Story 643: Nothing Bothers Me When I’m on Vacation

             (In an office)

Manager: (Pausing while passing by with a glass of water) What’re you smiling so inanely about?

Vacationer: (Smiling inanely at the computer while slowly typing one key every few seconds) Oh, just thinking that 24 hours from now, I’ll be on the beach, totally relaxed, not a care in the world, that sort of thing.

Manager: Yeah, that’s great – you still have the quarterly budget report to submit before the end of the day since you’ll be gone when it’s due.

Vacationer: (Smiling and typing uninterrupted) No… worries… all… will… be… well….

Manager: Hm.  Wish I could feel that way when I go on vacation; people always act like I’m on-call 24/7 no matter what. 

 

(On a backed-up parkway the next day, Vacationer’s car inches slowly among the blaring horns, yelling drivers, and blazing heat from the Sun above and the pavement below)

Voice on the Radio: – and would you believe it, yet another accident, this time at Exit 98 and involving 10 cars and a tractor trailer!  Shockingly, only minor injuries have been reported, but folks, this is gonna add at least another hour to the record-breaking ONE-HUNDRED-mile backup on the parkway – my suggestion, take the highways; at this point, the traffic lights have gotta be faster than this sea of molasses –

Vacationer: (Smiling gently while staring through the surrounding chaos, then full-body sighs) Ahhhhhhh… vacation…. (Switches from the radio station to pre-recorded sounds of ocean waves and seagulls) 

 

(In a hotel room later that day, Vacationer flops backward onto a king-sized bed, closes eyes, and smiles even wider)

Vacationer: Sooo… relaxed….

(After a few moments, a loud SLAM! is heard overhead, followed by slightly muffled voices)

Upstairs Voice 1: I told you to wash off your feet before tromping sand all over the place!  Look at this mess!

Upstairs Voice 2: I forgot!

Upstairs Voice 1: Well, DO IT NOW!  This was a nice clean room when we got here, and in the space of five minutes it’s become an absolute pigsty!  And that’s insulting the pigs!

Upstairs Voice 3: WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!  (Cries continue as a backing track to the rest of the conversation)

Upstairs Voice 1: Look what you did!  No one’ll get any sleep tonight!

Upstairs Voice 2: Can I have candy now?

Upstairs Voice 1: You’re lucky if I let you have candy EVER AGAIN!

Upstairs Voice 4: I’m goin’ to the mini-golf course – anyone wanna come?

Upstairs Voice 2: (With banging sounds while jumping up and down) Oooh!  Oooh!  Me!  Me!

Upstairs Voice 1: No mini-golf until you wash off this filth!

Upstairs Voice 2: It’s called The Ocean!  It’s Nature, so it’s natural!

Upstairs Voice 1: And it’s polluted with your mess, now WASH!  IT!  OFF!!!

Upstairs Voice 3: (Louder) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Vacationer: (Slowly opens eyes as Upstairs Voices continue without breaks, smile never fading) Sooooooooooo… relaxed…. 

 

(On the beach later that afternoon, Vacationer sits on a recliner near the shoreline and reads a book; an umbrella planted in the sand next to the chair starts rocking back and forth faster and faster as winds pick up speed)

Lifeguard: (Whistles loudly at the nearby swimmers and waves arms gesturing that they come ashore) Everyone out of the water!  Massive thunderstorm off the port bow!  (Points to giant dark clouds filled with rain and lightning that are speeding toward the beach)

(Everyone rushes out of the water, screaming and scooping up their supplies before running inland)

Vacationer: (Looks around at the mass exodus and then at the approaching thunderstorm, then reclines the chair back farther as the rain begins, sighing contentedly) Wonderful: have the place all to myself now.

Laughing Seagull: (Glances at the crowds and at Vacationer before taking flight as far away from the ocean as possible) HA – HA – HA – HAA – HAA – HAA!  [Humans really are the dopiest species on this planet] 

 

(In a restaurant that evening, Vacationer eats at a small table located in the middle of the main floor, surrounded by screaming kids, boisterous adults, frantic servers, and karaoke night)

Vacationer: (Takes a bite out of the entrée and closes eyes in satisfaction as “Happy Birthday” at a nearby table competes with a bachelorette party on stage) Mmm… perfection….  (Gently sips a mocktail as a place setting crashes to the floor nearby) 

 

