Story 449: Diagnosis Massage

             (In a massage room at a spa, Client is lying face-down on the table and covered with lots of blankets when Massage Therapist enters carrying a stack of forms)

Massage Therapist: Hel-whoa, you’re already disrobed and in position, OK.  (Closes the door)

Client: (Props up self on one hand while preserving modesty with the blankets) Yeah, I don’t waste any time.  Nice to meet you, by the way.

Massage Therapist: Likewise.  (Scans through the forms) So, you marked off here that you have pain in your back, arms, legs, hands, feet, and head, and you’re basically a big ol’ mess, is that correct?

Client: Well, actually it’s just sometimes I get twinges here and there, like when I run up against a wall or table or something, you know, no big deal.

Massage Therapist: So, you’re not in constant body-wide pain as this form seems to be saying?

Client: (Laughs) Good heavens, no; you think I’d be here if I was?

Massage Therapist: This is a medical spa, so yes.

Client: Oh.  Someone just gave me a gift certificate for here, and I never get massages but since this was free I was like, “Sure.”

Massage Therapist: Mm-hm.  (Uses a pen to cross out the entire page) That should be it – normally I’d step out for a few minutes to give you a chance to strip, but since that’s a moot point we’ll get started.  (Turns down the lights and turns up the ambient music) Now, please lie on your back as I start on your head and throat.

Client: (Lies on back) Oh yay, here we go!

(Massage Therapist works on Client’s scalp and neck for a few minutes, then suddenly stops)

Massage Therapist: Do you have sleep apnea?

Client: (Wakes from a semi-doze) Huh?  Sleep what? 

Massage Therapist: You stop breathing when you sleep?

Client: Ummmm, I have no idea… although I do know that I’m quite the snorer.

Massage Therapist: (Continues massage) Mm.  You might want to get a referral for a sleep study.

Client: Oh.  How do you know?

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously, while rubbing Client’s shoulders) There are signs….

Client: Oh.  Good to know, I guess.

(Massage Therapist moves on to Client’s arms and legs, slowing down around the left elbow)

Massage Therapist: Hmmmm….

Client: What?

Massage Therapist: You ever break this arm?

Client: What?!  No!

Massage Therapist: (Placing slight pressure on the ulna closer to the elbow) You sure about that?

Client: Yes!  Well, I mean, I banged it up pretty bad once –

Massage Therapist: (Still feeling around the elbow) About three years ago?

Client: (Thinks) Maybe?  Years are starting to turn into days for me, if you know what I mean.  But I never full-out broke it, I’d’ve known about it!

Massage Therapist: Mm.  (Puts the arm under the blankets and moves on to the left leg) Yeah, it was full-out broken and it surprisingly healed basically straight, but you now have rampant arthritis there and you’ll know whenever it’s going to rain or snow for the rest of your life.

Client: (Lifts up arm to stare at it) But it feels fine!  Ish.  It does get a bit funny when the weather’s bad, now that you mention it.  (Stares closer at the elbow) Is that what that lump is?!

Massage Therapist: (Gently lowers the arm back under the blankets) Ssshhh – all will be well.  It’s just that joint replacement may be in your future, that’s all.

Client: <Whimpers>

(Massage Therapist finishes the right arm and the legs and moves on to the feet)

Massage Therapist: Hard to find shoes in your size, is it?

Client: (Lifts head slightly off the table) Yes!  Apparently, small feet don’t exist so I either have to get kids’ sizes or wear extra socks!  (Lowers head back down, then raises it again) Why do you ask?

Massage Therapist: You’re on your way to needing orthotics since your feet are all messed up.

Client: (Drops head back down) Arggghhh....

Massage Therapist: Nothing to be ashamed of – your feet just are a bit wee.

Client: I’m not ashamed, I’m annoyed!

Massage Therapist: (Focuses on the right foot) You used to play soccer, yes?

Client: (Suspiciously) Yessss...?  How – ?

Massage Therapist: You have a footballer’s foot.  Right dominant?

Client: Yesss…?  How – ?

Massage Therapist: Right wear-and-tear.  (Finishes the feet and dries off the oil with hot towels)

Client: Ooh, nice and warm.

Massage Therapist: Yep, these get off the excess gunk I just slathered all over you.  (Slightly lifts up the blankets and turns away) Flip over and stick your face in the hole, please.  (Client flips over and sticks face through the padded hole at the head of the bed; Massage Therapist works on Client’s back, focusing on the shoulders) Hmmm….

Client: Oh no, what is it now?

Massage Therapist: You have to deal with an unreasonable landlord and noisy neighbors a lot?

Client: (Tries to sit up but is stuck) How on Earth did you know that?!

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously, rubbing the back firmly but soothingly) There are signs….

Client: Odd spot for them to be.

(After the session is completed, Massage Therapist leaves the room for Client to get dressed, returning after a few minutes with a cup of water)

Client: (Hands over a tip while accepting the water) Thanks.  (Drinks quickly)

Massage Therapist: (Pockets the tip serenely) My pleasure.  By the way, I didn’t want to bring this up while you were relaxing toward the end there, but you might want to stop procrastinating and reconcile with your parents before it’s too late.

