Story 398: Time for the Mastodon Check

 (On a park trail)

Friend 1: – and that’s the last time I’m getting that emotionally involved in a TV series ever again: after years of teasing, the showrunners basically gave the fans what we wanted with one hand, then punched us in the face with the other.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  We all tell ourselves that, right up until the moment we do it all over again with the next show that sucks us in.

Friend 1: Of course.

(They walk for several seconds in silence)

Friend 2: Heh-heh – mastodon check.

Friend 1: I… don’t think I’ve ever heard two words strung together that made less sense then what you uttered just now.  Is my brain finally breaking down?

Friend 2: No, I’m just making a joke: someone once told me that “mastodon check” refers back to when our prehistoric ancestors hadn’t conquered Earth yet and still lived among larger creatures that could regularly pick them off, so they’d have to constantly be aware of what was around them when out hunter-gathering.  So present-day, when there’s a lull in conversation about every 20 minutes, it’s supposedly our instincts kicking in for us to look out that no giant hungry creatures like mastodons have snuck up on us while we were chit-chatting.

Friend 1: Oh.  Should we be looking for them, then?

Friend 2: …No, they’ve been extinct for quite some time.

Friend 1: Oh good.  For a minute there I thought one’d come out of the woods and eat us.

 Friend 2: You’re probably just hearing the deer – all you’d have to worry about from them coming out of the woods is running you over.

Friend 1: Yeah, that’d be a bummer.  You know, this whole thing about Neanderthals and woolly mammoths –

Friend 2: Mastodons.

Friend 1: – sounds like an interesting social experiment I’d like to try out.

Friend 2: I don’t like the sound of that.

Friend 2: Don’t worry, it’ll be purely observational.  It’ll be interesting to see how primitive we as a species still are and always will be.

Friend 2: I’d keep that observation to yourself.

 THE NEXT DAY

 (At an office, Friend 1 is in a conference room with several coworkers)

Coworker 1: OK, I think that’s it – meeting adjourned.  (Everyone starts to leave)

Friend 1: Wait a minute, shouldn’t we all –

Coworker 1: What?  Get out of here?  Yes.

Friend 1: – hang back for a few minutes?  We buzzed right through that meeting and there were no pauses whatsoever.

Coworker 2: Darn tootin’ – I hate meetings.

Friend 1: So, we have a few more minutes, and we should just, you know, take a breather.

Coworker 1: (Looks at cell phone) Yeah, OK, I’ve got a few before my next meeting.

Coworker 3: Another meeting?

Coworker 1: They’re all I seem to do lately.

Coworker 2: I hate meetings.

Coworker 1: Yes, we established that – I think you’ll find few who don’t.

Coworker 4: I miss when they’d serve food at these things.

The Rest: Yeah.

(They all sigh, then stare at the table in silence for several seconds)

Friend 1: (Whispers) Mastodon check….

Coworker 1: What?

Friend 1: I said, look at the time, gotta go, bye!  (Runs out of the room)

Coworker 3: (Yelling after Friend 1) But this was your idea!

 THE NEXT DAY

 (In a restaurant, Friend 1 is at dinner with a date)

Date: I told myself I’d never do online dating, but with everything going on lately, I figured, why not, eh?

Friend 1: (Nodding intensely while keeping an eye on one arm, sporting a wristwatch, stretched out on the table) Uh-huh, uh-huh, well, one needs to keep busy, doesn’t one, right?

Date: (Eyes dart over to Friend 1’s arm) Doooo you need to head out somewhere soon?

Friend 1: Huh?

Date: (Points to the watch) I don’t want to keep you.

Friend 1: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Date: Oh-kay.  (Drinks some water while looking around the restaurant)

Friend 1: Ha!  Twenty minutes!

Date: Excuse me?

Friend 1: Oh, I guess it doesn’t count if it’s more of an awkward pause than a natural lull.

Date: I feel like we’re having two different conversations here.

