Story 599: The Audience Really Does Make the Show

            (In the backstage area of a makeshift wrestling arena, professional wrestlers mill about warming up and getting into character; on the other side of the curtains, audience members take their seats in the folding chairs around the center ring)

Wrestler 1: (Doing push-ups against a wall while Wrestler 2 is doing lunges) Wait, so am I now kicking you in the stomach or bashing you in the head with a chair after the first pin?

Wrestler 2: Kick to stomach; I roll out of the ring, then I bash you with the chair when you come after me.

Wrestler 1: Got it.  Is it a bad sign I’m starting to mix up choreography from one match to another?

Wrestler 2: I’ll try to cover for you if it happens, but I wouldn’t let anyone else hear you say that.

Wrestler 1: Thanks.  I don’t think the audience really cares as long as we’re continually beating each other up, am-I-right?

Wrestler 2: (Switches to squats) To a point, but if you go for a clothesline at the same time I go for a backbreaker, I think we’re all gonna have a problem.

Wrestler 1: Heh-heh, yeah.

(Announcer rushes in, looking stressed)

Announcer: (Waves Wrestlers and Referee in closer) Everyone, huddle up please, I’ve got some news.

Wrestler 3: (As everyone gathers around) What, are we all fired?!

Announcer: No!  Why would you even think – ?  Never mind: I just found out that there’s been a slight mix-up in venues, so our audience for today’s show is not exactly our… regulars.

Referee: How do you mean?

Announcer: Well... I was told that this space was advertising Romeo and Juliet for today.

(The others howl with laughter, then trickle off)

Wrestler 4: Wait, you’re serious?!

Announcer: `Fraid so.

Referee: So why don’t we just pack up and move to the right venue now?

Announcer: It’s too late for us to move all our stuff out and the other show to move all their stuff in – everyone literally just found out the mistake when the audience here showed their tickets about 10 minutes ago.

Wrestler 5: And no one walked out?!

Announcer: Some did, but the majority didn’t want to drive another hour in city traffic to get to the right show, so they figured might as well stay with full refunds.

Wrestler 5: (Nods) Ah, lazy: I get it.

Announcer: (Briskly rubs hands together) So!  Same show as usual, just don’t expect as much… interaction as you normally get, `K?

Wrestler 6: (Raises hand) Ooh!  Can I finally do my Hamlet monologue during my entrance, pleeeeeeease?!

Announcer: Ergh, fine, do a few lines, but don’t be disappointed if you just remind them what they’re missing out on.

Wrestler 6: (Fist pumps) Yes!  Drama degree finally paying off!

Announcer: All right, everyone, let’s give `em a show!

Wrestlers and Referee: YEAH!

Usher: (Peaks head through the curtains separating the backstage from the frontstage) Hi, sorry to interrupt, but you could you all keep it down a little back here, please?  You’re making the crowd out there nervous.

Announcer, Wrestlers, and Referee: (In a whisper) SORRY!

(In the arena, the business-casual dressed audience members sit quietly in the first two rows of folding chairs on all four sides surrounding the ring.  The lights dim, then blaze in multicolor frenetic motion on the entrance ramp leading to the ring; loud music blares out from the speakers as Announcer emerges from behind the curtains to polite applause; Referee slips through the curtains shortly afterward and unobtrusively enters the ring)

Announcer: (Microphone causes voice to echo loudly through the mostly-empty arena) LAAAAADIES AAAAAAND GEEEEENTLEMEN!  Have we got a show for you today!  (Two audience members briefly clap)  And now, our first contestant in our extravaganza of destruction!  Weighing 155 lbs and fresh out of anger management therapy, please welcome, DOOM-MAKER!  (Polite applause from the audience members)

Wrestler 1: (Flings aside the curtains and grabs the microphone from Announcer to address the audience) That’s right: I am your doom, and I am here to rough!  Stuff!  Up!  (Staggered applause from the audience members) I don’t need your pity cheers!  I don’t need any of you, AHAHAHAHAHA!!!  (Several audience members start to stand up to leave) No, I’m kidding, please stay!  (They sit back down as Wrestler 1 hands the microphone back to Announcer and then jogs down the ramp to enter the ring)

Announcer: What a fiend!  And now, weighing 150 lbs and looking for trouble in all the right places, please welcome, APOCALYPSE RISEN!

