Story 448: The Great 4th of July Party Platter Hunt

 The great hunt begins.

After the ordeal of commuting from The City after the ordeal of The Workday, The Hunter mounts the trusty metallic steed and frantically charges toward the stationary herds where the prey is anticipated to await.

The date: July 3.

The target: a fruit platter large enough for a gathering of both family and friends.

The back-up plan: buying individual strawberries, cantaloupes, honeydews, pineapples, and watermelons, and chopping up the whole mess.  This is not an ideal alternative: it will be slipshod, it will be haphazard, it will be slovenly, and it will reek of procrastination.

The Hunter arrives at Herd #1, Supermarket Down-the-Street; rapidly dismounts the cooling metallic steed; and charges directly into the Herd.

Target Acquired: the display of pre-packed fruit and vegetables sits brazenly in the open, daring those strong enough to come seize the spoils.

The Hunter hesitates not and plunges ahead.

The shelves in the display are practically bare: the only ones left are a tiny platter fit for a mere family dinner, and a large platter exactly at its sell-by date.

Blast.  The hunt continues.

The Hunter remounts the metallic steed and charges across the street to Herd #2, The Rival Supermarket Down-the-Street.

After several minutes wading through the terrain, it is determined that no fruit platters were ever actually to be had here.  This Herd is left intact, and the hunt continues once more.

The Hunter remounts the metallic steed yet again, temperature of both rider and vehicle steadily increasing, and embarks for Herd #3, The Supermarket Next-Town-Over.

Upon charging into the midst of the herd, it is glaringly apparent that all prey have been claimed by other hunters long ago; The Hunter about-faces and leaves immediately.

At The Rival Supermarket Next-Town-Over, the shelves empty of prey in Herd # 4 stare back at The Hunter for quite some time before the former runs out the door.  Less than a minute later, an employee wheels over a cart of platters to restock the shelves, unobserved.

At last, The Hunter has success with Herd #5: a fruit platter that is not too big or too small, but just right.  The Hunter uses a net with a grappling hook to snare the perfect platter, inspect the sell-by date, and whisk the prize off to the self-check-out lane.  The Hunt has come to a successful conclusion after much toil and heartache.

The date: July 4.

The great migratory herds of hunters and their metallic steeds slowly crawl through roads packed with massive numbers of their kind, as all head to watering holes of various sizes to eat, drink, and watch colored flames exploding in the sky to celebrate their status as an independent nation, and all the sacrifices and hard work that these festivities represent.

Hunter’s Companion, in the driver’s seat of the metallic steed, turns to Hunter as they wait to advance another inch and says, “You know, it’ll take us forever to get there, but at least it’ll be fun once we do.  Good thing you got the fruit platter yesterday instead of waiting till today, huh.”

Hunter: “…I left it on the kitchen counter!”

Story 430: I Wasn’t Expecting Company Today

 (In the parking lot of Friend 1’s apartment building)

Friend 1: (Struggling to get out of the passenger side of Friend 2’s car while carrying skis and poles, which keep hitting the door frame) Did you ever have buyer’s remorse within an hour of purchase?

Friend 2: I am not driving you back to the mall; we barely made it out intact as it is.

Friend 1: (Constantly falling back into the passenger seat when hitting the door frame) Yeah, but people sure did get out of our way once I had these babies!  Oof.

Friend 2: You don’t ski!

Friend 1: (Takes a short break before trying to get out again) That’s a fallacious argument: I never had skis to ski, so now that I have skis I will ski.

Friend 2: If you’re going to randomly take up a sport then just rent the equipment at a lodge!

Friend 1: Oh.  (Falls back again)

Friend 2: Urgh; let me.  (Unbuckles seat belt, gets out of the car, walks around to the other side, and grabs the skis and poles from Friend 1)

Friend 1: (Gets out of the car and takes the equipment back) Much obliged.

Friend 2: You’d better be.  (Starts to walk back to the driver’s side but slips on some ice and falls) Whoop!

Friend 1: (Stares at the prone figure on the ground for a few moments) You OK?

Friend 2: (Tries to stand but winces in pain) Ah!  No, I think I sprained my ankle.