Friend 1: Sorry, don’t mind me, just doing a mental reset…. (Stares at the watch to memorize the new time)

Date: Maybe I should just ask for the check.

Friend 1: (Looks up suddenly) The mastodon check?!

Date: What?

Friend 1: What?

 THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 1 is at a family cook-out; relatives are standing around holding plates because all the tables are filled with the food being served)

Relative 1: (To Relative 2) Look, we’re never going to agree on this, so we might as well change the subject.  Wanna talk about politics instead?

Relative 2: YES!

Friend 1: (Walks over to them, holding a plate of food in one hand and a watch in the other) Excuse me, how long have you two been talking together?

Relative 2: About five minutes, why?

Friend 1: Drat, thought it was longer.  Proceed.  (Leaves)

Relative 1: (Mutters to Relative 2) That one’s always been a bit off.

(Friend 1 hovers on the edge of a larger, laughing group, which tapers off into silence)

Friend 1: (Hisses) Yessss… wait, forgot to set the time.

Relative 3: (Points to the distance) Hey, what’s that over there?

(Everyone shields their eyes as they turn to stare at a large shape in the distance coming closer to them; Friend 1’s eyes widen while the watch and plate are dropped)

Friend 1: (In a horrified whisper) The mastodon!

Relative 4: (Running in from the edges of the property) Everyone, quick, some mutant elephant’s on the loose or something, run!

(The relatives all drop their plates and run, forgetting that most of them had arrived in cars)

 Friend 1: (Answers ringing cell phone while on the move) You won’t believe what’s happening here right now!

Friend 2: (Relaxing on the living room couch while watching the TV) Oh, it’s by you?  I saw on the news some evil scientist cloned a mastodon from fossils and set it off on a rampage to “see Nature reassert its dominance,” and I immediately thought of you.  Guess you’d better run in the opposite direction then, huh.

Friend 1: (Still talking on the phone while running) You think our hunter-gathering instincts’ll kick in enough for us to fashion spears and herd this thing to the nearest nature preserve?!

Friend 2: I doubt it – I’m surprised any of you are even able enough to run away at this point in our species’ evolution.

Friend 1: (Starting to stagger) Seeing as I’m about to pass out from lack of air and muscle tone, I agreeeee!!!!

Story 392: Pre-Celebrity I.T. Webinar

 (Coworkers stream into a conference room that is set up with rows of tables and computers and a large screen at the front facing them, sitting wherever they find an empty place)

Coworker 1: (Quietly to Coworker 2 as they sign into computers next to each other) I can’t believe they’re making us stay here for an hour and a half – an hour and a half! – to learn about a system we already use.  And I never use it!

Coworker 2: I heard there’re updates and it’s supposed to be easier to use now.

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Please.  Any update is automatically harder, and this whole thing today could’ve been sent to us in two slides.

Coworker 2: (Leans in confidentially) You know what I heard?

Coworker 1: Obviously not.

Coworker 2: They got Ryan in I.T. to do the webinar for this, right before he quit to become Ryan --------, Hollywood Celebrity.

Coworker 1: …So this is pre-recorded?!  Another waste of my time!

Coworker 2: So?  Isn’t it cool we get one last class from Ryan, before, you know, he became Ryan?  He was so funny when I’d get him on the phone with the help desk, and I love him in his new movie!

Coworker 1: (Mutters at the computer screen) I hate that guy.

Coworker 2: Huh?

Coworker 1: He still owes me money for Josie’s retirement gift.

Coworker 2: That was three years ago.

Coworker 1: (Looks at Coworker 2) Yeah, and he thinks I forgot, but I didn’t!  (Back to the screen) I never forget.

Coworker 2: Whatever – I still think this is so cool!

(The course proctor heads over to the main computer by the large screen)

Proctor: Hello everybody, thank you for coming to the training class today, let’s get started.  (While setting up the video to display on the screen) This mandatory class that none of you can wiggle out of taking will show you the new features in the system, but you’re also in for a special treat: this was the last webinar that our very own “star,” Ryan -------- recorded before he left us to embark on a little something called a movie career….

