Story 634: Work Is a Distraction for a Workout

             (At a gym, Client enters in a hurry and still dressed in business casual)

Trainer: (Trots over from lounging against the front desk) Hi there!  Thanks so much for coming back.

Client: (Rushed) Yeah, listen, I only came in because I wanted to tell you in-person instead of leaving a phone message: sorry to gym-break-up with you like this, but it’s not you, it’s me.

Trainer: I know.

Client: No, I mean – what, you do?

Trainer: Totally: we never take anything personally in this line of work.  Success or failure is entirely up to you.  (Points to Client in emphasis)

Client: Oh.  OK, then you know that I’m leaving the gym because I just can’t get through the workouts and I’ve hit the wall and peaked long ago and will never get any better than I was at the beginning, right?

Trainer: Yes.

Client: Oh.  Guess we agree on my complete and utter inadequacy, then.  (Turns to leave, stifling a sob)

Trainer: Not so fast!  (Gently turns Client back around and steers the latter through the main training area, past others working with all sorts of equipment) Usually I’d let a client with your views go on your merry little way and focus on the ones here who are actually serious about their commitment to health BUT – (As Client opens mouth to object) I know that you’re a special case.

Client: (Borderline sarcastic) Oh, really?

Trainer: Of course!  And in the spirit of Memorial Day Weekend AND Military Appreciation Month, I’m not going to give up when I know you still have the potential to be all that you can be!

Client: I don’t know – (Briefly holds up a not-very-toned arm) I doubt I could serve our country with this.

Trainer: Not with that attitude!  At any rate: I observe all my clients closely, and you, my friend – (Points at Client again in emphasis) have a head problem.

Client: As in…?

Trainer: You’re stuck in it.  Most people here like having something else to focus on that isn’t work, or family, or their work family, or their lack of real friends, or what-have-you, so having to do a hundred reps of bicep curls or flipping ginormous tires or lunging until their legs turn to jelly tends to block out all that other stuff for a blissful hour or two.  You – (Pokes Client on the shoulder)

Client: Ow.

Trainer: – sorry – have the opposite situation going on.  You’re too focused on the bicep curling and the tire flipping and the leg lunging that you can’t relax.

Client: (Looks around the gym at everyone else lifting, running, squatting, lunging, pulling, and pushing) “Relax”?!

Trainer: Let me put it another way: you’re too focused on how not well you’re doing in the workouts that all you can see is the failure and not the progress.  So, I took the liberty of calling in an… assistant trainer, if you will.

(They stop at an exercise bench where someone else has been waiting)

Assistant: (Waves at Client) Hi!  Nice to see you!

Client: (Blinks at Assistant, then turns to Trainer) Are you telling me that you hired the VP’s administrative assistant from where I work to be a trainer here?!

Trainer: I sure did!  Am.

Client: (To Assistant) So you work here now, too?

Assistant: Sort of: they hired me as a per diem contractor.

Client: For what?

Assistant: To motivate you during workouts!

Client: What?!

Trainer: I know, isn’t it brilliant?  I wonder why no one’s thought of it before?

Client: No, I don’t think either one of you is getting it: I’m listening to all the “Keep going!”s and the “You got this!”s and the “Just 50 more!”s and the “You’re getting stronger with every rep!”s, but at this point they’re only underlining how not well I’m doing, at all.

Trainer: So – (Gestures to Assistant) we hired the Admin here to provide a different kind of motivation: work.

Client: Huh?

Assistant: I’m supposed to keep you distracted with all the projects and deadlines you have waiting for you back at the office, so that way you won’t even notice you’ve gotten through the session until it’s over!

Trainer: Brilliant, I say!

Client: That – I – I don’t know….

Trainer: C’mon, what do you have to lose by trying?

Client: Another month’s membership fee.

Trainer: Not to worry on that end; since this was my idea, you’re not being charged for this session if it doesn’t work.

Client: What, it’ll come out of your paycheck or something?

Trainer: Pretty much, yeah.

Client: Well, now I’ll feel guilty if I still don’t want to come back after today –

Assistant: Do it or I’ll tell the VP you’re an indecisive slacker right before your annual performance review!

(Client runs to the changing room)

Trainer: Oh, you’re good.

Assistant: Thank you – years of experience.

(At the exercise bench, Client is now in gym clothes and lying down, ready to lift)

Trainer: So, where did we leave off last time?

Client: (Embarrassed) Between 70 and 80 pounds.