Friend 1: Drat.  You have a habit of slipping and falling on ice, and of course the one time you actually hurt yourself it’s in my building’s parking lot.

Friend 2: (Tries to stand by leaning on the car) Don’t they salt it at all here?

Friend 1: There’s always a valiant effort, but Nature will not be tamed.

Friend 2: (Still trying to stand) You think you can put down your impulse buys and give me a hand!  (Friend 1 shifts the equipment to one side and starts to clap) Don’t you dare!

Friend 1: (Stops) I couldn’t resist the opening.  (Props the skis and poles up against the car and helps Friend 2 stand) Here, let’s hobble back over to the driver’s side….

Friend 2: I can’t drive like this!

Friend 1: Sure you can; it’s not like the pedals need much pressure; cars practically drive themselves nowadays anyway.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1 as if the latter has two heads) I sprained my ankle: I need an ice pack to keep it from swelling up like a balloon and some bandages to wrap it up, then maybe I can drive myself home.

Friend 1: Oh.  OK, I’ll run up and get some.  (Starts to leave; Friend 2 nearly tips over and grabs onto the car again)

Friend 2: Hold it!

Friend 1: (Turns around) Yep?

Friend 2: I can’t believe I have to ask this: can you help me up to your apartment so I can maybe, I don’t know, lie down while treating my injury?!

Friend 1: Uhhhhhh… you can lie down in the back seat and I’ll bring the stuff to you; no need to exert yourself!  (Turns to leave again)

Friend 2: Halt!  (Friend 1 turns back slowly) I am saying this backed up by decades of friendship: stop being a pill and help me upstairs!

Friend 1: (Cringes, then puts an arm around Friend 2 for support as they both slowly make their way to the building’s elevators) OK, no need to get all weird about it.

Friend 2: Oh hush up.

(At Friend 1’s apartment, the former helps the latter inside, closes the door, and leads the way to the couch in the living room without turning on any lights)

Friend 1: Here we go, right this way, hold on a sec.  (Lets go of Friend 2, who leans against the wall; there are sounds of a number of objects being pushed off the couch and onto the floor)

Friend 2: (Looks around the gloom while taking off coat and gloves) Where’s the light switch in here again?

Friend 1: Huh?  We don’t need it; it’s still daylight out.

Friend 2: Well, it’s twilight in.

Friend 1: Here we go!  (Pushes Friend 2 onto the couch and throws a blanket in the general direction while also taking off coat and gloves) Be right back with ice and bandages!  (Hustles away to the sound of large objects being kicked out of the way)

Friend 2: (Snuggles into the blanket and mutters) Weirdo.

(After a few minutes of sounds of furniture scraping the floor and objects being tossed around in other rooms, Friend 1 returns with an ice pack and bandages)

Friend 1: (Starts to wrap both around Friend 2’s ankle) Lucky these things don’t expire, am-I-right?

Friend 2: (Takes the items out of Friend 1’s hands) I’ll take care of it.  (Holds the ice pack against the ankle, which is propped up on a pillow) You know, this’d be a lot easier if I could actually see what I’m doing.

Friend 1: Hm?  Oh, sure.  (Goes to the wall and lifts the light switch a smidgen) I’ll go make us some tea!  (Dashes to the kitchen and begins banging pots and cabinet doors in there)

Friend 2: (Shakes head and starts measuring out the bandage while icing; this lasts for about a minute before Friend 2 hops off the couch and pushes up the light switch to the max) What the blazes happened here?!  (The entire living room is an indescribable mess)

Friend 1: (Enters, screams, and throws self between Friend 2 and the room) You weren’t supposed to see this!  No one was supposed to see this!

Friend 2: I don’t understand; I just was here, what, a few weeks ago, it was nothing like this – (Gestures at the space in general) disaster!

Friend 1: Three months, OK!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: It’s been three months since I’ve had anyone over here; it’s been so cold I’ve barely gone outside unless absolutely necessary; I finally discovered online shopping and I keep ordering, ordering, ORDERING!  (Collapses onto the couch) I wasn’t expecting company today – if I’d known I would’ve shoved it all in the bedroom and welded the door shut.

