Story 332: They Always Come Back in the End

            (At an office party)

           Coworker 1: (Holding a plate of dessert) Glad they brought the cookies out for this one – I can’t eat cake anymore.

          Coworker 2: (Also holding a plate of dessert; gestures with it toward the guest-of-honor who is surrounded by changing groups of colleagues) I can’t believe she’s leaving – she’s been here for almost 15 years, and she’s just up and leaving.

           Coworker 1: (After biting into a cookie) Ugh, raisins?!  I thought they were chocolate chips!  (Holds up the partially eaten cookie to stare judgmentally at it) Liar.

           Coworker 2: I mean, she practically is the department by now – and you know they’ll take forever to hire a replacement, if they hire one at all – but I can’t blame her, I mean, taking a job in the City really is a better career move then staying pretty much anywhere in this area.

            Coworker 1: Ha!  She’ll be back in less than a year.

            Coworker 2: What?

          Coworker 1: You may not have noticed, but no one here ever leaves for good – they always come back in the end.  Look at our CEO.  (Waves at a partying figure in the corner, who waves enthusiastically back)

            Coworker 2: Yeah, but that was different: we’d lost our interim and needed them to come back.

            Coworker 1: They wouldn’t’ve come back if, deep down, they really didn’t want to.  Same thing happened in Marketing last year, and that guy had full-out retired for crying out loud.

            Coworker 2: Yeah, but – well….

            Coworker 1: Exactly.

            Coworker 2: Maybe he just got bored

           Coworker 1: Doesn’t matter: no one can stay away from this place forever.  It’s like a compulsion, a siren call, a literal pull – yoink! – back into the spider’s web of madness.  Same thing’ll happen to you, if you ever quit; doesn’t apply to people who get fired.

            Coworker 2: (Laughs nervously) Oh, well, I wouldn’t –

          Coworker 1: It’s obvious you’re looking – nothing to be ashamed of, everyone’s got their reasons.  I’m just saying: if you get hired somewhere else, don’t expect to be gone from here for long.

            Coworker 2: Really?

          Coworker 1: (Eats a mini-muffin) Mmm-mmm!  Uh-huh; I’m a prime example: I’ve quit my job here seven times already, and I’ll be celebrating my 20^th nonconsecutive year next month.

            Coworker 2: Oh.  Wow.

         Coworker 1: (Tosses plate and napkin into the garbage) Uh-huh.  My advice: take advantage of any food you can get out of this place.  (Heads over to the crowd surrounding the guest-of-honor)

            Coworker 2: Oh.  Hmmmm….

NEXT OFFICE PARTY

            Coworker 2: So, here we are, at another one.

            Coworker 1: Yep – nice that they sprung for finger sandwiches this time, really carries me over from mid-afternoon to dinner.

            Coworker 2: You were totally right, by the way.

            Coworker 1: I often am.  About what this time?

            Coworker 2: (Gestures with a plate toward a figure partying in the corner) She’s back, not six months after the last party here that was for her.

           Coworker 1: You doubted me?  The prophecy is always fulfilled.  (Gestures toward the current guest-of-honor who is surrounded by changing groups of colleagues) I’ll give this one a year since the company actually did hire a replacement right away, and I heard the new job’s pretty decent.  But The Call will always bring them back.

         Coworker 2: Hm.  You know, I actually gave my two-week notice to my manager yesterday.

       Coworker 1: (Stares at Coworker 2, then laughs evilly) Seriously, though, congratulations and best of luck.  Going anywhere good?

           Coworker 2: Seems like it: it’s in a different field, but I’ll be doing stuff similar to what I’m doing here.  The pay and benefits also are much better, I hate to say.

            Coworker 1: (Devours a brownie) So, see you in nine months, then?

            Coworker 2: You shouldn’t; this is permanent.

            Coworker 1: That’s what they all say.

NINE MONTHS LATER

            (At an office party)

            Coworker 1: (Working on a piece of babka) Well, look who’s back.

           Coworker 2: (Grabs a plate and piles all the dessert onto it) Don’t, don’t say it, don’t say “I told you so – ”

            Coworker 1: Furthest thing from my mind.

            Coworker 2: Thank you.

            Coworker 1: BUT –

            Coworker 2: Ugh.

         Coworker 1: I like how you snuck in under the radar and they didn’t even announce you’d come back – classy.  So, did you start hearing The Call only recently, or did it begin screaming at you on your first day there?

           Coworker 2: Very funny.  You know, they should really disclose on job postings that all your coworkers are going to be psychopaths so you’re aware what you’re getting into before you fill out the application.

          Coworker 1: Good point.  (Gestures to the current guest-of-honor who is surrounded by changing groups of colleagues) This one’s a fake-out, by the way: they’re not really leaving, just going from full-time to per diem.  Guess the company figured, do one party now and save the expense from a back-and-forth later.

           Coworker 2: (Angrily stabs a piece of cake with a fork) I’m starting to remember all the reasons why I left here, but I have to be grateful they took me back at all or else I’d be unemployed and in a worse mess.  Is this similar to being trapped in an abusive relationship?

          Coworker 1: Hardly – your life’s not in danger, and you still can quit whenever you want.

            Coworker 2: Sure I can.  (Angrily chews)

            Coworker 1: By the way, I gave my two-week notice the other day.

            Coworker 2: Really?  Why?

           Coworker 1: Needed a vacation – haven’t been able to take one in over two years.