Story 519: I Thought We Were Starring in a Love Story?

            (Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 meet cute on a battlefield and mutually disarm each other)

Romantic Lead 1: (Lifts up helmet’s visor to reveal a subjectively attractive face) AHA!  So it comes to this: one last, final combat, ending with me defeating a worthy opponent with my bare hands!

Romantic Lead 2: (Also lifts up helmet’s visor to reveal a subjectively attractive face) Not if I defeat you with my bare hands first, oh representative of my people’s mortal enemies!

Romantic Lead 1: Ideals are rubbish!  I spit on them!  (Dry spits onto the ground)

Romantic Lead 2: (Gasps) You clearly have no soul!  What do you fight for, then?

Romantic Lead 1: Money.  I never let emotions get in the way of doing a good job – I’m only in this battle `cause being a soldier’s the one thing I’m fit for in life, and I’m just following orders.  (Immediately winces)

Romantic Lead 2: (Also winces, and shakes head) Ooooh, no-no-no-no –

Romantic Lead 1: Yeah, the moment the words came out of my mouth, I realized – (A nearby explosion makes them both flinch) Enough of this palaver: on to the death match!

Romantic Lead 2: YES!  (They race toward each other and grapple in an extremely well-choreographed melee until Romantic Lead 2 lands astride Romantic Lead 1, poised to deliver a fatal blow) Yield!

Romantic Lead 1: Never!  (Dry spits again, off to the side)

Romantic Lead 2: Stop that!  You’re ruining an otherwise suggestive moment.

Romantic Lead 1: Why would you want me to yield anyway?  Shouldn’t you just be killing me outright, like any regular ol’ soldier’s supposed to do?!

Romantic Lead 2: I – don’t know…?

Romantic Lead 1: Or are you suddenly authorized to take prisoners now?

Romantic Lead 2: Not that I’ve been told.

Soldier 1: But we are.

(Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 abruptly notice that they are surrounded by other soldiers wearing uniforms not matching either of theirs and all pointing weapons at them)

Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2: Who the blazes are you?!

Soldier 1: Opportunists needed for the plot.  Take `em, fellas!

(Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are dragged to their feet)

Soldier 2: Should we chain them together or individually?

Soldier 1: Together – it’ll ratchet up the tension.

Soldier 2: What?

Soldier 1: What?

(Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are thrown into a dank cell, chained together at the wrist)

Romantic Lead 1: (As they sit on the dirty floor, companionably back-to-back) Well, this is an unfortunate turn of events.

Romantic Lead 2: Yeah – can’t hate you as much if we’ve now both got someone else to hate even more.

Romantic Lead 1: (Sighs heavily) I suppose we’ll have to work together in order to get out of here, exchanging personal histories and common interests in the process, thereby earning each other’s trust, respect, and, dare I say it, admiration.  (Turns to Romantic Lead 2 and attempts to stare soulfully at the latter)

Romantic Lead 2: I guess.  (Raises eyebrows with an idea) OR, we can actually get some sleep until the inevitable prisoner exchange goes through.  (Shifts chain to lie down and falls asleep immediately)

Romantic Lead 1: (Stares blankly at Romantic Lead 2 for several seconds) …Yeah, sounds like a good idea.  (Also lies down and falls asleep immediately)

Soldier 1: (Casually passes by the cell, peeks in, and stomps off, muttering) Dang it, they’re not even hate-flirting with each other.

(After a botched prisoner exchange, Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are on the run still chained to each other – they traverse fields and forests with no real destination in mind, until the chains finally fall off after months of rust)

Romantic Lead 2: (As each rub their raw and possibly infected wrists) Wow.  We’re finally free of each other.

Romantic Lead 1: Yes, finally free….  Glad there’ll be no more of those awkward bathroom breaks, am-I-right?

Romantic Lead 2: Yeah, could have done without having to figure out those logistics.  So, the offer I mentioned some time ago is still open: you want to join me in my quest to overthrow both of our corrupt governments and that random third-party that imprisoned us out of nowhere?

Romantic Lead 1: (Thinks for a few moments, then shakes head) Nah, sounds like too much work.  I’d rather just go to a tavern, get some decently cooked food for the first time in almost a year, then go home and hope I don’t get executed for desertion.

Romantic Lead 2: You know, I think I like that option better.  Mind if I join you?