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 3: Yeah Ry-an!

Coworker 1: [Loudly grinds teeth]

Proctor: So, without further ado, here’s our local success story giving his contractually obligated training session on “Orders 2.0.”  (Starts the video which shows actions on a computer screen as links are selected and data are entered)

Ryan’s Voice: Welcome everyone, to “Orders 2.0”; I’m Ryan --------, I.T. Specialist, although not for much longer as you may have heard by now, heh-heh-heh.

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 1: [Gags]

Ryan’s Voice: So, after you log into this thing – whoops – (Takes several attempts to log in) too many passwords nowadays, am-I-right?

Attendees: [Loudly laugh]

Coworker 1: For amateurs, maybe!

Ryan’s Voice: (Finally logs in) Right, aaaaand – select this option here for Test Mode, and then enter the code I’m typing now, and that brings you to here.... Still a busy screen, I know, but they’re workin’ on it.

Coworker 4: You’re doing your best, Ryan!

Coworker 1: (Leans toward Coworker 2) They know he can’t hear them, right?

Coworker 2: You just did the same thing a minute ago.

Coworker 1: I – (Closes mouth suddenly in memory and sits back upright)

Ryan’s Voice: OK, so now we’re going to simulate creating an order for an extremely high amount so I can show you the process for big ticket items, something like, I don’t know, how about a pool for the East Quad, sound good?

Attendees: [Cheer, clap, and whistle]

Coworker 5: East Quaaad!

Coworker 1: Weirdos.

Ryan’s Voice: So, that’ll bust the budget and need lots of approvals, and let’s see if we can even find a vendor for it…. (Begins searching the list when a strange ringtone on the video goes off) Huh… shoot, sorry, gotta take this – hello?  Hey Samir, thanks for getting back to me so fast, what’s the offer now?... Twenty million?!  Holy –

Proctor: (Starts advancing the video) I’m so sorry – no one actually watched this beforehand, we just assumed….

Coworker 1: Hey, if he’s got $20 million now then maybe he can cough up 15 bucks to pay what he owes me!

Proctor: – and here should be good.  (Resumes the video)

Ryan’s Voice: – dude, I said, “No nudity” –

Attendees: Whoooooo!!!

Proctor: (Advancing again) Sorry!  Sorry!  (Softly while watching the screen) I am so going to be fired.

Ryan’s Voice: – gotta go, I’m trying to wrap up a webinar I gotta do for work, then I can finally say “Buh-bye” to this dumpster fire of a job –

Coworker 3: Heh, he’s got that right.

Ryan’s Voice: `K, `K, gotta go, bye!... Oh shoot, this thing’s still recording…. Ah, forget it, I’ll just tell `em to edit out 15 minutes.

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) Clearly, he didn’t tell `em.

Ryan’s Voice: Aaaaaaaaaaand.... (The mouse whirls around the screen a while) right, ordering a pool, sweet.  So, you’d select the budget range of, I dunno, $50 grand and up?  Yeah, let’s do that, go all out, why not?

Coworker 4: Livin’ the dream, Ryan!

Attendees: [Cheer]

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) How does one sign an eye roll so that the whole room can see it?

Coworker 2: I think you would just do it.

Coworker 1: Well that’s just limited range.

Coworker 5: Ssh, please?  I can’t hear Ryan!

(Coworker 2 prevents Coworker 1 from lunging over the table at Coworker 5)

Ryan’s Voice: – and you’d have to get approval from everybody all the way up to – (Strange ringtone again) Just a sec…. Hey, Raquel!  Did they send those scripts yet?... I dunno, I took some French in high school so maybe I could learn a made-up language….

Proctor: I’m so sorry – (Goes to advance the video again)

Coworker 6: Wait, I wanna hear if this is for that movie he’s filming now; it’d be so cool if it is!

Proctor: You all have to take an hour and a half for this class, and so far this seems to have about 20 minutes usable material, so, no!

Coworker 1: We won’t tell if you won’t!

