“That’s it! This year, I’m not doing anything for Christmas! And that includes the entire month of December and post-Thanksgiving November!”
“OK, Scrooge.”
“Listen, I’m not doing this to be mean, greedy, and selfish; I’m just taking a year off from the rat race that is ‘The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.’”
“How do you mean?”
“I’m tired of running around 10 times more than I already run around on a daily basis! This year, I don’t want to spend half my paycheck and all my free time shopping for presents that aren’t for me! Or wrapping and decorating and lighting and baking and caroling, all for other people! Or sitting through concerts I don’t even know how I got invited to support featuring people I don’t even know! Or sludging through traffic for hundreds of miles to visit people who don’t want to be there, either!”
“I’m sure they actually do want to – ”
“Stress!”
“Oh, you’re still going.”
“So much stress, and for what?!”
“Well, goodwill toward – ”
“No! This year, I’m going to take care of me for a change: no extra trips, no extra expenses, no extra time I’ll never get back, no extra demands on my attention or affection, just blissful peace and quiet! A humdrum season, and a serene day off from work!”
“OK, go for it.”
“I – wait, seriously?”
“You seem to really need it, so do it. You take care of you.”
“Oh. I figured I’d get more pushback.”
“You’ve already revved yourself up enough; no need for me to add to it.”
WEEK 1
“Hi! So, we’re having the Office Holiday Party next Thursday – ”
“Nope! Spending that night soaking in a bubble bath while listening to smooth jazz.”
“Oh. We’re taking contributions for food and doing a Secret Santa, though.”
“Even more reason for me to keep my date with the bath.”
WEEK 2
“Here: I got you a little something for Christmas.”
“Please keep it: I’m not giving anyone anything this year, and I expect the same.”
“Oh. It’s OK, you don’t have to get me anything – ”
“I refuse both the gift and the guilt. I also refuse to see the interior of a mall or any kind of retail store for the next six weeks.”
“Wow. I think I’m kind of jealous – whoever thought you could just not shop this time of year?”
“I did.”
WEEK 3
“What’s this about you not coming to your cousins’ house this Christmas?!”
“Ah yes, I’ve been expecting this call: I will convey my love and regards to everyone in the entire family and assurances that this is not a reflection upon them, but otherwise no one will see my face or hear my voice this Yuletide. I reject the whole ordeal this year, and you all have my permission to trash-talk me behind my back the entire day.”
“If you don’t show up, I’m – going to be extremely disappointed.”
“That is unfortunate, but unavoidable.”
“Well, just know that we most certainly are going to talk about you behind your back, but we still love you no matter what.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
CHRISTMAS DAY
“Hello?”
“Merry Christmas! I know you’re in isolation mode, but I had to ask: how’s the serenity?”
“Merry Christmas to you, too! Yes, while I’m sure you’re currently in Hour 3 of your trek to Grandmother’s House where chaos awaits, I am relaxing on my couch in fluffy pajamas, sipping a cup of hot cocoa, listening to perennial favorites on the radio, and facing an entire day free from the Christmas Onslaught and all its trimmings.”
“Great! You’re right, we’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic and heading for a house filled with 50 humans and 20 cats, dogs, and birds; I’m exhausted already. So, your set-up sounds like it’s exactly what you wanted: absolute peace and quiet. How does it feel?”
“…Kind of boring, actually.”