Romantic Lead 1: Not in the slightest – after all we’ve been through together, it’d feel kind of weird us not being by each other’s sides anymore, day in, day out….

Romantic Lead 2: Same.  Isn’t that funny?

(They laugh gently, then turn to face the gorgeous sunset as non-diegetic music swells in the background)

Romantic Lead 2: (Leans toward Romantic Lead 1 while both still stare at the inspirational view) Not to spoil the moment, but I have to ask: has anyone ever mentioned that you tend to be a mouth breather?

Romantic Lead 1: …Yes.  Has anyone ever mentioned that your breath has a strange odor, and not just after certain foods, but all the time?

Romantic Lead 2: …Yes.  Might be a medical condition – I never bothered to find out.

Romantic Lead 1: (Nods) Likewise.

(Both clamp their mouths shut while watching the Earth rotate away from its star)

(In a tavern, Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are served dinner)

Romantic Lead 1: (As both dig in) On an expository note, that was darned clever of you to have extra coins sewn under your skin before the battle on the off-chance you were ever taken prisoner and then escaped with no income to be had for months on end.

Romantic Lead 2: Why, thank you.  And that was clever of you to convince our superiors that we spent this entire time spying for our respective sides so they’d agree not to end us on our return.

Romantic Lead 1: Why, thank you.  It seems we make a good team, after all.

Romantic Lead 2: Definitely.  (They clank their steins in a toast and drink, then eat in awkward silence for a few moments)

Romantic Lead 1: (Brow furrowed in thought) You know, I’ve been thinking –

Romantic Lead 2: (Gulps down a pepper nervously) Yes?

Romantic Lead 1: We’ve been through a lot together – and I mean, a lot –

Romantic Lead 2: (Nods frantically while drinking, then wipes upper lip) Uh-huh, darn tootin’ we have, what with the battle, and the imprisonment, and being on the run, and all the adventures we’ve had that are too many to go over now, and the forced closeness for months, and all the things we’ve learned about each other’s lives…. (Drinks some more)

Romantic Lead 1: (Distractedly spins a fork on the table) Yeah… all that tends to lead inevitably to one thing….

Romantic Lead 2: (Devours a celery stalk in three bites) Does it?

Romantic Lead 1: Mm-hmm…. (Looks up at Romantic Lead 2) That’s why, it’s so hard for me say that, I’m… not in love with you.

Romantic Lead 2: (Blinks for a beat) Oh thank goodness!

Romantic Lead 1: What?

Romantic Lead 2: You said “not”, right?

Romantic Lead 1: Yeah?

Romantic Lead 2: Well that’s perfect, because I feel exactly the same way!

Romantic Lead 1: Wait, so it’s not just me?  You’re not in love with me, too?

Romantic Lead 2: (Laughs while shaking head) No!  It’s the strangest thing!

Romantic Lead 1: I know!  I mean, for one thing, you are hot.

Romantic Lead 2: As are you.

Romantic Lead 1: And yet, here we are.  It boggles the mind.

Romantic Lead 2: I tried my best, I really did!  All the signs were pointing that way, with us going the “enemies-to-friends” route and everything.

Romantic Lead 1: Exactly!  The next logical step clearly was “-to-lovers”, and I kept waiting and waiting for it to happen, but no matter how much I forced myself, I just couldn’t get past feelings of… camaraderie.

Romantic Lead 2: (Clasps hands in glee) It’s like we’re on the same wavelength in everything!  Oh, this is wonderful!

(They smile broadly at each other and return to eating comfortably now)

Romantic Lead 1: I must say, this is certainly a relief – now we can go back home to our families and friends emotionally unimpeded.

Romantic Lead 2: Ugh, yes, thankfully; I hate pining.  Something like that would’ve been extra difficult seeing as our two peoples still are, you know, at never-ending war with each other.

Romantic Lead 1: Yes, that would have been the exact definition of “star-crossed lovers”: years of us longing for each other, possibly marrying someone else for societal convenience, and then maybe crossing paths at some point in the distant future for one passionate hook-up that’ll have to last us for the rest of our lives, blech.  (Shudders in disgust)

Romantic Lead 2: (Grimaces in sympathy) Yeah, this way’s much less stressful and angst-ridden.