Wrestler 2: (Runs out through the curtains, pointing and yelling at Wrestler 1 as the audience members at the end of either side of the ramp shrink away) I’m coming for YOU, d’ya hear me?!  I’m coming for YOU!

Wrestler 1: (Standing in the center of the ring, spreads arms wide as Wrestler 2 hops up through the ropes) Come and get me, I’m right here!

Audience: [Polite applause]

Referee: (Struggling to separate the two Wrestlers who are lunging toward each other) Let’s have a nice, clean match, OK?!

Wrestler 1: You wish!

Wrestler 2: Oh, it is ON!

Referee: Aaaaand – BEGIN!  (Releases the Wrestlers and steps back as the loud music stops and a bell clangs to signal the start of the match)

Wrestler 1 and Wrestler 2: (Grabbing the back of each other’s head) AAAAHHHH!!!!

Audience: [Stunned silence]

(Wrestler 1 throws Wrestler 2 onto the ring’s mat)

Wrestler 2: (Exaggeratedly twitches around) Ah!  My back!

Audience Member 1: (Leans in toward the ring) Oh no, are you OK?

Wrestler 1: (Leans over the ropes) No, he is not OK!  He’s going to be DESTROYED!

Audience Member 1: (Sits back) Oh dear.

Referee: (To Wrestler 1) You: off the ropes!  (Starts counting with exaggerated hand gestures) ONE!  TWO! –

Wrestler 1: (Gets off the ropes to get in Referee’s face) Get outta my face, Ref!

Audience Member 2: Rude.

(Wrestler 2 suddenly grabs Wrestler 1 by the ankle and yanks the latter down onto the mat)

Audience Member 3: Hey, that’s cheating!

Audience Member 4: I must say, even if it’s technically a legal maneuver, it shouldn’t be allowed all the same; it’s just not cricket.

Wrestler 2: (Lifting Wrestler 1’s leg in the air while pinning the rest of him; Referee dives to their level and starts counting with exaggerated hand gestures and long pauses between numbers) Then we’re real lucky this ain’t cricket, eh?!

Audience Member 4: Well I never!

Wrestler 2: I bet you haven’t!

(Wrestler 1 breaks out of the hold before Referee reaches “THREE!”, then show-kicks Wrestler 2 in the stomach)

Wrestler 2: (Bowls over in fake agony) Ooooohhhhh!!!!

Audience: [Sympathetic wincing]

Wrestler 1: (Strutting around the ring, arms wide open toward the Audience, looking for cheers and/or boos) Yeah?!  Yeah?!

Audience: [Disapproving silence]

Wrestler 1: [Uncomfortable throat-clearing]

(Wrestler 2 suddenly rolls out of the ring and runs toward an empty row to grab an unused folding chair; Wrestler 1 also rolls out of the ring)

Referee: Hey!  Both of you back in here now!

Wrestler 1: (Turns to shout back at Referee) You’re not the boss of me!

(Wrestler 2 runs up from behind and bashes Wrestler 1 in the head with the chair, knocking the latter to the floor)

Audience Member 5: (Seated right in front of this, suddenly stands) Help!  Someone call an ambulance!

Wrestler 1 and Wrestler 2: (Each holding a hand out to Audience Member 5) No-no, it’s fine, everything’s fine – !

Referee: (Leaning over the ropes; to Audience Member 5) Get back in your seat, please!

Audience Member 5: (Slowly sits back down) This is worse than Titus Andronicus.

Wrestler 6: (Sticks head out between the curtains) NO IT ISN’T!  (Is pulled back by unseen hands)

Referee: (To Wrestler 1 and Wrestler 2) Get back in here now or you’re both disqualified!

Wrestler 2: (While re-entering the ring) All right, Ref, hold your horses!

