Showing posts with label polyphasic sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label polyphasic sleep. Show all posts

Thursday, February 27, 2020

Story 330: Trying a New Sleep Schedule


          (In a department store, Coworker 2 is yawning at the customer service desk as Coworker 1 arrives)
            Coworker 1: Gooooood morning!  And how are we this fine day?
            Coworker 2: (Blinks groggily at Coworker 1) I’m sorry, did you come to the right building?
            Coworker 1: Silly-billy!  (Inhales deeply and exhales resoundingly) Ahhhh, isn’t it such a joy to be alive?  (Begins sorting through reshelves that are piled in large towers around them)
           Coworker 2: Are you sure you know you’re at work and not, I don’t know, the Bahamas, or the Alps, or the amusement park?  The store just opened and we’re already 10 years behind in projects, plus we have to start prepping for inventory at some point this afternoon, or did you forget that monstrosity as well?
           Coworker 1: Oh, inventory: what a great process to ensure our records match up with our stock.  (A bus-load of children enter the store) Oooh, young ones!  How their enthusiasm and destructive behavior revitalize my soul!
           Coworker 2: (Grabs items out of Coworker 1’s hands and slams them messily onto the counter) All right, spill it: did you take something before you clocked in today?  As in, something harmfully joy-inducing?
             Coworker 1: Whatever do you mean, ol’ chum of mine?
            Coworker 2: You’re never this happy when you’re here, and all of a sudden you’re treating this place like it’s Heaven.  And we are not friends, at all – you barely say “Hi” and “Bye” to me each day, and the feeling’s mutual.  Are you dying and just now appreciating life in all its glory?
          Coworker 1: Wow, that took a turn – no, I just feel so much better after doing an experiment during my days off this week.
            Coworker 2: An experiment-al substance?
            Coworker 1: Ew, no.  Look, you know pretty much everybody sleeps terribly, right?
            Coworker 2: I’d be the first to say “Yes”: I could keel over right now, but I’d probably whack my head on the counter on the way down.
           Coworker 1: Yeah, we all stay up way too late or have obstructed breathing or watch blue light way too long or all these things combined, so we don’t recharge our batteries properly and leave the door wide open for all sorts of other illnesses and conditions to just waltz on in.  Not to mention our productivity’s out the window, but I don’t really care about that part.
            Coworker 2: (Prolonged yawn) Sorry, I’m actually listening and that’s what inspired me.  So what’d you do?
            Coworker 1: So, these past few days, I finally told myself that enough was too much, and I completely changed my sleep schedule.
           Coworker 2: Oh, you mean you actually go to bed at a decent time and sleep the recommended seven-and-a-half-to-eight hours a night?
            Coworker 1: Better: I read an article that said that sleeping eight hours straight is unnatural and only came about because of the longer working hours during the Industrial Revolution, and we should be more like cats and sleep at intervals throughout the day instead.  So, now I’m a polyphasic sleeper and nap for 30 minutes every six hours, and I’ve never felt better in my entire life.
          Coworker 2: Wow, that’s… really impractical.  How do you get anything done if you keep having to stop to nap?
            Coworker 1: Surprisingly easily, considering that I’m now awake 22 hours a day.  It just takes a little creativity, and everything falls into place.  I nap, wake up, do what I have to do for hours, nap again, wake up again, on and on.  And I feel absolutely refreshed each and every time.
            Coworker 2: Yeah, but what if you’re out somewhere doing… something?  Or here, even: your shift’s eight hours long!
            Coworker 1: Way ahead of you: I arranged with management to stick my meal break at the end of my shift, so when I’m done I’ll go nap in the car and the manager’ll clock me out later.
            Coworker 2: I guess, but won’t you get hungry if you don’t stop to actually eat?  And that also doesn’t seem safe – have you seen who hangs out in the parking lot here?
            Coworker 1: It’s OK: when I set the alarm, the outside of the car’s electrified.
            Coworker 2: What?
           Coworker 1: I also locate perfect napping locations wherever I go now, too – I really should also locate at least two exits, but I can’t retain that much information.
           Coworker 2: I don’t know, this doesn’t seem sustainable in the long run.  What if you can’t fall asleep right away, and blow past your 30 minutes – or your body really does need more than two hours of sleep a day?!
            Coworker 1: I fall asleep at the drop of a hat, and you can’t argue with the results!  (There is a loud crash towards the back of the store, followed by multiple sets of tears) Aw, a crisis – I’ll get it!  (Skips away)
          Coworker 2: (Slumps across the counter and yawns again) Still think you’re on something.

2:00 A.M. THE FOLLOWING DAY

            Coworker 2: (Awoken by the phone ringing, fumbles with the bedside lamp and phone, then answers) Buh-lo?
          Coworker 1: Howdy-howdy-howdy!  I just had a brainstorm for how we can handle the clearance displays later this week – want to meet up for coffee to go over all that?
            Coworker 2: …Now?
            Coworker 1: No time like the present! 
            Coworker 2: But I’m presently sleeping.
           Coworker 1: Not anymore!  Now you can try out my theory and see how much better you’ll feel all the rest of your days!
            Coworker 2: You woke me up during a dream where my celebrity crush was holding my hand and telling me everything was going to be OK.  I felt so at peace with the world.
            Coworker 1: And?
            Coworker 2: And now I hate you forever.  Also, I think you should check with a doctor before embarking on such a drastic health regime.  And on that note, I will forgive you for your dream interruption if you forgive me for – (Disconnects the call)
         Coworker 1: (Also disconnects, and resumes yoga practice) All visionaries encounter resistance.