(In a lecture hall at a convention center, a session begins that will feature the stars of an upcoming blockbuster film)
Director: (Standing on a stage next to a long table with microphones and nameplates at intervals for each chair and addressing the audience) Hello, nerds!
Audience: (Applauding wildly) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Director: Thank you for spending your hard-earned or nonexistent money to come here today and listen to us tease a movie that’ll premier at least a year from now, if we’re lucky.
Audience: (Applauding wildly again) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Director: And now, without further ado, here are the stars you’ve all come to see! (Flings out the arm not holding the microphone toward stage left, where several actors enter smiling and waving at the audience and then sit at table with their matching nameplate)
Audience: (Now standing while applauding wildly) WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
(One actor, whose chair is at the exact center of the table, enters last wearing a cap with his head tucked down and not smiling or waving as he zooms straight to the seat and sits in a slouch, hands folded in his lap and not looking up)
Director: (Smiling fondly at the group) My shining film family: what a journey we’ve taken, what adventures we’ve shared, what stories we have to tell. Forever friendships made through our shared journey… (Almost all the actors at the table nod in agreement) that’ll end with us probably never seeing each other again after we finish the publicity tour. Now – (To the audience) where’s our first question for our lil’ gang here? (Sees a crew member bring a microphone to an audience member) Yes, you first – hi!
Audience Member 1: Hi! (Points to the actor seated at the center of the table) My question is for Chad right there, who seems to be hiding from us; hiiiiiii Chaaaaad!
Chad: (Lifts head up slightly) Hi. (Heads goes back down)
Audience Member 1: So, my question is, how does it feel to be suddenly thrust into superstardom when you landed the lead role in this humongous film that millions of fans of the franchise have been begging to see for literally decades?!
Audience: Squeeeeeee!!!!!
Chad: (Looks up slightly) How… does it feel?
Audience Member 1: Yes, especially since you’ve been in the industry for a while in only supporting roles, and now, all at once, you are IT!
Director: (Applauding with the audience and co-stars) Yeah, Chad! I had final say on casting him, by the way.
Chad: (Thinks for a few moments) Well… it feels....
Director: (As the moments stretch into uncomfortable silence) Pretty cool, I bet, right?
Audience: Ahahahahahaha!
Chad: Actually, the whole thing kind of stinks.
Audience: Ahahaha – ha?
Chad: (Leans forward to speak more into the table microphone) I mean, I liked my career – my life – the way it was: it was steady work and I could go out and do pretty much whatever I wanted. When I got this role, I figured, “Sure, whatever, bump in pay, right?” Little did I know, I was signing an invisible contract that meant life as I knew it was now over!
Director: Heh-heh; oh Chad, we all know the perils of fame –
Chad: (To Director) Do we?! I only auditioned for the part because my now-former agent swore to me that the film’s budget was so big it would never see the light of day, and this just would keep me employed until the next Broadway audition season started!
Director: Uh, Chad, maybe don’t mention the budget –
Chad: (Back to Audience Member 1) You know, no one tells you that when you’re the so-called “star” that everyone else in the world now thinks they own you! People somehow found out where I live and now camp on my front lawn regularly, stealing my mail even when I locked the box, following me when I go food shopping, coming up to me while I’m running on park trails demanding a copy of my chicken-scratch signature which I can’t even read, and asking while I’m at the dentist’s office about how I live and feel as if I was this character when – hate to burst your bubble – I never read any of the source material this dude’s based on!
Audience: (Collectively) <GASP!>
Director: Maybe we should hear from some of your co-stars now –
Chad: (Grabs the table microphone and stands) And another thing: I don’t appreciate having my entire life scrutinized from birth, or my family and friends harassed for details on everything I’ve ever done, or my dating life now ruined because I can’t trust that anyone I may be interested in isn’t actually an undercover stalker!
Audience Member 2: (Stands up at the back of the hall) I LOVE YOU, CHAD!
Chad: (Gestures vaguely in that unseen direction) See?! See?! How can you say that?! I don’t know you! You don’t know me! I could be a jerk and you could be a psychopath!
Audience Member 2: YOU ARE SO WISE! I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE NOW!
Chad: (Back to the general audience, holding the microphone in both hands) I just want to walk down the street in peace again! Can’t you all just let me walk down the street in peace again?!
Director: (Yanks the microphone out of Chad’s hands and turns back to the audience) Let’s hear it for Chad’s wholehearted dedication to the craft! (Audience applauds politely)
Audience Member 1: (Hands the microphone back to the crew member and sits) I guess I’m done, then.
Chad: (Sits back on the chair and lowers his head onto his arms on the table; muffled) I don’t even get the rest of my pay until after the film’s released!
Director: So! Let’s have another question from the audience!
Audience Member 3: (Stands and is handed the microphone from the same crew member) Hello, my question is for Priya –
Priya: (Had been staring at Chad who is sitting next to her, quietly sobbing; she now sits forward to speak into the table microphone) Yes, hi!
Audience Member 3: You’ve been a superstar yourself for a number of years – have you had all this like Chad, only worse?
Priya: Unfortunately, yes. (Pats Chad on the shoulder) Hate to say it, kid: even though they’ll take it easier on you than they do me, it only goes downhill from here. (Chad groans loudly into his arms)
Director: (Mops sweat off brow with an event flyer) Any questions out there related to the actual film?! Please?!
Audience Member 4: (Stands while looking at a phone display and is given the microphone by the crew member, who had taken it from Audience Member 3) Yeah, I’m reading here that the movie’s release just got cancelled `cause it went way over budget. Is that true?
Director: (As Chad sits up suddenly) Well, to my knowledge, we are right on track to – (Hears phone buzzing and reads a message) Huh. (To the actors at the table) Well kiddos, word from above says there’s not going to be a movie now since apparently my vision didn’t match their budget. I call that them being cheapskates rather than me being unable to deal with finances properly, but the bottom line is disappointment to say the least.
Audience and Most of the Cast: Argghhhh…..
Chad: (Stands with arms raised in triumph and runs out stage left) YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Director: (In the ensuing silence) Whelp, at least somebody here got a happy ending out of all this.
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