Trainer: Good – we’re going for 100 now.  (Adds weights onto the bar and lifts it into Client’s hands)

Client: (Straining to hold up the weight as Trainer spots) Um, I don’t know, I’m probably going to drop the bar on myself –

Assistant: (Leans down next to Client’s head) Speaking of bars, did you finish those graphs for this week’s budget meeting yet?

Client: (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up) Uh, not yet – (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up) still waiting for more data – (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up)

Assistant: (Taking notes on a large pad and nodding) Um-hm: how many departments still haven’t gotten back to you?

Client: (Expels a big breath while lifting) Uhhhhhh, I don’t know exactly – (Lowers and lifts) I think a few – (Lowers and lifts) are flat-out ignoring me now – (Lowers and lifts) I’ll have to start calling them – (Lowers and lifts) or showing up at their desks – (Lowers and lifts) it’s really annoying (Lowers and lifts with a grunt)

Trainer: That’s enough.  (Takes the bar and puts it back on the rack) You just beat your personal record there, congrats!   (Wipes down the equipment)

Client: (Slowly sits up while rubbing sore hands) Huh.  I suppose I did.

Trainer: Let’s try the treadmill next, yeah?

Client: (Stands) Maybe leg lifts next instead?

Trainer: Nope!  I want some cardio in there now that you’re all warmed up!

Client: (As all three walk to a treadmill) But my stamina stinks.

Trainer: We’ll see about that!  Up you go!

(Client steps onto the treadmill; Trainer sets it to a 10% incline and 5 mph speed)

Client: That fast?!  And high?!

Trainer: Time to be bold!  (Starts the machine)

Client: (Starts running and is immediately almost of out of breath) I dunno – maybe a little slower –

Assistant: (Slides in front of Trainer, still writing notes) Take me through the presentation you have so far.

Client: Oh – uh – well – our fiscal year’s – pretty good – so far – under budget – in most areas – we’ll need to cut back – on expenses – in – (To Trainer who is watching a timer) Can I – take a – quick break?

Assistant: Cut back on what expenses?  You just said we’re under budget.

Client: Yeah – in some areas – but not others – those are over –

Assistant: Give me a list of what needs to be cut, then.

Client: Well – (Goes on for 10 minutes)

Trainer: (Stops the timer) Aaaaaand, time!  (Stops the treadmill) Well done, you!  I don’t think you’ve ever gone that long before.

Client: (Collapses sweating and gasping over the machine) I – haven’t?

Trainer: Nope!  And it was literally uphill all the way!

Client: (Starts to slump) Ohhhhh….

Trainer: Right: medicine ball time!

(Trainer drags Client to an open area on the floor as Assistant follows; the two then do sit-ups while throwing a medicine ball to each other)

Assistant: (Crouched next to Client and still taking notes while following with each sit-up) Have you called the vendors yet and told them that our invoicing process is changing?

Client: Not yet – (Sits up and throws) Corporate still hasn’t made it “official” so I can’t – (Catches the ball and lies back down) it’ll probably be next week though – (Sits up and throws) I have a mass e-mail ready to send – (Catches the ball and lies back down, and stays down) I don’t think I can get up again.

Assistant: (Glances over at Trainer who mouths “Twenty more”, then addresses Client again) Well, that really should be done this week, since invoices for the month will go out on Tuesday after the holiday.

Client: (Suddenly sits up and throws) Yeah, and no one actually pays on the day they get the invoice – (Catches the ball and lies back down) so they’ll still get the notice before they have to pay – (Sits up and throws) and it’ll be fresher in their minds if I send it next week.  (Catches and lies back down)

Assistant: (As the other two continue faster and faster) But, it’s best practice, not to mention common courtesy, to send the notice before they receive the invoices, because you just know they’re going to get confused if you send it after, and you just know that someone will pay that same day the one time you don’t want them to, and then we’ll all be up the creek when it was a completely avoidable situation –

Client: (Sitting up, lying down, throwing, and catching even faster) All right – all right – I’ll ask – first thing – tomorrow and – get approval – to send it out – by that afternoon – or Friday – the latest – OK?!

Trainer: (Catches a fastball and raises an arm in triumph) Done!

Client: (Collapses back down on the mat) I certainly am.

Trainer: (Stands with Assistant for them both to look down at Client) Well, I think this experiment went exceptionally well, don’t you agree?

