Story 634: Work Is a Distraction for a Workout

             (At a gym, Client enters in a hurry and still dressed in business casual)

Trainer: (Trots over from lounging against the front desk) Hi there!  Thanks so much for coming back.

Client: (Rushed) Yeah, listen, I only came in because I wanted to tell you in-person instead of leaving a phone message: sorry to gym-break-up with you like this, but it’s not you, it’s me.

Trainer: I know.

Client: No, I mean – what, you do?

Trainer: Totally: we never take anything personally in this line of work.  Success or failure is entirely up to you.  (Points to Client in emphasis)

Client: Oh.  OK, then you know that I’m leaving the gym because I just can’t get through the workouts and I’ve hit the wall and peaked long ago and will never get any better than I was at the beginning, right?

Trainer: Yes.

Client: Oh.  Guess we agree on my complete and utter inadequacy, then.  (Turns to leave, stifling a sob)

Trainer: Not so fast!  (Gently turns Client back around and steers the latter through the main training area, past others working with all sorts of equipment) Usually I’d let a client with your views go on your merry little way and focus on the ones here who are actually serious about their commitment to health BUT – (As Client opens mouth to object) I know that you’re a special case.

Client: (Borderline sarcastic) Oh, really?

Trainer: Of course!  And in the spirit of Memorial Day Weekend AND Military Appreciation Month, I’m not going to give up when I know you still have the potential to be all that you can be!

Client: I don’t know – (Briefly holds up a not-very-toned arm) I doubt I could serve our country with this.

Trainer: Not with that attitude!  At any rate: I observe all my clients closely, and you, my friend – (Points at Client again in emphasis) have a head problem.

Client: As in…?

Trainer: You’re stuck in it.  Most people here like having something else to focus on that isn’t work, or family, or their work family, or their lack of real friends, or what-have-you, so having to do a hundred reps of bicep curls or flipping ginormous tires or lunging until their legs turn to jelly tends to block out all that other stuff for a blissful hour or two.  You – (Pokes Client on the shoulder)

Client: Ow.

Trainer: – sorry – have the opposite situation going on.  You’re too focused on the bicep curling and the tire flipping and the leg lunging that you can’t relax.

Client: (Looks around the gym at everyone else lifting, running, squatting, lunging, pulling, and pushing) “Relax”?!

Trainer: Let me put it another way: you’re too focused on how not well you’re doing in the workouts that all you can see is the failure and not the progress.  So, I took the liberty of calling in an… assistant trainer, if you will.

(They stop at an exercise bench where someone else has been waiting)

Assistant: (Waves at Client) Hi!  Nice to see you!

Client: (Blinks at Assistant, then turns to Trainer) Are you telling me that you hired the VP’s administrative assistant from where I work to be a trainer here?!

Trainer: I sure did!  Am.

Client: (To Assistant) So you work here now, too?

Assistant: Sort of: they hired me as a per diem contractor.

Client: For what?

Assistant: To motivate you during workouts!

Client: What?!

Trainer: I know, isn’t it brilliant?  I wonder why no one’s thought of it before?

Client: No, I don’t think either one of you is getting it: I’m listening to all the “Keep going!”s and the “You got this!”s and the “Just 50 more!”s and the “You’re getting stronger with every rep!”s, but at this point they’re only underlining how not well I’m doing, at all.

Trainer: So – (Gestures to Assistant) we hired the Admin here to provide a different kind of motivation: work.

Client: Huh?

Assistant: I’m supposed to keep you distracted with all the projects and deadlines you have waiting for you back at the office, so that way you won’t even notice you’ve gotten through the session until it’s over!

Trainer: Brilliant, I say!

Client: That – I – I don’t know….

Trainer: C’mon, what do you have to lose by trying?

Client: Another month’s membership fee.

Trainer: Not to worry on that end; since this was my idea, you’re not being charged for this session if it doesn’t work.

Client: What, it’ll come out of your paycheck or something?

Trainer: Pretty much, yeah.

Client: Well, now I’ll feel guilty if I still don’t want to come back after today –

Assistant: Do it or I’ll tell the VP you’re an indecisive slacker right before your annual performance review!

(Client runs to the changing room)

Trainer: Oh, you’re good.