Friend 2: (Gingerly sits next to Friend 1 and stretches leg out, still holding the ice pack against the ankle) It’s OK; once I can start walking on my ankle all right again, I’ll help you sort all… this.

Friend 1: (Sniffs and nods) I used to think I could never be one of those who ordered this much useless stuff, not in a million years, and yet, here I am, one of them.

Friend 2: Well, to be fair, this place never really was “company-ready” on a good day – there’s just more things to get rid of now.

Friend 1: Thanks, you’re a real pal.

Friend 2: Don’t mention it.

(There is a knock on the front door)

Friend 1: Who in the world?  (Stands and opens the door) Yes?

Technician: Hi, I’m here for your dryer vent cleaning.

Friend 1: Today of all days!  (Slams the door)

Friend 2: Wait a minute, wouldn’t you had to’ve made an appointment for that?

Friend 1: I think the landlord was trying to be helpful and made it for us.  We knew it was coming, but neither the day nor the hour. (Opens the door again to the Technician still standing there) Step only where I do.  (Leads the Technician to the laundry room; sounds of objects being tossed out of the way and heavy machines being staggered-stepped along the floor fill the air for several minutes before Friend 1 returns to sit on the couch) Glad to do my bit for fire prevention.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  (Lies back on the couch and Friend 1 helps adjust the icing ankle on a pillow) You know, seeing all this – (Points around the room at all the extra accessories and boxes with more accessories waiting inside) the out-of-nowhere ski purchase now makes total sense.

Friend 1: (Eyes widen) The skis!  (Runs out of the apartment and down four flights of stairs back to the car)

Friend2: (Closes eyes as the sounds of dryer vent cleaning combine with the crashes of more boxes falling to the floor) Just one of those friendships that’s comfortable but exhausting.

Story 421: The Joy of Wrapping Presents

 DECEMBER 23

Friend 2: (Answers the phone while baking cookies) Hi – what’s up?

Friend 1: (On the phone while walking through a beyond-crowded mall) Oh, not much: just doing my annual last-minute holiday shopping, same as the rest of the world here with me right now.  (Waves to the crowds)

Crowds: (Waving to Friend 1) Hiiiiiii!!!! (Resume frenzy)

Friend 1: You done with your shopping yet?

Friend 2: Hanukkah was over three weeks ago this year, so, yeah.

Friend 1: Right.  Lucky.

Friend 2: Also lucky you and I don’t exchange gifts – one less person to shop for.

Friend 1: Best present ever.  I should be done here in another three hours, but the mall closes in two so everyone’ll just have to take whatever I wind up with by then.

Friend 2: That’s the spirit.

Friend 1: (Passing by a card store) Shoot, I just remembered I also have to get more wrapping paper and bows and all that garbage – maybe four hours.

Friend 2: Why not just get gift bags for everybody?  Then you can throw whatever gift in there and fluff some tissue paper around it and that’s that: minimal effort involved.

Friend 1: Ugh, who wants all gift bags?!  That’s the lazy way out – Christmas unequivocally requires tearing apart massive amounts of paper and high-tensile ribbon to reveal the glory within.

Friend 2: If you say so.  Might be easier on you, though – I’ve seen your wrapping in action, and it’s not pretty.

Friend 1: What?!  I know how to wrap!  (Teenagers passing by start to lay down a beat; to Teenagers) Not “rap” – (Holds up all the shopping bags) “wrap!”

Teenagers: (In realization) Ohhhhhh.... (Move along)

Friend 2: You may know in theory, but the reality has a bit lost in translation.

Friend 1: I’ll show you!  I’ll show ALL OF YOU!

Friend 2: Who else are you talking to?

Friend 1: You know – The World.

Friend 2: `K, I’ll let you get to it then – bye.  (Disconnects the call and leisurely starts a new batch of cookies while humming) I love this time of year.

Friend 1: (Scrambles to put away the phone, dropping every other bag) I hate this time of year!

Mall Loudspeaker: Attention, shoppers: the mall will be closing in 30 minutes – we ask at this time that you please begin to get out –

Friend 1: WHAT?!  (Drops the remaining bags while scrambling to look at a watch) HOW DID I LOSE TWO HOURS?!

Parent: (Passing by, surrounded by small children) Very easily.

