Story 332: They Always Come Back in the End

            (At an office party)

           Coworker 1: (Holding a plate of dessert) Glad they brought the cookies out for this one – I can’t eat cake anymore.

          Coworker 2: (Also holding a plate of dessert; gestures with it toward the guest-of-honor who is surrounded by changing groups of colleagues) I can’t believe she’s leaving – she’s been here for almost 15 years, and she’s just up and leaving.

           Coworker 1: (After biting into a cookie) Ugh, raisins?!  I thought they were chocolate chips!  (Holds up the partially eaten cookie to stare judgmentally at it) Liar.

           Coworker 2: I mean, she practically is the department by now – and you know they’ll take forever to hire a replacement, if they hire one at all – but I can’t blame her, I mean, taking a job in the City really is a better career move then staying pretty much anywhere in this area.

            Coworker 1: Ha!  She’ll be back in less than a year.

            Coworker 2: What?

          Coworker 1: You may not have noticed, but no one here ever leaves for good – they always come back in the end.  Look at our CEO.  (Waves at a partying figure in the corner, who waves enthusiastically back)

            Coworker 2: Yeah, but that was different: we’d lost our interim and needed them to come back.

            Coworker 1: They wouldn’t’ve come back if, deep down, they really didn’t want to.  Same thing happened in Marketing last year, and that guy had full-out retired for crying out loud.

            Coworker 2: Yeah, but – well….

            Coworker 1: Exactly.

            Coworker 2: Maybe he just got bored

           Coworker 1: Doesn’t matter: no one can stay away from this place forever.  It’s like a compulsion, a siren call, a literal pull – yoink! – back into the spider’s web of madness.  Same thing’ll happen to you, if you ever quit; doesn’t apply to people who get fired.

            Coworker 2: (Laughs nervously) Oh, well, I wouldn’t –

          Coworker 1: It’s obvious you’re looking – nothing to be ashamed of, everyone’s got their reasons.  I’m just saying: if you get hired somewhere else, don’t expect to be gone from here for long.

            Coworker 2: Really?

          Coworker 1: (Eats a mini-muffin) Mmm-mmm!  Uh-huh; I’m a prime example: I’ve quit my job here seven times already, and I’ll be celebrating my 20^th nonconsecutive year next month.

            Coworker 2: Oh.  Wow.

         Coworker 1: (Tosses plate and napkin into the garbage) Uh-huh.  My advice: take advantage of any food you can get out of this place.  (Heads over to the crowd surrounding the guest-of-honor)

            Coworker 2: Oh.  Hmmmm….

NEXT OFFICE PARTY

            Coworker 2: So, here we are, at another one.

            Coworker 1: Yep – nice that they sprung for finger sandwiches this time, really carries me over from mid-afternoon to dinner.

            Coworker 2: You were totally right, by the way.

            Coworker 1: I often am.  About what this time?

            Coworker 2: (Gestures with a plate toward a figure partying in the corner) She’s back, not six months after the last party here that was for her.

           Coworker 1: You doubted me?  The prophecy is always fulfilled.  (Gestures toward the current guest-of-honor who is surrounded by changing groups of colleagues) I’ll give this one a year since the company actually did hire a replacement right away, and I heard the new job’s pretty decent.  But The Call will always bring them back.

         Coworker 2: Hm.  You know, I actually gave my two-week notice to my manager yesterday.

       Coworker 1: (Stares at Coworker 2, then laughs evilly) Seriously, though, congratulations and best of luck.  Going anywhere good?

           Coworker 2: Seems like it: it’s in a different field, but I’ll be doing stuff similar to what I’m doing here.  The pay and benefits also are much better, I hate to say.

            Coworker 1: (Devours a brownie) So, see you in nine months, then?

            Coworker 2: You shouldn’t; this is permanent.

            Coworker 1: That’s what they all say.

NINE MONTHS LATER

            (At an office party)

            Coworker 1: (Working on a piece of babka) Well, look who’s back.

           Coworker 2: (Grabs a plate and piles all the dessert onto it) Don’t, don’t say it, don’t say “I told you so – ”

            Coworker 1: Furthest thing from my mind.

            Coworker 2: Thank you.

            Coworker 1: BUT –

            Coworker 2: Ugh.

         Coworker 1: I like how you snuck in under the radar and they didn’t even announce you’d come back – classy.  So, did you start hearing The Call only recently, or did it begin screaming at you on your first day there?

           Coworker 2: Very funny.  You know, they should really disclose on job postings that all your coworkers are going to be psychopaths so you’re aware what you’re getting into before you fill out the application.

          Coworker 1: Good point.  (Gestures to the current guest-of-honor who is surrounded by changing groups of colleagues) This one’s a fake-out, by the way: they’re not really leaving, just going from full-time to per diem.  Guess the company figured, do one party now and save the expense from a back-and-forth later.