Assistant: Thank you – years of experience.

(At the exercise bench, Client is now in gym clothes and lying down, ready to lift)

Trainer: So, where did we leave off last time?

Client: (Embarrassed) Between 70 and 80 pounds.

Trainer: Good – we’re going for 100 now.  (Adds weights onto the bar and lifts it into Client’s hands)

Client: (Straining to hold up the weight as Trainer spots) Um, I don’t know, I’m probably going to drop the bar on myself –

Assistant: (Leans down next to Client’s head) Speaking of bars, did you finish those graphs for this week’s budget meeting yet?

Client: (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up) Uh, not yet – (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up) still waiting for more data – (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up)

Assistant: (Taking notes on a large pad and nodding) Um-hm: how many departments still haven’t gotten back to you?

Client: (Expels a big breath while lifting) Uhhhhhh, I don’t know exactly – (Lowers and lifts) I think a few – (Lowers and lifts) are flat-out ignoring me now – (Lowers and lifts) I’ll have to start calling them – (Lowers and lifts) or showing up at their desks – (Lowers and lifts) it’s really annoying (Lowers and lifts with a grunt)

Trainer: That’s enough.  (Takes the bar and puts it back on the rack) You just beat your personal record there, congrats!   (Wipes down the equipment)

Client: (Slowly sits up while rubbing sore hands) Huh.  I suppose I did.

Trainer: Let’s try the treadmill next, yeah?

Client: (Stands) Maybe leg lifts next instead?

Trainer: Nope!  I want some cardio in there now that you’re all warmed up!

Client: (As all three walk to a treadmill) But my stamina stinks.

Trainer: We’ll see about that!  Up you go!

(Client steps onto the treadmill; Trainer sets it to a 10% incline and 5 mph speed)

Client: That fast?!  And high?!

Trainer: Time to be bold!  (Starts the machine)

Client: (Starts running and is immediately almost of out of breath) I dunno – maybe a little slower –

Assistant: (Slides in front of Trainer, still writing notes) Take me through the presentation you have so far.

Client: Oh – uh – well – our fiscal year’s – pretty good – so far – under budget – in most areas – we’ll need to cut back – on expenses – in – (To Trainer who is watching a timer) Can I – take a – quick break?

Assistant: Cut back on what expenses?  You just said we’re under budget.

Client: Yeah – in some areas – but not others – those are over –

Assistant: Give me a list of what needs to be cut, then.

Client: Well – (Goes on for 10 minutes)

Trainer: (Stops the timer) Aaaaaand, time!  (Stops the treadmill) Well done, you!  I don’t think you’ve ever gone that long before.

Client: (Collapses sweating and gasping over the machine) I – haven’t?

Trainer: Nope!  And it was literally uphill all the way!

Client: (Starts to slump) Ohhhhh….

Trainer: Right: medicine ball time!

(Trainer drags Client to an open area on the floor as Assistant follows; the two then do sit-ups while throwing a medicine ball to each other)

Assistant: (Crouched next to Client and still taking notes while following with each sit-up) Have you called the vendors yet and told them that our invoicing process is changing?

Client: Not yet – (Sits up and throws) Corporate still hasn’t made it “official” so I can’t – (Catches the ball and lies back down) it’ll probably be next week though – (Sits up and throws) I have a mass e-mail ready to send – (Catches the ball and lies back down, and stays down) I don’t think I can get up again.

Assistant: (Glances over at Trainer who mouths “Twenty more”, then addresses Client again) Well, that really should be done this week, since invoices for the month will go out on Tuesday after the holiday.

Client: (Suddenly sits up and throws) Yeah, and no one actually pays on the day they get the invoice – (Catches the ball and lies back down) so they’ll still get the notice before they have to pay – (Sits up and throws) and it’ll be fresher in their minds if I send it next week.  (Catches and lies back down)

Assistant: (As the other two continue faster and faster) But, it’s best practice, not to mention common courtesy, to send the notice before they receive the invoices, because you just know they’re going to get confused if you send it after, and you just know that someone will pay that same day the one time you don’t want them to, and then we’ll all be up the creek when it was a completely avoidable situation –

Client: (Sitting up, lying down, throwing, and catching even faster) All right – all right – I’ll ask – first thing – tomorrow and – get approval – to send it out – by that afternoon – or Friday – the latest – OK?!