Ryan’s Voice: – is it anything like Tolkien’s Elvish stuff, `cause that’d be neat?... More like the Orkish stuff?  Whatever, I’m game –

Proctor: Skip!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – were we?... Approvals, right.  So you enter your department name – (Buzzing sound on the video) …Oh no, they changed the flight to 5 a.m.?  Ooh, first class, not too shabby –

Proctor: Argh!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – worked with Boys & Girls Clubs of America for a while anyway so this’ll be perfect, I can really help out even more now –

Proctor: Ergh! (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – trainer’s coming over tomorrow so she’ll see I can bench almost 300 lbs now –

Attendees: Oooooooh!

Proctor: Grrrrrr…. (Advances 20 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – snowboarding next weekend, I gotta go for real now, `K, bye!... OK!  Soooooo, Approvals.  Right.  Aaaaaand… click here… type this… click “Submit,” and boom.  Pool.  Well, if you get all the approvals, and if they don’t want you to hold a bidding war first, and this still could take months and sometimes years even if everything goes right…. Wow, looks like our hour and a half is up, so that’s it for “Orders 2.0,” Class!  Usually this’d be the time for questions but I was told to record it instead of doing it live in case you all’d start getting, quote-unquote, off-topic; my e-mail account’s gonna be deactivated in about an hour so if you do have any relevant questions, don’t send them to me because as of 3:30 p.m. today, I no longer have to pretend to care about messed-up networks and poorly maintained hardware ever again!  Good luck, it’s been nice working with you all, and see you on the big screen, yay!  (The video ends abruptly)

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 2: Aw, he said it was nice working with us!

Coworker 1: He has to fake-love everyone now – that’s the payment for his new life of glamor.

Proctor: (Quickly shutting down the main computer and the large screen) Once again, I apologize for the lack of applicable content in this video – we’ll send out an e-mail when this class has been rescheduled.

Attendees: [Massive groan]

Coworker 3: Can you e-mail just the audio portion of this one to us?  We wanna hear the rest that we missed.

Proctor: Absolutely not!  (Storms out in a panic to destroy all files of the presentation)

Coworker 2: (As the attendees slowly proceed out of the conference room) That stinks we still have to take the class, but this was pretty fun anyway.

Coworker 1: I guess.  I still hate him, but I have to admire his ability to achieve escape velocity from this gravity well of a company.

Coworker 2: Mighty big of you to say so.

Coworker 1: Yeah… you think he’d give me an autograph?

Story 387: If You’re Going to Be Volunteered, Then Volunteer First

 (In a department store breakroom, two coworkers sit around a long table)

Coworker 1: (Reading an article in a magazine while eating lunch; to Coworker 2) Hey – did you know that ---- ---- has been married for over 20 years and has two kids?

Coworker 2: (Does not look up from reading an article on a cell phone) Yeah, everyone knows that.

Coworker 1: Well, clearly, not everyone knows that.  I always thought this one was single and living the life.

Coworker 2: They are living the life, just not in everyone else’s business.  Must be hard, but managed it somehow.

Coworker 1: Huh…. Wonder if I could ever manage to block out all the paparazzi and adoring fans if I were ever famous?

Coworker 2: I doubt it.  You like attention too much.

Coworker 1: That I do.

(Manager suddenly bursts into the breakroom)

Manager: Right, we don’t have time to schedule a store meeting and no one ever joined our online group, so I have to run around telling everyone in-person: starting tomorrow, everyone’s being cross-trained to work at the food counter and you all have to volunteer for at least one shift a week there, indefinitely, until you either leave the company or we go out of business.

Coworker 1: WHAT?!

Coworker 2: I’ll take Monday mid-shifts.

Manager: (Writes on a clipboard) Great – the training schedule’ll be posted later today and the shifts start next week, byyyyyeeeee!!!! (Bursts out of the breakroom)

Coworker 1: What was that all about?!

Coworker 2: (Back to the phone) You know how short they’ve been in that department lately, and the retention rate’s terrible; I figured it was only a matter of time before they’d starting pulling from our pool to staff it.

