(In
a department store, Coworker 2 is yawning at the customer service desk as
Coworker 1 arrives)
Coworker
1: Gooooood morning! And how are we this
fine day?
Coworker
2: (Blinks groggily at Coworker 1) I’m sorry, did you come to the right
building?
Coworker
1: Silly-billy! (Inhales deeply and
exhales resoundingly) Ahhhh, isn’t it such a joy to be alive? (Begins sorting through reshelves that are
piled in large towers around them)
Coworker
2: Are you sure you know you’re at work and not, I don’t know, the Bahamas, or
the Alps, or the amusement park? The
store just opened and we’re already 10 years behind in projects, plus we have
to start prepping for inventory at some point this afternoon, or did you forget
that monstrosity as well?
Coworker 1: Oh, inventory: what a great process
to ensure our records match up with our stock.
(A bus-load of children enter the store) Oooh, young ones! How their enthusiasm and destructive behavior
revitalize my soul!
Coworker
2: (Grabs items out of Coworker 1’s hands and slams them messily onto the
counter) All right, spill it: did you take something before you clocked in
today? As in, something harmfully
joy-inducing?
Coworker
1: Whatever do you mean, ol’ chum of mine?
Coworker
2: You’re never this happy when you’re here, and all of a sudden you’re
treating this place like it’s Heaven.
And we are not friends, at all – you barely say “Hi” and “Bye” to me
each day, and the feeling’s mutual. Are
you dying and just now appreciating life in all its glory?
Coworker
1: Wow, that took a turn – no, I just feel so much better after doing an
experiment during my days off this week.
Coworker
2: An experiment-al substance?
Coworker
1: Ew, no. Look, you know pretty much
everybody sleeps terribly, right?
Coworker
2: I’d be the first to say “Yes”: I could keel over right now, but I’d probably
whack my head on the counter on the way down.
Coworker
1: Yeah, we all stay up way too late or have obstructed breathing or watch blue
light way too long or all these things combined, so we don’t recharge our
batteries properly and leave the door wide open for all sorts of other
illnesses and conditions to just waltz on in.
Not to mention our productivity’s out the window, but I don’t really
care about that part.
Coworker
2: (Prolonged yawn) Sorry, I’m actually listening and that’s what inspired
me. So what’d you do?
Coworker
1: So, these past few days, I finally told myself that enough was too much, and
I completely changed my sleep schedule.
Coworker
2: Oh, you mean you actually go to bed at a decent time and sleep the recommended
seven-and-a-half-to-eight hours a night?
Coworker
1: Better: I read an article that said that sleeping eight hours straight is
unnatural and only came about because of the longer working hours during the
Industrial Revolution, and we should be more like cats and sleep at intervals
throughout the day instead. So, now I’m
a polyphasic sleeper and nap for 30 minutes every six hours, and I’ve never
felt better in my entire life.
Coworker
2: Wow, that’s… really impractical. How
do you get anything done if you keep having to stop to nap?
Coworker
1: Surprisingly easily, considering that I’m now awake 22 hours a day. It just takes a little creativity, and
everything falls into place. I nap, wake
up, do what I have to do for hours, nap again, wake up again, on and on. And I feel absolutely refreshed each and
every time.
Coworker
2: Yeah, but what if you’re out somewhere doing… something? Or here, even: your shift’s eight hours long!
Coworker
1: Way ahead of you: I arranged with management to stick my meal break at the
end of my shift, so when I’m done I’ll go nap in the car and the manager’ll
clock me out later.
Coworker
2: I guess, but won’t you get hungry if you don’t stop to actually eat? And that also doesn’t seem safe – have you
seen who hangs out in the parking lot here?
Coworker
1: It’s OK: when I set the alarm, the outside of the car’s electrified.
Coworker
2: What?
Coworker
1: I also locate perfect napping locations wherever I go now, too – I really
should also locate at least two exits, but I can’t retain that much
information.
Coworker
2: I don’t know, this doesn’t seem sustainable in the long run. What if you can’t fall asleep right away, and
blow past your 30 minutes – or your body really does need more than two
hours of sleep a day?!
Coworker
1: I fall asleep at the drop of a hat, and you can’t argue with the results! (There is a loud crash towards the back of the
store, followed by multiple sets of tears) Aw, a crisis – I’ll get it! (Skips away)
Coworker
2: (Slumps across the counter and yawns again) Still think you’re on something.
2:00 A.M. THE
FOLLOWING DAY
Coworker
2: (Awoken by the phone ringing, fumbles with the bedside lamp and phone, then
answers) Buh-lo?
Coworker
1: Howdy-howdy-howdy! I just had a
brainstorm for how we can handle the clearance displays later this week – want
to meet up for coffee to go over all that?
Coworker
2: …Now?
Coworker
1: No time like the present!
Coworker
2: But I’m presently sleeping.
Coworker
1: Not anymore! Now you can try out my
theory and see how much better you’ll feel all the rest of your days!
Coworker
2: You woke me up during a dream where my celebrity crush was holding my hand
and telling me everything was going to be OK.
I felt so at peace with the world.
Coworker
1: And?
Coworker
2: And now I hate you forever. Also, I
think you should check with a doctor before embarking on such a drastic health
regime. And on that note, I will forgive
you for your dream interruption if you forgive me for – (Disconnects the call)
Coworker
1: (Also disconnects, and resumes yoga practice) All visionaries encounter
resistance.
