(Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 meet cute on a battlefield and mutually disarm each other)
Romantic Lead 1: (Lifts up helmet’s visor to reveal a subjectively attractive face) AHA! So it comes to this: one last, final combat, ending with me defeating a worthy opponent with my bare hands!
Romantic Lead 2: (Also lifts up helmet’s visor to reveal a subjectively attractive face) Not if I defeat you with my bare hands first, oh representative of my people’s mortal enemies!
Romantic Lead 1: Ideals are rubbish! I spit on them! (Dry spits onto the ground)
Romantic Lead 2: (Gasps) You clearly have no soul! What do you fight for, then?
Romantic Lead 1: Money. I never let emotions get in the way of doing a good job – I’m only in this battle `cause being a soldier’s the one thing I’m fit for in life, and I’m just following orders. (Immediately winces)
Romantic Lead 2: (Also winces, and shakes head) Ooooh, no-no-no-no –
Romantic Lead 1: Yeah, the moment the words came out of my mouth, I realized – (A nearby explosion makes them both flinch) Enough of this palaver: on to the death match!
Romantic Lead 2: YES! (They race toward each other and grapple in an extremely well-choreographed melee until Romantic Lead 2 lands astride Romantic Lead 1, poised to deliver a fatal blow) Yield!
Romantic Lead 1: Never! (Dry spits again, off to the side)
Romantic Lead 2: Stop that! You’re ruining an otherwise suggestive moment.
Romantic Lead 1: Why would you want me to yield anyway? Shouldn’t you just be killing me outright, like any regular ol’ soldier’s supposed to do?!
Romantic Lead 2: I – don’t know…?
Romantic Lead 1: Or are you suddenly authorized to take prisoners now?
Romantic Lead 2: Not that I’ve been told.
Soldier 1: But we are.
(Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 abruptly notice that they are surrounded by other soldiers wearing uniforms not matching either of theirs and all pointing weapons at them)
Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2: Who the blazes are you?!
Soldier 1: Opportunists needed for the plot. Take `em, fellas!
(Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are dragged to their feet)
Soldier 2: Should we chain them together or individually?
Soldier 1: Together – it’ll ratchet up the tension.
Soldier 2: What?
Soldier 1: What?
(Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are thrown into a dank cell, chained together at the wrist)
Romantic Lead 1: (As they sit on the dirty floor, companionably back-to-back) Well, this is an unfortunate turn of events.
Romantic Lead 2: Yeah – can’t hate you as much if we’ve now both got someone else to hate even more.
Romantic Lead 1: (Sighs heavily) I suppose we’ll have to work together in order to get out of here, exchanging personal histories and common interests in the process, thereby earning each other’s trust, respect, and, dare I say it, admiration. (Turns to Romantic Lead 2 and attempts to stare soulfully at the latter)
Romantic Lead 2: I guess. (Raises eyebrows with an idea) OR, we can actually get some sleep until the inevitable prisoner exchange goes through. (Shifts chain to lie down and falls asleep immediately)
Romantic Lead 1: (Stares blankly at Romantic Lead 2 for several seconds) …Yeah, sounds like a good idea. (Also lies down and falls asleep immediately)
Soldier 1: (Casually passes by the cell, peeks in, and stomps off, muttering) Dang it, they’re not even hate-flirting with each other.
(After a botched prisoner exchange, Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are on the run still chained to each other – they traverse fields and forests with no real destination in mind, until the chains finally fall off after months of rust)
Romantic Lead 2: (As each rub their raw and possibly infected wrists) Wow. We’re finally free of each other.
Romantic Lead 1: Yes, finally free…. Glad there’ll be no more of those awkward bathroom breaks, am-I-right?
Romantic Lead 2: Yeah, could have done without having to figure out those logistics. So, the offer I mentioned some time ago is still open: you want to join me in my quest to overthrow both of our corrupt governments and that random third-party that imprisoned us out of nowhere?
Romantic Lead 1: (Thinks for a few moments, then shakes head) Nah, sounds like too much work. I’d rather just go to a tavern, get some decently cooked food for the first time in almost a year, then go home and hope I don’t get executed for desertion.
Romantic Lead 2: You know, I think I like that option better. Mind if I join you?
Romantic Lead 1: Not in the slightest – after all we’ve been through together, it’d feel kind of weird us not being by each other’s sides anymore, day in, day out….