(They eat some more in companionable silence)

Romantic Lead 1: (Looks up at Romantic Lead 2 in sudden thought) We’ll still write each other when we part ways though, right?

Romantic Lead 2: Of course!  Who else out there would put up with us?

Romantic Lead 1: (As they clasp arms across the table and grin) Buddy!

Story 518: Post-Thanksgiving Lethargy

 EARLY THANKSGIVING WEEK

             Friend 2: (Answers a cell phone while working at an office desk) Hi, what’s up?

Friend 1: (On a cell phone in a department store break room) So, you’ll never guess what happened to me today!

Friend 2: You’re right, I won’t, so just tell me.

Friend 1: Well, it turns out for once in this… lovely store, too many people got scheduled to work on Black Friday so my manager asked me first if I wanted the day off since I’ve worked it for decades, so I jumped on that and now I don’t have to work that day!

Friend 2: Wow, that’s great, good for you.

Friend 1: I know, right?  I can scarcely believe it – the entire day after Thanksgiving, all to myself!  I don’t even know where to begin!

Friend 2: If you like, you can join my group this year as we go shopping for all the sales.

Friend 1: Heck no: you all get up at 3:00 in the morning after a holiday, and I’d also rather not spend my free time in the same type of place I already spend 40+ hours a week in, only now it would be 100 times worse with the holiday rush.  I’d actually rather still be working that day; at least then I’d be paid for the aggravation.

Friend 2: Figured I’d offer.  So, any idea what you’d like to do that day instead?

Friend 1: I don’t know; relax, for starters.

Friend 2: Definitely.

Friend 1: Maybe clean up the place a bit.

Friend 2: You?!

Friend 1: Cute.  Maybe go for a walk if it’s not too cold out.  Maybe go to the mountains, maybe the beach.  The possibilities are endless!

Friend 2: Well, whatever you wind up doing that day, have fun, and have a Happy Thanksgiving – I have to go back to work now.

Friend 1: Thanks, and Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!  (Ends the call and clutches the cell phone in glee) This is gonna be great!

 DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING

 9:00 A.M.

(Friend 1 wakes up smiling, turns to an alarm clock that is not alarmed, and rolls back with eyes closed)

Friend 1: Just a few more minutes… not like I’m going anywhere….

10:00 A.M.

Friend 1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats breakfast in pajamas, then goes back to bed) Just a little after-breakfast nap to aid the digestion….

12:00 NOON

Friend 1: …Maybe another five minutes….

2:00 P.M.

Friend 1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats lunch in pajamas, then goes back to bed) Just a little after-lunch nap to aid the digestion... then I’ll start the day for sure….

5:00 P.M.

(Friend 1’s phone rings)

Friend 1: (Gropes around the bedside table in the darkening room to answer the phone) Mmmm-what’s up?

Friend 2: (On the phone while standing on a never-ending line in a department store) Did you get out of bed at all today?

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) Of course I did.

Friend 2: Besides eating.

Friend 1: …Definite “out”.

Friend 2: Unbelievable – I swam upstream through several seas of humanity to finish my gift shopping for the next two years, and you’re lounging about doing absolutely nothing but sleep!

Friend 1: I’ll have you know, sleep is very important to one’s health and should not be neglected, and I needed extra of it to recover from yesterday.

Friend 2: Recover from what?!  Eating too much?!

Friend 1: And drying several dishes, along with one or two utensils, I might add.

Friend 2: Lazy!  You are a lazy, lazy lump!

Friend 1: I resent that!  This is the first Black Friday I’ve had off in over 20 years, and I’ll spend it however I darn well please!  Even if it’s spent in minimal-to-nil activity.

Friend 2: You’re right, I’m sorry – I shouldn’t be so judgmental, you work hard and you deserve to enjoy your day off however you like.

Friend 1: Thank you, I appreciate that.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Well, the group’s almost finished with our last store and then heading out to dinner, so maybe we’ll do lunch or something next weekend, OK?

Friend 1: (Leans forward) Ooh, since you’re still out shopping could you pick me up some wrapping paper and bows and gift bags and tags and ribbons and tape?... Hello?... (Holds out the phone and sees on the display that the call had ended; sets the phone onto the table and lies back on the bed) Maybe another five minutes….

