliged.

Friend 2: You’d better be.  (Starts to walk back to the driver’s side but slips on some ice and falls) Whoop!

Friend 1: (Stares at the prone figure on the ground for a few moments) You OK?

Friend 2: (Tries to stand but winces in pain) Ah!  No, I think I sprained my ankle.

Friend 1: Drat.  You have a habit of slipping and falling on ice, and of course the one time you actually hurt yourself it’s in my building’s parking lot.

Friend 2: (Tries to stand by leaning on the car) Don’t they salt it at all here?

Friend 1: There’s always a valiant effort, but Nature will not be tamed.

Friend 2: (Still trying to stand) You think you can put down your impulse buys and give me a hand!  (Friend 1 shifts the equipment to one side and starts to clap) Don’t you dare!

Friend 1: (Stops) I couldn’t resist the opening.  (Props the skis and poles up against the car and helps Friend 2 stand) Here, let’s hobble back over to the driver’s side….

Friend 2: I can’t drive like this!

Friend 1: Sure you can; it’s not like the pedals need much pressure; cars practically drive themselves nowadays anyway.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1 as if the latter has two heads) I sprained my ankle: I need an ice pack to keep it from swelling up like a balloon and some bandages to wrap it up, then maybe I can drive myself home.

Friend 1: Oh.  OK, I’ll run up and get some.  (Starts to leave; Friend 2 nearly tips over and grabs onto the car again)

Friend 2: Hold it!

Friend 1: (Turns around) Yep?

Friend 2: I can’t believe I have to ask this: can you help me up to your apartment so I can maybe, I don’t know, lie down while treating my injury?!

Friend 1: Uhhhhhh… you can lie down in the back seat and I’ll bring the stuff to you; no need to exert yourself!  (Turns to leave again)

Friend 2: Halt!  (Friend 1 turns back slowly) I am saying this backed up by decades of friendship: stop being a pill and help me upstairs!

Friend 1: (Cringes, then puts an arm around Friend 2 for support as they both slowly make their way to the building’s elevators) OK, no need to get all weird about it.

Friend 2: Oh hush up.

(At Friend 1’s apartment, the former helps the latter inside, closes the door, and leads the way to the couch in the living room without turning on any lights)

Friend 1: Here we go, right this way, hold on a sec.  (Lets go of Friend 2, who leans against the wall; there are sounds of a number of objects being pushed off the couch and onto the floor)

Friend 2: (Looks around the gloom while taking off coat and gloves) Where’s the light switch in here again?

Friend 1: Huh?  We don’t need it; it’s still daylight out.

Friend 2: Well, it’s twilight in.

Friend 1: Here we go!  (Pushes Friend 2 onto the couch and throws a blanket in the general direction while also taking off coat and gloves) Be right back with ice and bandages!  (Hustles away to the sound of large objects being kicked out of the way)

Friend 2: (Snuggles into the blanket and mutters) Weirdo.

(After a few minutes of sounds of furniture scraping the floor and objects being tossed around in other rooms, Friend 1 returns with an ice pack and bandages)

Friend 1: (Starts to wrap both around Friend 2’s ankle) Lucky these things don’t expire, am-I-right?

Friend 2: (Takes the items out of Friend 1’s hands) I’ll take care of it.  (Holds the ice pack against the ankle, which is propped up on a pillow) You know, this’d be a lot easier if I could actually see what I’m doing.

Friend 1: Hm?  Oh, sure.  (Goes to the wall and lifts the light switch a smidgen) I’ll go make us some tea!  (Dashes to the kitchen and begins banging pots and cabinet doors in there)

Friend 2: (Shakes head and starts measuring out the bandage while icing; this lasts for about a minute before Friend 2 hops off the couch and pushes up the light switch to the max) What the blazes happened here?!  (The entire living room is an indescribable mess)

Friend 1: (Enters, screams, and throws self between Friend 2 and the room) You weren’t supposed to see this!  No one was supposed to see this!

Friend 2: I don’t understand; I just was here, what, a few weeks ago, it was nothing like this – (Gestures at the space in general) disaster!

Friend 1: Three months, OK!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: It’s been three months since I’ve had anyone over here; it’s been so cold I’ve barely gone outside unless absolutely necessary; I finally discovered online shopping and I keep ordering, ordering, ORDERING!  (Collapses onto the couch) I wasn’t expecting company today – if I’d known I would’ve shoved it all in the bedroom and welded the door shut.

Friend 2: (Gingerly sits next to Friend 1 and stretches leg out, still holding the ice pack against the ankle) It’s OK; once I can start walking on my ankle all right again, I’ll help you sort all… this.

Friend 1: (Sniffs and nods) I used to think I could never be one of those who ordered this much useless stuff, not in a million years, and yet, here I am, one of them.

Friend 2: Well, to be fair, this place never really was “company-ready” on a good day – there’s just more things to get rid of now.

Friend 1: Thanks, you’re a real pal.

Friend 2: Don’t mention it.

(There is a knock on the front door)

Friend 1: Who in the world?  (Stands and opens the door) Yes?

Technician: Hi, I’m here for your dryer vent cleaning.

Friend 1: Today of all days!  (Slams the door)

Friend 2: Wait a minute, wouldn’t you had to’ve made an appointment for that?

Friend 1: I think the landlord was trying to be helpful and made it for us.  We knew it was coming, but neither the day nor the hour. (Opens the door again to the Technician still standing there) Step only where I do.  (Leads the Technician to the laundry room; sounds of objects being tossed out of the way and heavy machines being staggered-stepped along the floor fill the air for several minutes before Friend 1 returns to sit on the couch) Glad to do my bit for fire prevention.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  (Lies back on the couch and Friend 1 helps adjust the icing ankle on a pillow) You know, seeing all this – (Points around the room at all the extra accessories and boxes with more accessories waiting inside) the out-of-nowhere ski purchase now makes total sense.

Friend 1: (Eyes widen) The skis!  (Runs out of the apartment and down four flights of stairs back to the car)

Friend2: (Closes eyes as the sounds of dryer vent cleaning combine with the crashes of more boxes falling to the floor) Just one of those friendships that’s comfortable but exhausting.

Story 429: Why Put Off Until Tomorrow What You Can Do Never?