Client: (Breathlessly) Oh yeah – I’m certainly not – stressing about – the workouts – anymore –

Trainer: Perfect!  See you at our usual time on Thursday then, yeah?  (Walks away, tossing the medicine ball into the air and whistling in glee)

Assistant: (Down at Client) See you in the office tomorrow, yeah?  (Walks away, taking notes in glee)

Client: (Still on the floor) Great – now I’ll always – be thinking – about work –

Story 337: Television Test Studio

           (In an office, a television studio executive and an assistant are seated at a desk across from a potential showrunner)

          Showrunner: Thank you so much for meeting with me today – I’m very excited to pitch this series to you.

            Executive: Yes, we can tell.  The premise does sound intriguing, so I, too, am excited about all the money we stand to make off of this thing.

            Showrunner: Well, this has been a labor of love for the past 10 years of my life –

            Executive: None of that matters if no one watches past the first 10 minutes of Episode 1; now pitch it to me.

       Showrunner: [Pitches high-concept, epically worldbuilt, complexly characterized, subtly philosophical, soulfully resounding series]

            Executive: (Leaning back with wide-open eyes) Wow.

            Showrunner: You’re darn right “Wow”: this whole thing’ll blow everyone’s minds and change the landscape of television forever, again.  So, yeah, that’s how the series ends; I think it should take about 15 episodes to tell the story properly.

          Executive: Whoa-whoa-whoa, back up a second there; all that was just for one season?

           Showrunner: Well, yeah; I mean, it’s a pretty tight story that can be told in a short period of time – wouldn’t want to end on a cliffhanger and get cancelled, am-I-right?

            Executive: With that kind of attitude, you will be!

            Showrunner: Oh.  OK, I guess you could split the series over two seasons with about seven or eight episodes each.

          Executive: With all due respect to our cousins across the pond – what do you think this is, British broadcasting?!

            Showrunner: Ummm, sooo, what exactly do you want?       

            Executive: Five seasons minimum.

            Showrunner: (Laughs hysterically, then stops abruptly) Oh, you’re serious?

            Executive: I’d actually prefer the series to be extended indefinitely, but my experience in this business has taught me to manage my expectations.

            Showrunner: But – but – that’s completely unsustainable!  Do you know how long it took me to lovingly craft this exquisite work of art?!

            Executive: Ten years, and yet I don’t care: either figure out how to stretch the story out over five seasons of 20-plus episodes each using however many clip shows you need, or figure out what shenanigans the characters can repetitively get into after the ending you currently have.  Find a way to make it work, or you have no show.

            Showrunner: (Pulls hair in despair) I can’t just add to a finished story; it’s complete as it is now!

           Executive: Tell that to the sponsors – they’re not gonna invest in a one-off that builds an audience of consumers just to drop off suddenly in less than a year.  The viewers will tell you the same: I can see the comments now on how they wasted their precious leisure time and brain power on an immersive fantasy world and realistic characters that all up and vanished when one measly season’s over.  The fan fiction alone will eat you alive.

          Showrunner: But the story is over, don’t you get it?!  Anything past that will be a disgusting shadow of its former glory!

           Executive: This is TV – nothing is ever over.  You want it to end on your terms, you should’ve written a novel.

            Showrunner: But none of the cool people I want as fans would read it!

            Assistant: If I may interject?

            Executive: Oh, forgot you were here; go ahead.

            Assistant: This show may be the perfect opportunity to use the Test Studio.

            Executive: Oh, right, forgot that was here, too.  (To Showrunner) Interested?

            Showrunner: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

          Executive: You heard in the news about the mini-black hole discovered right here on Earth recently, yes?

            Showrunner: Yeah, it’s messed up literally everything – so?

            Executive: Well, our studio bought it and –

            Showrunner: What?!

            Assistant: We decided to utilize it to create a Television Test Studio, sort of like a test kitchen without the disastrous consequences.  (Takes out a computer tablet and displays convoluted diagrams) Turns out the black hole leads to an alternate universe with an Earth just like ours in every way, except not everyone there’s left-handed for some reason.

            Executive: It’s a real drag.

           Assistant: So, we can produce your show on that Earth for five seasons and judge the reactions of that audience to see if it would work here, without any of the risk or potential loss of profit on this end.

          Showrunner: (Stares at the diagrams) This is a life-altering, universe-impacting discovery, and you’re using it to test a TV show?!

            Executive: I know, isn’t it great?!  It’ll save us a fortune!