Story 517: You Had One Dish to Bring on Thanksgiving

 WEDNESDAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING

 (Relative 1 sits at a kitchen table paying bills on a laptop)

Relative 1: (Squints while leaning closer to the screen) They’re charging me a credit card fee after I’m saving them money by going paperless?!  Rude.  (Cell phone rings; Relative 1 picks up the phone, smiles on seeing the name on the caller ID, and answers) Hi there, Happy Early Thanksgiving, how –

Relative 2: (Has a cell phone propped against an ear and shoulder while pushing an overflowing shopping cart down a supermarket aisle surrounded by frenzied shoppers and constant panicked overhead announcements) I’ll cut right to the chase: seven family members cancelled on me last-minute due to various viruses and now I’m short on side dishes, so instead of salad I’m gonna need you to bring mashed potatoes instead.

Relative 1: Ohhhhh…. (Looks over at bags of lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, and an empty bowl all lined up on the counter) I was just about the make that up right after I finished depleting my bank account for the month.

Relative 2: Perfect timing, then – return what you didn’t use and get me mashed potatoes!  Please.

Relative 1: Um, I’m not sure you actually want me to make mashed potatoes.

Relative 2: (Tossing boxes of baking soda, flour, and sugar into the cart) What’s to make?  You go to the aisle with the refrigerated cases, get about five or so of the premade packages, and we empty `em into a large bowl and heat it up right before dinner!  I’d get them myself but now I have to make the corn casserole, cranberry sauce, apple pie, and pumpkin pie, and frankly neither I nor my budget can face one more bit of foodstuff on top of all that no matter how trivial it may seem.

Relative 1: But what about the salad?

Relative 2: No one cares about the salad!  I only asked you to bring it because it’s impossible to mess up and pretty much everyone skips it anyway!

Relative 1: Well I never – !

Relative 2: (Dashing the cart up another aisle aiming for the last two pie crusts in a refrigerated display case) Well you have now; no more time to chat; hours behind schedule; see you tomorrow; hugs and kisses; byeeeee!!!  (Drops the phone into the cart and dives into the crowd surrounding the case) MINE!

Relative 1: (Stares at the silent phone, then over at the now-useless salad stuff) So this means I have to go to a supermarket on the day before Thanksgiving?  (Eye starts twitching)

 STILL WEDNESDAY – 9:00 P.M.

 (Relative 1 rummages through the nearly-empty vegetable section of a refrigerated display case in a different, slightly less-crowded supermarket)

Relative 1: Ergghhh… all mashed cauliflower, no mashed potatoes.... (Grabs a box) Maybe I can get away with roasted potatoes?

Relative 2: [Voice in Relative 1’s head] I said “mashed”!!!

Relative 1: (Shudders and replaces the box on the shelf, still holding the door open to stare at the remaining products) So no mashed potatoes – do I need to buy actual potatoes and mash them myself?  (Shudders harder)

Shopper 1: (Zips a shopping cart to a stop next to the door) `Scuse me, can I get in there, please?

Relative 1: Huh?  Oh, yeah.  (Widens the door and steps aside)

Shopper 1: (Scoops boxes into the cart) You know, I couldn’t help overhearing your external monologue – there are boxes of potato flakes in Aisle 7 that you basically just mix and heat up to make mashed potatoes.

Relative 1: (Gasps) Really?!  Just like that?!

Shopper 1: (Still scooping) Yep: no muss, no fuss.

Relative 1: (Runs down the aisle) Thank you – thank you – thank you!

Shopper 1: (Moves on to another case, opens the door, and begins scooping more boxes into the cart) Sure thing – just need milk and butter.

Relative 1: (Skids to a stop and turns back) Eh?

Shopper 1: Oh, and salt, but you probably can get away with seasoning it later.  (Closes the door and speeds off in the opposite direction) Good luck!

Relative 1: (Starts shaking) …Ingredients?!

(In Aisle 7, Relative 1 holds up a box of potato flakes and scrutinizes the minimal instructions)

Relative 1: But what type of milk?  What type of butter?  Why are there no specifics?  (Looks up to the ceiling) Thanksgiving’s gonna be ruined because of MEEEEEE!!!!

