Showing posts with label Hanukkah cards. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hanukkah cards. Show all posts

Thursday, December 14, 2023

Story 520: Obligatory Card Season

             (Friend 1 and Friend 2 are seated at the kitchen table in Friend 1’s apartment; Friend 2 sips tea while Friend 1 works through a huge pile of mail)

Friend 1: (Ripping open envelopes, glancing briefly at the contents, and tossing them onto the table) – so then I said, “I get that you’re a manager with no actual break times and the expectation that you’re on-call 24/7, but I refuse to accept your being salaried as my problem when you want to stop for a snack at the exact same time I’m scheduled for dinner break, I don’t care if you only need five minutes.”

Friend 2: (Chokes on the tea) You didn’t actually say that, did you?

Friend 1: No, but I was sorely tempted to – I was hangry and it was getting to me.  (Opens a square red envelope, takes out and opens a greeting card, and widens eyes in horror) Uh-oh.

Friend 2: What, an eviction notice?

Friend 1: No!  Why would you even think that?!

Friend 2: (Slightly picks up one of the tossed-aside letters) Not to be an overly nosy friend, but half of these are bills.

Friend 1: And will be dealt with, all in good time!

Friend 2: Past due.

Friend 1: My time, not theirs!  (Holds up the card) It’s a Christmas card from one of my cousins!

Friend 2: Aw, how nice.

Friend 1: No it isn’t, because I completely forgot to send out mine!  (Rustles through the remainder of the mail pile and pulls out a bunch of red, green, and white decorative square envelopes) Look at all these!  They’re all coming in now, and I have yet to send out a single one!  With the month already almost half over!  (Tosses the cards back onto the table)

Friend 2: Yeah.

Friend 1: …I missed Hanukkah, didn’t I.

Friend 2: I wasn’t going to bring it up.

Friend 1: Son of a – !  Happy Hanukkah, by the way; I hope you had a nice one.

Friend 2: Thank you; the family says they hope you have a Merry Christmas.

Friend 1: (Grabs an envelope and holds it up) Your folks sent me a card, too!  (Also tosses it back onto the table, then grabs another one and holds it up) And here’s yours!  (Tosses that back onto the table as well, and rubs face) Is it too late to send out Hanukkah cards for this year, or would that only double-underline my faux pas?

Friend 2: Don’t worry, if you send them out now I promise we won’t return them to sender.

Friend 1: Thanks, you’re a very understanding pal.  (Runs hands through the multicolored pile of joyful wishes) Maybe I should just skip this year completely and they’ll all thank me for having to send out one less card going forward, since I’ll be crossed off the ever-growing list.

Friend 2: Maybe they would secretly, but at family functions your name would forever be mud.

Friend 1: You got that right.  (Sinks head onto the table)

Friend 2: (Finishes the tea and brings the cup to the sink to wash it) Whelp, I would offer to help in the spirit of the season, but I really don’t feel like spending the rest of my Sunday being your correspondence secretary so I’m going to play the guilt card you handed me earlier and leave you to tackle this on your own.

Friend 1: (Sits up again) Fair enough.  As your revel in your freedom this afternoon, think of me and my self-imposed toil.

Friend 2: I’d rather not.  (Leaves)

Friend 1: (Stares at the pile of cards, which seems to have grown when no one was looking) Why do we inflict this chore on ourselves?

ONE HOUR LATER

(Friend 1 is back at the table having gathered boxed cards, stamps, pens, an address book, and run out to the store for more boxed cards when seeing that the current boxes were almost empty)

Friend 1: (Braces self) Right.  Let us begin with the letter “A”.  (Opens the address book to “A”, brings the book closer to stare at the page, then roughly turns pages to skim through the names) What – why have I never noticed that a bunch of these relatives have been dead for years?!... And why has the post office never told me either?!  (Grabs a pen and starts crossing out names) And great, the rest of these moved so now I need to call around for new addresses – this is going to take forever!

TWO HOURS LATER

(Friend 1 is on a roll writing out cards and envelopes)

Friend 1: (Freezes in mid-sealing of an envelope) Wait a minute – is this one still at the same address as the parents?  (Flips back through the address book to an earlier letter in the alphabet) Yep, and I gave them all the same card!  (Unseals the envelope and opens the card) Think anyone’ll notice correction tape?

TWO HOURS LATER

(Friend 1 sits back in the chair and shakes out writer’s-cramped hand)

Friend 1: Done.  It’s done at last.  They can all be satisfied with our mutual obligation for at least one more year.  Now to the easy part.  (Grabs a sheet of stamps as the cell phone rings; answers the call after looking at the ID) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Voice) Just checking on the status of your homework.

Friend 1: (Stamping envelopes absent-mindedly) You’re hilarious.  Yes, I have finally reached the end of the address book for all 732 of my relatives, along with a few friends – you and your family and several others are getting generic “Season’s Greetings” cards at this point, by the way.

