(In a trailer on
a movie set, Actor 1 preps in front of a large mirror)
Actor 1: (To
Mirror) OK, Champ, get this scene right and your fans’ll swoon forever. Mess it up, they’ll think you’re a goofball
and end your career. (Narrows eyes at
mirror) Why am I even talking to you about this – you’re a piece of furniture. (There is a knock on the door; in a sing-song
voice) Who is it?
Actor 2: Your
co-star – can I talk to you for a minute?
Actor 1: Umm,
OK. (Actor 2 enters) You know, we have the
scene today: you really shouldn’t see the bride before the wedding,
heh-heh-heh.
Actor 2: Yeah,
about that. (Drops a copy of the large script
onto the makeup table) I assume you’ve read it by now.
Actor 1: Why
yes, we’ve all read it by now; I was at the table read.
Actor 2: I
meant, really read it. As in,
completely memorized it?
Actor 1:
(Fidgets with a blush applicator) Oh, well, today’s just for blocking where our
feet and other bits’ll go –
Actor 2: No, it
isn’t, our awesome leader wants it done by end-of-day. As in, ready for post and no reshoots.
Actor 1: (Drops
the applicator) What? But – not even a
walk-through? We’re still doing reshoots
on everything else; we’ve barely even acknowledged this scene exists yet; why
isn’t today like any other day-in-the-life?
Actor 2:
Director hates love scenes and wants it finished as quick as possible.
Actor 1: They’re
the one who wrote it! (Picks up the
script) And, I have to say, this has to be the wordiest love scene ever
written, in any medium. By the way, I’ve
never actually filmed one of these before, so I’m a little nervous.
Actor 2: Don’t
be: there’ll be a bajillion crew members watching, they take forever to film,
and you spend half the time waiting for the cameras and lights to be reset. So you’re telling me you haven’t memorized
the lines yet?
Actor 1: Well,
no; honestly, I’ve been putting it off, it’s just so – word-heavy.
Actor 2: Yeah,
I’ve been having trouble with it, too.
Every time I think I’ve got it down, it turns out I forgot a page. Whelp – (Scoops up the script) nothing for it
except to get through it. See you in
20. (Leaves the trailer)
Actor 1:
Wait! (Runs to the door and sticks head
out) What if I’m not, you know – (Whispers) in the mood in 20?
Actor 2: Pretend
you’re somebody who is – that’s our job.
Actor 1: True;
cheers.
(Twenty minutes
later, a bajillion crew members have set up a fake hill in front of a fake
sunset)
Director: All
right everyone, let’s get this over with – the only reason we’re even doing
this scene is `cause the executive producer insists on the hot leads making out
in every movie.
Actor 1: What?!
Director: (Sits
in a chair) Places!
(Actors 1 and 2
find their marks)
Actor 2: (To
Director) I was thinking – you mind if we try going with the moment on this,
you know, trimming a bit if we feel our characters can’t find the words –
Director: You
will read every single word I wrote or you’ll hear from The Guild, is that
clear?
Actor 2: Loud
and.
Director: (To
Actor 1) You: throw that away somewhere.
Actor 1:
This? (Holds up a script covered in
highlighter and notes) Um, is it OK if I set it on this large rock right over
here –
Director: Get it
out of the shot!
Actor 1:
Gone! (Tosses the script off to the
side, nearly taking out a crew member) Sorry!
Director: Never
mind that – places, again! Don’t make me
repeat myself, again! (Actors 1 and 2
find their marks again) All right, you two better have the love literally pour
off the screen, and Action!
Actor 1: (Starts
to turn toward Director) Wha – ?
Actor 2: (Turns
Actor 1’s face back) “Why did you follow me out here?”
Actor 1:
Oh. “Don’t you know?”
Actor 2: (Walks
slightly away downstage) “No, I don’t understand; I don’t understand anything
anymore, everything in my life is so out of control lately, what with The War
and all.”
Actor 1: “Ah
yes. The War.”
Actor 2: “And
the labor organizers protesting at Father’s factory, threatening to blow up the
works when all they want is a good vision plan for once – I sympathize,
but when I have to cross the picket line to work on the production line just to
keep the place running – oh, I just don’t know what’s right anymore.”
Actor 1: (Places
a hand on Actor 2’s shoulder) “I understand.
I feel for you every time I have to shake my protest sign in your face,
knowing we are on opposite sides of every type of moral, political, social,
religious, and spiritual issue, but – ”
Director: You
forgot “philosophical.”