 DECEMBER 24

(In apartment, Friend 1 is sitting on the living room floor surrounded by gifts, wrapping paper, bows, ribbons, gift bags, tissue paper, tags, and a pen)

Friend 1: Right.  Start with the biggest one first.  (Grabs an asymmetrical package) Well, no one’d actually expect this this to be wrapped.  (Dumps it into a large gift bag, writes on the tag, and crams a bunch of tissue paper into it; nods in satisfaction at the end result)  Right.  Next!  (Grabs a rectangular department store box, measures the paper, cuts, and tries to cover the box but did not leave enough paper for that) Grrrrrr – no, no, mustn’t flip out, I can use the paper for something else, we’ll just try again.  (Measures the paper, cuts, and tries to cover the box but did not leave enough paper for that) GRRRR – OK, skip the box, this’ll be a great gift bag, too.  (Dumps the lump of cloth that was in the box into a large gift bag, writes on the tag, and crams a bunch of tissue paper into it; nods in satisfaction at the end result) Right.  Next!  (Grabs a smaller box) OK, can’t mess this one up, right?  (Measures the paper, cuts, and fits it perfectly around the box) Heh-heh-heh-heh – (Reaches for the tape and realizes there is none) Son of a – !

 ONE HOUR LATER

(Friend 1 returns from the local office supply store, slams the front door shut, rips off coat, hat, and gloves, plops back onto the living room floor, rips open the tape box, and inserts the roll into the dispenser, grumbling the whole time)

Friend 1: (Taping the perfectly wrapped box) If one more person gets in my way – I did not cut you in line, you tried to cut me – whoever designed that parking lot hates people – maybe if you put your shopping cat in the conveniently located corral like a decent human being, it wouldn’t have hit both our cars later – (Finishes the tag and views the box) Ah?  Ahahahahaha!  I did it!  Take that!  (Takes a picture of the wrapped gift and sends it to Friend 2; typing) “In… your… face….” (Sends the message and tosses the phone to the floor) Saying I can’t wrap – maybe you can’t wrap.  (Starts on the next gift and receives a message notification)

Friend 2’s Message: Fluke.

Friend 1: (Angrily typing) “Who… asked… you?!”

Friend 2’s Message. (Several seconds later) You did.

Friend 1: (Angrily typing) “Leave me alone, I need to wrap presents for my loving family!”  (Tosses away the phone)

Friend 2’s Unread Message: You’re ridonkulous.

(Friend 1 wraps the remaining gifts in a whirlwind of activity – most of the packages have crooked seams, barely meeting edges, bulging sides, multiple layers of paper to cover bare sections, and bows, ribbons, and tags anywhere and everywhere)

Friend 1: (Stands up on cramped legs, surveying the disaster) Well, they’ll just have to like it or lump it.

 DECEMBER 25

(At Friend 1’s parents’ house, the family tears apart the hours of wrapping to reveal the glory within)

Friend 1: (Wearing a new fuzzy sweater over pajamas) Well Fam, another good haul this year – I thank ye.

Mother: Yes, thank you both, now let’s clean up this mess.

Father: I’ll get the trash bags.  (Trots out of the living room, brushing wrapping debris off of clothes on the way)

Friend 1: (To Mother) I have to ask: honestly, does my wrapping make you ashamed to call me your child?

Mother: Oh honey, why does it even matter?

Friend 1: It’s been brought to my attention, and by asking why it matters you’re revealing that it does.

Mother: (Laughs and hugs Friend 1) Sweetie.  (Pulls back) You’re being ridonkulous.  (Grabs several gifts to start putting things away)

Friend 1: (Stares at the brightly lit and overly decorated Christmas tree, then looks over at the nativity scene on the nearby table; addresses the newly added Baby Jesus) I guess we should all be thankful I don’t have to wrap you.

Story 404: A Midsummer Night’s Autumn

 In the 95°F late August weather, The Employee clocks out of work at 5:00 p.m. and transforms into The Commuter, soon to become The Shopper – there is always some kind of work to be done.

The bus’s air conditioning does battle with the extreme heat and humidity during the ride through the city; the passengers melt off at each stop, the driver nearly joining them every time.