Shopper 2: (In mid-rush with an overflowing shopping cart; briefly pauses next to Relative 1) Used to feel the same way: just tell everybody it’s that or nothing, they shut up real fast.  (Resumes sprint as Relative 1 stares after, then back at the box in a panic)

THANKSGIVING – BEFORE THE MAIN EVENT

 (At Relative 2’s house, chaos reigns as multiple dishes are being prepared simultaneously in the kitchen, adults yell at each other in order to be heard, and children yell at each other just because)

Relative 2: (To Relative 3) Could you start carving the turkey while I finish up the mushrooms?

Relative 3: Of course!  (Starts sharpening knives with glee) I live for this.

Relative 2: You worry me.  (Counts the full pots, pans, and platters on or in tables, counters, stoves, ovens, broilers, toasters, and microwaves) Hold it – we’re missing one.  (Thinks for a few moments, then slams a hand down on a cutting board in realization) Mashed potatoes!

Relative 4: (Entering the kitchen with an empty appetizer tray to clean) Yeah, is anyone else concerned that cousin’s not here yet?

Relative 2: (Grabs an upright phone sitting on a charger and pounds the keys while grinding teeth) Not – enough – sides!

Relative 4: Just me then?  OK.  (Starts on the towering pile of dishes in the sink)

Relative 2: (Listens to the phone ring, then immediately speaks once the call is answered) WHERE ARE MY MASHED POTATOES?!

Relative 1: Uhhhh…. (Covered in potato flakes and watching a pot on the stove slowly but surely bubble up to overflowing) I think I might’ve misread the instructions….

Relative 2: What instructions?!  You bring them here and we reheat them, HOW CAN YOU MESS UP DOING NOTHING?!

Relative 1: (Stirring the pot faster and faster) Well, the store didn’t have that kind, so I had to get a box of dried-out potatoes instead, and milk, and butter, and they don’t even tell you what type, by the way: 1%?  2%?  Salted?  Unsalted?  And what type of salt, but I skipped that –

Relative 2: YOU COULD’VE BROUGHT THE BOX HERE AND I WOULD’VE MADE THEM!

Relative 1: (Stops stirring; the pot boils over) …You seemed busy.

Relative 2: (Bites on a wooden spoon, then speaks deathly low) Stop whatever you’re doing, get over here now, and bring the box with you.

Relative 1: (Tries using a lid to smother the overflowing pot) OK, I guess I can wrap it up so it doesn’t spill all over the car – traffic’s a nightmare right now though, so it’s probably gonna take me at least an hour –

Relative 2: I SAID GET OVER HERE NOW!  (Slams the phone down onto the charger, takes a breath, and sees Relative 3 hovering in mid-carve while staring at Relative 2) Who told you to stop?!

Relative 3: (Starts slicing again) On it!

Relative 2: (Enters the living room where most of the relatives are gathered, about half of them watching the football game) All right folks, I’ve got good news and bad news.  Good news is: dinner is almost ready.

Relatives: YAY!

Relative 2: Bad news is: there’ll be no mashed potatoes.

Relatives: ARGGGGHHHHH…. (Relative 5 stands up to leave)

Relative 2: (Points to Relative 5) Sit!

Relative 5: (Sits back on the couch, grumbling) But I only wanted to eat the mashed potatoes….

Relative 2: I know, everyone;, it’s a great loss, but we will strive to enjoy the turkey and the 23 other sides without it, I suppose.

Relative 4: (Leans into the living room from the growing pile in the kitchen sink) Wait a second, is the cousin who was supposed to bring it all right?  Did something happen?

Relative 2: Irrelevant to the meal!  (Spins on heel and returns to the kitchen, stopping short in front of the main stove) And now the gravy’s all lumpy, gaaaaaahhhhh!!!!

THANKSGIVING – DESSERT HOUR

 (Relative 1 enters Relative 2’s house carefully carrying a large package while everyone else sits at several tables of varying sizes eating pies, cakes, cookies, and candies)

Relative 1: (As everyone turns to the sound of the front door closing) Hi everybody, Happy Thanksgiving!

Relatives: (Waving) Hiiiiiiii!!!!  Happy Thanksgiving!

Relative 4: You made it!  Are you OK?

Relative 1: (As Relative 2 zooms over from the main table) Yeah, just a little mishap with the mashed potatoes, sorry you had to miss out on those this year.