Coworker 1: But why don’t they just hire more people and pay better?

(Coworker 2 looks up at Coworker 1 and both laugh hysterically)

Coworker 1: Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.

Coworker 2: Yeah, what year do you think this is, 1997?

Coworker 1: My teenaged brain and middle-aged body wish it was.  So, what, now we all have to learn how to make up sandwiches and whip up drinks and bake up cookies for a picky and ungrateful public?  That’s not what I applied here to do; explaining basic electronics to noobs and working out complicated transactions that’ll be returned later and watching out for sticky fingers across 10 aisles of merchandise is already above and beyond!

Coworker 2: I hear ya – you think I want to be responsible for handling food and the accompanying mess when I’m perfectly fine sorting clothes and being someone’s personal shopper 50 hours a week?

Coworker 1: So why’d you volunteer immediately then?  If you’d spoken up any faster, it’d’ve travelled back in time!

Coworker 2: `Cause I knew if I didn’t pick a shift, it’d be picked for me and I’d get stuck with a Sunday morning or – (Shudders) Saturday night.

Coworker 1: (Sympathy shudders) So why Monday mid-shift?

Coworker 2: Studies have shown that that’s one of the least busy restaurant and retail times of the week: hardly anyone goes out to shop and eat then, and the shift’ll end by early evening before the dinner crowd really shows up.

Coworker 1: Ooh.  That’s sneaky.

Coworker 2: (Starts reading on the phone again) Gotta do what’s best for you – with any luck, I can spend the least three quarters of the time straightening already-straightened inventory, and wiping up imaginary dirt.

Coworker 1: Wow.

(Manager suddenly bursts into the breakroom)

Manager: (To Coworker 1) OK-schedule’s-not-finalized-yet-but-I-wanted-to-give-you-a-heads-up-that-with-your-availability-it-looks-like-you’ll-be-at-the-food-counter-during-your-Saturday-night-shifts-and-maybe-Friday-nights-too-OK-byyyyyeeeee!!!! (Bursts out of the breakroom)

Coworker 1: (Stares at the closed door in shock) Did I just get volunteered?  In the worst shifts?!

Coworker 2: (Stares at the cell phone) Bummer – only way to get out of that now is to do so badly they’ll have you work anywhere else but there.  That’s my Plan B, so don’t do it right away.

Story 333: The Wish of Unintended Consequences

            (In an office)

            Coworker 1: (Speaking on the desk phone) Wait a minute, you know there’s a grand total of two-and-a-half employees in this department doing the work of three people each; we’re already five years behind on the 50 projects you’ve dumped on us; and now you volunteered us to take on another one?!...  You know, I never realized until now that the human body can survive drowning for years – I’ve heard it’s pleasant if you don’t fight it though, so maybe I should just tell you to go – never mind, I’d like to keep my job and I like you as a person, ignore everything I said up until now, all my best, bye.  (Hangs up the phone and softly bangs head on the desk)

            Coworker 2: (Sitting at the next desk over) That doesn’t sound promising.

         Coworker 1: (Voice muffled by the desk) We have another new project, because we’re just so freaking awesome at what we do, I guess.  (Sits up and stares at the piles of papers flooding the desk) I wish I didn’t care about all this anymore, but I don’t want to be apathetic, either.  I guess what I really wish is that circumstances changed so we can catch up on all this mess.

            Coworker 2: OK.

          Coworker 1: Yeah, but who’m I kidding?  We just have to keep running in place up until the day our heart attacks hit, one by one.

            Coworker 2: No, I mean OK, you’ve got it.

            Coworker 1: Got what?

            Coworker 2: Your wish.

        Coworker 1: Ohhhh…kaaayyyy… so, what, you’re my personal genie now or something, heh-heh-heh?

          Coworker 2: If you like.  Sorry I never mentioned it earlier – I have a habit of forgetting about that.

            Coworker 1: Huh?