 (In an office)

Coworker 1: (Agitatedly typing a sternly-yet-politely worded e-mail; conversely, <DING> is heard every time an e-mail is received) “And take that you mumble-mumble-mumble.”  That felt good to write; now backspace-backspace-backspace….

Coworker 2: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk and drops a large pile of folders right next to the keyboard) Here you go – bye.  (Starts to trot away)

<DING>

Coworker 1: Hang on a second – (Coworker 2 swings back around) what the blazes is this?!

Coworker 2: `Member when it was announced that the head of Marketing left and all the work was going to be divvied up across the company rather than go through the trauma of hiring and training someone who’ll just wind up leaving in a year?

Coworker 1: …Vaguely.

<DING>

Coworker 2: Well, this is your bit.  (Pats the towering pile of folders lovingly) All these files need follow-up, and at some point also need to be scanned into the database, `cause paperless is the future.

Coworker 1: (Grabs a few random folders to flip through) But there’re hundreds of pages here!

Coworker 2: I know, and I even gave you one of the smaller piles `cause I’ve got weak arms.  Everyone else here is quietly freaking out about this, if it makes you feel any better.

Coworker 1: (Tossing folders haphazardly across the desk; another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the pile and continues onward) It doesn’t!  When exactly am I supposed to do all this when I’m already behind on my regular stuff and on stuff not even assigned to me yet?!

Coworker 2: I dunno – maybe during bathroom breaks?

Coworker 1: Gross.  (Holds up one of the folders) And how’m I supposed to follow up on something like this; the last update’s almost two years old!

<DING>

Coworker 2: (Peers over at the page) Huh.  Guess it’s not high priority.

Coworker 1: (Tosses the folder back onto the pile) Un-flipping-believable.  Wait, I take it back: it’s completely believable since it’s the way every company has ever operated.  (Leans back into the chair and squeezes eyes shut as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the pile and continues onward)

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 2: Seems to me if nothing’s been done on that file for two years, then no one’s going to be looking for it anytime soon – you probably could let it go even longer and no one would notice.

Coworker 1: (Eyes fly open) Hm?

Coworker 2: I’m thinking a lot of files in there are like that: so far overdue, what’s another few days?  Or months?

Coworker 1: (Dreamily) Or years….

Coworker 2: I find most of my own work is like that: a lot of people make you feel like you have to get everything done right away, but 90% of the time, 90% of the work can be done late.  Even hard deadlines can be negotiated with… 90% of the time.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the piles of work on the desk and the files of work on the computer) I never realized.

<DING>

Coworker 2: Yeah, it’s great when you do: it’s the reason why I’m the only one in my department who actually takes a lunchbreak.

Coworker 1: You take lunchbreaks?!

Coworker 2: I do indeed.  And so can you, if you don’t let all this – (Gestures to the piles as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward) get the best of you.  Bye.  (Trots away)

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 1: (Turns to the computer and sees the massive amount of unread e-mails received in the past five minutes) Suppose I don’t have to answer them this exact second….

 ONE WEEK LATER

Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) Have you started working on the Marketing files yet?

Coworker 1: (Serenely typing a wellness check e-mail to a work friend) They’re my first priority.

<DING>

Manager: OK….

Coworker 1: After I finish the project you gave me last week.

Manager: Oh.  All right, but I would’ve preferred you’d finished that one, you know, last week.

Coworker 1: So would I, but alas: life.  (Nods at a coworker passing by who drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)

<DING>-<DING>

Manager: Hm.  Any idea when you’re going to finish that project, then?

Coworker 1: All in good time.

Manager: How about tomorrow?

Coworker 1: If it’s the will of the gods, then `twill be done.

Manager: It’s the will of me, so do it!  And start working on the Marketing files ASAP; I’ve got Corporate breathing down my neck about them and they’ll never realize the irony of the situation they’ve placed themselves and all of us in.

Coworker 1: No one ever does.  (Holds up a cup and saucer) Like some tea?

Manager: Not especially, no.  Now get back to work; I’ve let you lollygag long enough.  (Trots away)

<DING>

Coworker 1: Will do.  (Sips tea and gently sighs) So this is what it feels like to be one with the universe.

 ONE WEEK LATER

Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) So, did you start on those Marketing files yet?

Coworker 1: (Lying facedown on a long table while a massage therapist does their thing) All in good time.

Manager: The good time is now!  Are you telling me you haven’t looked at one of these yet?!  (Picks up a folder to shake at Coworker 1 as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)

Coworker 1: Oh, I did.

Manager: And?!

Coworker 1: They’re very pretty.

<DING>

Manager: You’re supposed to be following up on these projects!

Coworker 1: (Turns on side as the massage therapist adjusts position) Did you know, about 90% of things in life labelled as “Priority” really aren’t?

Manager: What?!

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 1: And probably 95% of projects in general can be left completely undone and no one either would ever notice or call you out on it?

Manager: That’s not true!  I’d notice, and I most definitely will call you out on it!

Coworker 1: Yes, but why stress yourself?

Manager: Because they have to be done for this company to function!  Now get going!

<DING>

Manager: (Glances at the computer screen full of unread e-mails, then back at Coworker 1) You gonna answer any of those?!

Coworker 1: (Rolls back onto stomach) All in good time.

Manager: (Tosses the file onto the desk and trots away, muttering) Why do I stress myself?

 ONE WEEK LATER

Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) This is the last time I’m going to ask you –

Coworker 1: (Knitting a blanket) Oh good, that’s a relief.

<DING>

Manager: Did you, or did you not, start working on those Marketing files, and so help me if you say “All in good time”!

Coworker 1: (Drops a stitch and unravels a section to redo it) I did.

Manager: (Blinks a few times) Oh.  Took the wind out of my sails a bit there, but that’s a good thing.  How far’d you get?

Coworker 1: Mm?  Oh, I’ll show you.  (Gently places the blanket and knitting needles onto a workbench, opens a file cabinet drawer, pulls out a thin folder, and drops it onto the desk) That far.

Manager: (Stares at the folder for a few moments, then slowly back up at Coworker 1) You have five seconds to convince me why I shouldn’t fire you effective immediately.