Trainer: (Catches a fastball and raises an arm in triumph) Done!

Client: (Collapses back down on the mat) I certainly am.

Trainer: (Stands with Assistant for them both to look down at Client) Well, I think this experiment went exceptionally well, don’t you agree?

Client: (Breathlessly) Oh yeah – I’m certainly not – stressing about – the workouts – anymore –

Trainer: Perfect!  See you at our usual time on Thursday then, yeah?  (Walks away, tossing the medicine ball into the air and whistling in glee)

Assistant: (Down at Client) See you in the office tomorrow, yeah?  (Walks away, taking notes in glee)

Client: (Still on the floor) Great – now I’ll always – be thinking – about work –

Story 623: Doctor vs. Patient

            (In a hospital procedural suite, Patient lies propped up in a stretcher while wearing a hospital gown, non-slip socks, and a ready-to-go IV port in one arm, and glares at a clock on the wall while tapping fingers on a side railing when Doctor 1 suddenly zips around the corner)

Doctor 1: (Carrying a tablet) Heyyyyyyy – sorry I’m running a little late this morning –office called me with a last-minute appointment that I had work into today’s schedule over the phone – everyone wants everything – you know how it is….  (Starts typing on the tablet)

Patient: (Stops tapping and stares at Doctor 1) You didn’t get up extra early and wound up stuck in the snow and ice like the rest of us this morning – you don’t have to lie to me.

Doctor 1: Heh-heh-heh.  (In a low voice without looking up) Appreciate it if you didn’t mention that to anyone else.  (Hands over the tablet) Sign at the bottom, please.

Patient: (Speed reads the digital forms) What is this now?  I thought I already signed everything on the portal?

Doctor 1: Almost: it’s a procedural consent.

Patient: (Looks up at Doctor 1) I signed 15 of those yesterday.

Doctor 1: Not this one.

Patient: (Sighs and signs with an index finger) I would say that my presence here, inadequately clothed at a pre-dawn hour, would have made it abundantly clear that I consent to this procedure, but I know how these things go.  (Hands back the tablet) Here.  Can we get this necessary invasion of my body orifice over with now, please?

Doctor 1: (Types on the tablet) Almost…. You finished the prep last night and are all clear now, correct?

Patient: Oh, I’d better be – that’s an experience I’ll never forget, or forgive.  The scope you’re using had better show that I’m all clear at this point, for I have nothing left to give.  (Shudders at the memory)

Doctor 1: (Still reading through forms on the tablet) Uh-huh, uh-huh.  (Furrows a brow, then looks at Patient) Has the anesthesiologist been by yet?

Patient: No, just everyone else who works here, and you.  Why?

Doctor 1: Need to sign a consent for that, too.

Patient: (Momentarily lets head fall back onto the pillow dramatically) Argh, just digitally rubber-stamp my signature on whatever forms that say you all can do whatever needs to be done to my helpless body, and let’s get on with it!  I have places to go, food to eat, and naps to take!

Nurse: (Maneuvers between Doctor 1 and the stretcher to check the IV port on Patient’s arm) Anesthesiologist called earlier and is on the way; got stuck with an emergency in the O.R.

Patient: HA!  That would be last shift’s problem – bet it was snow and ice again.  I’m not ashamed to admit it, so I don’t see why everyone else is.

(Doctor 2 suddenly zips around the corner while peering closely at a tablet, stops, and looks up at Patient; both freeze on seeing each other)

Doctor 2: You?!

Patient: You!?

Doctor 1: (Points back-and-forth at both) You… two know each other?

Patient: You can say that again!  (Gestures at Doctor 2) I’ve been that one’s accountant for ages!

Doctor 2: Ex-accountant!  I fired you years ago!

Patient: And you still never sent anything in writing about it, so our financial divorce was never official!

Doctor 2: Is that why your name is still all over my paperwork?

Patient: Oh yeah!  And you owe me years of fees, years!

Doctor 2: Nothing doing!  You lost me money every tax season, and I got audited five times!