Audience Member 6: (Leans down toward Wrestler 1 as the latter melodramatically struggles to stand after the head-bashing) Keep your chin up – just know I’m rooting for you, old sport.

Wrestler 1: (Pauses mid-stagger) …Thanks.

(After Wrestler 1 re-enters the ring, both Wrestlers deliver over-the-top slaps, kicks, punches, body-slams, and other mutual punishments to the resounding sound of silence, with an occasional whimper from an audience member)

Referee: (Gets a signal from Announcer and leans down to mutter as Wrestler 2 is pinning Wrestler 1) Wrap it up.

Wrestler 1: (With head clamped in a half nelson by Wrestler 2, mutters back) Now?  But we haven’t even gotten to the high-dives yet!

Referee: (Mutters) I don’t think they’d be appreciated.  (Louder with exaggerated hand movements) ONE!  TWO!  THREE!

(Bell clangs rapidly and loud music starts up again as Wrestler 2 stands in triumph and has an arm raised by Referee to be declared the victor)

Announcer: And the winner is… APOCALYPSE RISEN!

Wrestler 2: (Raises both arms) YESSS!!!  (Leans down to Wrestler 1 still lying on the mat) In!  Your!  Face!

Wrestler 1: [Moans in stage pain]

Audience: [Polite applause]

Announcer: (As Wrestler 2 exits the ring, circles the four sides of the audience looking for cheers and/or boos and receiving stunned stares instead, then follows Wrestler 1 who is staggering up the ramp) Coming up next: another epic match, another bout of obliteration!  Sit tight, folks, you don’t want to miss a single moment!  (Quickly turns and goes through the curtains to the backstage area, then points to Wrestler 6) You’re up next: recite the whole dang play if you have to at this point; we’re dying out there.

Wrestler 6: (Holding back tears) Really?  This is like a dream come true.

Wrestler 5: (Shakes wrists and rotates ankles to warm up) I don’t get it: I thought those Shakespeare plays are so bloody and what-not, you’d think everyone out there’d lap this all up.

Wrestler 6: (After briefly gargling salt water) Yes, well, the plays may often be bloody, but the audiences for them nowadays are pretty sedate; we would’ve done better with the groundlings at the Globe Theatre from days of old.

Wrestler 5: Yeah.  You know, that makes me wonder….

Wrestler 6: What?

Wrestler 5: How’s the other venue holding up, then?

Wrestler 5 and Wrestler 6: (Look off into the distance to ponder) Hmmm…. 

THE OTHER VENUE 

(Romeo and Juliet, Act III, Scene I is being performed on a gymnasium stage as casually dressed audience members rowdily watch)

“Mercutio”: “O calm, dishonorable, vile submission!  Alla staccata carries it away.”  (Draws a prop sword)

Audience: Ooooooohhhh!!!!

“Tybalt”: “I am for you.”  (Also draws a prop sword)

Audience: Whoooooooooaaaaaaaa!!!!

“Romeo”: “Gentle Mercutio, put thy rapier up.”

“Mercutio”: (To “Tybalt”) “Come, sir, your passado.  (“Mercutio” and “Tybalt” begin stage sword fighting)

Audience: (Standing as one) YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!  DESTROY HIM!!!!!!

(The fight and dialogue continue until “Mercutio” is “stabbed” by “Tybalt”)

Audience: YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!/BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

“Mercutio”: “I am hurt.   A plague o’ both houses!”

Audience Member 7: You tell `em, Mercutio!

(After more dialogue and fighting, “Romeo”  “stabs” “Tybalt”)

Audience: (Still standing) YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!/BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Audience Member 8: Oh no, Tybalt!

Audience Member 9: Finally, Romeo!  About time you did something, you twit!

(Backstage, Director raptly watches the action both on-stage and in the seats as Venue Owner approaches)

Venue Owner: (Quietly to Director) Again, I am so sorry for the mix-up – I don’t even know how to begin making up for it!

Director: (Without looking away from the two sets of crowds) Hm?  Oh, don’t even worry about it.

Venue Owner: …For real?