Client: (Nearly spits out the water) OK, how could you possibly be able to tell any of that from just kneading my muscles?!

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously) There are signs….

Client: In what?!  My pinky?!  My bicep?!  My hamstring?!  (Gasps) My hair?!

Massage Therapist: (Shifts to a casual stance) OK, full disclosure?

Client: Please.

Massage Therapist: I used to be a fortune teller at a traveling carnival.

Client: Ohhhh….

Massage Therapist: Yeah – I switched over to this because the customers complained a lot.  No one really likes hearing the full truth about themselves, you ever notice that?

Story 273: Wait, You Don’t Want to Hear My Life Story?!

            Hairdresser: So, what’ll it be today?

            Client: I was thinking a few inches, you know, up to here.

            Hairdresser: The usual, then.  (Starts snipping away) So, how’re the kids?

           Client: Oh, they’re great – the oldest made the basketball team this year, and – (Goes on for 20 minutes) Anyway, after all that happened, I’m seriously considering sending that one to military school.

            Hairdresser: Uh-huh.

            Client: Yeah.  Speaking of –

            Hairdresser: All done!  (Flourishes cape off Client)

            Client: Oh.  Thanks.  Looks good.  (Stands and hands over a tip)

            Hairdresser: Thank you, have a great day, come back soon, byyyyyyeeeee!  (Moves on to the next client at the washing station)

            Client: (On the way to the cash register) I didn’t get to finish my story….

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            Dentist: I see you just need a cleaning today?

          Patient: (All set up in the chair and wearing the bib) Well, maybe.  You see, Doc, my gums have been a bit inflamed lately – you think it might be the gingivitis we’ve always feared?

           Dentist: We’ll find out!  Open up.  (Patient opens mouth as Dentist explores with mirror and scraper) Oh yeah, you’ve got quite a few things going on: we’ll be here awhile.  (Unravels array of implements on a tray)

            Patient: [Gurgle]

         Dentist: (Props open Patient’s mouth, inserts the saliva ejector, and goes to work) So, everything going well with you since your last visit?

            Patient: Wauh, ah –

            Dentist: Ooh, that’s a nice little cavity we’ve got here!

            Patient: Aughua?!

           Dentist: Heh-heh, save that one for later – let’s see what else we can find first.  So, how’ve you been doing with the snow this week?

            Patient: Ehoua –

Dentist: (Begins drilling) Yeah, every day I had to clean off my car and shovel out the entire driveway – by myself, mind you – and then it took me forever just to get here what with the way the streets are plowed – do they even sand the roads anymore?  (Thirty minutes later) I mean what are we paying taxes for, am-I-right?

Patient: Umf-uh.

Dentist: (Turns off tools) Well, all done, good as new, don’t eat anything for at least an hour, see you in six months!  (Raises chair, removes equipment and bib, and dashes to the next patient, as the rest of the day now is just so far behind)

Patient: (Sits in the chair for a few moments, holding tender jaw) They sand by me.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

Cashier: Hello, did you find everything you needed today?  (Begins scanning items)

Customer: No, but too late now: I’m not going back out there.

Cashier: Heh-heh.  (Scans faster)

Customer: I mean, no matter where I go, there’re like a billion people everywhere, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I mean, where did all these people come from, you know?

Cashier: …From other people?

Customer: HA!  Good one.  I mean, I just feel like I spend my entire life waiting on line, and all I want is new clothes and shoes every day.  Life just isn’t fair, right?

Cashier: Yeah.  (Begins bagging while scanning)

Customer: I mean, I’m a good person, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I don’t deserve to be stuck in traffic all the time on my way to the mall, or to be written up at work for being “disruptive,” whatever that means, just because I regularly make a few personal phone calls in the office, or to have my so-called friends stab me in the back just because I was being honest and told them that they’re horrible demons, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I mean –

Cashier: Sorry, do you have a rewards card with us?

Customer: Oh.  Yeah, here.  (Hands over card)

Cashier: (After swiping) That’ll be $600.23.

Customer: (Hands over credit card) These prices, I tell you, everything’s gotten so expensive you can’t even treat yourself to a little somethin’-somethin’ anymore –

Cashier: (Hands cards and 20 bags of merchandise over to the Customer) Thank you, have a good night, next!

Customer: (Expertly carries bags and leaves the store) And I didn’t even get started on my views of the tax system.

Story 245: Behavior Modification, LLC

            (The Representative looks up and smiles as the Client is shown into the office)

            Representative: Welcome!  Please have a seat.

            Client: Thanks.  (Sits and begins biting nails)

          Representative: So, what can we assist you with today?  (Glances at the nail-biting) Self-control, perhaps?

            Client: Hm?  Oh, I guess.  (Stops biting) Actually, I suddenly realized recently that I curse a lot, and I mean a lot, and not in a good way.