Patient: What do you expect when your records are a disaster?!  For the longest time I thought you were trying to pull a fast one, but I finally realized that you’re just a mess, an absolute mess!

Doctor 2: Well, maybe it all wouldn’t have been such a mess if I’d had an advisor who knew what they were doing!

Patient: (On an intake of breath) How dare you!

Doctor 2: (Suddenly turns to Doctor 1) Doctor, I would like to recuse myself from this procedure today, please.

Patient: Yes, please!  I can’t believe I completely forgot after all these years that you claimed to work here!

Doctor 2: I do work here!

Patient: …That goes without saying!  (To Doctor 1) So, I want a new anesthesiologist, ASAP!

Doctor 1: What – no – we can’t, this is the only anesthesiologist working up here today, and I’m already behind schedule!

Patient: Just grab the other anesthesiologist hovering somewhere else in the building, then – I’ll wait.

Doctor 2: Other one’s in the middle of a bilateral knee replacement in the O.R., and that’ll take hours.

Patient: HA!  No wait, I believe that one.

Doctor 1: Well, I can’t wait until that’s all done down there: I’ve got 23 other procedures up here today, and then I’ve gotta get back to the office to see patients there until who-knows-when tonight!  It never stops and I never get any rest!

Doctor 2: Don’t talk to me about never getting any rest: my shifts start before the Sun rises and supposedly end in the afternoon, but with all the paperwork and the emergencies and the last-minute add-on cases I’m lucky I get out of here before meeting myself the next day!

Patient: Excuse me!  (Everyone turns to Patient) I scheduled this in the middle of tax season because I was told – (Glares at Doctor 1) that it was so important and had to be done, but at this time of year I’m working with and without the Sun for months on end so don’t come crying to me!

Doctor 1: We don’t have a season!  Healthcare is 24/7!

Patient: Sounds like a “you” problem!  I still want a replacement for this deadbeat putting me in a temporary coma!

Doctor 2: If I’m a deadbeat, then where’d all my income go, hm?!

Patient: I don’t know, check wherever you bury all your other worldly goods!

Doctor 2: Swindler!

Patient: Quack! 

Doctor 1, Doctor 2, and Nurse: <Gasp!>

Patient: (Calmer) I apologize: I didn’t mean to insult you fine clinicians or the healthcare profession as a whole.

Doctor 1: (Rubbing temples; to Patient) Regardless, if we don’t start the procedure within the next… (Checks the wall clock) three minutes, we’ll have to reschedule.

Patient: (Nods) For later today.

Doctor 1: No, for another day.

Patient: (Hisses) I am not going through that prep more than once a decade, do-you-hear-me?!

Doctor 1: Well, it’ll be once every five years with your family history – (Patient’s eyes widen and mouth drops open) but if you don’t want to repeat it this year, then we’ve all gotta go now!

(Patient glares at Doctor 1, then at Doctor 2 who shakes head in disgust at Patient, then at Nurse who is quietly seething)

Next Patient: (Sharply draws back the curtains separating the two stretchers and addresses Patient) If you’re not going, does that mean I can go now?!  I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning and I’m starving!

Patient: We’re all starving – deal with it!  (Yanks the curtain back closed, stares at the others for several moments, then holds out a hand for Doctor 2’s tablet; the latter quickly gives it to Patient who signs without reading it and mumbles) I don’t believe it – for once I get to be the client, and I still have no rights, no rights whatsoever!

Nurse: You have the right to privacy.

Patient: (Hands back the tablet to Doctor 2) Not once I’m in that procedure room, I won’t!

Doctor 1: (While grabbing one side of the stretcher railings as Nurse grabs the other; they release the brake and race Patient to the procedure room) All-right-thank-you-let’s-go-let’s-go-let’s-go!

Patient: (Points wildly to Doctor 2 while being rushed through the corridor; the latter jogs after the stretcher to keep up) Just remember: if you try anything funny in there, I’ll be surrounded by a room full of witnesses!

Doctor 2: (As Patient’s stretcher is parked in the procedure room and everyone scrambles to get things ready, plants leads on Patient’s chest and puts nasal cannula around Patient’s head and up the nose, starting oxygen flow) Are you kidding?!  I could do everything right and still get sued, reported to every State and Federal organization out there, and have to relive it every time I apply for a new position or need new malpractice insurance – could you imagine how much more of a nightmare it’d be if I actually did mess up?!  On purpose??!!

