(The sun rises,
shining into a living room window where a cactus plant sits on the ledge)
Cactus:
<Sigh. You’d think the Human would’ve
figured out by now that I get more hours of sunlight if I were on the west-facing
side of this place, but no. Times like
this almost make me wish I were fauna rather than flora so I could carry myself
on outta here.>
Bird: (Singing
while hopping along a tree branch right outside the window)
<Good-morning-Looking-for-a-date-Good-morning-Looking-for-a-date-Good-morning-Looking->
(Flies away)
Cactus:
<Inanity.>
(Human enters
carrying a watering can)
Human: (Trills)
Goooood moooorniiiiiing!!!
Cactus: <Oh
no, just what I don’t need.>
Human: (Waters
Cactus) I hope you’re having a lovely day!
Cactus: (Sputtering
through leaves) <Only if you don’t drown me!
Did you even look at the instructions for my care that your own
people stuck in my dirt?! I AM A DESERT
PLANT!>
Human: (Still watering)
Drink up, yum-yum-yum!
Cactus:
<Blergh. Just for that, I’m taking
extra air from you.> (Opens up stomata to the max)
Human: (Finishes
watering) Now don’t go anywhere – I’ll be right back with a surprise! (Leaves the room)
Cactus: <Wonderful. Maybe I can spontaneously evolve legs in the
next 10 seconds if I just concentrate really hard.>
(Several hours
later, Human re-enters carrying a potted ficus plant)
Human: Look who
I found to keep you company! (Plants the
plant right next to Cactus) Ta-da!
Ficus: (To
Cactus) <Hi there!>
Cactus: <Oh, Sun.>
Human: (Now
watering Ficus with the refilled watering can) Drink up, drink up, drink up, my
darling!
Ficus: (Gulping)
<Oh yes – that hits the spot – thank you, Mother!>
Cactus:
<Don’t kid yourself, kid; you’re a prisoner here as much as I am.>
Ficus:
<Huh?>
Human: (To
Cactus, while briefly touching a leaf) Now don’t think I love you any less just
because I brought in someone new to our home!
Cactus:
<Perish the thought. And don’t touch
me.>
Human: I’ll leave
you two to get acquainted – byeeeeeee!
(Waves and leaves the room again)
Ficus: <So,
I’ll start: I was born in a greenhouse and spent ages and ages there while my
brethren all around me were taken to their forever homes, but today Mother –
>
Cactus:
<Don’t call it that.>
Ficus:
<Uhhhhh, this human then, picked me!
Me, out of everyone else there! To
come to this wonderful place!>
Cactus:
<Uh-huh. You do realize we’re meant
to be in the actual ground, outdoors, yes?>
Ficus:
<Oh. Well, the humans at the greenhouse
often said we had a better chance being taken care of like this than if we were
outdoors where we might get wiped out to make way for a mall or a parking lot
or something like that.>
Cactus:
<Which are scenarios that they themselves are responsible for!>
Ficus:
<Oh. I guess. They’re not all bad, though.>
Cactus:
(Plant-equivalent of a snort)
Ficus: <And
anyway, I was brought to this nice new home, and I got to meet you! Ooh, and we’re facing east so we’ll get to
experience a glorious sunrise, every day!
Can life get any better than this?>
Cactus:
<Don’t talk to me.>
(That evening,
Human locks up the windows and pulls down the blinds)
Human: I hope
you two are getting along famously!
Ficus: <Oh
yes, Mother!>
Cactus:
<Rubbish.>
Human: Have a
good night, my lovelies! (Turns off the
light and leaves the room)
Ficus: <Well,
this has been an extremely exciting day!
Hope you don’t mind if I shut down for the night?>
Cactus: <Go
right ahead.>
Ficus:
<Great! We’re going to have such fun
tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and be the best of friends forever and
ever! Nighty-night!> (Immediate silence)
Cactus:
<Help….>
THE NEXT DAY
(Human enters
the room and opens the blinds and windows)
Human: Gooood
moooooorniiing! And how did we enjoy our
first night together, roomies? Did we –
oh my goodness, isn’t that utterly precious, you’re actually holding hands!