“Prince”: “Immediately we do exile him hence.”

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Audience Member 10: Justice for Tybalt!

Audience Member 11: Romeo did nothing wrong!

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Director: (Grinning wildly; to Venue Owner) Are you kidding?  Other than their extreme disappointment that Juliet wouldn’t hip toss Romeo over the balcony earlier, this is probably the most enthusiastic audience we’ve ever had!

Story 465: Election Debate Match

(In a wrestling arena, the Crowds cheer and wave signs with their favorites’ names, likenesses, and slogans)

TV Announcer: (Addressing a camera and straining to be heard over the background roar) Good evening fans, and welcome to the final round of debates in this year’s gubernatorial election.  In the interests of time and attention spans, we are grouping our contestants – I mean, candidates – into pairs of two, with the winner of each debate advancing to the next round; the final winner will be the one elected governor.  Typically, there are no actual winners of debates in their usual format, but since elections are decided by the public anyway, we’ll be using audience feedback on each match – I mean, session – to determine which candidate they like better.  (Turns toward an off-screen disturbance) And it looks we’re beginning now.

(The camera turns to the arena entrance as dramatic music swells and dramatic lighting focuses both on that area and on the screaming Crowds lining each side of the runway leading to the ring)

Ring Announcer: (Unseen voice fills the arena) Good citizens all, welcome to tonight’s FINAL DEBAAAAATE!!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

Ring Announcer: And now, please welcome, Candidate Numberrrrr Onnnnnnnnneeee!!!!

Crowds: (Cheer and boo simultaneously) Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

(A spotlight shines on Candidate 1 standing in the entranceway, wearing a business shirt with cutoff sleeves and long athletic shorts, and holding two signs high in the air, one reading “FILIBUSTER” and the other reading “SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS”.  Candidate 1 stands there for a few moments, then walks down the runway while regularly smashing the signs together, pausing a moment to scream at the TV camera that follows his progress to the center of the arena.  After sliding up onto the ring, he tosses the signs into a corner and is surrounded by a waiting entourage who towel him off, give him some water, and guide him to a waiting podium; he smiles and waves at the Crowds the entire time)

Ring Announcer: And now – (The camera turns back to the arena entrance as dramatic music swells and dramatic lighting focuses on both that area and the screaming Crowds lining each side of the runway leading to the ring) please welcome, Candidate Numberrrr Twoooooo!!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

(A spotlight shines on Candidate 2 standing in the entranceway, wearing an exercise tank top and business slacks, and holding a basket filled with pins which she grabs bunches of and tosses into the surrounding Crowds.  As she passes the camera she holds up a pin to show that it reads “VOTE FOR ME”, turns it around to show a $100.00 bill attached to the back, winks, and continues tossing pins to the enthusiastic audience until she reaches the center of the arena.  After swinging herself into the ring, she flings the empty basket into another corner and is surrounded by a waiting entourage who towel her off, give her some water, and guide her to another waiting podium that faces the one opposite; she has her picture taken multiple times while smiling broadly and giving two thumbs up with the massive Crowds in the background)

Ring Announcer: And now, please welcome, our Moderatorrrrrrr!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: (Wearing a referee outfit and baseball catcher’s protective gear, enters the ring from somewhere in the audience and addresses the Candidates) All right, you two: shake hands; make this a good, clean debate.

Candidates 1 and 2: (Stare at Moderator, then laugh hysterically)

Moderator: Fine, then just make this a good show.

(Candidates 1 and 2 shake hands vigorously while swiveling on a 360° axis to smile at the Crowds surrounding them as cameras flash everywhere; Moderator finally separates them and they return to their podiums, rubbing and flexing their previously shaking hands; the Crowds lower the volume on their screams a smidgen)

Moderator: Now, this first question is for Candidate 1 –

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

(Candidate 1 smiles and waves again; someone in the audience swoons and needs to be carried outside for fresh air)

Moderator: If elected governor, what do you plan to actually do in office?

Candidate 1: (Blinks a few times at Moderator, smile slightly faltering) “Do”?

Moderator: Yes, do.  As in, do.