Relatives: Nah – that’s OK – it’s fine –

Relative 5: It was not fine for me!

Relative 1: (Turns to Relative 2’s glare and holds out the package) So, I ran out to the store again today and managed to snag the last batch of freshly-baked cinnamon buns –

Relative 2: (Snatches the package out of Relative 1’s hands) All is forgiven.

Story 516: Interdepartmental Brainstorming

             (In an office, Coworker 1 sits at a desk and taps the same computer key over and over with no change in the result)

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2 sitting at the next desk over) Hey, boss?

Coworker 2: (Without looking away from editing a novel) Sssshhhh... trying to keep that tidbit of knowledge on a minimum distribution basis.

Coworker 1: Really?  I figured everyone else knew you were CEO but me.

Coworker 2: No, and I’d like to keep it that way for as long as possible – what’s up?

Coworker 1: (Briefly glances at the computer screen and then back at Coworker 2) Would you be able to help me with a spreadsheet?

Coworker 2: No.

Coworker 1: …“No” because you can’t or “No” because you won’t?

Coworker 2: Both.  (Turns to Coworker 1) No matter where you are on the corporate ladder, you can only climb up it by delegating as much of your work as possible.

Coworker 1: This was delegated to me.

Coworker 2: Oh.  Stinks to be you, then.  (Returns to copy editing)

(Coworker 1’s desk phone rings)

Coworker 1: (Picks up the receiver and cradles it on one shoulder in order to continue typing) Accounts Payable.

Coworker 3: (Voice) Thank goodness you’re at your desk – we have an escalating crisis here, and I’m not handling it very well!

Coworker 1: Huh?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, we’ve got a situation going on and we’ve exhausted all our mental resources so we figured why not ask you next.

Coworker 1: Thanks, I think – am I on speaker phone?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, there are about 10 of us here representing 17 departments.

Coworkers 5-12: (Voices) Hi.

Coworker 9: (Voice) Make that 20 departments – I just got assigned two more this morning, ahahahahaha – !  (Dissolves into sobs)

Coworker 1: Whoa, wait a minute, this sounds like a bit much, I think I should get my manager – (Sees Coworker 2 shaking head and mouthing “No”) hold on – (Covers up the phone’s mouthpiece and whispers to Coworker 2) Why not?  You said I should delegate.

Coworker 2: Yeah, delegate down or lateral – never delegate up if you can help it.  Isn’t there someone else in your department you can dump this on – I mean, assign this to?

Coworker 1: I think they’re all on lunch right now and I’m the only chump working.  (Uncovers the phone) So, how can I help you?

Coworker 3: (Voice) Well, check requests were submitted and approved for purchase orders, and the checks were sent out but now nobody knows where they went!

Coworker 1: Did you check – heh-heh, sorry – with the courier?

Coworker 4: (Voice) First thing we did: documented as delivered, but no checks in sight.

Coworker 1: Maybe they got mailed for deposit right after?

Coworker 5: (Voice) Already looked – no record!

Coworker 1: Still: might’ve gone out and someone forgot to record it.

Coworker 5: (Voice) I’m the one who tracks those!

Coworker 1: OK… and….

Coworker 5: (Voice) I didn’t forget!  There are no checks to be had here!

Coworker 1: (Starts rubbing forehead to ward off a headache) OK, then maybe they were delivered to the wrong department?

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) We asked everywhere!

Coworker 1: No one asked this department.

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) …Did you get any checks lately you shouldn’t’ve?

Coworker 1: (Sighs) No.

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) Now we asked everywhere!

Coworker 1: OK, OK, if, by chance, they went somewhere else… outside the building… dropped onto the sidewalk… do you want me to look up whether they were deposited by someone else?

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) YES!

Coworker 1: (Holds phone away from ear for a few seconds) All right, send me the invoice numbers and I’ll contact the bank.

Coworker 2: (Voice echoes through Coworker 1’s phone earpiece and Coworker 2’s phone’s speaker) Can you CC me on the e-mails, please?

Coworker 1: (Looks distractedly at Coworker 2) Yeah…. (Covers up the mouthpiece and whispers again) How’d you get on this call, too?!

Coworker 2: (Hits “Mute” on the phone) They conferenced me in – guess it’s important.