(On the hotel property during the next sunny day, Vacationer sits on a lounge chair in front of the ground floor room, facing the pool and the common lawn for all the other rooms,  and reading a different book.  A heated cornhole competition is being held directly in front of Vacationer’s chair, the lifeguardless pool is over-capacity with adults and children playing shoulder wars, tag, and catch at the same time, someone strung up a volleyball net on something and began a game where the ball keeps hitting the rooms’ walls and glass sliding doors, and several stereo systems playing different genres of music are blasting from around the property and within the pool)

Vacationer: (Closes eyes and smiles dreamily, setting the book on stomach and folding arms behind head) Hmmm… think I’ll take a nap…. (Chuckles as a volleyball bounces off an elbow)

 

(At the hotel check-in/check-out counter several days later)

Clerk: That settles up your bill, then.  Did you enjoy your stay with us?

Vacationer: (Smile has faded a bit) Extremely.  I just have one complaint, though.

Clerk: The other guests?  They were especially awful this week, I know – most of them checked out yesterday, and I can finally hear again without a ringing in my ears.

Vacationer: No, it’s just – this was a vacation.

Clerk: Yes?

Vacationer: And now, it’s over.

Clerk: …Yes?

Vacationer: Well that’s the problem, now isn’t it.

Clerk: Ah, yes: such is life, I suppose.

Vacationer: I suppose.  Farewell, Temporary Paradise, then.  (Carries luggage out of the office, then stops to stare at the shore town’s main avenue and the beach with the Sun shining down on the waves, then breathes in the relaxed air of contentment one last time) If only I could bottle this feeling and take it once daily – I think that would solve pretty much everything.

Story 636: Summer Has Started Three Weeks Early

(On a small beach, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs under an umbrella, facing a bay that eventually goes into an ocean)

Friend 1: (Gestures at the nearly empty beach around them) See?  All the benefits of “The Beach”, with none of the hassle.  None of the crowds, none of the traffic, none of the fees.

Friend 2: (After a few moments staring at the gently lapping waves) None of the lifeguards.

Friend 1: Which is why we’re not swimming.

Friend 2: None of the bathrooms.

Friend 1: Which is why you’re always supposed to go before you leave home.

Friend 2: None of the –

Friend 1: Listen, do you want the experience of “The Beach” without dealing with all that stuff in actually going to “The Beach”, or not?!

Friend 2: It’s just… kind of boring.

Friend 1: How so?  Neither of us really swim at this point in our lives anyway, and we never surfed or paddle boarded or any of those major-athlete shenanigans, so how is this – (Gestures at the beach and water this time) any different?

Friend 2: I guess, but I’d still like the option to go swimming in the actual ocean, you know?

Friend 1: You stand in the shallows for five minutes and go back to reading under the umbrella for the rest of the time we’re there.

Friend 2: Still.  The water’s just different, you know?

Friend 1: Salt water, fresh water, brackish water – cold is cold.

Friend 2: And I do kind of miss some of the crowds.

Friend 1: (Lowers sunglasses to stare at Friend 2 in disbelief) What?!

Friend 2: Well, mainly the kids playing in the sand, making their little castles that won’t last the day, or throwing small balls that always wind up lost at sea, or floating around with their boogie boards, that sort of thing.

Friend 1: You’re always complaining how loud they are and that they’re running around all over the place and ruining your vibe!

Friend 2: I do not.

Friend 1: Ha!

Friend 2: I do not!  I think you’re confusing me with you.

Friend 1: Sure, I complain about them too, but at least I own it!

Friend 2: (Stares out at the water, brow furrowed in thought) Huh.  Maybe I do complain about them more than I thought.

Friend 1: I’ll say no more.  (Sips from a water bottle)

Friend 2: But still, it’s only early June now –

Friend 1: Summer has started for me, yes.

Friend 2: – so all those kids are still in school for another three weeks; couldn’t we have gone to an actual beach and still had peace and quiet?  I mean, I thought that was the whole point of us taking time off and going on a weekday now instead of in summer proper, when everyone will be there, every day, all day long?

Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2 again) I am not paying $20 for the almost-exact same experience that I can get for free.

Friend 2: It’s $20 at that beach now?

Friend 1: Disgustingly, yes.

Friend 2: Per person?

Friend 1: Per car.

Friend 2: Oh, that makes more sense.  What about other beaches?

Friend 1: Slightly less per person, but I wouldn’t put it past them to raise fees once again, in solidarity with everything else inflating.

Friend 2: Hm.  Guess this really is the better option this time of year.

Friend 1: Darn tootin’.  And another thing: the lifeguard beaches don’t even reduce fees for this lull month when most of the crowds aren’t there yet, so if they consider it to be summer now, then so do I.

