(Romantic
Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 meet cute on a battlefield and mutually disarm each
other)
Romantic
Lead 1: (Lifts up helmet’s visor to reveal a subjectively attractive face)
AHA! So it comes to this: one last,
final combat, ending with me defeating a worthy opponent with my bare hands!
Romantic
Lead 2: (Also lifts up helmet’s visor to reveal a subjectively attractive face)
Not if I defeat you with my bare hands first, oh representative of my people’s
mortal enemies!
Romantic
Lead 1: Ideals are rubbish! I spit on
them! (Dry spits onto the ground)
Romantic
Lead 2: (Gasps) You clearly have no soul!
What do you fight for, then?
Romantic
Lead 1: Money. I never let emotions get
in the way of doing a good job – I’m only in this battle `cause being a
soldier’s the one thing I’m fit for in life, and I’m just following
orders. (Immediately winces)
Romantic
Lead 2: (Also winces, and shakes head) Ooooh, no-no-no-no –
Romantic
Lead 1: Yeah, the moment the words came out of my mouth, I realized – (A nearby
explosion makes them both flinch) Enough of this palaver: on to the death
match!
Romantic
Lead 2: YES! (They race toward each
other and grapple in an extremely well-choreographed melee until Romantic Lead
2 lands astride Romantic Lead 1, poised to deliver a fatal blow) Yield!
Romantic
Lead 1: Never! (Dry spits again, off to
the side)
Romantic
Lead 2: Stop that! You’re ruining an
otherwise suggestive moment.
Romantic
Lead 1: Why would you want me to yield anyway?
Shouldn’t you just be killing me outright, like any regular ol’
soldier’s supposed to do?!
Romantic
Lead 2: I – don’t know…?
Romantic
Lead 1: Or are you suddenly authorized to take prisoners now?
Romantic
Lead 2: Not that I’ve been told.
Soldier
1: But we are.
(Romantic
Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 abruptly notice that they are surrounded by other
soldiers wearing uniforms not matching either of theirs and all pointing
weapons at them)
Romantic
Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2: Who the blazes are you?!
Soldier
1: Opportunists needed for the plot.
Take `em, fellas!
(Romantic
Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are dragged to their feet)
Soldier
2: Should we chain them together or individually?
Soldier
1: Together – it’ll ratchet up the tension.
Soldier
2: What?
Soldier
1: What?
(Romantic
Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are thrown into a dank cell, chained together at the
wrist)
Romantic
Lead 1: (As they sit on the dirty floor, companionably back-to-back) Well, this
is an unfortunate turn of events.
Romantic
Lead 2: Yeah – can’t hate you as much if we’ve now both got someone else to
hate even more.
Romantic
Lead 1: (Sighs heavily) I suppose we’ll have to work together in order to get
out of here, exchanging personal histories and common interests in the process,
thereby earning each other’s trust, respect, and, dare I say it,
admiration. (Turns to Romantic Lead 2
and attempts to stare soulfully at the latter)
Romantic
Lead 2: I guess. (Raises eyebrows with
an idea) OR, we can actually get some sleep until the inevitable prisoner
exchange goes through. (Shifts chain to
lie down and falls asleep immediately)
Romantic
Lead 1: (Stares blankly at Romantic Lead 2 for several seconds) …Yeah, sounds
like a good idea. (Also lies down and
falls asleep immediately)
Soldier
1: (Casually passes by the cell, peeks in, and stomps off, muttering) Dang it,
they’re not even hate-flirting with each other.
(After
a botched prisoner exchange, Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are on the run
still chained to each other – they traverse fields and forests with no real
destination in mind, until the chains finally fall off after months of rust)
Romantic
Lead 2: (As each rub their raw and possibly infected wrists) Wow. We’re finally free of each other.
Romantic
Lead 1: Yes, finally free…. Glad
there’ll be no more of those awkward bathroom breaks, am-I-right?
Romantic
Lead 2: Yeah, could have done without having to figure out those logistics. So, the offer I mentioned some time ago is
still open: you want to join me in my quest to overthrow both of our
corrupt governments and that random third-party that imprisoned us out of
nowhere?
Romantic
Lead 1: (Thinks for a few moments, then shakes head) Nah, sounds like too much
work. I’d rather just go to a tavern,
get some decently cooked food for the first time in almost a year, then go home
and hope I don’t get executed for desertion.
Romantic
Lead 2: You know, I think I like that option better. Mind if I join you?
Romantic
Lead 1: Not in the slightest – after all we’ve been through together, it’d feel
kind of weird us not being by each other’s sides anymore, day in, day out….