Actor 1:
(Winces) Ah, shoot.
Director: Go
back to “knowing.”
Actor 1: (Looks
up to remember) Uh, uh, OK: “Knowing we are on opposite sides of every type of
moral, political, social, philosophical, religious, and spiritual issue, but
you must also know The Truth.”
Actor 2: (Turns
to face Actor 1, who drops hand) “And what Truth is that? The Truth that we are all alone in the
universe? That we are all alone on this
planet, even though we are surrounded by billions of our fellows? That two people can know everything about
each other and yet still be strangers?
That – that – that – ” Line?
Director: (Makes
a sound of disgust) “That two people can never really know what the other is
thinking?”
Actor 2: (Nods
quickly) “That two people can never really know what the other is thinking?”
Actor 1:
“Surely, you must know what I am thinking?”
Actor 2:
“Surely, I do not.”
Actor 1: “Take a
guess.”
Actor 2: “I have
no idea.”
Actor 1: “Not
even a tiny inkling?”
Actor 2: “Not
even a little bit.”
Actor 1: “Need
me to spell it out for you, then?”
Actor 2: “Please
speak plainly; I cannot bear circumlocution.”
Actor 1: “And I
cannot bear the thought of you…” um, “you…” um, “you – ”
Director:
“Living one more second”!
Actor 1: “And I
cannot bear the thought of you living one more second without knowing The
Truth!”
Actor 2: “And
what Truth is that?” (Actor 1 slightly
shakes head) “The Truth that we are – ”
Director: You
already did that part!
Actor 2: Oh
right – line?
Director: Did
you guys memorize this or not?
Actor 2: I don’t
think that’s what comes next.
Actor 1: We did
memorize it, but we thought today would be more for blocking –
Director: You
are finishing this scene today if it takes all night! (Crew members groan) Oh pipe down – you get
overtime. Me, I get a five-figure pittance,
so you two “lovebirds” had better get on the ball and sell this thing,
ASAP! Now, back to “The Truth”!
Actor 2: OK,
here we go. (Shakes out arms and stamps
feet a few times) “And what Truth is – ”
Director: No!
Actor 2: “What
is it?! Tell me!”
Actor 1: “That
I, for the past seven and two-thirds years, have adored you, worshipped you,
treasured you, loved you from afar, so far afar, beyond all the
mountains, all the trees, all the oceans, all the tributaries, all the – (Bites
lower lip) canyons, all the – savannahs, all the – glaciers, all the – the – ”
Actor 2: (Nods
encouragingly) “Fjords”?
Actor 1: Yes!
Director:
[Grinds teeth]
Actor 2: “All
the fjords, all the archipelagos! I
could go on, but when my heart is full of emotion, words fail me.” (Falls to one knee and grasps Actor 2’s
hands) “My darling, my sweet, my angel, do not answer if the answer is ‘No,’
but if the answer is ‘Yes’ will you say it so?”
Director: Ugh, didn’t
realized that rhymed – I’ll cut the last bit.
Proceed.
Actor 2: “Oh, my
darling, my sweet, my angel, with all my full heart the answer is ‘Yes!’” (Leans in to kiss Actor 1)
Director: You
skipped a page!
Actor 2: Oh
drat, I did it again.
Actor 1: Can we
take a break? I’m just not feeling it.
Actor 2: Excuse
me?!
Actor 1:
(Hisses) You know it’s not you!
Actor 2: Right,
sorry.
Director: No
breaks! We are finishing this, do you
hear me?!
Actor 1: Sure
thing! Line?
Director: You –
! (Phone rings) I hate my life. (Answers the phone) What do you want?!...
Uh-huh…. Uh-huh…. Uh-huh…. OK, thanks, love you too, bye. (Disconnects the call and stands) All right
everyone, strike the set: scene’s been cut.
Actors 1 and 2:
WHAT?!
Director: Movie
runtime’s too long; love scene’s first to go.
Take your precious break and be ready to do the volcano rescue sequence
in an hour. (Stomps off as crew members
begin tearing down the hill and sunset)
Actor 2: (To
Actor 1) Well, that’s a relief. I have
to admit I was focused on the lines so much that I really just wasn’t feeling
it, either.
Actor 1: Good
thing it got cut, then. The relationship
itself made no sense: the scene could’ve had 10,000 lines and still no one
would’ve bought it.
