(Friend 1 and Friend 2 are seated at the kitchen table in Friend 1’s apartment; Friend 2 sips tea while Friend 1 works through a huge pile of mail)
Friend 1: (Ripping open envelopes, glancing briefly at the contents, and tossing them onto the table) – so then I said, “I get that you’re a manager with no actual break times and the expectation that you’re on-call 24/7, but I refuse to accept your being salaried as my problem when you want to stop for a snack at the exact same time I’m scheduled for dinner break, I don’t care if you only need five minutes.”
Friend 2: (Chokes on the tea) You didn’t actually say that, did you?
Friend 1: No, but I was sorely tempted to – I was hangry and it was getting to me. (Opens a square red envelope, takes out and opens a greeting card, and widens eyes in horror) Uh-oh.
Friend 2: What, an eviction notice?
Friend 1: No! Why would you even think that?!
Friend 2: (Slightly picks up one of the tossed-aside letters) Not to be an overly nosy friend, but half of these are bills.
Friend 1: And will be dealt with, all in good time!
Friend 2: Past due.
Friend 1: My time, not theirs! (Holds up the card) It’s a Christmas card from one of my cousins!
Friend 2: Aw, how nice.
Friend 1: No it isn’t, because I completely forgot to send out mine! (Rustles through the remainder of the mail pile and pulls out a bunch of red, green, and white decorative square envelopes) Look at all these! They’re all coming in now, and I have yet to send out a single one! With the month already almost half over! (Tosses the cards back onto the table)
Friend 2: Yeah.
Friend 1: …I missed Hanukkah, didn’t I.
Friend 2: I wasn’t going to bring it up.
Friend 1: Son of a – ! Happy Hanukkah, by the way; I hope you had a nice one.
Friend 2: Thank you; the family says they hope you have a Merry Christmas.
Friend 1: (Grabs an envelope and holds it up) Your folks sent me a card, too! (Also tosses it back onto the table, then grabs another one and holds it up) And here’s yours! (Tosses that back onto the table as well, and rubs face) Is it too late to send out Hanukkah cards for this year, or would that only double-underline my faux pas?
Friend 2: Don’t worry, if you send them out now I promise we won’t return them to sender.
Friend 1: Thanks, you’re a very understanding pal. (Runs hands through the multicolored pile of joyful wishes) Maybe I should just skip this year completely and they’ll all thank me for having to send out one less card going forward, since I’ll be crossed off the ever-growing list.
Friend 2: Maybe they would secretly, but at family functions your name would forever be mud.
Friend 1: You got that right. (Sinks head onto the table)
Friend 2: (Finishes the tea and brings the cup to the sink to wash it) Whelp, I would offer to help in the spirit of the season, but I really don’t feel like spending the rest of my Sunday being your correspondence secretary so I’m going to play the guilt card you handed me earlier and leave you to tackle this on your own.
Friend 1: (Sits up again) Fair enough. As your revel in your freedom this afternoon, think of me and my self-imposed toil.
Friend 2: I’d rather not. (Leaves)
Friend
1: (Stares at the pile of cards, which seems to have grown when no one was
looking) Why do we inflict this chore on ourselves?
ONE
HOUR LATER
(Friend 1 is back at the table having gathered boxed cards, stamps, pens, an address book, and run out to the store for more boxed cards when seeing that the current boxes were almost empty)
Friend
1: (Braces self) Right. Let us begin
with the letter “A”. (Opens the address
book to “A”, brings the book closer to stare at the page, then roughly turns
pages to skim through the names) What – why have I never noticed that a bunch
of these relatives have been dead for years?!... And why has the post office
never told me either?! (Grabs a pen and
starts crossing out names) And great, the rest of these moved so now I need to
call around for new addresses – this is going to take forever!
TWO
HOURS LATER
(Friend 1 is on a roll writing out cards and envelopes)
Friend
1: (Freezes in mid-sealing of an envelope) Wait a minute – is this one still at
the same address as the parents? (Flips
back through the address book to an earlier letter in the alphabet) Yep, and I
gave them all the same card! (Unseals
the envelope and opens the card) Think anyone’ll notice correction tape?
TWO
HOURS LATER
(Friend 1 sits back in the chair and shakes out writer’s-cramped hand)
Friend 1: Done. It’s done at last. They can all be satisfied with our mutual obligation for at least one more year. Now to the easy part. (Grabs a sheet of stamps as the cell phone rings; answers the call after looking at the ID) Hey, what’s up?
Friend 2: (Voice) Just checking on the status of your homework.
Friend 1: (Stamping envelopes absent-mindedly) You’re hilarious. Yes, I have finally reached the end of the address book for all 732 of my relatives, along with a few friends – you and your family and several others are getting generic “Season’s Greetings” cards at this point, by the way.
Friend 2: (Voice) Fine by me. Don’t you love this time of year?
Friend 1: You know, it’s often hard to tell if you’re being sincere or sarcastic. (Suddenly gasps)
Friend 2: (Voice) Oh no, what holiday horror is it now?
Friend 1: I RAN OUT OF STAMPS!