Romantic Lead 2: Same. Isn’t that funny?
(They laugh gently, then turn to face the gorgeous sunset as non-diegetic music swells in the background)
Romantic Lead 2: (Leans toward Romantic Lead 1 while both still stare at the inspirational view) Not to spoil the moment, but I have to ask: has anyone ever mentioned that you tend to be a mouth breather?
Romantic Lead 1: …Yes. Has anyone ever mentioned that your breath has a strange odor, and not just after certain foods, but all the time?
Romantic Lead 2: …Yes. Might be a medical condition – I never bothered to find out.
Romantic Lead 1: (Nods) Likewise.
(Both clamp their mouths shut while watching the Earth rotate away from its star)
(In a tavern, Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are served dinner)
Romantic Lead 1: (As both dig in) On an expository note, that was darned clever of you to have extra coins sewn under your skin before the battle on the off-chance you were ever taken prisoner and then escaped with no income to be had for months on end.
Romantic Lead 2: Why, thank you. And that was clever of you to convince our superiors that we spent this entire time spying for our respective sides so they’d agree not to end us on our return.
Romantic Lead 1: Why, thank you. It seems we make a good team, after all.
Romantic Lead 2: Definitely. (They clank their steins in a toast and drink, then eat in awkward silence for a few moments)
Romantic Lead 1: (Brow furrowed in thought) You know, I’ve been thinking –
Romantic Lead 2: (Gulps down a pepper nervously) Yes?
Romantic Lead 1: We’ve been through a lot together – and I mean, a lot –
Romantic Lead 2: (Nods frantically while drinking, then wipes upper lip) Uh-huh, darn tootin’ we have, what with the battle, and the imprisonment, and being on the run, and all the adventures we’ve had that are too many to go over now, and the forced closeness for months, and all the things we’ve learned about each other’s lives…. (Drinks some more)
Romantic Lead 1: (Distractedly spins a fork on the table) Yeah… all that tends to lead inevitably to one thing….
Romantic Lead 2: (Devours a celery stalk in three bites) Does it?
Romantic Lead 1: Mm-hmm…. (Looks up at Romantic Lead 2) That’s why, it’s so hard for me say that, I’m… not in love with you.
Romantic Lead 2: (Blinks for a beat) Oh thank goodness!
Romantic Lead 1: What?
Romantic Lead 2: You said “not”, right?
Romantic Lead 1: Yeah?
Romantic Lead 2: Well that’s perfect, because I feel exactly the same way!
Romantic Lead 1: Wait, so it’s not just me? You’re not in love with me, too?
Romantic Lead 2: (Laughs while shaking head) No! It’s the strangest thing!
Romantic Lead 1: I know! I mean, for one thing, you are hot.
Romantic Lead 2: As are you.
Romantic Lead 1: And yet, here we are. It boggles the mind.
Romantic Lead 2: I tried my best, I really did! All the signs were pointing that way, with us going the “enemies-to-friends” route and everything.
Romantic Lead 1: Exactly! The next logical step clearly was “-to-lovers”, and I kept waiting and waiting for it to happen, but no matter how much I forced myself, I just couldn’t get past feelings of… camaraderie.
Romantic Lead 2: (Clasps hands in glee) It’s like we’re on the same wavelength in everything! Oh, this is wonderful!
(They smile broadly at each other and return to eating comfortably now)
Romantic Lead 1: I must say, this is certainly a relief – now we can go back home to our families and friends emotionally unimpeded.
Romantic Lead 2: Ugh, yes, thankfully; I hate pining. Something like that would’ve been extra difficult seeing as our two peoples still are, you know, at never-ending war with each other.
Romantic Lead 1: Yes, that would have been the exact definition of “star-crossed lovers”: years of us longing for each other, possibly marrying someone else for societal convenience, and then maybe crossing paths at some point in the distant future for one passionate hook-up that’ll have to last us for the rest of our lives, blech. (Shudders in disgust)
Romantic Lead 2: (Grimaces in sympathy) Yeah, this way’s much less stressful and angst-ridden.
(They eat some more in companionable silence)
Romantic Lead 1: (Looks up at Romantic Lead 2 in sudden thought) We’ll still write each other when we part ways though, right?
Romantic Lead 2: Of course! Who else out there would put up with us?
Romantic Lead 1: (As they clasp arms across the table and grin) Buddy!
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