(In
a department store, Associate 1 is at a counter in front of changing rooms,
folding clothes to reshelve)
Associate
1: (To the clothes) You know, maybe if your folding standard wasn’t so
complicated, more customers would actually put you back on the displays neatly
– just sayin’.
(Associate
2 pushes a cart full of clothes up to the counter)
Associate
2: Hey – when you’re done there can you give me a hand with these? I’ve got two more carts’ worth waiting, and
I’ve already seen customers in Swimwear going to town on the new shipment of rash
guards. (Stares at the mountain in the
cart) Makes you wonder what’s the point of it all.
Associate
1: (Slides the pile of clothes on the counter over) If you want to put them
here we can pull from that.
Associate
2: Sweet – thanks. (Grabs an unwieldy
bunch of clothes and dumps it on the counter; the two Associates fold and sort
as they go)
Associate
1: (After a few moments of companionable silence) You know what I realized when
I clocked in for work this afternoon?
Associate
2: What, that we’re definitely not getting raises this year?
Associate
1: I’d usually agree, but we’re lucky we’re getting paid this year.
Associate
2: True – continue.
Associate
1: Yeah, so when I clocked in, I realized that I started working here exactly
10 years ago today.
Associate
2: Aw, congratulations! Too bad they
stopped doing the anniversary parties and handing out the commemorative pins
and giving the extra days off and –
Associate
1: I’m trying really hard not to think about all that.
Associate
2: Sorry.
Associate
1: Anyway, my main takeaway is this: after 10 years, I don’t care that I’ve
never been promoted, or had much of a salary increase, or that the work is
meaningless outside of itself. My one
regret is that, in all this time, I have yet to have a workplace romance.
Associate
2: Really? What about the one in Lingerie,
around… (Looks up to remember) two years ago?
Associate
1: That was just a casual flirtation: we only acted that way because we had an
unspoken agreement that it would go absolutely nowhere. And it was four years ago.
Associate
2: Oh. Oh right, that was around when
the break room caught on fire, and now we can’t bring in our own hot plates.
Associate
1: Yes, good times.
Associate
2: OK, so that doesn’t count – no one serious ever, then? Guess that’s a good thing: makes it complicated
and uncomfortable when you see them here all the time while you’re supposed to
be working, and then when you break up?
`Cause you just know you’ll break up.
Associate
1: I know, but I still feel like I’m missing out on a vital part of the whole
retail work experience. I need something
to look forward to coming here every day that isn’t – (Gestures to the growing
piles of unfolded clothes that customers steadily have been adding to) getting
all these folded and put away in an orderly manner. I need emotional fulfillment in my life!
Associate
2: OK, but you know you’re not my type.
Associate
1: Ew, I wasn’t angling for you – not that you’re not cool – but that
would be awkward and you know too much about me, so it wouldn’t be exciting.
Associate
2: That I do.
Associate
1: No, I’m going for the gold here: I don’t want just any old hook-up or fling
– I want a love triangle.
Associate
2: Ha! Now you’re getting greedy – you
haven’t even got one person, and now you want two? Weirdo.
Associate
1: Exactly! I want it all! I want the drama! I want the tender explosive passion! I want two separate people constantly telling
me how wonderful I am while we’re stuck at the cash register processing dubious
returns!
Associate
2: Sure, I can see how that’d pass the time.
Got anyone in mind?
Associate
1: The night security guard and the assistant supervisor in Electronics.
Associate
2: That was fast – so they’ve been giving you the winking eyes and the waggling
eyebrows, eh?
Associate
1: I have no idea; I just want to be in a love triangle with them.
Associate
2: Oh. So, do you like them? As in, middle-school-crush like?
Associate
1: They’re all right, I guess. Suppose
they wouldn’t break any mirrors, but they also wouldn’t win any beauty
contests, if you catch my drift.
Associate
2: Wait a minute, do you even know them?
Associate
1: Sure I do, they’re the night security guard and the assistant supervisor in
Electronics!
Associate
2: I heard you the first time, but do you know anything about them besides their
job titles? Do you know anything about
their personal lives? Whether
they go around secretly kidnapping kittens or stealing grapes at the
supermarket, for instance?
Associate
1: Who cares about all that? This is a
workplace romance!
Associate
2: Let me know how that turns out.
ONE WEEK LATER
(Associate
1 is organizing clothes on a display when the night security guard approaches)
Security
Guard: Hey, everything going all right in your department?
Associate
1: (Leans sideways on the display and bats eyelashes) Oh, most definitely –
thank you so much for always asking!
You’re so thoughtful and protective of me. (Bats some more)
Security
Guard: Yeah, just making my rounds. See
you later. (Leaves)
Associate
1: I’ll be here! Oh wait, I clock out in
half an hour, drat.
Associate
2: (Approaches with a cart full of clothes) Still laying the groundwork for
your “triangle”?
Associate
1: What do you mean? Didn’t you sense
the mind-blowing suppressed passion of our forbidden love?!
Associate
2: No.
Associate
1: (Tsks) I’ll just have to demonstrate more clearly with my other other
half. (Pulls Associate 2 over to
Electronics and spots the assistant supervisor at the counter) Here – now
you’ll see the ultimate power of volcanic jealously fueled by the raging
hormones of love!
Associate
2: Ummm….
Associate
1: (To Assistant Supervisor) Yoo-hoo!
Assistant
Supervisor: Oh, hey – need help with something?
Associate
1: (Leans sideways on the counter, elbow slipping off the edge) Just checking
on how your day is going? (Bats
eyelashes)
Assistant
Supervisor: Oh, not too bad; how’re you two’s day’s going? (Nods at Associates 1 and 2)
Associate
2: Well, I’ve got a ton of –
Associate
1: (Leans over, blocking Associate 2) Oh, the usual – the security guard came
by just now to make sure I was all right.
Assistant
Supervisor: Oh yeah, me too, about five minutes ago. Speaking of which, I think we’ve got another
regular shoplifter here – might just be in this department, but anything
missing in yours lately?
Associate
1: (Throws back head and shakes hair) AHAHAHAHA!!!! (Clears throat and fiddles with a chipped
part of the countertop) Always.
Assistant
Supervisor: Gee, that’s too bad. (Sees a
customer waiting nearby) Whelp, nice chatting with you two – excuse me. (Leaves the counter and walks with the
customer to the next aisle over)
Associate
1: (Stares intensely at Associate 2) See?!
Associate
2: What?
Associate
1: The volcanic jealousy!
Associate
2: Wow.
Associate
1: Exactly! When I mentioned my other
lover –
Associate
2: Ugh.
Associate
1: – You could see how this one could barely be restrained, the violence
ever-threatening to burst out and tear the rival apart!
Associate
2: If you say so.
Associate
1: I have been in such a turmoil of emotions every time I come to work
now! I have given my heart completely to
both of them, so how can they ask me to choose just one?!
Associate
2: How can you give your heart completely, twice?
Associate
1: (Collapses backward across the counter) All these overwhelming
feelings! The all-consuming love I have
for them! The all-consuming love they
have for me! The all-consuming hatred
they have for each other! How wonderful
life is!
Associate
2: Glad to see you’re finally getting some enjoyment out of working here.
Associate
1: (Stands back up straight) I know, right?