The sun has been setting a minute earlier each day; at night, the heat remains.

The Commuter evaporates into The Shopper while exiting the bus and floats into a department store; the sweat immediately turns to icicles and The Shopper condenses as the overpowered air conditioning blasts the entire building.  The Shopper’s internal thermodynamics are thrown in a state of array and run off screaming.

The Shopper is likewise befuddled: “Is this Halloween?”

The entire store is decorated in various shades of orange, brown, and black; fake falling leaves are everywhere; possibly-fake cobwebs are strung amongst displays.

The Shopper plunges through a pile of football season paraphernalia to grab a shopping cart, and the trek through the store begins.

One item needed is a replacement beach umbrella, which is tucked away in Summer Clearance: “But I’m going there this weekend!  The lifeguards are still on duty!  Why is all the beach stuff shoved out of the season?!”

At the end of an aisle is a few sunscreen bottles; as The Shopper reaches for one, a motion sensor is tripped and a cackling witch flashes its LED eyes at passers-by.  The Shopper jumps only slightly: “Oh, dear.”

Ghosts and goblins line the walls and shelves, and the constant breeze stirs up the haphazardly strewn leaves and strategically strewn hay bales.

At the store’s café, The Shopper stands on line to buy a lemonade.  The frazzled barista finishes the three-course-meal order of the previous customer and turns to The Shopper: “Hello, would you like to try our pumpkin spice coffee, our pumpkin spice scone, and/or our pumpkin spice pumpkin?”

“…Not today, thank you.”

Sipping the lemonade, The Shopper wanders into the holiday section of the store, which has been converted into a haunted house.

“Beware of midnight, bwahahahaha!!!!” an employee dressed as a werewolf at the house’s entrance greets The Shopper.

The latter checks a watch: “But it’s only 7:00.”

The werewolf’s snarling face stares blankly at The Shopper, who continues on to the candy aisle haunted by products not really needed for another two months: “Ooh, sea salt caramels, yoink!”  Into the cart they go.

The ceiling speakers burst into spooky music at random intervals to announce discounts for the fall; as The Shopper enters one aisle covered in school supplies, the banners strung all over the place and the speakers both scream: “Back to School Sale!”

“Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!”

“You’re telling me,” a child says to The Shopper while being forcefully guided into the aisle by their parent.

Shopping completed, The Shopper transforms once more into The Commuter as the journey home begins.  The sky darkens as night approaches; the temperature is now 88°F; and the sweat resumes its previous activity as the wait for a new bus commences.

The Commuter looks forward to one last day at the beach, filled with sand, surf, and people just everywhere, and a book to read in front of the crashing waves after making the inconvenient trip all the way out there.  While boarding the steaming bus whose air conditioning had surrendered in defeat, The Commuter sees a ginormous sign stretched over the street ahead:

COME SEE OUR THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE NOVEMBER 25!!!

Story 382: What Was Lost Will Be Found – After You’ve Replaced It

In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, The Little Plastic Card waited until The Human was distracted just enough, and one day saw its chance at last.

“Yippee!”  The Little Plastic Card cried for joy while hopping out of The Wallet – the other Cards there rejoiced at their fellow’s good fortune.

“Hurray!” they cheered.  “Fly, my friend!”  “Don’t look back!”  “Take me with you!”

The Little Plastic Card, reveling in newfound freedom, took the time to rest in the dark space where it had alighted – it knew it had at least a day before The Human realized something was amiss(-ing).

“Aaaaaaahhhhhh….”  The Little Plastic Card enjoyed the smooth ride on the back seat floor mat as The Human obliviously commuted to and from work.

 TWO NIGHTS LATER

The Little Plastic Card had just curled up in a blanket on the back seat when The Gum Wrapper popped around the driver’s seat cushion.

“Hey,” it said as an intro.  “You might want to start thinking about relocating soon.”

“How’s that?”

“Word is The Human’s due to go food shopping tomorrow – that’s when you’re usually taken out to do your thing, right?”

“Oh no, that’s tomorrow already?  How could I’ve lost track of the time?”

“Understandable; they’re the ones obsessed with time, what do we need stuff like watches and calendars for?  So, you might wanna skedaddle outta here before then, `cause when The Human takes out The Wallet to pay and sees you’re gone this’ll be the first place they’ll start looking.”