<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 1: Well, you asked me if I started working on the files, and I started.  Pretty much everything’s so far behind, no one seems to really care at this point if it takes another decade to work on them again, so what’s the rush?

Manager: You’re –

Coworker 1: And if you fire me, all of my projects then will be divvied up amongst all of you, and the vicious cycle continues.  (Another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)

Manager: – a real pain in my frontal cortex.  (Trots away)

Coworker 1: (Briefly glances at the 5,378 unread e-mails, then slowly sips a smoothie) Aaaaaah, perfection.  And I love the meditative background music these alerts provide.  (Cell phone rings; checks caller ID and frowns in confusion while answering) Hi – everything OK?

<DING>

Partner: (On the phone) Everything’s fine, I just wanted to let you know I made an appointment for a quote on the new fence.

Coworker 1: Oh.  Thanks.

Partner: Yeah, they’re sending over somebody on Saturday, so you just need to clear the stuff out of the backyard like I’d mentioned a few months ago –

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: And also a few weeks ago –

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: And also a few days ago –

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: So once that’s all done, maybe we can finally get the fence replaced like we’ve been talking about for years.

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: So….

Coworker 1: Uh-huh?

Partner: You think you can clear out the backyard before the weekend?!

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-

Coworker 1: (Another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward) All in good time.

Story 428: Not Quite the Part I Auditioned For

 (In a gym, Actor is running on a treadmill while watching a show on the display)

Actor: (Suddenly stops and almost falls off) Wait, that was a cliffhanger?!  (Checks watch) Yeah, I can run for another hour.  (Taps the controls to start the next episode) This better be worth it.

Neighboring Runner: It rarely is.

Actor: I know, right?  (Looks down as cell phone on an arm band rings; pauses the video and slows the treadmill to a walk while answering) Hey, what’s up?

Agent: (On the phone while leaving a conference room) Hey-hey-hey, I’ve got great news for you!  I heard back from the rom-com director today, and you’re in!

Actor: (Muted excitement) YESSSS!!!!!  (Clears throat) That’s, that’s really great news, thanks!

Agent: It gets better: you’re gonna be playing opposite the female lead, you know, the one you’ve been crushing on forever, what’s-her-name.

Actor: (Embarrassed laugh) Well, not really “opposite”; I mean, Best Friend to the male lead would get some screen time with her, I guess; no big deal.

Agent: That’s the best part: you didn’t get the Best Friend role, they decided to go with that stand-up comic everyone wants in all their movies now, you know, what’s-his-name.

Actor: Oh.  Yeah, he’d actually be much better for the part than me, so I can’t be upset.  So, what, I’m Second Best Friend now?

Agent: Even better!

Actor: (Embarrassed laugh again) Don’t tell me the male lead dropped out and I’m now it?

Agent: You’re right, you’re not: you’re playing the Plucky Heroine’s Douchey Boyfriend, yay!

Actor: (Nearly falls off the treadmill again) Whaaaaaat????

Neighboring Runner: You mind relocating your drama somewhere else, please?  I’m trying to hate-watch the series finale of Sword Slash.

Actor: Sorry.  (Shuts off the treadmill, wipes it down, and moves to an unoccupied section of the gym while continuing the conversation in a loud whisper) I don’t understand – why would they cast me as that?!

Agent: I dunno, maybe you gave off a douchey vibe during your audition.

Actor: That wasn’t what I was going for!

Agent: Who cares?  Bottom line is, you now get to be all lovey-dovey with someone you have a thing for, and get paid for it the entire time!

Actor: No I don’t!  I get to be the one who makes her miserable and the audience boos every time I’m on screen!

Agent: Come on, no one actually does that.

Actor: I’ve seen it happen!

Agent: I’m sure it’s all in good fun.

Actor: Whatever – this is a nightmare!

Agent: Don’t exaggerate: it’s just a job, you’ll thank me eventually, now go out there and do your douchiest.

Actor: Argh!

Agent: Oh, one more thing –

Actor: What else could there possibly be?!

Agent: When you start rehearsals, could you get her autograph for me?... Hello?

(At the beginning of filming, the actors and crew are gathered in a coffee house set)

Director: All right everyone, remember the blocking; lighting’s all set up and not moving ever; just do it like you did at the table read and we should get through this with minimal waste and maximum efficiency.  Places!

(Actor and Female Lead go sit on the couch while holding empty coffee cups)

Female Lead: (To Actor) Do you need Makeup again?  You seem a bit sweaty.

Actor: (Briefly touches hairline with a shaking hand) I think it’s the lights – I’ll be fine, thanks.

Director: Action!

(Crew Member holds a clapperboard in front of the camera and shouts out the scene and take number)

Plucky Heroine: You called me a bajillion times last night.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Sips coffee) Well, maybe I wouldn’t’ve had to if you’d answered just once.

Plucky Heroine: I was busy.

Douchey Boyfriend: I bet.  (Slurps coffee a bit too loudly and clears throat)

Plucky Heroine: What is that supposed to mean?

Douchey Boyfriend: It means, I think you were getting busy with that guy you’ve been spending all your spare time with lately, you know, Clive?  Clark?  Clifford?

Plucky Heroine: Brendan?

Douchey Boyfriend: Yeah, that loser.  (Shakily sets the cup down on a nearby table) Guess he’s got something I don’t, huh.

Plucky Heroine: (Glares, speaking with a voice that is deadly low) If you mean he has kindness, and compassion, and humanity, and doesn’t treat me and everyone else in the world like garbage, then yeah, I guess he does.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Stares with wide eyes at Plucky Heroine, speaking with a small voice) I’m sorry.

Director: Cut!

Female Lead: (To Actor) What was that?!

Actor: (Still staring) …Improv?

Director: (To Actor) You: stick to the script!  (To everyone else) Everyone else: pick it up from the next-to-last line!

(Crew member with the clapperboard does bit)

Plucky Heroine: (Glares, speaking with a voice that is deadly low) If you mean he has kindness, and compassion, and humanity, and doesn’t treat me and everyone else in the world like garbage, then yeah, I guess he does.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Glares back) You bi – (Twitches jaw) You – mmmmmm – (Closes eyes briefly, runs hand through hair, then points at Plucky Heroine) You b-eautiful human being –

Director: CUT!  (Female Lead throws her hands up in the air)

Actor: (To Director) I’m sorry, but I just don’t think this guy would be calling her a nasty name if he truly wants her to stay his girlfriend!  (Looks intensely at Female Lead) I never would.

