Story 644: Yoga on the Beach Can Be More Stressful Than You’d Think

             (On a beach at sunrise, Student 1 carries a beach towel and trots quickly over to a small group by the shoreline, where Teacher is facing away from the water and the other Students are facing toward the water; all are seated crossed-legged on beach towels, eyes closed and hands facing up on top of knees)

Student 1: (Waving to Teacher while tripping over the shifting sands) Hi!  Sorry – hi!  Sorry I’m late – the walk from the street to here was a lot longer than I thought.

Teacher: (Eyes still closed) No worries – (Gestures to an open binder on the sand nearby) you only missed a minute of meditation but your credit card will be charged the full amount regardless – please sign in and set up your towel anywhere you’d like, then join us in a few moments of stillness before class begins.

Student 1: (Bends down to sign the binder, then backs up while half-bowing several times and trying to avoid the other Students) Sorry – thank you – sorry – Namaste –

Teacher: That’s at the end.

Student 1: Right.  (Quickly opens up the towel and sets it down at the back of the group and rushes into lotus pose to match the others)

Teacher: (After another minute, opens eyes and stands; the rest follow) Now: let’s begin with a Sun Salutation.

(As the Students follow along with the sequences, a large beach cleaning machine noisily travels back-and-forth behind them in two-minute intervals)

Teacher: (Flows into Warrior 1 pose) Ignore that, and focus on the soothing sounds of the gentle ocean waves. 

(As the Students face the ocean during Warrior 1 pose, a jet boat plows across their view as it releases someone parasailing while screaming into the sky)

Teacher: (Flowing to Warrior 2 pose then to triangle pose) Maybe focus on the gulls instead.

(Laughing gulls sweep by close overhead; one neatly swoops down and snatches up a bagel that Student 2 had set on the edge of a towel)

Student 2: (Windmills arms to reach out while still half-upside-down in triangle pose and falls over) Hey!  That’s my breakfast!

Teacher: (Leading the rest of the Students to chair pose) One must secure one’s food at all times when one is one with Nature.

Student 2: (Grumbling while following the others from chair pose to Warrior 3 pose) One’s bagel being stolen sure means I’m out five ones.

(Beach cleaning machine gradually gets closer to the group on each pass as lifeguards run nearby before their shift starts)

Teacher: Now: this is a little tricky on sand, but try for tree pose wherever you can plant your right foot on your left leg; bring hands to prayer.

(Students try to place their right foot on their left ankle, knee, or thigh while standing; several fall over)

Teacher: (Standing straight and still with right foot on left thigh and hands together at heart level) Alas.

Head Lifeguard: (Blows a whistle to stop the jogging group right next to the yoga class) Here’s good: now drop and give me 50!

(Lifeguards drop and give 50 push-ups with loud effort)

Teacher: (Briefly gives Head Lifeguard a withering look, then addresses Students) Same flow, second side. 

(They repeat the previous flow on the opposite side and end at tree pose with the left foot on the right leg; several fall over again)

Teacher: (Standing straight and still with left foot on right thigh and hands together at heart level) Don’t punish yourselves.

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -----, party of six!  -----, party of six!>

Teacher: OK!  (Strains to be heard over the rumbling beach cleaning machine, laughing gulls, exercising lifeguards, and crackling loudspeaker) Time for some backbends.

Students: WHAT?!

Teacher: BACK!  BENDS!  Please.

(Teacher and Students lie on their backs on the towels and then go into bridge pose – a laughing gull suddenly flies through the small gaps that five students in a row have made with their bodies, cackling loudly)

Students 3 – 7: (Simultaneously drop back to the ground): AAAAAHHHHH!!!

Teacher: (Staring at the laughing gull now in the distance) I don’t believe it.  (To Students) PAY NO HEED TO ANY DISTRACTIONS –

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -------, party of 10!  -------, party of 10!>

Teacher: – AND TAKE THREE FIGURATIVE OCEAN BREATHS WHILE LISTENING TO THE ACTUAL OCEAN AS WE HOLD THIS POSE!

(Fallen Students resume the pose and everyone starts taking deep and regular breaths in, then out)

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -----, party of 22!  -----, party of 22!>

(Beach cleaning machine rumbles to a stop right behind the class)

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: (Leaning out the driver’s side window) You folks gonna be much longer here?  I gotta finish this section in the next five minutes.

Teacher: (Springs up to stand) YOU KNOW THIS CLASS ENDS AT 9 A.M. EVERY DAY, DUDE!

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: Yeeesh, I’ll come back later, then.  (Noisily continues down the beach past the group)

Teacher: (Gently lies back down on the towel as a noisy propeller plane with an ad banner flies low overhead) AND NOW, CORPSE POSE.

Students: (Simultaneously raise their heads) WHAT???!!!

Teacher: SHAVASANA!

Students: OH, OK.  (They abruptly lie flat, arms and legs relaxed on the ground and eyes closed)

Head Lifeguard: (Blows whistle again; to lifeguards) Burpees!  I want at least 75 burpees from all of you, in the high-tide surf!  (Lifeguards splash into the surf and starting jumping up and dropping down over and over in the water, churning up the waves)

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -----, party of 42!  -----, party of 42!>

(Jogger with a blaring radio runs through the gaps between the Students’ towels)

Jogger: (Singing along) <PARTY ONNNNN – ALL NIGHT LOOOOOONG!!!>

(A laughing gull lands on Student 1’s bare foot)

Student 1: (Head shoots up to stare at the sedate gull) Ummmm…. (Frantically tries to shake the gull off)

Teacher: (Lifts up head and sees the gull holding onto Student 1’s foot) For the love of – (Reaches into a bag, rips off a piece of bread, and throws it toward the water near the lifeguards; gull flies off Student 1’s foot and is joined by 10 other gulls that suddenly appear as they all noisily fight over the food scraps while avoiding the jumping lifeguards; to Student 1) YOU OK?