            Assistant: And time: there’s some kind of temporal dilation once you cross the event horizon, so we can do the five years over there and then come back here with extremely minimal loss of time on this end.

            Showrunner: But we’d get older!

            Assistant: Over there, yeah, but we’d supposedly get the years back when we come over here again, kind of like changing time zones or what-not.

            Showrunner: I don’t think that’s how it works.

            Assistant: What can I tell you: I don’t science, I television.

            Executive: So, are you in?

            Showrunner: I don’t know, this is all so weird….

            Executive: You want your series baby see the light of day or not?

            Showrunner: Where do I sign?

FIVE YEARS LATER

        (In an Alternate Earth office, Executive and Assistant are seated at a desk across from Showrunner)

            Executive: So!  Reviews for last night’s episode are in.

            Showrunner: (Slumped in the seat) I know, and I don’t want to read them.

            Executive: Oh come on, it’s gotta be a little flattering to read all those embittered fans saying you’ve lost your way – means they loved you at some point!

            Showrunner: They called the show a dumpster fire and wondered how I could’ve written such a great first season if all the others are such obvious money-grabs!

            Executive: Yes, but those same people still give us their money to watch it, so that’s really on them.

          Showrunner: They said the show should’ve ended after Season 1!  I told you this would happen – they hate it, and now they hate me, not you!

          Executive: Calm yourself: they’re still buying the other seasons en masse; I fail to see why you’re letting a few trolls get you down.

            Showrunner: They’re the same fans who loved Season 1!

            Executive: Audiences can be a fickle crew.

         Showrunner: And you even lost money when you made me write Season 3 to take place entirely in the characters’ minds!  The CGI was eye-bleedingly terrible, and all the actors wanted higher salaries because they were practically doing one-person shows!  In pantomime!

          Executive: Yes, I did hate giving into the divas, but we’d’ve lost half the audience if any of those guys had walked out before we got a chance to kill them off between seasons.

           Showrunner: That’s another thing!  You knew the lead villain was supposed to die at the end of Season 1 because the story was over, but you said the audience loved him too much so I had to keep resurrecting him even though it made no sense!  The actor’s been begging me to kill the character for years because he can’t make it believable anymore!

            Executive: Well, then he clearly does not take his craft seriously.

            Showrunner: Whatever.  Series finale is next week and it can’t come soon enough; I just won't read anything about how much everyone hated it, that’s all.

           Executive: Yeah, about that: the show’s still trending in the top 10, so I’d like at least two more seasons to maximize our returns – three, if I can be greedy.

            Showrunner: (Stares in horror) It has been bled beyond dry.  The critics are right: I have been making this up as I go along, for years!

            Executive: True, but they don’t need to have that theory confirmed, do they?

          Showrunner: What am I gonna do with these characters for another 20 episodes?!  They’ve already saved the world 100 times, plus they’ve all hooked up with each other and had 15 babies with three more on the way; what’s next, they colonize Mars?!

            Executive: (Starts writing on a notepad) Ooh, that’s a great idea –

           Showrunner: (Slams hand on the desk) No!  No-no-no!  You’ve already warped my beautiful creation into an unrecognizable mass of rubbish; this madness ends now!

            Assistant: If I may interject?

            Executive: Oh, sorry, forgot you were here; go ahead.

           Assistant: I think our testing phase is complete and has effectively demonstrated that this show should only have one season.

          Executive: Oh, right, also forgot that’s what we’ve been doing here.  (To Showrunner) All right, you win: the viewers have clearly spoken and want just the one perfect season, so we’ll go back to our universe now and go do that.

            Showrunner: (Bleary-eyed) I don’t even remember why we came here.

APPROXIMATELY FOUR YEARS EARLIER

        (In the Prime Earth office, Executive and Assistant are seated at a desk across from Showrunner)

            Executive: Well, well, well!  It’s not often that I’m wrong, but I do admit when I am – the show was a smashing success, the viewers are sad that it’s over but continue to rave about how awesome it was, and our ratings have never been higher, all thanks to you!

            Showrunner: Wow.  Thank you for saying that: this past year’s been an immense relief, let me tell you, and fulfilling on a deep, personal level, if I might add.

            Executive: I wish you wouldn’t.

            Assistant: If I may interject?

            Executive: You always do.

          Assistant: Now that this show is completely over, we have been looking at the possibility of at least 10 spin-offs –

            (Showrunner face plants onto the desk)

            Executive: Oh, don’t be so glum – we have a whole alternate universe Test Studio to try them out in first!