Female Lead: Dude – the character’s a douche, he doesn’t care about her, he just wants to win!

Actor: Well that’s just mean.

Director: Take it up with the screenwriter – now pick it up from your line!

(Crew member with the clapperboard does bit)

Douchey Boyfriend: You b-----.  (Cringes)

Plucky Heroine: No, you’re the b-----.

Douchey Boyfriend: (Gasps) You take that back!

Plucky Heroine: (Stands and flings the coffee cup away; it lands perfectly in a nearby trash can) Never!  I see now what true love really is, and you’re not it!  (Starts to leave)

Douchey Boyfriend: (Follows her on his knees) No, wait, please come back, I love you!

Female Lead: (Spins around) WHAT?!

Director: WHAT?!  I mean, CUT!

Female Lead: (To Actor) What are you doing?!

Actor: (Looks around the entire room staring back) I might have gotten a little carried away; this scene is so emotional….

Female Actor: Get a grip!

Actor: (To Director) Can we take a break?

Director: Please.  Take five everyone, and somebody get me a massage chair for my pounding headache.

Female Lead: (Helps Actor up from the floor) You need some water or a towel there, buddy?

Actor: (Melting) You’re so kind to me.

Female Lead: Uh-huh.  (Sits them both back on the couch) Look, I know you have a thing for me and I make you nervous –

Actor: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-nooooo....

Female Lead: You nailed this scene in the table read, so just do whatever you did there, here!

Actor: (Staring at the floor) I wasn’t looking at you during the table read.

Female Lead: Aw, that’s so sweet.  (Lowers voice) Look at the wall, look at the boom mic, look at anything that’ll get you through this before next century, got it?!

(Actor nods quickly, still staring at the floor)

Director: (Pushed onto the set while sitting in the massage chair) All right everyone, places!  Action!

(After the movie premiere in a major theater)

Agent: (To Actor) You did great!  If I didn’t know you for reals, I’d’ve thought you were the biggest jerk alive!

Actor: The ultimate compliment in this business.  (They leisurely stroll out of the theater while the main leads answer questions from reporters) Do you think anyone watching tonight noticed my character never once made eye contact with his own girlfriend?

Agent: With the wonders of editing, you can fake anything.

Story 427: Overheard in the Patient Exam Room

 (In a doctor’s office, a medical assistant leads a patient to an exam room)

Medical Assistant: (Remains at the door and nods at the exam table) You can have a seat – the doctor’ll be in as soon as possible.

Patient: (Hops backward onto the table) Yeah, I saw that waiting room – so you think an hour and a half; two, tops?  (Laughs)

Medical Assistant: Ahahahahaha – !  (Starts weeping while closing the door)

(Patient stares at the door for a few moments, then shakes head and glances around the room for a distraction)

Patient: (Spots a magazine rack) Sweet.  (Grabs a few issues and skims the cover headlines, stopping at one that reads: “Manly Men Mess: Boy Band Breakup??!!!!”)  Ooh, scandal.  (Tosses the other magazines back into the rack and begins reading the article greedily)

 TEN MINUTES LATER

Patient: (Squinting at the tiny print, muttering) Wait a sec, I thought he already went to college?... Oh, he’s going for his master’s now; good for him.  (Hears footsteps heading toward the door; throws the magazine into the rack and reclines casually back on the table) And just when it was gettin’ good.

(Voices are heard outside the door)

Doctor: Where’d you say it was?

Medical Assistant: The office next to Exam 2.

Doctor: Show me.

Patient: (Looks around the room again) Is this Exam 2?

(Voices now are heard from the next room)

Doctor: So where is it?

Medical Assistant: Here.

(Sounds of furniture being roughly moved around)

Doctor: Ah shoot, again?!  I thought we had this fixed last time!

Medical Assistant: It was fixed, but now it’s back.

(More sounds of furniture moving)

Doctor: I can’t deal with this right now, we’ve got a full schedule today and 50 walk-ins!

Medical Assistant: I know, but we can’t just leave this either, it’s gonna –

Doctor: I know what it’s gonna do, just let me think for a minute!  How soon can the… you know… fixer-person come in and fix this?

Medical Assistant: I haven’t called yet, but last time we had to wait almost a week.

Doctor: A week?!  This needs to be fixed yesterday!

(Sounds of a cell phone being dialed)

Medical Assistant: I’ll call now and say it’s an emergency –

Doctor: Darn tootin’ it is!  Sorry, I’m a little more stressed than usual.

Medical Assistant: I hadn’t noticed a difference…. Yes, it’s us again…. Yes, it happened again.

(Sounds of floorboards being ripped up)

Doctor: Tell them it’s so much bigger this time!

Medical Assistant: It’s gotten bigger…. Doctor, they say they can be here 2:00 tomorrow.

(A large RIP! and CRASH! as a floorboard is tossed across the room)

Doctor: Nope!  We need a stat consult NOW!

Medical Assistant: Don’t suppose you could come over now?

(Rhythmic banging noises echo on what sound like metal pipes and wooden floors)

Doctor: C’mon!  (BANG!  BANG!  BANG!  BANG!) I’ll get you, you little –

Medical Assistant: Hold on a moment, please – Doctor, there’s a patient in Exam 2 who can probably hear this.

Doctor: Huh?  Oh, just tell `em everything’s fine.  (BANG!  BANG!  BANG!)

Medical Assistant: It may sound better coming from you.

Doctor: No, it won’t, they’ll just think I’m coming in for the exam and get angry that I’m not!

Medical Assistant: All right.

(Footsteps approach the door; Patient hurries away from having an ear against the wall to hop back onto the table)

Medical Assistant: (Opens the door with the hand not holding the cell phone, enters quickly, and closes it again) Hi – have you heard anything… unusual from the other room?

Patient: A little bit, yeah.

Medical Assistant: Well, don’t be alarmed: it’s just a minor repair in one of the offices –

(BANG!)         

Medical Assistant: (Winces) Nothing to worry about.

(SCREEEEEEEEECH!!!!!)

Doctor: AHA!  I have you now!