Student 1: (Shakily lies back down) I AM NOW, THANKS!

Teacher: GOOD.  (Also lies back down)

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < ------, party of 65!  ------, party of 65!>

Head Lifeguard: (Blows whistle again; to lifeguards) Run in place, in the water, five minutes, go!

(Lifeguards go splash-splash-splash-splash-)

(Beach cleaning machine pulls up behind the group from the opposite direction)

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: (Leans across the passenger seat to yell out the window) Got an ETA now?!

Teacher: (Quickly sits up to lotus pose with hands together at heart level; Students follow) BREATHE IN – BREATHE OUT – NAMASTE – DONE!  (Quickly stands; to Beach Cleaning Machine Driver) HAPPY??!!

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: (Sadly) Never.  (Resignedly continues the eternal circuit up-and-down the beach)

(Beachgoers in nearby areas start playing different types of music very loudly)

Teacher: (Hands gripped together tightly) THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME FOR SOME SERENITY THIS MORNING; I HOPE IT BROUGHT YOU SOME SEMBLANCE OF PEACE FOR THE DAY!

Student 8: You know –

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < ----, party of one!  ----, party of one!>

Student 8: – I’m actually feeling even more stressed out than when we started –

Teacher: NO REFUNDS!

Story 636: Summer Has Started Three Weeks Early

(On a small beach, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs under an umbrella, facing a bay that eventually goes into an ocean)

Friend 1: (Gestures at the nearly empty beach around them) See?  All the benefits of “The Beach”, with none of the hassle.  None of the crowds, none of the traffic, none of the fees.

Friend 2: (After a few moments staring at the gently lapping waves) None of the lifeguards.

Friend 1: Which is why we’re not swimming.

Friend 2: None of the bathrooms.

Friend 1: Which is why you’re always supposed to go before you leave home.

Friend 2: None of the –

Friend 1: Listen, do you want the experience of “The Beach” without dealing with all that stuff in actually going to “The Beach”, or not?!

Friend 2: It’s just… kind of boring.

Friend 1: How so?  Neither of us really swim at this point in our lives anyway, and we never surfed or paddle boarded or any of those major-athlete shenanigans, so how is this – (Gestures at the beach and water this time) any different?

Friend 2: I guess, but I’d still like the option to go swimming in the actual ocean, you know?

Friend 1: You stand in the shallows for five minutes and go back to reading under the umbrella for the rest of the time we’re there.

Friend 2: Still.  The water’s just different, you know?

Friend 1: Salt water, fresh water, brackish water – cold is cold.

Friend 2: And I do kind of miss some of the crowds.

Friend 1: (Lowers sunglasses to stare at Friend 2 in disbelief) What?!

Friend 2: Well, mainly the kids playing in the sand, making their little castles that won’t last the day, or throwing small balls that always wind up lost at sea, or floating around with their boogie boards, that sort of thing.

Friend 1: You’re always complaining how loud they are and that they’re running around all over the place and ruining your vibe!

Friend 2: I do not.

Friend 1: Ha!

Friend 2: I do not!  I think you’re confusing me with you.

Friend 1: Sure, I complain about them too, but at least I own it!

Friend 2: (Stares out at the water, brow furrowed in thought) Huh.  Maybe I do complain about them more than I thought.

Friend 1: I’ll say no more.  (Sips from a water bottle)

Friend 2: But still, it’s only early June now –

Friend 1: Summer has started for me, yes.

Friend 2: – so all those kids are still in school for another three weeks; couldn’t we have gone to an actual beach and still had peace and quiet?  I mean, I thought that was the whole point of us taking time off and going on a weekday now instead of in summer proper, when everyone will be there, every day, all day long?

Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2 again) I am not paying $20 for the almost-exact same experience that I can get for free.

Friend 2: It’s $20 at that beach now?

Friend 1: Disgustingly, yes.

Friend 2: Per person?

Friend 1: Per car.

Friend 2: Oh, that makes more sense.  What about other beaches?

Friend 1: Slightly less per person, but I wouldn’t put it past them to raise fees once again, in solidarity with everything else inflating.

Friend 2: Hm.  Guess this really is the better option this time of year.

Friend 1: Darn tootin’.  And another thing: the lifeguard beaches don’t even reduce fees for this lull month when most of the crowds aren’t there yet, so if they consider it to be summer now, then so do I.

Friend 2: Summer doesn’t start until June 21.

Friend 1: I said what I said.

(They stare out at the water some more)

Friend 2: I suppose I could stand in the water for five minutes here just as well as anywhere else.

Friend 1: Go for it.

Friend 2: (Points to a section farther down the beach) Ooh, and look!  Seagulls, just like at a real beach!

Friend 1: This is a real beach!

Friend 2: You know what I mean.

Friend 1: (Picks up a trowel that was used to plant the umbrella) All right, would it make you feel better if you dig a massive hole in the sand and then immediately fill it in so you can have five seconds of childhood nostalgia?

Friend 2: Yes please.  (Snatches the trowel out of Friend 1’s hand and starts digging a massive hole in glee).

Friend 1: (Opens a book to read) You know, you can thank me for the other experience that you’re also getting free of charge, and no true summer at “The Beach” is complete without.

Friend 2: (Stops digging to look back at Friend 1) Oh?  And what magical summer experience is that?

Friend 1: Sand everywhere.