(In a private office, Manager sits at the desk straightening random pieces of paper when there is a knock on the door)
Manager: Come on in! (Employee enters with a swagger) Have a seat! (Manager gestures to the chair in front of the desk)
Employee: Thanks. (Strolls over to the chair and sits extremely casually)
Manager: So! (Folds hands on the desk) You’re probably wondering why I asked that we meet today.
Employee: (Glances to the left of Manager while resting an arm on the back of the chair) Well, since there’s an H.R. rep. joining us –
H.R. Rep.: (Standing to the left of Manager) Howdy.
Employee: – I assume it’s about the supervisor position I applied for.
Manager: Oh yeah, everyone applied for that – if I wasn’t already as far as I could go in this piddling department, I’d’ve applied for it myself, heh-heh-heh.
Employee: Heh-heh, yeeeeaaaahhh…. (Checks fingernails and sighs in contentment) Soooo…?
Manager: Hm? Oh, right: as you probably guessed by now, you didn’t get it.
Employee: (Jaw drops open and everything droops) What?! Why not?!
Manager: I’m not legally obligated to tell you that.
Employee: Then as a favor from one human being to another! I meet all the requirements for the job, I’ve been with the company for over 15 years, I even work overtime without being asked – what else could you all possibly be looking for that I don’t already have?!
Manager: Well….
H.R. Rep.: Allow me to step in here.
Manager: (Relieved) Please do.
H.R. Rep.: (Steps closer to Employee, who instinctively leans back in the chair) Frankly, it’s not us or the position requirements: it’s you.
Employee: (Blinks a few times) I don’t follow.
H.R. Rep.: This new role would have you supervising 20 of your current coworkers and, to be blunt, none of them like you.
Employee: That’s ridiculous! I get along with everybody!
H.R. Rep.: (Consults a tablet) There’ve been several complaints lodged against you in the past few years –
Employee: Which were resolved amicably and we all work together splendidly now! Some of my best friends are my coworkers!
H.R. Rep.: There’s a complaint currently in progress that was lodged right before you applied for the new position.
Employee: That one’s just being a pill – I should be the one lodging a complaint against… what’s-their-name, for wasting my time!
H.R. Rep.: (Consults the tablet again) You’ve also been written up at regular intervals for “inappropriate use of company equipment.”
Employee: What on Earth does that even mean?!
H.R. Rep.: Using the company’s Wi-Fi network to check your social media accounts and shop online.
Employee: Oh. Well, when else am I supposed to do all that when I’m always working overtime?!
Manager: (Leans forward) No one asked you to!
Employee: (Leans forward) I’M A GOOD TEAM PLAYER!
H.R. Rep.: Speaking of which – (Consults the tablet again) you’ve been noted on several annual evaluations to basically leave coworkers on group projects to do your work in addition to theirs while you go off on frequent vacations or say you’re too busy doing what turns out to be lower priority tasks.
Employee: …It was just that one time!
Manager: It’s been every time!
Employee: (Points finger at Manager) Listen: I am extremely busy, I have so many plates in the air, who are you to tell me – (Points finger at self) what’s “high” and “low” priority?!
Manager: As your manager, it is literally my job to tell you what to do!
Employee: (Raises an eyebrow and leans back again while muttering) Pushy.
H.R. Rep.: (Consults the tablet again) You also –
Employee: Not to interrupt, but I’m going to anyway: if you’re just going to list my supposed sins and go on about how suddenly no one wants to work with me, with the bottom line being I’m still not getting the position, then I have better things to do right now and a concert ticket sale for which I am losing my spot in the queue with every passing second!
H.R. Rep.: (Shares a look with Manager) Yeah, the other part of this meeting is: the new position requires more from the department’s budget, so we have to cut a full-time employee to make up for that and decided you’re it.
Employee: (Glares at both of them for several moments) Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Manager: (Stands; Employee does the same) You’ll have two weeks to finish up any outstanding projects and leave notes for all the others who have to pick up whatever slack you haven’t already left them, so don’t spend that time – (Leans over to read from the tablet H.R. Rep. holds out) catfishing people on dating sites, or running your online poker tournament, or cyberbullying the temps into doing your monthly reports for you!
Employee: (Sneers at both while heading to the door) Oh, you know I’m gonna!
H.R. Rep.: Well that certainly makes this decision much easier – we may need to have Security escort you out, then.
Employee: Good, I need the excitement in my life!
H.R. Rep.: Oh, and one more thing –
Employee: (Hand on the doorknob) What now?!
H.R. Rep.: As you're still technically a current employee, I’m required to wish you a Happy Labor Day Weekend.
Employee: …Yeah, you too.
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