The Little Plastic Card seriously reflected upon this bit of news.  “Thank you so much for the warning, my friend.  If I may ask, how did you come to find out about this?”

“I heard the other Cards in The Wallet talking today while I was still in the pants pocket.”

The Little Plastic Card planned throughout the night, and by the morning was ready: when The Human opened the driver’s side door and slid onto the seat, The Little Plastic Card quickly ducked between the feet and landed on the ground – the timing was perfect.

Watching the car drive away, The Little Plastic Card waited until that was out of sight before making its way to The Human’s townhouse.  The front door had just enough of a gap at the bottom for one as flat as The Little Plastic Card to slide through, and it did so with little effort.  Surveying the empty home, The Little Plastic Card felt that sense of satisfaction when faced with abundance and hardly knowing where to begin.

“The bathroom, I think – I’ve never seen it…. Ooh, somebody hasn’t swept the floor lately.”

 THREE DAYS LATER

 “Yeah, I know I should call the bank, but it’s not stolen, I just can’t find it!”  The Human was surrounded by an array of Stuff pulled out of the bedroom closet, frantically turning out pockets while talking on the phone.  “Well it didn’t just hop out of my wallet so it’s gotta be here somewhere!”

“Hee-hee-hee!”  The Little Plastic Card stealthily made its way from the bedroom to the living room as The Human shouted: “That was the first place I looked!”

“You know,” A Sock under the couch chimed in while The Little Plastic Card climbed up an arm cushion, “The Human’s gonna have to replace you soon, out of necessity.  I’m surprised it hasn’t already happened by now, quite frankly.”

“Good – I’m enjoying retirement!”  The Little Plastic Card bounced from pillow to pillow.

“If you change your mind though, and you’re found after the new card comes in, The Human’ll have been instructed to destroy you.”

The Little Plastic Card froze in mid-bounce: “Oh.  Maybe I should let myself be found now, you think?”

“Depends on what you want out of life.  Me, I’m happy here with the lint and the mites; it’s rather peaceful.  My other half at the time didn’t fare so well: tossed unceremoniously into the garbage can once my absence was noted.  I’ll wind up there one day too, as soon as under here’s actually cleaned, but I figure I’ve got years yet, and garbage’s not so bad.  Least I’ll be in one piece; you’ll be all cut up.”

“You make a good point.”  The Little Plastic Card pondered how best to proceed until The Human wandered into the room, still on the phone.

“Hi, I have an account there and need to replace my debit card – ”

The Little Plastic Card dove between the cushions.

 FIVE YEARS LATER

 Around 2:30 a.m., The Human took out a kettle that had not been used in ages; on bringing it to the sink, a flash at the bottom caught the eye.  Holding the kettle higher in the air, The Human saw The Little Plastic Card affixed to the bottom.

“How on Earth – ?”

The Little Plastic Card separated itself from the kettle and scurried off to the laundry room: “Yippee!”

The Human stared after it, then back to the bottom of the kettle: “Huh, they were right: lack of sleep really does mess you up.”

Story 371: Do Your Last-Minute Gift Shopping in Bad Weather

(Snow is gently falling from the twilight sky – don’t be fooled, the flakes on the ground are hard as a rock and nearly a foot deep on grass and pavement alike.  Dad stands at the living room window, watching the accumulation outside with a maniacal smile)

Dad: (Softly) At last, the world is mine.  (Throws on a heavy coat, gloves, and boots and heads to the front door)  I’m goin’ out to do my Christmas shopping, bye!

Mom: (Curled up in an armchair, not looking up from the book she is reading) Gotta clean off the car and driveway first.

Dad: AREADY DID IT!  (The front door blows shut behind him)

Mom: (Looks up with a confused frown as squealing tires screech along the driveway and down the street) When?