Friend 2: (Voice) Fine by me.  Don’t you love this time of year?

Friend 1: You know, it’s often hard to tell if you’re being sincere or sarcastic.  (Suddenly gasps)

Friend 2: (Voice) Oh no, what holiday horror is it now?

Friend 1: I RAN OUT OF STAMPS!

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Story 319: I Lost Track of Which Holiday Cards I Sent


            Friend 1: (Sitting at a kitchen table surrounded by boxes of cards, address labels, stamps, and an address book) So, if I calculated this correctly, I can use just the cards from all these boxes from the past two years and not have to spend a dime on a single new card this year!  (Goes to work writing names, semi-personalized messages, and addresses, then labeling, stamping, and sealing; an hour and a half later) I did it?  All the cards are ready to go, and we didn’t even reach double-digits in the month yet?  My work is done, and this is now the post office’s problem, ahahahahaha!  (Raises arms in victory, then looks around the kitchen) Wait, who am I talking to?

ONE WEEK LATER

            (In a supermarket)
          Friend 1: (Shoving a shopping cart down an aisle) Grumble-grumble-work parties, grumble-grumble-why do I get stuck with cupcakes every year, grumble-grumble-grumble-next time maybe I shouldn’t volunteer to make them, grumble-grumble-grumble-
           Friend 2: (Rounding a corner with a shopping cart and almost crashing into Friend 1) Oh, hey!  How’ve you been?
            Friend 1: Miserable.  How’ve you been?
            Friend 2: Wishing I was home and not here, but you know, food.
            Friend 1: Yeah.  Necessary evil.
            Friend 2: Oh, by the way, thanks for the card!  Happy Hanukkah to you, too!
            Friend 1: Uhhh, thanks?  Did you convert?
         Friend 2: No, I thought you were just getting into the spirit of the season and celebrating everything this year.
            Friend 1: What are you – ohhhh, I sent you the wrong holiday.
           Friend 2: No worries; it makes me appreciate the spiritual side of the season more.  I tend to get too focused on the commercialism of it all, know-what-I-mean?
           Friend 1: No, now I’m mad, I thought I checked who I sending what to, and now this means I probably sent somebody who doesn’t celebrate anything remotely religious a baby Jesus card, and now I’m mad!
          Friend 2: I’m sure everybody’s fine with it – we’re all running around like we’ve lost our minds this time of year anyway, and it’s the thought that counts.
            Friend 1: Not to me, it doesn’t!  I demand accuracy!
            Friend 2: (Sighs and begins to leave) Enjoy your holidays.
            Friend 1: Yeah, you too.

THE NEXT DAY

            Friend 1: (On the phone) Hi, how’s everything?
         Uncle: (On the phone) Oh, same old: back’s acting up again, closed on the house yesterday, haven’t even started shopping –
            Friend 1: That’s great – listen, did you get a card from me yet?
           Uncle: Oh yes, thank you very much for that!  You should get mine before Christmas – I’m a little behind this year, what with the move –
          Friend 1: Quick question: was it an actual Christmas or general yuletide/wintery-themed card you got?
          Uncle: Umm, I think so, let me check.... (Sound of rustling) Yes, it’s got a bunch of animals and snow on it.  Why do you ask?
         Friend 1: Oh good – I had a bit of a mix-up this year and seem to have sent out somewhat mismatching cards to people.
           Uncle: (Chuckles) Oh, that’s fine: you know, it actually matches the card you sent me last year.
           Friend 1: …What?
           Uncle: Yeah, I have everything out while I’m packing up the place, and I’d kept the cards I got last year, and you’d sent me the same nice card then, I love it!
           Friend 1: …WHAT?!

THE NEXT DAY

            Friend 3: (On the phone) Hi, what’s up?
            Friend 1: (On the phone) I’ll be blunt: the card you got from me this year, is it the same as the one I sent you last year, or for a holiday you don’t actually celebrate?
          Friend 3: Oh, heh-heh, you know, I thought it looked familiar.... (Sound of rustling) Yes, I remember that clownish snowball.  Guess you figured it fit my personality, huh?
            Friend 1: [Loudly grinds teeth]

THE NEXT DAY

           Friend 4: (To Friend 1, passing on the street) Hi!  I got your card – Happy Kwanzaa to you, too!  I never celebrated it before, but this made me go out and learn more about it, thanks! 
            Friend 1: Glad to help.

THE NEXT DAY

            Friend 5: (On the phone) Hi!  I got your card – Merry Christmas to you, too!
            Friend 1: Thanks.  I take it this means you didn’t get the Hanukkah card I thought I sent you.
            Friend 5: No, but I figured it was love all, celebrate all!
           Friend 1: That’s it: next year, I’m buying 1,000 copies of the same “Happy Holidays” card and that’s all I’ll send forever and ever.
           Friend 5: We’ll take that, too.  And if you send it by e-mail, you’ll save on postage!
           Friend 1: Where’s the joy and goodwill and holiness of the season in that?!