Romantic
Lead 2: Same. Isn’t that funny?
(They
laugh gently, then turn to face the gorgeous sunset as non-diegetic music
swells in the background)
Romantic
Lead 2: (Leans toward Romantic Lead 1 while both still stare at the inspirational
view) Not to spoil the moment, but I have to ask: has anyone ever mentioned
that you tend to be a mouth breather?
Romantic
Lead 1: …Yes. Has anyone ever mentioned
that your breath has a strange odor, and not just after certain foods, but all
the time?
Romantic
Lead 2: …Yes. Might be a medical
condition – I never bothered to find out.
Romantic
Lead 1: (Nods) Likewise.
(Both
clamp their mouths shut while watching the Earth rotate away from its star)
(In
a tavern, Romantic Lead 1 and Romantic Lead 2 are served dinner)
Romantic
Lead 1: (As both dig in) On an expository note, that was darned clever of you
to have extra coins sewn under your skin before the battle on the off-chance
you were ever taken prisoner and then escaped with no income to be had for
months on end.
Romantic
Lead 2: Why, thank you. And that was
clever of you to convince our superiors that we spent this entire time spying
for our respective sides so they’d agree not to end us on our return.
Romantic
Lead 1: Why, thank you. It seems we make
a good team, after all.
Romantic
Lead 2: Definitely. (They clank their
steins in a toast and drink, then eat in awkward silence for a few moments)
Romantic
Lead 1: (Brow furrowed in thought) You know, I’ve been thinking –
Romantic
Lead 2: (Gulps down a pepper nervously) Yes?
Romantic
Lead 1: We’ve been through a lot together – and I mean, a lot –
Romantic
Lead 2: (Nods frantically while drinking, then wipes upper lip) Uh-huh, darn
tootin’ we have, what with the battle, and the imprisonment, and being on the
run, and all the adventures we’ve had that are too many to go over now, and the
forced closeness for months, and all the things we’ve learned about each other’s
lives…. (Drinks some more)
Romantic
Lead 1: (Distractedly spins a fork on the table) Yeah… all that tends to lead
inevitably to one thing….
Romantic
Lead 2: (Devours a celery stalk in three bites) Does it?
Romantic
Lead 1: Mm-hmm…. (Looks up at Romantic Lead 2) That’s why, it’s so hard for me
say that, I’m… not in love with you.
Romantic
Lead 2: (Blinks for a beat) Oh thank goodness!
Romantic
Lead 1: What?
Romantic
Lead 2: You said “not”, right?
Romantic
Lead 1: Yeah?
Romantic
Lead 2: Well that’s perfect, because I feel exactly the same way!
Romantic
Lead 1: Wait, so it’s not just me?
You’re not in love with me, too?
Romantic
Lead 2: (Laughs while shaking head) No!
It’s the strangest thing!
Romantic
Lead 1: I know! I mean, for one thing,
you are hot.
Romantic
Lead 2: As are you.
Romantic
Lead 1: And yet, here we are. It boggles
the mind.
Romantic
Lead 2: I tried my best, I really did!
All the signs were pointing that way, with us going the
“enemies-to-friends” route and everything.
Romantic
Lead 1: Exactly! The next logical step clearly
was “-to-lovers”, and I kept waiting and waiting for it to happen, but no
matter how much I forced myself, I just couldn’t get past feelings of…
camaraderie.
Romantic
Lead 2: (Clasps hands in glee) It’s like we’re on the same wavelength in
everything! Oh, this is wonderful!
(They
smile broadly at each other and return to eating comfortably now)
Romantic
Lead 1: I must say, this is certainly a relief – now we can go back home to our
families and friends emotionally unimpeded.
Romantic
Lead 2: Ugh, yes, thankfully; I hate pining.
Something like that would’ve been extra difficult seeing as our two
peoples still are, you know, at never-ending war with each other.
Romantic
Lead 1: Yes, that would have been the exact definition of “star-crossed lovers”:
years of us longing for each other, possibly marrying someone else for societal
convenience, and then maybe crossing paths at some point in the distant future
for one passionate hook-up that’ll have to last us for the rest of our lives,
blech. (Shudders in disgust)
Romantic
Lead 2: (Grimaces in sympathy) Yeah, this way’s much less stressful and
angst-ridden.
(They
eat some more in companionable silence)
Romantic
Lead 1: (Looks up at Romantic Lead 2 in sudden thought) We’ll still write each
other when we part ways though, right?
Romantic
Lead 2: Of course! Who else out there
would put up with us?
Romantic
Lead 1: (As they clasp arms across the table and grin) Buddy!