           Coworker 2: You also never made a real wish until now; one from the heart, that is.  The others were just fluff.

            Coworker 1: (Stares at Coworker 2 for a few moments) What?!

            Coworker 2: I go from place-to-place as I’m needed – and you seemed needy.

            Coworker 1: You’ve been at this office for almost 10 years!

          Coworker 2: Really?  Time sure does fly – I think that means I get an extra week’s vacation this year, sweet.

            Coworker 1: Hold on, are you saying that you can make what I just wished for actually happen?!  Like actually for reals and all that jazz?!

            Coworker 2: Yepperz.  But you’re not gonna like it.

          Coworker 1: I don’t care, do you hear me?!  I am at my wit’s end, everyone here is ready to pull what’s left of their hair out, my nerves are ready to literally explode, we can’t go on like this anymore, change something, anything, please!

            Coworker 2: Suit yourself.

            (Coworker 1 does a long blink and sees that Coworker 2 is gone)

           Coworker 1: (Whips head around, looks underneath the desks, and sits back up, frozen) Did I make them up this whole time?  (Desk phone rings; answers) Accounts Payable, how may I help you?... What do you mean, crisis?...  What?... How many people?... All projects cancelled?.... Well, sure I was going to the conference, you’re the one who told me to…. OK, all of them are cancelled, too…. How long do they have to stay home?... I guess we’ll be OK here, but the customers might…. Oh, they’re home, too…. Most businesses closed too, huh… Um, OK, I’ll wait to hear back from you…. No, I feel fine, how about you?... Yeah, you should probably get that checked out.  And for once in your life, wash your freakin’ hands!... OK, bye, boss.  (Hangs up and stares into space)

            Coworker 2: (Sits back down at the desk) Sorry I had to dash out there for a minute – allergies acting up again – what’d I miss?

            Coworker 1: Ummm, everything’s cancelled.  Everywhere.

            Coworker 2: I see.

          Coworker 1: All our projects are on hold and those of us left here can work on stuff we’re behind on.

            Coworker 2: Indeed.  Happy?

           Coworker 1: Of course I’m not happy!  You could’ve brought us more staff, or made the useless projects disappear, and instead you started a global disaster!

          Coworker 2: And how likely was it that either of the other two scenarios would happen?

           Coworker 1: Not very, but come on!

         Coworker 2: Told you you weren’t going to like it.  I believe your response was, “I don’t care.”

            Coworker 1: But you know what I meant!

           Coworker 2: (Sighs) You wish makers are all alike: I give you exactly what you want, and you still complain.

Story 332: They Always Come Back in the End

            (At an office party)

           Coworker 1: (Holding a plate of dessert) Glad they brought the cookies out for this one – I can’t eat cake anymore.

          Coworker 2: (Also holding a plate of dessert; gestures with it toward the guest-of-honor who is surrounded by changing groups of colleagues) I can’t believe she’s leaving – she’s been here for almost 15 years, and she’s just up and leaving.

           Coworker 1: (After biting into a cookie) Ugh, raisins?!  I thought they were chocolate chips!  (Holds up the partially eaten cookie to stare judgmentally at it) Liar.

           Coworker 2: I mean, she practically is the department by now – and you know they’ll take forever to hire a replacement, if they hire one at all – but I can’t blame her, I mean, taking a job in the City really is a better career move then staying pretty much anywhere in this area.

            Coworker 1: Ha!  She’ll be back in less than a year.

            Coworker 2: What?

          Coworker 1: You may not have noticed, but no one here ever leaves for good – they always come back in the end.  Look at our CEO.  (Waves at a partying figure in the corner, who waves enthusiastically back)

            Coworker 2: Yeah, but that was different: we’d lost our interim and needed them to come back.

            Coworker 1: They wouldn’t’ve come back if, deep down, they really didn’t want to.  Same thing happened in Marketing last year, and that guy had full-out retired for crying out loud.

            Coworker 2: Yeah, but – well….

            Coworker 1: Exactly.