Medical Assistant: Everything’s under control.

Voice From Cell Phone: Doesn’t sound like it from here.

Medical Assistant: (Into the phone) I’ll call you back in a few minutes.  (Disconnects the call)

Patient: Should I reschedule?

Medical Assistant: I wouldn’t – we’re booked solid for the next two years.

(A large SLAM! rattles the room)

Medical Assistant: Sit tight!  (Rushes out of the room and gently closes the door)

Doctor: All good?  (BANG-BANG-BANG-)

Medical Assistant: Not really: the patient wants to reschedule and I hate to think what the ones in the waiting room are doing right now.

Doctor: Whatever; they can always come back if this scares them off for some reason – we have appointments six days a week and I haven’t taken a vacation in SEVEN YEARS!  (SCREEEEECH – POP)  Oops.

Medical Assistant: Quick, get it before it’s too late!

Doctor: Take that!  (CRASH!)  And that!  (CRASH!)  And that!  That!  That!  (CRASH-CRASH-CRASH!)  I’VE NEVER FELT SO ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!!

(The crashing and banging and screeching and ripping continue unabated; Patient picks up the thrown magazine, lies down on the table, and resumes reading the interrupted article)

Patient: (Starts nodding in time with the sounds of destruction) It’s almost soothing….

Story 426: Never Happy With the Weather

 WINTER

(At a table in a café)

Friend 1: (Bundled up in a snowsuit, several wool hats, and mittens over gloves, and shivering while sipping a coffee; to Friend 2) Sorry, but this was a mistake: we should’ve just had coffee at our respective homes and met by video chat or something.

Friend 2: (Has coat, hat, and gloves draped over a chair and sips a hot cocoa relaxedly) You’re the one who wanted to “break hibernation” for something that wasn’t work.

Friend 1: (Ironically burns tongue) I know, and I thought I could handle the short bursts outdoors from apartment to car to here like usual, but outdoors decided to turn the air conditioning up to the max and not break single-digit Fahrenheit.  I look up at the distant sun in the crystal clear sky, and it laughs at me.

Friend 2: Heard we’re supposed to get a blizzard tomorrow.

Friend 1: I heard that as well, and chose to ignore that abomination.

Friend 2: Snow, ice, and high winds – might get two feet accumulation.

Friend 1: You sound suspiciously schadenfreudedly about that.

Friend 2: You make that up just now?

Friend 1: I took the German word for getting enjoyment out of other people’s misery, and English adverbed it.

Friend 2: Well, I’m not thrilled about the storm, I’m just finding the situation amusing because you were recently complaining that last month was too warm and the Earth needed winter.

Friend 1: The Earth does need it, but I don’t!  And I’ll be happy when we hit 90° again.  (Spills some of the coffee while shiveringly sipping it some more)

Friend 2: Uh-huh: give you six months.

 SUMMER

(At a public pool, swimmers are frolicking while Friend 1 and Friend 2 relax on nearby deck chairs)

Friend 1: (Wearing a cropped tank top and short shorts) This was a mistake –

Friend 2: (Wearing a loose cotton T-shirt, baggy shorts, and a wide-brimmed hat) Here we go.

Friend 1: We should’ve just stayed in our respective homes and met by video chat or something.

Friend 2: You said being by the water should cool us off; I thought you were going to suggest the beach with the off-shore breeze, but this is fine, too.

Friend 1: I thought having all this water around would cool us off by osmosis – clearly, I was mistaken!

Friend 2: (Gestures to the pool) Why don’t you just jump in, then?

Friend 1: What, you mean with all the people in there?

Friend 2: You’re ridiculous.

Friend 1: It doesn’t help that outdoors decided to turn the furnace up to the max and break triple-digits Fahrenheit.  I look up at the nearby sun in the hazy sky, and it melts my face off.

Friend 2: Just think, six months ago you would’ve wanted to be as overheated as you are now.

Friend 1: (Blinks at Friend 2) I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Friend 2: I’m sure you don’t.  Going in for a swim now.  (Removes layers for swimsuit underneath and jackknifes off the diving board into the pool)

Friend 1: (Drenched by the outer edges of the resulting splash) Oh, sweet tidal wave – how I’ve longed for ye.

 WINTER

(At a table in a café)

Friend 1: (Wearing two snowsuits, barely able to move; voice is muffled by multiple hats and scarves) This was a mis-

Friend 2: Don’t even start.

 SPRING

(In a public park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are lounging in beach chairs under a shady tree)

Friend 1: (Breathes in contentedly as a warm breeze wafts through the air) Ahhhh….

Friend 2: Is this all right now, Goldilocks?

Friend 1: Hm?

Friend 2: Temp’s in the high 60s; mild to no wind; we don’t have to wear quilts or ice packs…?

Friend 1: Oh.  Yeah, you’re right: this is perfect.

Friend 2: Finally.

(They sit in silence for a few moments)

Friend 1: (Starts shifting around in the chair) Too perfect.

Friend 2: Theeeeere it is.

Story 425: If You Feel As If You’ve Won, Then You’re a Winner

 (At an unspecific play-off golf match, the last putt of the game is sunk)

Announcer: And there you have it, folks: our two contestants who will go on to the World Finals Match, scheduled for this Saturday – now to a local correspondent on the scene.

Correspondent: (To Golfer 1) You’ve just finished play-offs with record-breaking scores, how do you feel about –

Golfer 1: (Grabs the microphone) AMAZING!  All my family and friends are here – hiiiiiiii!!!!! (Waves to a group of spectators on the sidelines who are holding supportive signs and cheering) I never thought I’d make it here, with these great players – (Gestures to the other contestants in the match standing nearby) I’m in awe of their talent, and I still can’t believe I got the chance to play golf on the same courses as them, this whole experience has been incredible, nothing can top it, and this has been the best day of my life!!!!!! (Runs to the spectators holding the signs and dives into the group; they all hug, laugh, and cry)

Golfer 2: (To a Caddy) We still have another match to play, right?

Caddy: As far as I know.

(At the World Finals Match)

Announcer: A hush falls over the crowd as our contestants prepare for this, their first shot of the finals.