Friend 2: Summer doesn’t start until June 21.

Friend 1: I said what I said.

(They stare out at the water some more)

Friend 2: I suppose I could stand in the water for five minutes here just as well as anywhere else.

Friend 1: Go for it.

Friend 2: (Points to a section farther down the beach) Ooh, and look!  Seagulls, just like at a real beach!

Friend 1: This is a real beach!

Friend 2: You know what I mean.

Friend 1: (Picks up a trowel that was used to plant the umbrella) All right, would it make you feel better if you dig a massive hole in the sand and then immediately fill it in so you can have five seconds of childhood nostalgia?

Friend 2: Yes please.  (Snatches the trowel out of Friend 1’s hand and starts digging a massive hole in glee).

Friend 1: (Opens a book to read) You know, you can thank me for the other experience that you’re also getting free of charge, and no true summer at “The Beach” is complete without.

Friend 2: (Stops digging to look back at Friend 1) Oh?  And what magical summer experience is that?

Friend 1: Sand everywhere.

Story 452: Living in a Tourist Town

A summer morning in a city that never sleeps: the constant traffic that had lessened a bit in the past few hours starts ramping it up from “steady” to “bumper-to-bumper”; stores that were closed only to reset after the business day have opened with the rising sun, lines of customers already circling around the block; the beaches have not a grain of sand uncovered by blankets and chairs; all the tours are in full-swing; and the birds sing the anxiety of the day.

A shift worker driving during through the city mid-morning stops over 50 times in a three-mile commute to avoid hitting cyclists swerving out of the bike lane and pedestrians crossing streets just everywhere.

Worker: (Stopped in the middle of the busy avenue as a whole group of babies cross against the light on their way to the beach) Let’s move to the shore – it’ll be sooooooo relaxing – you can avoid the main road during the summer – not if work is on the main road, now can I?!  (Leans out the driver’s side window) No, no trouble at all, I’ve got nowhere to be in a hurry, you enjoy the easy life you so richly deserve!

Tourist: (To self, while crossing the street) This is my one week off a year….

A refurbished trolley turns onto the avenue at half speed in front of Worker’s car.

Tour Guide 1: (Voice blasting through the trolley’s speakers) And coming up on our left is a house-turned-hostel considered to be the most haunted building in all of –

Worker: (Blares the car horn and leans out the window again) The original building burned down 15 years ago and the ghosts are just the defective central air ductwork!

Tour Guide 1: (Leans out the left front trolley window, still holding the microphone and speaking in a low, deadly voice) Shame on you.

Worker: (Blares the car horn longer) MOVE IT!!!

The trolley, filled with the sounds of children crying, eventually turns down a side street.  Thirty minutes later, Worker finds an opening in the traffic to make a hasty left turn into the seafood restaurant’s parking lot and snags the last spot in the back.

Worker: (Exits the car, stares at the calm exterior of the restaurant belying the chaos within, and then turns to the nearby dock where the day’s specials still are being hauled in) You know, I’ve really gotten to hate fish.

At a nearby park, several adults sit on benches watching their children in the playground.

Adult 1: I actually have a dentist’s appointment later today.

Adult 2: Really?  Your doctor stuck around for August?

Adult 1: Yeah, basically riding it out till retirement.  I can’t walk from my house and expect to get there before tomorrow though, so I gotta leave here in a few minutes if I want to make it on time.

Adult 2: What time’s the appointment?

Adult 1: 3:00.

Adult 2: (Checks watch and sees that it is almost 11 a.m.) Might just about make it.

A charter bus turns into the parking lot and the passengers disembark in groups of 10.

Tour Guide 2: (Speaking through a megaphone) And this little oasis of tranquility is one of the best-kept secrets of –

Adult 1: (Gasps in horror, then quickly gathers belongings as Adult 2 does the same) Playtime’s over, kids – they found the park!

The adults and children run screaming back to their cars and re-enter the collective traffic jam.

At a beach entrance, the badge checker seated in a chair fights the intense sunshine with an umbrella and the intense boredom with a book as a beachgoer approaches with minimal gear.

Beachgoer: Howdy!  (Shows a badge)

Badge Checker: (Stares at it closely) I don’t understand – this is a resident badge.

Beachgoer: Yes indeedy!  Moved here this past winter and been looking forward to finally going to the wonderful beach my taxes are paying for!  (Takes in the brief snippets of ocean between umbrellas and bodies, and sighs) This’ll be great!