Patient: I wouldn’t put it past you!  You never gave me the information I needed to fill out Form 706 that one year, and then complained when you got notices yelling at you about it later!

Doctor 2: I didn’t – !

Nurse: (Preparing equipment) All right, not that I don’t want to interrupt, but before we start there are few last checks we have to do.  (To Patient) Your date of birth?

Patient: Again?!  It’s --/--/----!  And now I think I’ve told the entire hospital twice how old I wish I wasn’t!

Nurse: Great, and who is the doctor performing the procedure today?

Patient: You don’t know?!

Nurse: Of course we – just answer the question, please.

Patient: Sorry: Dr. ------.

Nurse: Thank you.  Now –

Patient: Not for nothing, but at this point I refuse to complete the rest of your time-out process without being paid at least some of your salary.  (Turns on the stretcher to lie on the left side) Do with me what you will.

Doctor 2: (Injects solutions into the IV port) All right, sleep tight: your life is in my hands now, heh-heh.

Patient: (Falling asleep) If I wake up in the middle of all this, I’ll know it was you….

Doctor 1: (While preparing the scope; to Doctor 2) Out?

Doctor 2: (Checks Patient and a monitor) Yes, thankfully.

Doctor 1: Good: let’s get this done so I can get to all the others piling up like a backed-up conveyer belt out there.  (Starts the procedure and examines a monitor)  You know, these things are trying enough to do without the added drama. 

Doctor 2: (Also examining a monitor) Heh, you’re telling me…. Speaking of which, I’ve gotta schedule one of these things for myself soon: you think you’d be available –

Doctor 1: (Without looking at Doctor 2) Absolutely not.

Doctor 2: Fair enough.

Story 449: Diagnosis Massage

             (In a massage room at a spa, Client is lying face-down on the table and covered with lots of blankets when Massage Therapist enters carrying a stack of forms)

Massage Therapist: Hel-whoa, you’re already disrobed and in position, OK.  (Closes the door)

Client: (Props up self on one hand while preserving modesty with the blankets) Yeah, I don’t waste any time.  Nice to meet you, by the way.

Massage Therapist: Likewise.  (Scans through the forms) So, you marked off here that you have pain in your back, arms, legs, hands, feet, and head, and you’re basically a big ol’ mess, is that correct?

Client: Well, actually it’s just sometimes I get twinges here and there, like when I run up against a wall or table or something, you know, no big deal.

Massage Therapist: So, you’re not in constant body-wide pain as this form seems to be saying?

Client: (Laughs) Good heavens, no; you think I’d be here if I was?

Massage Therapist: This is a medical spa, so yes.

Client: Oh.  Someone just gave me a gift certificate for here, and I never get massages but since this was free I was like, “Sure.”

Massage Therapist: Mm-hm.  (Uses a pen to cross out the entire page) That should be it – normally I’d step out for a few minutes to give you a chance to strip, but since that’s a moot point we’ll get started.  (Turns down the lights and turns up the ambient music) Now, please lie on your back as I start on your head and throat.

Client: (Lies on back) Oh yay, here we go!

(Massage Therapist works on Client’s scalp and neck for a few minutes, then suddenly stops)

Massage Therapist: Do you have sleep apnea?

Client: (Wakes from a semi-doze) Huh?  Sleep what? 

Massage Therapist: You stop breathing when you sleep?

Client: Ummmm, I have no idea… although I do know that I’m quite the snorer.

Massage Therapist: (Continues massage) Mm.  You might want to get a referral for a sleep study.

Client: Oh.  How do you know?

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously, while rubbing Client’s shoulders) There are signs….

Client: Oh.  Good to know, I guess.

(Massage Therapist moves on to Client’s arms and legs, slowing down around the left elbow)

Massage Therapist: Hmmmm….

Client: What?

Massage Therapist: You ever break this arm?

Client: What?!  No!

Massage Therapist: (Placing slight pressure on the ulna closer to the elbow) You sure about that?

Client: Yes!  Well, I mean, I banged it up pretty bad once –

Massage Therapist: (Still feeling around the elbow) About three years ago?