Candidate 1: …Well, I’ll tell you what I’m not gonna do: I’m not gonna steal –

Crowds: Booooo!!!!!

Candidate 1: (As Crowds’ “Booooo!!!!!”s increase in volume) – and lie, and all-around abuse my position, like my opponent here has done, for the PAST FOUR YEARS!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: Candidate 2, your rebuttal?

Candidate 2: (Smiling extremely broadly) Thank you.  First of all, I would like to point out my humility in going second in these debates even though I am the current Governor and really should have been first in everything.

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Candidate 2: Having gotten that out of the way, I also would like to point out that my opponent’s accusations are completely without merit, and also made-up.

Candidate 1: Oh, “made-up,” you say?!  (Waves a hand to an entourage member, who gives him a stack of papers that he then waves in the air) Then what about all these charges on file with the State’s Attorney General’s office, hmmm???  (Cursorily flips through them) Fraud – bribery – ethics violations – obstruction – grand theft auto – and, most egregious of all, LITTERING!?  (Slams the pile of papers onto the podium)

Candidate 2: (Still smiling broadly while addressing the Crowds) Folks, my opponent here like to use a lot fancy words to distract you from the real issues that affect us.  You all know I’m a plain, simple gal, and I tell it like it is, so here goes: my opponent is a dirty rotten liar.

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: (To Candidate 2) Refrain yourself –

Candidate 1: (Interjecting; to Candidate 2) OK, OK, you want simple words?  (To the Crowds while pointing to Candidate 2) How about this: my opponent is a criminal, a LITERAL!  CRIMINAL!

Candidate 2: (Still smiling) Po-ta-to, po-tah-to!

Candidate 1: (Sputtering) That’s – it’s – this isn’t even a situation where that would apply!

Candidate 2: (Still smiling) …To-ma-to, to-mah-to!

Moderator: Let’s move on to the next question, this time for Candidate 2 –

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: If elected to a second term, what do you plan to actually do in office?  An addendum to that question is: aside from the list Candidate 1 so helpfully supplied earlier, what have you actually done in office so far?

Candidate 2: Well, I plan to continue the great work of standing up for the people, and not for certain groups who happen to be my buddies –

Crowds: Booooo!!!!

Candidate 2: (As Crowds’ “Booooo!!!!!”s increase in volume) – and bought my seat in the State Senate!

Candidate 1: (Is restrained from vaulting over the podium by members of his entourage) You say that to my face!

Candidate 2: (Likewise restrained by members of her entourage) I JUST DID!

(They both break loose from their followers and tackle each other to the floor of the ring, simultaneously trying to wrap their legs around the other’s body in a submission hold while also trying to half-nelson the other’s arms)

Crowds: (Flinging their signs into the air) RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(Moderator grabs each Candidate by the ear and slowly lifts them to standing as they disentangle their limbs)

Candidates 1 and 2: Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow –

Moderator: I declare this debate a draw –

Crowds: BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Moderator: Each of you will separately face the winner of the next round, and we’ll take it from there.  If you wind up having to debate each other again, the winner will be whoever annoys me and the voters the least.  (Releases the ears) Clear?

Candidates 1 and 2: (Rubbing their ears, looking down at the floor, and mumbling) Yeah, OK, all right –

Moderator: Fine, now get out of my sight.  (They grab their props and run out of the ring to exit the arena, followed by their entourages trying to give them water; Moderator takes off the catcher’s mask briefly to wipe sweat off forehead) All right, bring on the next set!

TV Announcer: (Back on camera) What an exciting night for the political process, folks.  I, for one, can barely contain my anticipation of the upcoming matches to determine who will be the next leader of this state and, possibly one day, the entire country.  (Listens to an earpiece for several seconds) I’m being told that the next debate will involve a long-time mayor who has fought tirelessly for permanent solutions to complex socioeconomic issues, and some rando who likes to yell at people a lot in the grocery store; naturally, then, this will be a cage match.  (A sign bounces off of TV Announcer’s head, who closes eyes only momentarily in reaction) So, stay tuned!