Coworker 1: Great, that’s just perfect – (Uncovers the mouthpiece) Once I get the invoice numbers, I’ll get right on it and let you know when I hear back.

Coworker 6: (Voice zooms in) Could you expedite that so we know what happened ASAP?  It’s a lot of money.

Coworker 1: Sure, just…. (Keeps refreshing the e-mail inbox) I need the e-mail first before I can do anything.

Coworker 3: (Voice with sounds of rapid keystrokes underneath) I’m typing as fast as I can!  It’s about 50 invoices!

Coworker 1: WHAT?!  And the checks all just disappeared?!

Coworker 3: (Voice) Yes!  You understand now why we’re all freaking out?!

Coworker 1: (Holding head with one hand and the receiver with the other) Wait, so that many checks would’ve been delivered in a bigger package, then – did you get any boxes dropped off there recently?

Coworker 3: (Typing stops; sounds of rustling papers and heavier objects being dropped; voice) No – just the stationery delivery – ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

Coworkers 4-12: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..

Coworker 1: “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” what?!

Coworker 7: (Voice) We never actually read the label on this thing.

Coworker 11: (Voice in the distance) Checks always arrive in large envelopes, you know?

Coworker 4: (Voice) We ordered stationery recently and this looks just like that box those arrive in, so uncanny –

Coworker 1: (Head is now lying on the desk; muffled into the phone) Does the label say “Accounts Payable” on it?

Coworker 3: (Sounds of ripping packaging; voice) Yes!  Yes!  The checks are all in here, yay!

Coworkers 4-12: (Voices) YAY!

Coworker 1: (Still on the desk) Yay.

Coworker 2: (Turns off “Mute”; voice echoes again) Great job, team, glad that’s all resolved now, keep up the good work!  I have a meeting in five so I’m signing off now, bye!

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYE!

Coworker 1: (Sits up as Coworker 2 lifts the receiver to end the call on that phone; to the others) So, do you need anything else from me?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Nope, we’re all good now, thanks!

Coworker 1: OK.  Bye.

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

(Coworker 1 gently hangs up the phone and stares into the middle distance)

Coworker 2: (Smirks at Coworker 1) I’m proud of you.

Coworker 1: I feel like I just ran a mini-marathon without physically moving from this spot.

Coworker 2: And that, is why, you delegate.

Story 515: Fame Without Celebrity

             (In a lecture hall at a convention center, a session begins that will feature the stars of an upcoming blockbuster film)

Director: (Standing on a stage next to a long table with microphones and nameplates at intervals for each chair and addressing the audience) Hello, nerds!

Audience: (Applauding wildly) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Director: Thank you for spending your hard-earned or nonexistent money to come here today and listen to us tease a movie that’ll premier at least a year from now, if we’re lucky.

Audience: (Applauding wildly again) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Director: And now, without further ado, here are the stars you’ve all come to see!  (Flings out the arm not holding the microphone toward stage left, where several actors enter smiling and waving at the audience and then sit at table with their matching nameplate)

Audience: (Now standing while applauding wildly) WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

(One actor, whose chair is at the exact center of the table, enters last wearing a cap with his head tucked down and not smiling or waving as he zooms straight to the seat and sits in a slouch, hands folded in his lap and not looking up)

Director: (Smiling fondly at the group) My shining film family: what a journey we’ve taken, what adventures we’ve shared, what stories we have to tell.  Forever friendships made through our shared journey… (Almost all the actors at the table nod in agreement) that’ll end with us probably never seeing each other again after we finish the publicity tour.  Now – (To the audience) where’s our first question for our lil’ gang here?  (Sees a crew member bring a microphone to an audience member) Yes, you first – hi!

Audience Member 1: Hi!  (Points to the actor seated at the center of the table) My question is for Chad right there, who seems to be hiding from us; hiiiiiii Chaaaaad!

Chad: (Lifts head up slightly) Hi.  (Heads goes back down)

Audience Member 1: So, my question is, how does it feel to be suddenly thrust into superstardom when you landed the lead role in this humongous film that millions of fans of the franchise have been begging to see for literally decades?!

Audience: Squeeeeeee!!!!!

Chad: (Looks up slightly) How… does it feel?

Audience Member 1: Yes, especially since you’ve been in the industry for a while in only supporting roles, and now, all at once, you are IT!