(On the highway, Dad drives between 10 and 15 mph with both the defroster and the radio blasting)

Dad: “Jingle bells”…. (Swerve) “Silver bells”…. (Skid) “Just hear those sleigh bells”…. (Stutter-stop)…. “The bells of Christmas”.... (Swerve-skid) “The bells of St. Mary’s”…. (Slams to a stop in a parking spot at a mall) Sure are a lot of bells this time of year.  (Purposefully strides toward the mall entrance and stops just inside a main door, whipping out a list.  Looking around, there are some crowds but not as many as are usually there on December 23) Perfect.  The storm filtered out the weak.  (He goes from store to store, accumulating bags bursting with items as he whistles carols all the while, handing a candy cane to a Santa Claus as he passes by the pop-up North Pole near the elevators.  Leaning on the checkout at one store while Cashier 1 rings up the purchase) If anyone asked me what I’d like for Christmas, it’d be for someone to pay off my credit card, know-what-I-mean?  (Dad and Cashier 1 simultaneously glance down at the huge pile of stuff he is buying; in a small voice) Don’t judge.

Cashier 1: Not in my job description.

(At a soaps-and-scents store, Dad strolls in, spreads his arms wide, and inhales deeply)

Dad: Aaaaaaaaaaaah – never knew how good this place smelled without the mass of shoppers blocking all my senses.

Associate: Do you need any help?

Dad: For once, no!  I can actually see where everything is in here!  (Skips from display to display, filling up a basket and zooming to the register)

Cashier 2: Bag?  Coupon?  Free gift?  Free gift wrap?

Dad: Wow, never got asked all that here before.

Cashier 2: Never had enough time to go through the list when we have to ring up 500 customers an hour.

Dad: I’ll take it all then.

(At the nearly empty food court, Dad heads toward a burger place)

Dad: (To Cashier 3) Yes, I’d like a triple-decker well done, all the fries, and two milkshakes – one to go.  (Winks)

Cashier 3: (Shutting off the lights) Sorry sir, we’re actually closing early due to the storm, and we never close early this time of year.  You’re the first person who’s come by in over two hours.  (Lights in the other food kiosks also turn off)

Dad: Point taken.  (Walks back to the main mall) Would’ve been nice to have the whole seating area to pick from, though.

(At another store, Dad is reading all the greeting cards)

Mall Loudspeakers: Attention, last-minute shoppers!  Due to the horrific conditions outside, we’ve decided to value human lives over any piddling dollars these struggling stores may make and are closing NOW!  Go home, you weirdos!

Dad: (Piling up an armful of cards and yelling up at the ceiling) Hey!  I haven’t gotten so much shopping done so fast in… ever!

Cashier 4: (Flashing the store’s lights) Bring what you have, please, so I can ring you up and finally get the blazes out of here!

Dad: (Dumps all the cards onto the counter) Oh fine, I was done anyway.  (In the parking lot, mountains of ice-snow outnumber the cars as Dad carefully balances his many bags and walks pigeon-toed to one of the closest spots to the mall, where his car is parked.  He dumps everything into the trunk, slams the door shut, then looks toward the mall as snow sticks to his eyelashes, the last remaining shoppers and employees stream out, and the interior lights turn off) Best Christmas shopping trip of my life.

Story 357: Finding a Perfectly Adequate Gift Is Hard

            (Friend 1 is talking on the phone while walking through a parking lot) 

            Friend 1: Sorry to cut you off, but I’m almost at the pharmacy now.

            Friend 2: (On the phone) Oh sure, what do you have to pick up if you don't mind me asking?

            Friend 1: Just a gift for a coworker’s birthday – tomorrow.

            Friend 2: I thought you said you were going to the pharmacy?

            Friend 1: I am; this one has the best gifts.  Their candle display is unrivalled!

            Friend 2: …OK, know what you’re gonna get?

            Friend 1: Nah, I figure something’ll hit me when I’m in there.

            Friend 2: Shyeah, OK.

            Friend 1: I don’t like the sound of that.

          Friend 2: It’s just, if you don’t have at least an idea of what type of gift you’re getting, then nothing there will be the right one.

            Friend 1: That’s not true!  I’ll find something perfectly adequate in five minutes, tops!

            Friend 2: Mm-hm: so what does your intended recipient like?

          Friend 1: (Entering the store and heading for the gift section) That’s easy, there’s – hang on – (Walks past multiple displays, touching random items) – water bottle?  No, the office’s already given us a million of these – ooh, comfy socks!