Golfer 1: (Barely containing excitement, tees off with a full-body spin on the follow-through – the ball lands in the general vicinity of Hole 1, and Golfer 1 loudly whispers) YESSSSS!!!!

Golfer 2: (Tees off – the ball lands farther away from the hole than Golfer 1’s ball) Drat.  (Turns to Golfer 1, who gives an enthusiastic thumbs-up)

(At Hole 6, there is a water obstacle they need to drive the ball over; Golfer 1’s shot lands closer to the hole, but Golfer 2’s ball lands very close to the edge of the water, on the far side)

Golfer 1: Great job!

Golfer 2: Are you having a laugh?  It’s about ready to take a backwards swan dive into the drink!

Golfer 1: No, you still made it!  That’s the tricky part, getting it over the water – imagine if it’d landed right in the water?  An extra stroke, plus you’d still have to drive it over the green.

Golfer 2: I guess….

Golfer 1: (Slaps Golfer 2 on the back) That’s the spirit!  (Joins the group walking to the next part of the hole, twirling the golf club while chatting with family and friends on the sidelines)

Golfer 2: Unbelievable.

Caddy: (Also slaps Golfer 2 on the back while passing) Yeah, good job – that’s a hard shot to make, no mistake.

Golfer 2: (Eventually follows the rest of the group; to self) Is this a match or a gym class?

(At Hole 13, Golfer 1 putts but misses the hole)

Golfer 1: Oopsie.  (Sinks the next putt; the audience erupts in cheers as Golfer 1 raises arms in victory) Got a bogey, woo-hoo!

Golfer 2: (To Caddy) Are we back to being tied?

Caddy: Yep – I’m getting whiplash on you two’s scores.

(Golfer 2 shakes head, walks to the ball, and putts; the ball hovers on the edge of the hole and stops; Golfer 2 gasps in horror)

Golfer 1: Here, let me help!  (Trots over and reaches out a foot to tap the ball into the hole)

Golfer 2: (Waves frantically at Golfer 1 as the referee moves to intervene) NOOOO!!! Thank you, but NOOOO!!!

Referee: (To Golfer 1) You know you can’t interfere with the ball.

Golfer 1: Oh, I thought that was only if I was going to kick it away from the hole or something awful like that.  Carry on.  (Skips back to the spectators and snacks on an ice cream cone with them as Golfer 2 shakily sinks the putt)

Caddy: Another bogey!  And you’re just one behind the lead!

Golfer 2: …Yaaay?

(At Hole 18, the two golfers are tied again: their final drives land close to the hole)

Announcer: (In a hushed voice) This is it, folks: the tension in the air could be cut with a knife – you know how serious it is by how low I’m speaking even though I’m nowhere near the action – our contestants make their way to the hole to prepare for their final shots of the match.

Golfer 1: (Taking pictures with family and friends en route) I can’t wait till we get to the restaurant later, I heard the food’s outta this world!  Hopefully we’ll be done soon so we can get a good parking spot.

Golfer 2: (To Golfer 1) Can I talk to you for a second?

Golfer 1: Sure!  (Blows quick kisses to the spectators and steps off to the side with Golfer 2) `Sup?

Golfer 2: Sorry to pry, but I have to know: what’s your deal?

Golfer 1: Eh?

Golfer 2: I mean, every match in this tournament you’ve acted like you’ve already won, even on shots you’ve gone over par.  This has been the most intense match of my life, and you look like you’re at the press junket after you’ve won all the awards!  Aren’t you worried even a little bit that you might lose?!

Golfer 1: Nope!  But not in the way you think.

Golfer 2: How so?

Golfer 1: Not sure if you heard them mention this in the earlier matches, but I’m actually the first person in my country to qualify for this tournament.  As in, ever.

Golfer 2: Oh.  I did hear that at some point, yeah.

Golfer 1: So, you can imagine how exciting this is for all of us – (Waves and smiles to family and friends) for me to have gotten this far.

Golfer 2: (Nods) Yes, I think I can.

Golfer 1: So, while winning the championship would be lovely and all, having gotten to this point really is enough.  I’ve already won, in that sense, do you see?

Golfer 2: …Yeah.  Yeah, I do.  (Referee signals to them that the break is over)  Let’s play some golf!

Golfer 1: Oh yeah!

(Golfers 1 and 2 sink their putts and the match ends in a tie)

Golfer 1: (Dives into the group of family and friends) YIPEEEEE!!!  Beyond our wildest dreams!

Caddy: (To Golfer 2) You know, your sponsors aren’t going to too happy you’re not the sole victor, and you’re going to have to split the winnings –

Golfer 2: (Grabs Caddy in a hug) YES!!!!  We won, we won, we won!

Caddy: (Crushed) Well, when you put it that way….

(Golfer 1 runs over to Golfer 2 and they hug while jumping up and down)

Golfers 1 and 2: We-won-we-won-we-won!!!!!  BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!!

Announcer: There you have it, folks: the literal definition of being a good sport.  This is going to make covering the upcoming rugby finals all the more heart-breaking.

Story 424: Harry Potter and the Ordinary School Year: A Parody

 [Inspired by the 20^th anniversary of the first movie]

 (After the massive metaphorical and literal clean-up necessitated by the Battle of Hogwarts, it is realized that Harry, Ron, and Hermione never actually attended school in the past nine months and still need to complete their seventh year)

 SEPTEMBER 1998

 (In a reserved carriage on the Hogwarts Express)

Hermione: (Already halfway through one of her class’s textbooks) You know, after all we’ve been through, I’m actually quite looking forward to returning to school.

Ron: You would.  Thought I’d catch a break and be showered with all the awards this school could muster for helping save the world, but nope!  Back to mind-numbing classes and ulcer-inducing exams.  (Scarfs down an enchanted piece of pie)

Hermione: I know, isn’t it exciting?!  I’m especially looking forward to taking the N.E.W.T.s, the capstone exam to my academic career!

Ron: And then what?  There’s no more school after that so you’ll have get yourself a job, my lass.

Hermione: (Stares into the middle distance in existential horror) No more school…?

Ron: Oi, Harry, how do you feel about all this?

Harry: (Gazing dreamily out the train window) Do you ever stop and appreciate how not having the fate of world resting on your shoulders or murderous psychopaths constantly after you is such a freeing state of experience to be in?

