Story 636: Summer Has Started Three Weeks Early

(On a small beach, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs under an umbrella, facing a bay that eventually goes into an ocean)

Friend 1: (Gestures at the nearly empty beach around them) See?  All the benefits of “The Beach”, with none of the hassle.  None of the crowds, none of the traffic, none of the fees.

Friend 2: (After a few moments staring at the gently lapping waves) None of the lifeguards.

Friend 1: Which is why we’re not swimming.

Friend 2: None of the bathrooms.

Friend 1: Which is why you’re always supposed to go before you leave home.

Friend 2: None of the –

Friend 1: Listen, do you want the experience of “The Beach” without dealing with all that stuff in actually going to “The Beach”, or not?!

Friend 2: It’s just… kind of boring.

Friend 1: How so?  Neither of us really swim at this point in our lives anyway, and we never surfed or paddle boarded or any of those major-athlete shenanigans, so how is this – (Gestures at the beach and water this time) any different?

Friend 2: I guess, but I’d still like the option to go swimming in the actual ocean, you know?

Friend 1: You stand in the shallows for five minutes and go back to reading under the umbrella for the rest of the time we’re there.

Friend 2: Still.  The water’s just different, you know?

Friend 1: Salt water, fresh water, brackish water – cold is cold.

Friend 2: And I do kind of miss some of the crowds.

Friend 1: (Lowers sunglasses to stare at Friend 2 in disbelief) What?!

Friend 2: Well, mainly the kids playing in the sand, making their little castles that won’t last the day, or throwing small balls that always wind up lost at sea, or floating around with their boogie boards, that sort of thing.

Friend 1: You’re always complaining how loud they are and that they’re running around all over the place and ruining your vibe!

Friend 2: I do not.

Friend 1: Ha!

Friend 2: I do not!  I think you’re confusing me with you.

Friend 1: Sure, I complain about them too, but at least I own it!

Friend 2: (Stares out at the water, brow furrowed in thought) Huh.  Maybe I do complain about them more than I thought.

Friend 1: I’ll say no more.  (Sips from a water bottle)

Friend 2: But still, it’s only early June now –

Friend 1: Summer has started for me, yes.

Friend 2: – so all those kids are still in school for another three weeks; couldn’t we have gone to an actual beach and still had peace and quiet?  I mean, I thought that was the whole point of us taking time off and going on a weekday now instead of in summer proper, when everyone will be there, every day, all day long?

Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2 again) I am not paying $20 for the almost-exact same experience that I can get for free.

Friend 2: It’s $20 at that beach now?

Friend 1: Disgustingly, yes.

Friend 2: Per person?

Friend 1: Per car.

Friend 2: Oh, that makes more sense.  What about other beaches?

Friend 1: Slightly less per person, but I wouldn’t put it past them to raise fees once again, in solidarity with everything else inflating.

Friend 2: Hm.  Guess this really is the better option this time of year.

Friend 1: Darn tootin’.  And another thing: the lifeguard beaches don’t even reduce fees for this lull month when most of the crowds aren’t there yet, so if they consider it to be summer now, then so do I.

Friend 2: Summer doesn’t start until June 21.

Friend 1: I said what I said.

(They stare out at the water some more)

Friend 2: I suppose I could stand in the water for five minutes here just as well as anywhere else.

Friend 1: Go for it.

Friend 2: (Points to a section farther down the beach) Ooh, and look!  Seagulls, just like at a real beach!

Friend 1: This is a real beach!

Friend 2: You know what I mean.

Friend 1: (Picks up a trowel that was used to plant the umbrella) All right, would it make you feel better if you dig a massive hole in the sand and then immediately fill it in so you can have five seconds of childhood nostalgia?

Friend 2: Yes please.  (Snatches the trowel out of Friend 1’s hand and starts digging a massive hole in glee).

Friend 1: (Opens a book to read) You know, you can thank me for the other experience that you’re also getting free of charge, and no true summer at “The Beach” is complete without.

Friend 2: (Stops digging to look back at Friend 1) Oh?  And what magical summer experience is that?

Friend 1: Sand everywhere.

Story 509: Off-Season Day at the Beach

(At a sparsely-populated beach on an extremely overcast day, Friend 1 trundles along a cart of supplies to a spot just above the continental shelf, then sets up a chair, towels, and large umbrella in ever-strengthening wind before stretching out on the chair with a book and a sigh)

Friend 1: So peaceful…. (Phone rings; Friend 1 digs through a huge bag of stuff to answer it) Mm-hello?

Friend 2: (On the phone) You know it’s supposed to start pouring rain there in less than an hour, right?

Friend 1: (Dons a pair of sunglasses) I choose to spend the last day of summer wringing every ounce of joy out of the primary place I associate with the season, yes.

Friend 2: Fall started around 3 a.m. this morning – last day of summer was yesterday.

Friend 1: Oh.  I thought it was sunset today?

Friend 2: Nope.

Friend 1: Drat.  Well, I had to work yesterday so I wouldn’t’ve been able to come here anyway.  This will be the last observed day of summer, then.

Friend 2: Suit yourself – don’t go swimming since there’re no lifeguards, and even if you just dip your toes in, watch out for the riptides.