Director: (Applauding with the audience and co-stars) Yeah, Chad!  I had final say on casting him, by the way.

Chad: (Thinks for a few moments) Well… it feels....

Director: (As the moments stretch into uncomfortable silence) Pretty cool, I bet, right?

Audience: Ahahahahahaha!

Chad: Actually, the whole thing kind of stinks.

Audience: Ahahaha – ha?

Chad: (Leans forward to speak more into the table microphone) I mean, I liked my career – my life – the way it was: it was steady work and I could go out and do pretty much whatever I wanted.  When I got this role, I figured, “Sure, whatever, bump in pay, right?”  Little did I know, I was signing an invisible contract that meant life as I knew it was now over!

Director: Heh-heh; oh Chad, we all know the perils of fame –

Chad: (To Director) Do we?!  I only auditioned for the part because my now-former agent swore to me that the film’s budget was so big it would never see the light of day, and this just would keep me employed until the next Broadway audition season started!

Director: Uh, Chad, maybe don’t mention the budget –

Chad: (Back to Audience Member 1) You know, no one tells you that when you’re the so-called “star” that everyone else in the world now thinks they own you!  People somehow found out where I live and now camp on my front lawn regularly, stealing my mail even when I locked the box, following me when I go food shopping, coming up to me while I’m running on park trails demanding a copy of my chicken-scratch signature which I can’t even read, and asking while I’m at the dentist’s office about how I live and feel as if I was this character when – hate to burst your bubble – I never read any of the source material this dude’s based on!

Audience: (Collectively) <GASP!>

Director: Maybe we should hear from some of your co-stars now –

Chad: (Grabs the table microphone and stands) And another thing: I don’t appreciate having my entire life scrutinized from birth, or my family and friends harassed for details on everything I’ve ever done, or my dating life now ruined because I can’t trust that anyone I may be interested in isn’t actually an undercover stalker!

Audience Member 2: (Stands up at the back of the hall) I LOVE YOU, CHAD!

Chad: (Gestures vaguely in that unseen direction) See?!  See?!  How can you say that?!  I don’t know you!  You don’t know me!  I could be a jerk and you could be a psychopath!

Audience Member 2: YOU ARE SO WISE!  I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE NOW!

Chad: (Back to the general audience, holding the microphone in both hands) I just want to walk down the street in peace again!  Can’t you all just let me walk down the street in peace again?!

Director: (Yanks the microphone out of Chad’s hands and turns back to the audience) Let’s hear it for Chad’s wholehearted dedication to the craft!  (Audience applauds politely)

Audience Member 1: (Hands the microphone back to the crew member and sits) I guess I’m done, then.

Chad: (Sits back on the chair and lowers his head onto his arms on the table; muffled) I don’t even get the rest of my pay until after the film’s released!

Director: So!  Let’s have another question from the audience!

Audience Member 3: (Stands and is handed the microphone from the same crew member) Hello, my question is for Priya –

Priya: (Had been staring at Chad who is sitting next to her, quietly sobbing; she now sits forward to speak into the table microphone) Yes, hi!

Audience Member 3: You’ve been a superstar yourself for a number of years – have you had all this like Chad, only worse?

Priya: Unfortunately, yes.  (Pats Chad on the shoulder) Hate to say it, kid: even though they’ll take it easier on you than they do me, it only goes downhill from here.  (Chad groans loudly into his arms)

Director: (Mops sweat off brow with an event flyer) Any questions out there related to the actual film?!  Please?!

Audience Member 4: (Stands while looking at a phone display and is given the microphone by the crew member, who had taken it from Audience Member 3) Yeah, I’m reading here that the movie’s release just got cancelled `cause it went way over budget.  Is that true?

Director: (As Chad sits up suddenly) Well, to my knowledge, we are right on track to – (Hears phone buzzing and reads a message) Huh.  (To the actors at the table) Well kiddos, word from above says there’s not going to be a movie now since apparently my vision didn’t match their budget.  I call that them being cheapskates rather than me being unable to deal with finances properly, but the bottom line is disappointment to say the least.

Audience and Most of the Cast: Argghhhh…..

Chad: (Stands with arms raised in triumph and runs out stage left) YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Director: (In the ensuing silence) Whelp, at least somebody here got a happy ending out of all this.