           Coworker 2: (Angrily stabs a piece of cake with a fork) I’m starting to remember all the reasons why I left here, but I have to be grateful they took me back at all or else I’d be unemployed and in a worse mess.  Is this similar to being trapped in an abusive relationship?

          Coworker 1: Hardly – your life’s not in danger, and you still can quit whenever you want.

            Coworker 2: Sure I can.  (Angrily chews)

            Coworker 1: By the way, I gave my two-week notice the other day.

            Coworker 2: Really?  Why?

           Coworker 1: Needed a vacation – haven’t been able to take one in over two years.

Story 268: Grab Bag-a-Palooza

            “Thank you all for being here today,” Manager said to the mini-gathering of employees in the tiny breakroom; everyone had a Santa Claus hat on their head, a glass of fake-nog in one hand, and/or a plate crammed full of wedding-cocktail-hour food in the other.  “I’m glad we could take a breather for five minutes to celebrate this most special time of year together.”

            The wall telephone beeped before a voice issued from it: “Can I come back there now?  The line’s out the door and I’m starving!”

           “We just started so you’re gonna have to hold down the fort until we get back!” Manager yelled.

            “But I’m the only one on the register and the customers are getting hypocritically rowdy!  I’m calling the union rep!”

            “You knew there was no union when you were hired!”

            The voice became distant: “Yes, sir, someone will be up to assist shortly… and bless you,” then muttered, “&@$!@^#.”  The voice resumed its previous volume: “They’re going to start walking out and taking half the store with them, I just know it!”

            “So be it,” Manager said, lifting the phone receiver and hanging up as “But – ” was heard.  Turning back to the group: “Now – who wants to do the Grab Bag?”

            The others leapt up: “Ooh, me, me, me!!!”

            They drew numbers for who would go in what order.

            “I’ll take… this one!”  Co-Worker 1 grabbed the biggest wrapped box and tore the paper apart in a frenzy.  The box itself was blank; upon opening it, Co-Worker 1 dug through the massive piles of tissue paper to reach the bottom, where a No. 2 pencil lay.  Co-Worker 1 held it up in the air: “The #*$$?!”

Co-Worker 4 cackled evilly, pointing at the pencil.  “Gets `em every time!”

Manager glared at Co-Worker 4: “You’re expelled from Grab Bag.”

“No fair, I paid good money for those trimmings!”  Co-Worker 4 whined.  “Besides, you said $25 maximum, not $25 minimum!”

“You want a gift?” Co-Worker 1 said before throwing the pencil at Co-Worker 4, who ducked.  “Consider that your steal!”

“No fair!”

“All right, all right, let’s keep this moving,” Manager brushed them aside.  “Second person pick now, please.”

“No fair!” Co-Worker 1 said.

“The next one to say that can join our friend at the register.”

“I retract my statement.”       

Co-Worker 2 grabbed a gift bag that had a menorah decoration on it and immediately dove in.  “Let’s see, I think I’ll go for this one, wonder what it could be – ?”  A menorah was taken out of the bag.  “Aw, you guys, how’d you know I needed a new one for Hanukkah next year, you’re the best!”

“Isn’t that the bag you brought?” Co-Worker 1 accused.

“Who cares?” Manager asked rhetorically.  “Next!”

Co-Worker 3 grabbed a sizeable box and ripped off the wrapping paper: “Wowwwww, a drone!”

Manager smiled smugly: “Well, we all could use a drone these days.”

“Steal!”  Co-Worker 4 reached over to grab it.

Manager pulled back on Co-Worker 4’s collar: “You’re still expelled.”

Co-Worker 1 grabbed the box from Co-Worker 3: “My steal, then!”

Co-Worker 3 slumped and grumbled: “Maybe I’ll just steal it for real later.”

“What?”  Co-Worker 1 asked.

“What?”  Co-Worker 3 asked.

“All right, my turn,” Manager said, grabbing a super-tiny box and delicately opening it.  “O Holy Night, are these actual diamonds?!”

The wall telephone beeped again: “I’ve waited long enough – who’s the lucky person who got the diamonds?”

“Uh – I did.”

“So… I’d say those’d be worth a little something, oh I don’t know, maybe a break from register on the busiest shopping day of the year – ” Manager lifted the phone receiver and hung up.

“All right, finish up and get out of here,” Manager said while stashing the box into the store’s safe.  “We’re losing thousands of dollars in sales by the minute while I’m being all thoughtful to people I don’t care about outside this place.”

“But I still need to pick one – ” Co-Worker 3 reached for a wrapped present in the shape of skis.

“Do it on your own time – the magic is over – get back to that disaster out there and pretend to be merry and bright while you’re at it!  Oh, and Happy All-the-Holidays: our hours are getting cut in January.”

“Aw, man!” was the chorus.

