Story 333: The Wish of Unintended Consequences

            (In an office)

            Coworker 1: (Speaking on the desk phone) Wait a minute, you know there’s a grand total of two-and-a-half employees in this department doing the work of three people each; we’re already five years behind on the 50 projects you’ve dumped on us; and now you volunteered us to take on another one?!...  You know, I never realized until now that the human body can survive drowning for years – I’ve heard it’s pleasant if you don’t fight it though, so maybe I should just tell you to go – never mind, I’d like to keep my job and I like you as a person, ignore everything I said up until now, all my best, bye.  (Hangs up the phone and softly bangs head on the desk)

            Coworker 2: (Sitting at the next desk over) That doesn’t sound promising.

         Coworker 1: (Voice muffled by the desk) We have another new project, because we’re just so freaking awesome at what we do, I guess.  (Sits up and stares at the piles of papers flooding the desk) I wish I didn’t care about all this anymore, but I don’t want to be apathetic, either.  I guess what I really wish is that circumstances changed so we can catch up on all this mess.

            Coworker 2: OK.

          Coworker 1: Yeah, but who’m I kidding?  We just have to keep running in place up until the day our heart attacks hit, one by one.

            Coworker 2: No, I mean OK, you’ve got it.

            Coworker 1: Got what?

            Coworker 2: Your wish.

        Coworker 1: Ohhhh…kaaayyyy… so, what, you’re my personal genie now or something, heh-heh-heh?

          Coworker 2: If you like.  Sorry I never mentioned it earlier – I have a habit of forgetting about that.

            Coworker 1: Huh?

           Coworker 2: You also never made a real wish until now; one from the heart, that is.  The others were just fluff.

            Coworker 1: (Stares at Coworker 2 for a few moments) What?!

            Coworker 2: I go from place-to-place as I’m needed – and you seemed needy.

            Coworker 1: You’ve been at this office for almost 10 years!

          Coworker 2: Really?  Time sure does fly – I think that means I get an extra week’s vacation this year, sweet.

            Coworker 1: Hold on, are you saying that you can make what I just wished for actually happen?!  Like actually for reals and all that jazz?!

            Coworker 2: Yepperz.  But you’re not gonna like it.

          Coworker 1: I don’t care, do you hear me?!  I am at my wit’s end, everyone here is ready to pull what’s left of their hair out, my nerves are ready to literally explode, we can’t go on like this anymore, change something, anything, please!

            Coworker 2: Suit yourself.

            (Coworker 1 does a long blink and sees that Coworker 2 is gone)

           Coworker 1: (Whips head around, looks underneath the desks, and sits back up, frozen) Did I make them up this whole time?  (Desk phone rings; answers) Accounts Payable, how may I help you?... What do you mean, crisis?...  What?... How many people?... All projects cancelled?.... Well, sure I was going to the conference, you’re the one who told me to…. OK, all of them are cancelled, too…. How long do they have to stay home?... I guess we’ll be OK here, but the customers might…. Oh, they’re home, too…. Most businesses closed too, huh… Um, OK, I’ll wait to hear back from you…. No, I feel fine, how about you?... Yeah, you should probably get that checked out.  And for once in your life, wash your freakin’ hands!... OK, bye, boss.  (Hangs up and stares into space)

            Coworker 2: (Sits back down at the desk) Sorry I had to dash out there for a minute – allergies acting up again – what’d I miss?

            Coworker 1: Ummm, everything’s cancelled.  Everywhere.

            Coworker 2: I see.

          Coworker 1: All our projects are on hold and those of us left here can work on stuff we’re behind on.

            Coworker 2: Indeed.  Happy?

           Coworker 1: Of course I’m not happy!  You could’ve brought us more staff, or made the useless projects disappear, and instead you started a global disaster!

          Coworker 2: And how likely was it that either of the other two scenarios would happen?

           Coworker 1: Not very, but come on!

         Coworker 2: Told you you weren’t going to like it.  I believe your response was, “I don’t care.”