Badge Checker: Well, have fun!

Beachgoer: Thanks – stay cool!  (Sets off at a brisk trot across the hot sand)

Badge Checker: (Watches as Beachgoer struggles to find a patch of sand to stake a claim) Poor naïve newb – you’ll learn.  (Sees a horde of badgeless bathers approaching) Ergh – no one for ages, then they all come at once.

In a school, students attending summer session work on their projects when a car full of post-adolescents drives by with loud music blaring.

Driver and Passengers: (All wearing swimsuits and leaning out the car windows to yell at the school) SUCKERS!!!  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Student: (Raises hand) Teacher?  Must The Tourists always declare that as they pass our academic institution?

Teacher: Forgive them, children, for one day you too may be The Tourists yourselves.

Students: (In understanding) Ohhhh….

They resume their work as Teacher stares wistfully out the window.

Teacher: As I myself was, long, long ago….

That night, one of the 200 ice cream parlors in the city has a never-ending line as the college-student employees struggle to keep up.

Employee: (Mutters while walking from the cash register back to the front counter and seeing the formless crowd that awaits) We really need a ticket system like a supermarket deli counter – (Louder) Next?!

Customer: Ooh, me!  (Looks intensely at the cases holding the different ice cream flavors) Ummm, let me think….

Employee: You’ve been on line for at least 10 minutes and there are several signs listing the choices on the way in.

Customer: I know, but I need to see them for myself… ummm… OK, could I have the peanut butter chocolate, please?

Employee: (Stifles a scream) That’s the carton that’s empty.

Customer: Oh, sorry!  None in the back, then?

Employee: It wouldn’t have stayed there long.

Customer: Gotcha.  (Starts looking at the flavors again) Ummmm….

Employee: (Looks up at the front door and sees the line outside has tripled) The one with peanut butter cups is similar if you want something like that.

Customer: (Finds that in the case) Um, nah, I’d want more chocolate ice cream, this one’s vanilla.  Ummmm....

Employee: (Sees the line has quadrupled) Would you like a few more minutes and I’ll serve you after the next – ?

Customer: Oooh, I got it!  Plain chocolate, please.

Employee: …Cone or cup?

Customer: Ummmm… which do you recommend?

Employee: Neither: we’re not allowed to influence customers’ decisions.

Customer: Oh, ummmm, cup then, please.

Employee: Small, medium, or large?

Customer: Definitely large – go all out when you’re on vacation, am-I-right?

Employee: Yeah.  (Creates the order and rings it up at the register; Customer adds a tip to the jar before Employee hands over the cup) Thank you – enjoy.

Customer: (Starting on the ice cream) Oh I will.  It must be hard working here, surrounded by all this yummy, yummy ice cream, so tempting!

Employee: (Stares out at the quintupled line of customers crowding the front door) Not especially, no.

In a supermarket, a shopper arrives with a full cart at the front register.

Cashier: (While ringing up the items) Oh, hi!  I haven’t seen you in a while, but I only just got switched back to nights recently.

Shopper: That’s a bummer.

Cashier: It’s OK, I requested it – summer daytime hours were getting to be too much with all the you-know-whos all over the place here; it’s actually rather peaceful working late nights while they’re off seafood-dinnering and ice-cream-sundaeing and miniature-golfing and bar-hopping and after-hours-pool-trespassing and after-hours-beach-trespassing and – yeah.

Shopper: Don’t I know it; why do you think I always shop here after 9 at night?

Cashier: Smart.  Dodge the crowds and no waiting on lines, either.

Shopper: Darn tootin’.

As the full moon shines down on the gatherings for movies-on-the-beach, diner cruises, casual strollers, cyclists out for one last thrill, and overtired children vainly struggling against the dreaded bedtime, the shift worker drives home from the restaurant covered in food detritus.

Worker: (Crawling through stop-and-go traffic on the main avenue) When am I gonna find time to vacuum the house now that I’ve got a double-shift tomorrow?  When’s my vacation from this vacation town?  I think I’ll book a getaway to the Pine Barrens.  (Stops as the traffic light changes again, balefully watches the crowd continuously surging toward the beach promenade, then looks up and sees the moon shining brightly over the soothing ocean waves) Ahhhhh…. It’s a view like this that makes it all worth it.  (A party parade suddenly appears in the middle of the street, club music blares from everywhere, and revelers dance around the cars that are now at a standstill.  Worker’s eyes glaze over while taking in the scene) And then, something like this happens.