            Coworker 2: Maybe he just got bored

           Coworker 1: Doesn’t matter: no one can stay away from this place forever.  It’s like a compulsion, a siren call, a literal pull – yoink! – back into the spider’s web of madness.  Same thing’ll happen to you, if you ever quit; doesn’t apply to people who get fired.

            Coworker 2: (Laughs nervously) Oh, well, I wouldn’t –

          Coworker 1: It’s obvious you’re looking – nothing to be ashamed of, everyone’s got their reasons.  I’m just saying: if you get hired somewhere else, don’t expect to be gone from here for long.

            Coworker 2: Really?

          Coworker 1: (Eats a mini-muffin) Mmm-mmm!  Uh-huh; I’m a prime example: I’ve quit my job here seven times already, and I’ll be celebrating my 20^th nonconsecutive year next month.

            Coworker 2: Oh.  Wow.

         Coworker 1: (Tosses plate and napkin into the garbage) Uh-huh.  My advice: take advantage of any food you can get out of this place.  (Heads over to the crowd surrounding the guest-of-honor)

            Coworker 2: Oh.  Hmmmm….

NEXT OFFICE PARTY

            Coworker 2: So, here we are, at another one.

            Coworker 1: Yep – nice that they sprung for finger sandwiches this time, really carries me over from mid-afternoon to dinner.

            Coworker 2: You were totally right, by the way.

            Coworker 1: I often am.  About what this time?

            Coworker 2: (Gestures with a plate toward a figure partying in the corner) She’s back, not six months after the last party here that was for her.

           Coworker 1: You doubted me?  The prophecy is always fulfilled.  (Gestures toward the current guest-of-honor who is surrounded by changing groups of colleagues) I’ll give this one a year since the company actually did hire a replacement right away, and I heard the new job’s pretty decent.  But The Call will always bring them back.

         Coworker 2: Hm.  You know, I actually gave my two-week notice to my manager yesterday.

       Coworker 1: (Stares at Coworker 2, then laughs evilly) Seriously, though, congratulations and best of luck.  Going anywhere good?

           Coworker 2: Seems like it: it’s in a different field, but I’ll be doing stuff similar to what I’m doing here.  The pay and benefits also are much better, I hate to say.

            Coworker 1: (Devours a brownie) So, see you in nine months, then?

            Coworker 2: You shouldn’t; this is permanent.

            Coworker 1: That’s what they all say.

NINE MONTHS LATER

            (At an office party)

            Coworker 1: (Working on a piece of babka) Well, look who’s back.

           Coworker 2: (Grabs a plate and piles all the dessert onto it) Don’t, don’t say it, don’t say “I told you so – ”

            Coworker 1: Furthest thing from my mind.

            Coworker 2: Thank you.

            Coworker 1: BUT –

            Coworker 2: Ugh.

         Coworker 1: I like how you snuck in under the radar and they didn’t even announce you’d come back – classy.  So, did you start hearing The Call only recently, or did it begin screaming at you on your first day there?

           Coworker 2: Very funny.  You know, they should really disclose on job postings that all your coworkers are going to be psychopaths so you’re aware what you’re getting into before you fill out the application.

          Coworker 1: Good point.  (Gestures to the current guest-of-honor who is surrounded by changing groups of colleagues) This one’s a fake-out, by the way: they’re not really leaving, just going from full-time to per diem.  Guess the company figured, do one party now and save the expense from a back-and-forth later.

           Coworker 2: (Angrily stabs a piece of cake with a fork) I’m starting to remember all the reasons why I left here, but I have to be grateful they took me back at all or else I’d be unemployed and in a worse mess.  Is this similar to being trapped in an abusive relationship?

          Coworker 1: Hardly – your life’s not in danger, and you still can quit whenever you want.

            Coworker 2: Sure I can.  (Angrily chews)

            Coworker 1: By the way, I gave my two-week notice the other day.

            Coworker 2: Really?  Why?

           Coworker 1: Needed a vacation – haven’t been able to take one in over two years.