            Coworker 1: But you know what I meant!

           Coworker 2: (Sighs) You wish makers are all alike: I give you exactly what you want, and you still complain.

Story 250: Irritation Conquers Fear

            “So, uh, as you’ll see in this next slide, um, just a second, there – uh, yes, um, you can see our sales went down a bit last month, but, uh, they’ve [gulp] been, uh, trending upward, and – yes?”

            “What accounted for the dip in July?”

            “Uh... that was when Store 220 was, um, closed.  Temporarily.”

            “Sorry, what?  I couldn’t hear you.”

            “I said, uh, Store 220 was closed.  Temp – ”

            “Store 220 closed?!”

            “N-no, it was just temp-temp-”

            “Oh right, the whole rat infestation thing, never mind.  What were you going to say?”

            “Uh….”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “I can’t stand it, I just can’t stand it – I’ve been giving these presentations every quarter for the past five years and every time I get up there my throat closes up, the sweat pours out, and my mind shuts down!  And when they know you’re nervous, they pounce all over you!”

            “That stinks – I’d’ve figured you’d gotten used to doing those things by now.”

            “Yes, thank you for reminding me.  Five years, and I still have no idea how I can face the next one.  Or the next, or the next, until I’m either dead or fired.”

            “Wanna try hypnotism?”

            “Eh, I don’t know, I – yes.  Yes, I’ll try anything.  I don’t care if it’s baloney; if I believe it’s real, it’s real.  You think it’ll relax me?”

            “Nah, you don’t want to be relaxed, that’ll put you off your game.  You want to be annoyed.”

            “What?  Why would I want that?  I just want to conquer my fear of public speaking, like all the greats.”

            “Exactly.  And the only thing stronger than fear is anger.”

            “I thought it was love?”

            “I’m not talking about a world peace scenario; I’m talking about irritation being the only thing that triumphs over the jitters, short of not having them in the first place.  I’m talking about having self-confidence without looking like you had to work for it.  Sprezzatura – the art of appearing artless.  Only in your case, it’ll be for real because you’ll have been brainwashed into it.”

            “So how does me being irritated keep me from passing out up there?”

            “Because then you’re not worrying about putting on a good show and hoping to impress your betters; you’re focusing on getting the whole thing over with `cause you have better things to do with your time than explain things to simpletons.  The fear will have no hold over you, you’ll be free, and your bosses’ll love your new leadership attitude.”

            “I don’t know; it sounds like replacing one negative with another.”

          “You want to keep dying on stage for the rest of your life, or do you want to defeat your demons and possibly become CEO one day?”

            “Give me the quack’s phone number.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “This next slide – not working again, would someone call I.T.? – anyway, it was a graph of budgeted vs. actual returns, and we’re exceeding the former by over 20% in all domains.  OK it’s back; now, on this slide you can see – ”

            “Wait a minute, why does this show us not reaching our targets?”

          “[Sigh] Because this is showing our numbers from 2017.  I was about to say that, in comparison with last year, we’ve improved net sales by 43% year-to-date.  Now, I’d love to stay and answer any questions you may have, but I’ve got another meeting coming up so please send me an e-mail instead.”

            “I just have one – ”

            “Thank you!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “It was amazing!  I flew through the slides and flew on out of there – I think I was done in record time!  Plus, whenever something interrupted me, I wrestled it into submission without once having the urge to dissolve into a pile of quivering goo!  And on top of all that, my boss offered me a promotion today to Assistant Manager, and he’s barely said two words to me since I was hired!  I’ve finally made it to the big time!”

            “That’s great.  What’s with the stress ball?”

            “Oh, it’s just that lately every single thing is getting on my last nerve.  Everything moves too slowly, or there’re mistakes everywhere, or it’s all a waste of time, or it’s losing the company tons of money, or – ooh, I can’t stand it, I just can’t stand it!”

            “I see.  Wanna try hypnotism?”