Ron: …I think that one’s unique to you, mate.

(In the Great Hall at Hogwarts, refurbished to include buffet tables, the Sorting Ceremony has just completed)

Headmistress McGonagall: My first official announcement this year is that this is the last year we will be sorting students into four houses – it is an antiquated tradition that causes division and unnecessary, damaging competition, and in light of recent events we all need to stand together as one school, not arbitrarily separated by who is supposedly brave, smart, evil, and whatever.

Harry: (Mutters to Hermione and Ron in their VIP section of the Gryffindor table) Here we go, folks: I’m already longing for 'The Good Old Days,' and we’re technically still in them.

Hermione: I think it’s a brilliant decision, long overdue.

Harry: But then who’s going to win the House Cup at the end of the year?

Hermione: Who cares?

Harry: (Gasps) You shut your school spirit-less mouth!

Ron: Steady on, Harry – keep going like that and I’ll have to defend my lady’s honor.  With my fists, just so we’re clear.

Harry: Sorry, Hermione.  And I blessedly forgot for a moment you and Ron are a 'thing' now.

Hermione: (Besottedly smiles at Ron and holds his hand, who besottedly smiles and holds her hand back) Only took us until the last year we’d’ve been here to realize it fully.

Ron: Yeah.  And who knows, maybe in another seven years, we’ll make it official!

Hermione: Oh Ronald, I never knew you could be so romantic!

Harry: I will throw up right here if you both don’t quit it in five seconds.

Ron: (Lets go of Hermione’s hand and resumes his attack on the main course) Look who’s Mr. Grumpy – not my fault your girlfriend chose to spend her seventh year as an exchange student at Beauxbatons.

Harry: (Through gritted teeth) Oh don’t you worry about me, Ron.  I’ll be seeing your sister at Hogsmeade and/or Paris every weekend, plus holidays!  (Winks exaggeratedly)

Ron: EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Headmistress McGonagall: If that’s all from our extremely senior students, off to bed with the lot of you.  (A chorus of moans is her reply)

Harry: (Raises hand) Excuse me, Professor –

Headmistress McGonagall: It’s Headmistress now, but your error is understandable: proceed.

Harry: Sorry if I missed this earlier, but who is teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts this year?

Headmistress McGonagall: Didn’t you get my owl?

Harry: No…?  Maybe – I got all the owls this summer, it seemed.

Headmistress McGonagall: You were offered a stipend if you wanted to teach that class.

(The entire school stares at Harry in anticipation)

Harry: Thanks, but I think I’ve had enough of that subject to last me a lifetime.

Headmistress McGonagall: Well then, since no one else wants to touch that subject here with a 10-meter pole, it’s off the roster until the next evil wizard or witch shows up to cause a fuss – good luck to the rest of you.

(The students file out of the Great Hall and head to their respective dormitories; the Gryffindor students are dumped into the Formerly Forbidden Corridor after a moving staircase swings them away in the opposite direction of where they need to go, and they slowly navigate their way back)

Gryffindor Seventh Year: (Approaches from behind Harry) Excuse me – (Harry turns around and stops; Ron and Hermione also stop to listen) I used to be a year behind you so we never formally met, and I don’t want to assume incorrectly –

Harry: Of course; very wise of you.

Gryffindor Seventh Year: Just to be sure, are you really the Harry Potter, the one who defeated Fake-Lord Voldemort?

Harry: (Sighs in only half-irritation) Yes, I am he, formerly The Chosen One, lately The Saviour of the World, or what you will.  (Spreads arms out in resignation)

Gryffindor Seventh Year: (Straight-arm punches Harry in the face; the latter falls back into Ron’s and Hermione’s arms) That’s for ruining school for me EVERY SINGLE YEAR, ya git!  (Storms off to join the rest of the group that is now far ahead of them)

Harry: (Rubs jaw as Ron and Hermione help him stand up straight and they all continue on their way; shouts after the student) It wasn’t all my fault you know!

Ron: It never was.

Harry: Don’t you start up with that again, pal, I am on my last nerve!

(In Charms class the following day)

Professor Flitwick: Today, I’m going to show you all how to cast a spell where your wand’s core will interact with another wand’s core of the same material.  (Harry starts twitching in his seat) Those of you who have already done that may sit out this session.

Harry: (Grabs his satchel of books and runs out the door) Thank youuuuuuu!!!!

Hermione: (Whispers to Ron) I will never understand why anyone would want to be excused from a class.

Ron: (Smiles and whispers back, rubbing her hand) You’re so cute.

(In a corridor, Harry nearly crashes into Draco Malfoy; they both stop short)

Harry: Oh… I… didn’t know you’d be here this year.

Draco: I was on the train and sat the next table over from you at the Welcoming Feast.

Harry: Right.  Soooooooo, what’s new?  (Winces)

Draco: Taking my seventh year, same as you three.  Mother and, surprisingly, Father thought it would be best, and I agreed.

Harry: How… nice.

Draco: Yeah.  (They stare at the floor) A bit awkward with none of our other classmates around from all those years here, though.

Harry: I know, right?  This place now feels like it’s filled with babies!

Draco: (Laughs; Harry recoils in shock) It’s even worse with the redecorating after all the – (Clears throat) unpleasantness this past spring.

Harry: Tell me about it: they finally demolished the unused bathroom that was only good for hiding a monster cave entrance, but that only left poor Moaning Myrtle wandering around everywhere like a – like a ghost, really.

Draco: Right, and did you see that the Room of Requirement now is visible at all times, for everyone?  What’s the point of having a secret stash room if just anyone can walk in and dump their rubbish there?

Harry: (Shakes his head sadly) Disgusting.  Whelp, Malfoy, I think this has been the first pleasant interaction we’ve had in our entire lives – I’m going outside to thrash some first years in Quidditch now. 

Draco: Go at it.  I’m off to Advanced Potions myself – Professor Slughorn’s all right, but he’s no… well, you know.

Harry: (Thoughtfully) Huh.  Merlin’s beard, I never thought there’d be a day where I’d actually miss Professor Snape. 

Draco: We live in strange times, my friend.  (Pats Harry on the shoulder and leaves)

Harry: (Staring after Draco) Is this a fever dream, or have I actually reached a point in my life where I have zero enemies?!

