(On a small beach, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs under an umbrella, facing a bay that eventually goes into an ocean)
Friend 1: (Gestures at the nearly empty beach around them) See? All the benefits of “The Beach”, with none of the hassle. None of the crowds, none of the traffic, none of the fees.
Friend 2: (After a few moments staring at the gently lapping waves) None of the lifeguards.
Friend 1: Which is why we’re not swimming.
Friend 2: None of the bathrooms.
Friend 1: Which is why you’re always supposed to go before you leave home.
Friend 2: None of the –
Friend 1: Listen, do you want the experience of “The Beach” without dealing with all that stuff in actually going to “The Beach”, or not?!
Friend 2: It’s just… kind of boring.
Friend 1: How so? Neither of us really swim at this point in our lives anyway, and we never surfed or paddle boarded or any of those major-athlete shenanigans, so how is this – (Gestures at the beach and water this time) any different?
Friend 2: I guess, but I’d still like the option to go swimming in the actual ocean, you know?
Friend 1: You stand in the shallows for five minutes and go back to reading under the umbrella for the rest of the time we’re there.
Friend 2: Still. The water’s just different, you know?
Friend 1: Salt water, fresh water, brackish water – cold is cold.
Friend 2: And I do kind of miss some of the crowds.
Friend 1: (Lowers sunglasses to stare at Friend 2 in disbelief) What?!
Friend 2: Well, mainly the kids playing in the sand, making their little castles that won’t last the day, or throwing small balls that always wind up lost at sea, or floating around with their boogie boards, that sort of thing.
Friend 1: You’re always complaining how loud they are and that they’re running around all over the place and ruining your vibe!
Friend 2: I do not.
Friend 1: Ha!
Friend 2: I do not! I think you’re confusing me with you.
Friend 1: Sure, I complain about them too, but at least I own it!
Friend 2: (Stares out at the water, brow furrowed in thought) Huh. Maybe I do complain about them more than I thought.
Friend 1: I’ll say no more. (Sips from a water bottle)
Friend 2: But still, it’s only early June now –
Friend 1: Summer has started for me, yes.
Friend 2: – so all those kids are still in school for another three weeks; couldn’t we have gone to an actual beach and still had peace and quiet? I mean, I thought that was the whole point of us taking time off and going on a weekday now instead of in summer proper, when everyone will be there, every day, all day long?
Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2 again) I am not paying $20 for the almost-exact same experience that I can get for free.
Friend 2: It’s $20 at that beach now?
Friend 1: Disgustingly, yes.
Friend 2: Per person?
Friend 1: Per car.
Friend 2: Oh, that makes more sense. What about other beaches?
Friend 1: Slightly less per person, but I wouldn’t put it past them to raise fees once again, in solidarity with everything else inflating.
Friend 2: Hm. Guess this really is the better option this time of year.
Friend 1: Darn tootin’. And another thing: the lifeguard beaches don’t even reduce fees for this lull month when most of the crowds aren’t there yet, so if they consider it to be summer now, then so do I.
Friend 2: Summer doesn’t start until June 21.
Friend 1: I said what I said.
(They stare out at the water some more)
Friend 2: I suppose I could stand in the water for five minutes here just as well as anywhere else.
Friend 1: Go for it.
Friend 2: (Points to a section farther down the beach) Ooh, and look! Seagulls, just like at a real beach!
Friend 1: This is a real beach!
Friend 2: You know what I mean.
Friend 1: (Picks up a trowel that was used to plant the umbrella) All right, would it make you feel better if you dig a massive hole in the sand and then immediately fill it in so you can have five seconds of childhood nostalgia?
Friend 2: Yes please. (Snatches the trowel out of Friend 1’s hand and starts digging a massive hole in glee).
Friend 1: (Opens a book to read) You know, you can thank me for the other experience that you’re also getting free of charge, and no true summer at “The Beach” is complete without.
Friend 2: (Stops digging to look back at Friend 1) Oh? And what magical summer experience is that?
Friend 1: Sand everywhere.