Friend 1: Know what?  You’re really harshing my mellow, good-bye.  (Moves to end the call)

Friend 2: And still put on sunscreen – (Call is disconnected)

Friend 1: (Dumps the phone into the bag and ratchets the chair back another notch) Now, where were we…?  (Begins to doze off)

(Surfers drift over through the waves in Friend 1’s view, hovering in that area and continuously getting wiped out)

Surfers: Again!

(A lone lifeguard patrols the beach, blowing the whistle at everyone knee-deep and higher in the water)

Lifeguard: (Several feet away from Friend 1, tweets long and loud and points at a swimmer who is several waves away from the shore) YOU!  OUT!

Swimmer: (Paddles over) But I thought the swimmer on the flags meant we could swim here!

Lifeguard: There’s a line right through it!  And it’s red!  And summer’s over!  And there are no lifeguard stations spaced at regular intervals anywhere!  Or lifeguards!  Is this your first day ever on a beach?!

Swimmer: (Finally out of the water) If there are no lifeguards, who are you, then?

Lifeguard: The remnant left to scoop up twits like you!  (Sees the surfers and blows the whistle at them) ALL OF YOU!  SKEDADDLE!  AND RIGHT BY THE ROCKS, NO LESS!  EVERYONE HERE WANTS TO BE LOST AT SEA, I JUST KNOW IT!

Surfers: Chill, fellow beach lover!

(The shouting match drifts inland as the surfers follow the lifeguard away from the water; in the now-empty space, four terns land by Friend 1)

Friend 1: No food – shoo.

Tern 1: (Cackles wildly) <We can smellllll itttttt….>

Tern 2: (Hops closer to Friend 1’s huge bag) <Let me at it – Let me at it – >

(A huge seagull then lands heavily right where Tern 1 is standing, bumping the latter off to the side)

Seagull: <Outta my way, pipsqueak; I want that spot.>

Tern 1: <Oh come on, you have literally the entire beach to stand on!>

Seagull: <Yeah, and I wanna stand here.  Whatcha gonna do about it, huh, wee one?>

Tern 1: <Well, as you may not have noticed, right now there is only one of you, and about 15 and counting of us.>

Seagull: (Side-eyes the growing number of terns landing in a surrounding circle) < …Spot just got boring.>  (Flies off as terns give a battle cry and fly in pursuit)

Friend 1: (Takes out a sandwich) Final–

(A human couple who had been strolling hand-in-hand along the water stop in front of Friend 1’s view; one turns to the other, drops to one knee, and holds up an open ring box while the other immediately bursts into tears)

Proposer: Love of my life, will you –

Friend 1: (In mid-chew) No!  None of that mush right in my sightline of the ocean!  Move along 50 feet to one side or the other, as long as it’s out of my radius!

Proposee: But we need a witness to our magical moment!

Friend 1: (Points to the water) There’s a dolphin over there who I’m sure is more than happy to oblige!

(The two briskly trot to another spot 50 feet away and resume their previous positions)

Proposer: Love of my life, will you –

Proposee: Yes-yes-just-give-me-the-ring-and-you!

Friend 1: (Resumes eating) If I’d wanted a rom-com, I’d’ve brought a TV with me.

(A beachgoer with a metal detector crosses in front of Friend 1, stops suddenly when the detector starts making a lot of noise, throws it aside, and begins shoveling wildly)

Beachgoer: This is it!  I just know it!

Friend 1: No it isn’t!  Decamp!

Beachgoer: (Still shoveling, now in a large hole) But the mother lode is right here!  The detector never lies!

Lifeguard: (Runs over, blowing the whistle shrilly) Hey!  There’s no digging on the beach unless you’re making an impermanent sand castle!

Beachgoer: (Now only head and shoulders above the sand, still shoveling) This isn’t digging, it’s excavating!

Lifeguard: That’s even worse!

Beach Patrol Officer: (Appeared on the scene in the meantime; to Beachgoer) Stop what you’re doing and get out of there now.

Beachgoer: (Strikes something hard at the bottom of the hole) Ooh, I’ve reached buried treasure at last!  (Raises a metal box aloft just in time for Beach Patrol Officer to slap on a pair of handcuffs, then hoist Beachgoer out of the hole with Lifeguard’s assistance)

Lifeguard: (Releases Beachgoer, then stares down at the massive hole) I hope this is an easy fix – I’d hate to see the beach preservation society members start crying again.

Beachgoer: (Still holding onto the box and trying not to be moved along by Beach Patrol Officer) Wait, I have to know what’s inside!

Beach Patrol Officer: Stolen property, that’s what.

(The two begin a tug-of-war over the box until the terns return very noisily to dive-bomb it)

Terns: <Food!  Food!  Food!  Food!>

Seagull: (Swoops in to knock away a few terns) <Gimme!>

Beachgoer: (Still holding onto the box as Beach Patrol Officer and Lifeguard try to shoo away the birds) Thieves!  Finders keepers, that’s the rule!

Friend 1: (Stares through everyone to the ocean beyond as the battle rages on with sand being kicked all around and wings and legs and arms flying all over the place while the human yelling and the bird screaming increase in pitch ever higher as the pouring rain begins) So…peaceful….