 DECEMBER 1998

(In the Great Hall, Hermione and Ron are all packed to leave for break and approach Harry at a random table, having breakfast in his pajamas and reading the inaugural school newspaper)

Ron: I still don’t get why you’re staying here: you always come over to my family’s house for the holidays, and I can’t believe I’m saying this but Ginny’ll be there the whole time if you need additional incentive!

Harry: Call me sentimental, but I’m trying to relive the wonderful days when I was an unwanted orphan and had to stay at this enchanting place during our first winter break, stumbling upon the mystery of the Philosopher’s Stone and Voldemort’s detached face stuck to the back of Professor Quirrell’s head – it was a simpler time.

Hermione: Harry, don’t take this the wrong way but I think coming back here for one last school year may be driving you a bit mad.

Harry: Rubbish.  I’ve never been so relaxed in my entire life!  Now shove off.  (The others shrug at each other and start to leave; Harry resumes reading the newspaper) And don’t you two come back pregnant now, you hear?!  Plenty of time for that later.

Ron: Nutter.  Almost makes me wish Voldemort were here to give him something to focus on.

                                                                JUNE 1999           

 (In the Gryffindor Common Room, Draco is playing Wizard’s Chess with Ron as Hermione is writing her monograph titled Hogwarts: An Updated History)

Harry: (Bursts in, beaming) Well kids, just got the word: I failed all my N.E.W.T.s.

Ron: What?!

Hermione: (Stands abruptly) Harry!  I’ve never heard such a disappointing thing in my life!  Say it isn’t so!

Harry: Nope!

Hermione: Oh thank goodness.

Harry: No, I mean I won’t say it isn’t so, because it is and I have to take this year over again.

Draco: But Harry, if you want to be an auror you have to pass all your N.E.W.T.s the first time.  Would you like me to have my Fath– (Shakes his head) an untainted relative speak to someone about this?

Harry: I appreciate it, Draco, but it’s all part of the plan.  (Stretches out on the couch and dozes off)

Ron: Plan to stay here forever, I think.

Harry: (Sleepily) If you insist.

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

 (After graduation, Ron and Hermione find Harry sitting in the middle of the Quidditch pitch, meditating)

Ron: Hiya, Harry.  Figured we’d find you here.

Harry: You figured correctly.  (He slowly opens his eyes and stands) Let me guess: Hermione was named first in the class, and Ron finally popped the question.

(Ron’s jaw hangs open in shock as Hermione runs to Harry and hugs him)

Hermione: We wanted you to be the first to know!  After our families, that is.  (She holds out her left hand to show him the heirloom ring) Ron said his mother wanted me to have it.

Harry: Nice.  All I got Ginny was a piece of tinfoil.

Ron: WHAT?!

Harry: Kidding – I conjured the Hope Diamond and had it set in my mother’s ring.  Nothing’s too special for my woman.

Ron: This is the first I’m hearing of this!

Harry: That’s because it hasn’t happened yet, psych!  (Ron looks murderously at him) But it will!  At some point.  So, congratulations you two, on this and finishing school – top marks to Hermione, naturally – and the jobs I heard you have lined up; you seem to have great lives ahead of you.

Hermione: What about you, Harry?  After you finish here next year.

Ron: Yeah Harry, won’t you have a wedding to plan?!

Harry: Who knows, I may not finish here next year; there’s no telling what the future may bring.

Ron: Harry!  Out of the three of us, I was the one who should’ve wound up the aimless failure, not you!

Harry: Don’t worry your sweet head about me, Ronald – I’ll get my act together next year, I promise.  It’s just, this year I really wanted to enjoy my time at school, you know?  So I gave myself a break from both the struggle to survive and the struggle to complete never-ending reams of handwritten parchment and repetitive exercises, and instead spent time with my friends, and going places and doing things I never got a chance to do while I was here before.

Hermione: Is that why you joined the Poetry Club?

Harry: That, and it really gave me a chance to express myself.  So – (Slaps Ron and Hermione on their shoulders) off you go, you two!  I’ll see you at the party later at the Weasleys’.

Hermione: All right Harry, we’ll look for you then.

Harry: That’s another thing: this is the end of the school year, and people have only said my first and last names together a grand total of four times.  I’m never gonna reach my quota at this rate!

Ron: Seriously, mate, what you probably need is an actual holiday to the beach or the mountains or anywhere that’s far, far away from here.  (He and Hermione hold hands and disapparate)

Harry: Cheers.  Right after I do this one last thing….

(In the public-access Room of Requirement, Harry sits on the floor in front of the Mirror of Erised – his 11-year-old reflection is seated across from him, listening intently)

Harry: …and if someone had told me/you that mean old Snape actually was watching over us this whole time and could’ve been another father figure in our lives if he’d just gotten over his angst, I’d have said they were a filthy liar.

Reflection Harry: Wow.

Harry: Oh, and Ron’s little sister grows up to be HOT.

Reflection Harry: Ugh, gross!

Harry: (Chuckles into a butterbeer) Oh, child.

Reflection Harry: Will I get to be Head Boy in my seventh year?

Harry: (Almost chokes) Uh, no, that’s not much of a priority as time goes on.

Reflection Harry: Will I finally get to beat up Dudley?

Harry: (Tilts his head in thought) Eh, the Dudley issue… takes care of itself, in a sense.

Reflection Harry: What about putrid Aunt Petunia and vile Uncle Vernon?

Harry: No longer relevant.

Reflection Harry: Will I gain top marks in all my classes and be beloved by all?

Harry: Uhhhh….

Reflection Harry: Will I win every Quidditch match here and then the World Cup when I’m 18?

Harry: Quidditch is not a viable career option for us.

Reflection Harry: Will I vanquish all my enemies and seize power in the top echelons of the world’s ministries, both Magic and Muggle?!

Harry: Kid, hold up for a second!

Reflection Harry: Yes?

Harry: I’m going to give you the most important life lesson anyone can ever receive, even though you’re just a projection of my desire to return to an age when awesome adventures awaited me and hadn’t turned out horribly yet.

Reflection Harry: Yes?  What is this important life lesson, then?

Harry: (Takes another slug of the butterbeer) As you get older, life gets a whole lot weirder.