Client: (Thinks) Maybe?  Years are starting to turn into days for me, if you know what I mean.  But I never full-out broke it, I’d’ve known about it!

Massage Therapist: Mm.  (Puts the arm under the blankets and moves on to the left leg) Yeah, it was full-out broken and it surprisingly healed basically straight, but you now have rampant arthritis there and you’ll know whenever it’s going to rain or snow for the rest of your life.

Client: (Lifts up arm to stare at it) But it feels fine!  Ish.  It does get a bit funny when the weather’s bad, now that you mention it.  (Stares closer at the elbow) Is that what that lump is?!

Massage Therapist: (Gently lowers the arm back under the blankets) Ssshhh – all will be well.  It’s just that joint replacement may be in your future, that’s all.

Client: <Whimpers>

(Massage Therapist finishes the right arm and the legs and moves on to the feet)

Massage Therapist: Hard to find shoes in your size, is it?

Client: (Lifts head slightly off the table) Yes!  Apparently, small feet don’t exist so I either have to get kids’ sizes or wear extra socks!  (Lowers head back down, then raises it again) Why do you ask?

Massage Therapist: You’re on your way to needing orthotics since your feet are all messed up.

Client: (Drops head back down) Arggghhh....

Massage Therapist: Nothing to be ashamed of – your feet just are a bit wee.

Client: I’m not ashamed, I’m annoyed!

Massage Therapist: (Focuses on the right foot) You used to play soccer, yes?

Client: (Suspiciously) Yessss...?  How – ?

Massage Therapist: You have a footballer’s foot.  Right dominant?

Client: Yesss…?  How – ?

Massage Therapist: Right wear-and-tear.  (Finishes the feet and dries off the oil with hot towels)

Client: Ooh, nice and warm.

Massage Therapist: Yep, these get off the excess gunk I just slathered all over you.  (Slightly lifts up the blankets and turns away) Flip over and stick your face in the hole, please.  (Client flips over and sticks face through the padded hole at the head of the bed; Massage Therapist works on Client’s back, focusing on the shoulders) Hmmm….

Client: Oh no, what is it now?

Massage Therapist: You have to deal with an unreasonable landlord and noisy neighbors a lot?

Client: (Tries to sit up but is stuck) How on Earth did you know that?!

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously, rubbing the back firmly but soothingly) There are signs….

Client: Odd spot for them to be.

(After the session is completed, Massage Therapist leaves the room for Client to get dressed, returning after a few minutes with a cup of water)

Client: (Hands over a tip while accepting the water) Thanks.  (Drinks quickly)

Massage Therapist: (Pockets the tip serenely) My pleasure.  By the way, I didn’t want to bring this up while you were relaxing toward the end there, but you might want to stop procrastinating and reconcile with your parents before it’s too late.

Client: (Nearly spits out the water) OK, how could you possibly be able to tell any of that from just kneading my muscles?!

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously) There are signs….

Client: In what?!  My pinky?!  My bicep?!  My hamstring?!  (Gasps) My hair?!

Massage Therapist: (Shifts to a casual stance) OK, full disclosure?

Client: Please.

Massage Therapist: I used to be a fortune teller at a traveling carnival.

Client: Ohhhh….

Massage Therapist: Yeah – I switched over to this because the customers complained a lot.  No one really likes hearing the full truth about themselves, you ever notice that?

Story 273: Wait, You Don’t Want to Hear My Life Story?!

            Hairdresser: So, what’ll it be today?

            Client: I was thinking a few inches, you know, up to here.

            Hairdresser: The usual, then.  (Starts snipping away) So, how’re the kids?

           Client: Oh, they’re great – the oldest made the basketball team this year, and – (Goes on for 20 minutes) Anyway, after all that happened, I’m seriously considering sending that one to military school.

            Hairdresser: Uh-huh.

            Client: Yeah.  Speaking of –

            Hairdresser: All done!  (Flourishes cape off Client)

            Client: Oh.  Thanks.  Looks good.  (Stands and hands over a tip)

            Hairdresser: Thank you, have a great day, come back soon, byyyyyyeeeee!  (Moves on to the next client at the washing station)

            Client: (On the way to the cash register) I didn’t get to finish my story….