The wall telephone beeped again: “Guys, they’re starting to organize themselves into a Black Friday stampede here: any chance of, you know, actually COMING BACK TO THE SALES FLOOR ANYTIME SOON?!”

“Such a Scrooge,” Co-Worker 2 mumbled.

Story 217: A Good Reason to Go to a Party With Strangers

            Spouse 1: Hey hon, we got invited to my office holiday party again this year – I can make up some excuse for you if you don’t want to go.

            Spouse 2: Why would you do something like that?  Of course I want to go!

            Spouse 1: …Really?

            Spouse 2: Sure!  I had a great time last year!  Why do you think I wouldn’t want to go again?

            Spouse 1: Well, `cause it’s a work party where we all talk shop with our inside jokes, and last year you complained the whole time before we went that you wouldn’t know anybody there, and then you complained the whole time afterward that I abandoned you to go sing karaoke all night, which – full disclosure – I intend to do again.  What changed since then?

            Spouse 2: Oh, the complaining afterwards was a matter of principle – you did abandon me in the midst of a bunch of drunken office drones, which is a recipe for disaster.  But I had a blast!  I can’t wait to go this year!

            Spouse 1: …Why?

            Spouse 2: You’ll see.

AT THE PARTY

            Guest 1: Hi guys!  Glad you could make it!

           Spouse 2: Are you kidding?!  We wouldn’t miss this for anything barring a death in the family!

            Spouse 1: Heh-heh – you serving any drinks?

            Guest 1: Only the light stuff this year; last time got a bit out of hand, if you remember.

            Spouse 1: I sadly don’t.

            Spouse 2: I do, and I’m not surprised.

            Guest 1: Ooh, the “Guess the number of candy canes” table is finally set up – gotta go!

            Spouse 2: Ooh, I’ve gotta go, too.

            Spouse 1: Go where?  We just got here!

           Spouse 2: That lady by the snack table: can’t for the life of me remember her name, but she’s one of the reasons I came back to this social awkwardness.

            Spouse 1: Her?  That’s my supervisor –

            Spouse 2: Hi!  How’ve you been?

            Guest 2: Oh hey!  Nice to see you again!

            Spouse 2: Same here!  So, how was your year?

          Guest 2: Don’t get me started!  Your other half knows this past quarter was all drama, but before that – I don’t know if you remember me telling you last time about the research trip I took to study coral reefs?

            Spouse 2: I sure do.

           Guest 2: Well, I went on it again this summer, and wouldn’t you know it, while we’re out there we got held hostage by pirates?!  Actual pirates!  H.R. didn’t believe me.

           Spouse 2: No way!  What’d you guys do?

          Guest 2: What could we do, except tell those guys we were scientists and not tourists so we had no real money on us, and it took forever to get them to let us go `cause they had to check with their boss…

ONE HOUR LATER

            Guest 2: So I am never bungee jumping off that cliff again, let me tell you.  Ah, I think they’re serving dinner now.

            Spouse 2: Aw shucks, OK.  See you around!

            Spouse 1: What was that all about?

           Spouse 2: Weren’t you listening?  She was installing a water filtration system in that village and nearly busted her head open on the side of that mountain!  Crazy, man.

           Spouse 1: I’ve worked with her for three years and never heard any of this – you two have never met outside of these events and she’s told you her life story!

            Spouse 2: Exactly.  Ooh, we have to sit next to that guy at dinner.

            Spouse 1: He works in I.T.; I don’t remember his name.

            Spouse 2: Hey man, good to see you again!

            Guest 3: Oh hi, good to see you again, too!

            Spouse 2: So how’s life been treating you?

            Guest 3: Not too bad – got to go to the Oscars as a seat-filler again this year.

            Spouse 2: No way!  Sit next to anyone famous?

           Guest 3: No, but I was only two rows away from them at any given moment.  That surprisingly was topped by my trip to the dentist the following week.

            Spouse 2: No way!

TWO HOURS LATER

            Guest 3: The takeaway from all that happened while I was there, though, is that I really just need to have my hair cut more often.

            Spouse 2: Ahahahaha!  Wait, is dessert over already?

            Guest 3: Looks like it.  I’m gonna go take a nap before phase 2 of these shenanigans.  Nice talking to you!

            Spouse 2: Same here! – Oh, there you are.  Off doing karaoke, were we?

           Spouse 1: Yes.  I was feeling a bit abandoned myself this year, and you didn’t seem to notice if I stayed or went.

Spouse 2: Yeah, I’m having the best time, I wish it could last all night, these people are amazing!

Spouse 1: I can’t believe you get along better with my co-workers than I do!

           Spouse 2: Maybe because I actually listen to them.  Ooh, there’s that gal with the 10 kids and the three PhDs; I simply have to know if she ever did get to do that lecture series from the space station!