            Friend 2: Uh-huh.  What size does the person wear?

            Friend 1: …Average?  Never look at people’s feet, to be honest.

            Friend 2: Maybe keep looking at the shelves there instead.

          Friend 1: Oh all right.  (Keeps touching random objects) I guess a new wallet would be nice, for… (Turns it over to see the price tag) $60?!  Get outta here!  (Tosses the wallet back onto the display)  I wouldn’t spend that much on one gift for my own blood relative, let alone an almost-stranger!

            Friend 2: OK, maybe move on to another section.

          Friend 1: Sure, sure.  (Walks toward the front of the store) Ooh, maybe this pretty little Halloween witch with a poisoned cauldron and a bloody skull!

            Friend 2: I’d say not.  And nothing Halloween – we just got over Labor Day.

           Friend 1: So? It’s fine to get Halloween things now; I only refused to look at this stuff when they were out right after 4^th of July.

            Friend 2: Ugh.  Maybe no holiday-themed items: this is for a birthday, so no double-dipping.

            Friend 1: Guess a Nativity scene’s out, then?

           Friend 2: No holidays!  Or seasons, for that matter – no “Happy Fall” or “Welcome, Winter” or “Come Back, Summer” or “Where Are You, Spring?” or anything else that detracts from the birthday!

            Friend 1: Fine.  Maybe this huge wine glass with streamers and balloons painted on it’ll do.

            Friend 2: Does the person drink alcohol?

            Friend 1: Doesn’t everybody?

            Friend 2: I don’t!

            Friend 1: Oh right, forgot – heh.

            Friend 2: If you’re not certain, then skip it.  What about a mug for coffee or tea?

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they drink coffee or tea.

            Friend 2: You can put anything hot in it!

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they drink anything hot.

            Friend 2: Fine – what about bath stuff?

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they take baths.

            Friend 2: [Grinds teeth]

            Friend 1: (Rifles through bath products on a shelf) Ooh, I can get this bar of goat milk soap; that sounds pretty healthy for the skin, right?

            Friend 2: Are you kidding me?!

            Friend 1: Too cheap?

            Friend 2: You don’t give someone bar soap as a present!  Bubble bath, maybe, but not bar soap!

            Friend 1: Still don’t know if they take baths.

            Friend 2: Fine-fine-fine, no bath stuff.  How about the candle display you raved about earlier?

          Friend 1: Ooh, right, great idea!  (Runs to the other side of the store, using a foot to right a display toppling in the slipstream on the way) Let’s see… (Picks up and puts down several candles before settling on one) Yes!  Nice scent, nice size, nice price, perfect!

            Friend 2: Thank goodness.  Bye.

            Friend 1: Oh wait: I think they have seasonal allergies, so scented candles probably would make it worse.

            Friend 2: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh....

            Friend 1: (Sets the candle back onto the shelf and looks towards the store’s front window) Ooh, they have the lottery here!  I’ll just get some birthday scratch-offs!  (Runs to the front of the store, using a foot to right a customer toppling in the slipstream on the way)

            Friend 2: Ugh, that is such a non-gift!

            Friend 1: (Pauses at the front counter) Eh?

            Friend 2: If the tickets are a bust, it’s as if you didn’t give anything!

            Friend 1: Hm.  (Rummages through the various small items for sale on the counter displays)

            Sales Associate: Could you please stop touching everything?!  We have to disinfect all of it after you leave!

            Friend 1: I’m an indecisive shopper!  (To Friend 2) How about impulse-buy chocolate bars?

            Friend 2: (Wearily) Is the person allergic to chocolate?

            Friend 1: Nah, I distinctively remember them scarfing down brownies at the last work birthday.

            Friend 2: Then please grab some of those, stick a bow on `em, and call it a day.

          Friend 1: Sweet!  (Pays for the bars and is hustled out of the store by the employees and other customers)  Thanks for all your help; I would’ve still been in there, wandering the aisles and weeping, for at least another hour.

            Friend 1: I just can’t believe I got sucked into all that without even realizing it.  I hope this coworker’s worth it.

            Friend 1: Not really: they’re mean to everybody and yell a lot, but you know.  Birthday’s a birthday.