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            Dentist: I see you just need a cleaning today?

          Patient: (All set up in the chair and wearing the bib) Well, maybe.  You see, Doc, my gums have been a bit inflamed lately – you think it might be the gingivitis we’ve always feared?

           Dentist: We’ll find out!  Open up.  (Patient opens mouth as Dentist explores with mirror and scraper) Oh yeah, you’ve got quite a few things going on: we’ll be here awhile.  (Unravels array of implements on a tray)

            Patient: [Gurgle]

         Dentist: (Props open Patient’s mouth, inserts the saliva ejector, and goes to work) So, everything going well with you since your last visit?

            Patient: Wauh, ah –

            Dentist: Ooh, that’s a nice little cavity we’ve got here!

            Patient: Aughua?!

           Dentist: Heh-heh, save that one for later – let’s see what else we can find first.  So, how’ve you been doing with the snow this week?

            Patient: Ehoua –

Dentist: (Begins drilling) Yeah, every day I had to clean off my car and shovel out the entire driveway – by myself, mind you – and then it took me forever just to get here what with the way the streets are plowed – do they even sand the roads anymore?  (Thirty minutes later) I mean what are we paying taxes for, am-I-right?

Patient: Umf-uh.

Dentist: (Turns off tools) Well, all done, good as new, don’t eat anything for at least an hour, see you in six months!  (Raises chair, removes equipment and bib, and dashes to the next patient, as the rest of the day now is just so far behind)

Patient: (Sits in the chair for a few moments, holding tender jaw) They sand by me.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

Cashier: Hello, did you find everything you needed today?  (Begins scanning items)

Customer: No, but too late now: I’m not going back out there.

Cashier: Heh-heh.  (Scans faster)

Customer: I mean, no matter where I go, there’re like a billion people everywhere, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I mean, where did all these people come from, you know?

Cashier: …From other people?

Customer: HA!  Good one.  I mean, I just feel like I spend my entire life waiting on line, and all I want is new clothes and shoes every day.  Life just isn’t fair, right?

Cashier: Yeah.  (Begins bagging while scanning)

Customer: I mean, I’m a good person, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I don’t deserve to be stuck in traffic all the time on my way to the mall, or to be written up at work for being “disruptive,” whatever that means, just because I regularly make a few personal phone calls in the office, or to have my so-called friends stab me in the back just because I was being honest and told them that they’re horrible demons, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I mean –

Cashier: Sorry, do you have a rewards card with us?

Customer: Oh.  Yeah, here.  (Hands over card)

Cashier: (After swiping) That’ll be $600.23.

Customer: (Hands over credit card) These prices, I tell you, everything’s gotten so expensive you can’t even treat yourself to a little somethin’-somethin’ anymore –

Cashier: (Hands cards and 20 bags of merchandise over to the Customer) Thank you, have a good night, next!

Customer: (Expertly carries bags and leaves the store) And I didn’t even get started on my views of the tax system.

Story 245: Behavior Modification, LLC

            (The Representative looks up and smiles as the Client is shown into the office)

            Representative: Welcome!  Please have a seat.

            Client: Thanks.  (Sits and begins biting nails)

          Representative: So, what can we assist you with today?  (Glances at the nail-biting) Self-control, perhaps?

            Client: Hm?  Oh, I guess.  (Stops biting) Actually, I suddenly realized recently that I curse a lot, and I mean a lot, and not in a good way.

            Representative: There’s a good way?

       Client: Yeah, I mean, nobody really cares about ----, ----, ----, or even ------ ------ (Representative’s smile is now frozen), but my problem is that I, whatchamacallit… blaspheme?  I think that’s the word.

            Representative: Oh, we say “G ---- it” a little too much, do we?

          Client: Not especially, but it does slip out every now and then.  No, the one I want to stop saying completely is “Jesus Christ.”

            Representative: I see.  I assume you mean that you’re saying it in a non-prayerful manner.

            Client: Exactly.  I don’t know if it’s that the syllables flow together so nicely, or if it really did start out as a prayer asking why everything is so wretched, but for me it’s gotten way out of hand.  I can’t stop saying it, and I think it’s making Him extremely disappointed in me.