Cactus:
(Stirring awake) <Huh?> (Several Cactus and Ficus leaves are intertwined)
<How did this happen?>
Ficus: (Stirring
awake) <Oh hey, neat, we must’ve instinctually reached out to each other
during the night!>
Cactus: (Shaking
leaves) <Isn’t that great – now get off!>
Ficus:
<Heh-heh-heh, I think we’re stuck like this now.>
Cactus:
<What?!>
Human: (Holds up
a cell phone) Smile with your leaves!
(Takes a picture of the plants and starts typing) This is going out to
the entire world now – you’ll be digitally famous! So cute.
(Leaves the room)
Cactus:
<Monster.>
Ficus: (Starts
swaying both sets of leaves) <This is fun!>
Cactus:
<You’re making it worse!> (Tries
shaking off Ficus but only entwines them further)
Ficus: (Stops
swaying and settles back) <Aaah, now let’s just enjoy the sunrise and this
magnificent day.>
Cactus: <A
bit hard to do that at the moment.>
Ficus: (Notices
Bird hopping on the tree branch) <Well, good morning, Bird!>
Bird: (Singing)
<Good-morning-Can’t-stay-Need-a-date!>
(Flies away)
Ficus: <I love
birds – the little ones are so adorable, and helpful little pollinators to
boot.>
Cactus: <I
guess. My flowers only show up in winter
when those guys aren’t around, and they can’t get in here anyway so it’s a moot
point.>
Ficus: <For
us maybe, but not for our brethren.>
Cactus: <I
guess.>
Ficus: <This
is a lovely view, by the way. Trees,
grass, flowers, animals, insects – I was a little nervous I’d be brought to a
place with not much foliage nearby, which I would’ve been fine with anyway, but
this is very nice.>
Cactus:
<Huh. I never really thought about it
that way. You know, with all this in
front of us, and the fresh air and sunlight coming in, I almost feel like we’re
out there with them.>
Ficus: <Yes,
very nice.> (Gently shakes Cactus’s
leaves)
Cactus: <Don’t
push it, kid.>
Ficus:
<Gotcha.>
ONE YEAR LATER
(The house is
nearly empty as everything is packed up for a move)
Human: (Enters
with a cart) Gooood moooorniiing, lovelies!
Ficus: <Good
morning to you, too!>
Cactus: <Oh
no kid, this is it!>
Human: Now, I
saved you two for last since you’re the most delicate out of everything here,
but I think I figured out how to move you without separating you. (Gently picks up both pots so as not to
separate the multiple entwined leaves and sets them on the cart)
Cactus: (To
Ficus) <Don’t let go!>
Ficus: <No
worries, we’ve got this!> (As they
are wheeled out) <Good-bye, view!>
Cactus: <Oh
yeah – bye, view!>
Ficus: <And
don’t worry, if anything happens to us on the way, we can always join up again
in our new home.>
Cactus: <You
promise?>
Ficus: <As
much as a plant can promise anything in this life – our fates are a bit out of
our control.>
Cactus:
<Don’t I know it.>
(They are set in
the back seat of a car with multiple cardboard boxes on the seats and floor;
Human whistles while driving them away from the house)
Cactus: <I
hate change.>
Ficus: <That
you do. But at least we have each
other.>
Cactus:
<Yeah. You know, you may not have
noticed at the time, but I actually resented you a little when you were first
brought in.>
Ficus: <I
sensed that a bit, yes.>
Cactus:
<Well, now I’m glad you’re here as my life gets upheaved yet again.>
Ficus: (Holds up
entwined leaves) <Likewise.
Bestie?>
Cactus:
<Bestie.> (They shake leaves in
solidarity)
Human: (Looking
at them in the rearview mirror) So cute – you two doing all right back there?
Cactus: <They
always feel the need to insert themselves into the narrative, don’t they.>