            Representative: There’s a good way?

       Client: Yeah, I mean, nobody really cares about ----, ----, ----, or even ------ ------ (Representative’s smile is now frozen), but my problem is that I, whatchamacallit… blaspheme?  I think that’s the word.

            Representative: Oh, we say “G ---- it” a little too much, do we?

          Client: Not especially, but it does slip out every now and then.  No, the one I want to stop saying completely is “Jesus Christ.”

            Representative: I see.  I assume you mean that you’re saying it in a non-prayerful manner.

            Client: Exactly.  I don’t know if it’s that the syllables flow together so nicely, or if it really did start out as a prayer asking why everything is so wretched, but for me it’s gotten way out of hand.  I can’t stop saying it, and I think it’s making Him extremely disappointed in me.

          Representative: Right.  Here’s what we’re going to do.  (Pulls a device from out of a desk drawer, pushes a few buttons, and hands it to the Client) This is a recorder: carry it with you wherever you go for a week, then come back here and we’ll review the results and form an action plan.

            Client: (Stares at the device) So, what, I have to turn it on every time I think I’m gonna say it?

           Representative: Nope – it’s always on, I just set it to retain the recording for 10 seconds before and after you say the key phrase.

            Client: You mean “Je – ”?

            Representative: Don’t set it off just yet, you'll skew the results.  It’ll send me a log throughout the week, so I’ll have everything ready by the time you come back – barring any “events” on the ride over here that morning.

            Client: OK… thanks.  (Pockets the device and stands to leave) When you say that it’s always on, you mean it’s listening to everything, all the time?

            Representative: It sure is!  But don’t worry, it’s nothing your own cell phone’s not doing right now.  (Client sharply looks down at pants pockets) Just maybe hold off on discussing any state secrets for a week, eh, heh-heh-heh?

            Client: Right… hold off on those…. (Leaves, looking disturbed)

            Representative: Oh dear.

ONE WEEK LATER

            (The Representative looks up and smiles as the Client is shown into the office)

            Representative: Welcome again!  Please have a seat.

            Client: Thanks.  (Takes device out of pocket and gingerly sets it on the desk)

            Representative: So.  We’ve had an eventful week.

            Client: (Speaks around biting nail) Was it that bad?

            Representative: I’ll play you some of the highlights.  (Selects a few sound files on the desktop computer and plays them)

         Client’s Voice: (On computer speakers; car horns are blaring in the background) Are you kidding me?!  That’s why we’ve been crawling for the past five miles – to watch someone change a tire?!  Jesus Christ, I hate people!

            Client: (Sheepishly) Rush hour.

            Representative: Understandable.  (Selects another file)

           Client’s Voice: (On computer speakers; a phone rings) Ugh, this guy again.  Hello, this is – I told you 10 minutes ago, this is a business, not a residence, the electric bills are done at Corporate, go scam them!  (Sound of a slammed receiver) Jesus Christ, if they call me one more time – (Phone rings) Son of a -----!

            Client: Yeah, telemarketers.  Bad enough you get `em at home, am-I-right?

           Representative: Yes, it’s very odd when they call at work; I had one the other day call here asking if I wanted my kitchen floor tiled.  (Selects another file)

           Different Voice: – and don’t think I don’t see you sneaking around spying on everyone when you claim you need to go to another department for a minute; you’re really angling to take everybody’s job!

           Client’s Voice: It’s called “Talking to people in person so I can get my work done,” Jesus ------- Christ!  (Client and Representative wince) I’m tired of you always saying stuff like this; maybe you’re sneaking around spying on everyone when you should be doing your job!

            Client: Yeah, that one was really bad.

            Representative: Uh-huh.  (Closes files) There are more than 100 instances here –

            Client: Whoa, that many?  I don’t even remember half of them, isn’t that awful?

           Representative: – but here’s my recommended course of action: Word Substitution.

            Client: Huh?

           Representative: It works for all my potty-mouthed clients: we find a word or phrase with the same number of syllables and similar inflections, bonus if there are similar sounds, and voilà!  Replacement non-curse cursing.

            Client: I guess I can try it out.  What’ve you got?

            Representative: (Whips out a list) A favorite among preschool teachers is “Cheese and Rice.”

        Client: (Mouths this while thinking) I dunno, I think it kind of makes me sound like a preschooler.

            Representative: All right, how about “Jeans and Lice”?

            Client: Um, ew?

            Representative: OK, “Seamus Geist”?

            Client: Hm, international.  Any others?

            Representative: “Jeans and Rice.”

            Client: That’s just combining two of the others.

            Representative: Yes it is.

            Client: I’ll have to think these over.

           Representative: Sure, take the whole list, makes no difference to me what you pick.  (Hands over list) Let us know how you do, and please pay this at the front desk. (Hands over bill)

            Client: (Eyes widen at the amount; looks up at the Representative) Jeeeeeee-ans and Geist!

            Representative: You see?  Worth every penny.