          Representative: Right.  Here’s what we’re going to do.  (Pulls a device from out of a desk drawer, pushes a few buttons, and hands it to the Client) This is a recorder: carry it with you wherever you go for a week, then come back here and we’ll review the results and form an action plan.

            Client: (Stares at the device) So, what, I have to turn it on every time I think I’m gonna say it?

           Representative: Nope – it’s always on, I just set it to retain the recording for 10 seconds before and after you say the key phrase.

            Client: You mean “Je – ”?

            Representative: Don’t set it off just yet, you'll skew the results.  It’ll send me a log throughout the week, so I’ll have everything ready by the time you come back – barring any “events” on the ride over here that morning.

            Client: OK… thanks.  (Pockets the device and stands to leave) When you say that it’s always on, you mean it’s listening to everything, all the time?

            Representative: It sure is!  But don’t worry, it’s nothing your own cell phone’s not doing right now.  (Client sharply looks down at pants pockets) Just maybe hold off on discussing any state secrets for a week, eh, heh-heh-heh?

            Client: Right… hold off on those…. (Leaves, looking disturbed)

            Representative: Oh dear.

ONE WEEK LATER

            (The Representative looks up and smiles as the Client is shown into the office)

            Representative: Welcome again!  Please have a seat.

            Client: Thanks.  (Takes device out of pocket and gingerly sets it on the desk)

            Representative: So.  We’ve had an eventful week.

            Client: (Speaks around biting nail) Was it that bad?

            Representative: I’ll play you some of the highlights.  (Selects a few sound files on the desktop computer and plays them)

         Client’s Voice: (On computer speakers; car horns are blaring in the background) Are you kidding me?!  That’s why we’ve been crawling for the past five miles – to watch someone change a tire?!  Jesus Christ, I hate people!

            Client: (Sheepishly) Rush hour.

            Representative: Understandable.  (Selects another file)

           Client’s Voice: (On computer speakers; a phone rings) Ugh, this guy again.  Hello, this is – I told you 10 minutes ago, this is a business, not a residence, the electric bills are done at Corporate, go scam them!  (Sound of a slammed receiver) Jesus Christ, if they call me one more time – (Phone rings) Son of a -----!

            Client: Yeah, telemarketers.  Bad enough you get `em at home, am-I-right?

           Representative: Yes, it’s very odd when they call at work; I had one the other day call here asking if I wanted my kitchen floor tiled.  (Selects another file)

           Different Voice: – and don’t think I don’t see you sneaking around spying on everyone when you claim you need to go to another department for a minute; you’re really angling to take everybody’s job!

           Client’s Voice: It’s called “Talking to people in person so I can get my work done,” Jesus ------- Christ!  (Client and Representative wince) I’m tired of you always saying stuff like this; maybe you’re sneaking around spying on everyone when you should be doing your job!

            Client: Yeah, that one was really bad.

            Representative: Uh-huh.  (Closes files) There are more than 100 instances here –

            Client: Whoa, that many?  I don’t even remember half of them, isn’t that awful?

           Representative: – but here’s my recommended course of action: Word Substitution.

            Client: Huh?

           Representative: It works for all my potty-mouthed clients: we find a word or phrase with the same number of syllables and similar inflections, bonus if there are similar sounds, and voilà!  Replacement non-curse cursing.

            Client: I guess I can try it out.  What’ve you got?

            Representative: (Whips out a list) A favorite among preschool teachers is “Cheese and Rice.”

        Client: (Mouths this while thinking) I dunno, I think it kind of makes me sound like a preschooler.

            Representative: All right, how about “Jeans and Lice”?

            Client: Um, ew?

            Representative: OK, “Seamus Geist”?

            Client: Hm, international.  Any others?

            Representative: “Jeans and Rice.”

            Client: That’s just combining two of the others.

            Representative: Yes it is.

            Client: I’ll have to think these over.

           Representative: Sure, take the whole list, makes no difference to me what you pick.  (Hands over list) Let us know how you do, and please pay this at the front desk. (Hands over bill)

            Client: (Eyes widen at the amount; looks up at the Representative) Jeeeeeee-ans and Geist!

            Representative: You see?  Worth every penny.