Story 541: I Thought Memorial Day Was for Summer Barbecues?

            (On the phone)

Friend 1: Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: Hi, just checking: do you have Memorial Day off this year?

Friend 1: Yes!  For the first time in almost 10 years, work finally didn’t schedule me on the most beloved of three-day weekends.  Of course, the one time it happened, it doesn’t matter: holiday’s ruined before it even started.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Well, my family was going to have an outdoor barbecue with the pool and the volleyball and the cornhole and the fireworks and everything and it was going to be awesome, but the forecast is calling for torrential downpours that day and we can’t do any of that stuff inside so they called it off and now I’m depressed.

Friend 2: Oh.  I actually was checking if you’d like to go to the parade with me that day, and since they’re having it rain or shine it seems you’re now available for it.

Friend 1: …Parade?

Friend 2: Yes, the Memorial Day parade our town’s having.

Friend 1: ….             

Friend 2: It takes over Main Street for three hours every year – surely you’re at least aware of that?

Friend 1: …Vaguely.

Friend 2: You do know what Memorial Day is about, don’t you?!

Friend 1: …Vaguely.

Friend 2: I’ll pick you up at 9:30 that morning – good-bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Lowers the phone and stares into the middle distance) …Our town has a Main Street?

MEMORIAL DAY

(In a steady rainfall, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are wearing raincoats and waving small American flags while standing with others lining the sidewalks of Main Street, watching the floats and musicians parade by and speeches made on a covered dais)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 during a brief break in the festivities) You know, I’m glad you dragged me out here super early on my day off – seeing all the active service members, veterans, and their families, and listening about how much they’ve sacrificed for our freedom and safety really makes me appreciate all the good things in my life and want to hug everyone here.

Friend 2: Glad to hear it.  Sorry you didn’t get to also go to your barbecue.

Friend1: (Shrugs) I suppose there’s always next year, but work’ll probably come to their senses and go back to scheduling me that day again.  (They watch the parade resume and start waving their flags again) I wish I’d been more aware of all this earlier in my life.  Did you know that all of May is National Military Appreciation Month?

Friend 2: (Freezes in mid-flag wave) I… never knew that.  How could I have not have known that?!

Friend 1: (Waves the flag self-satisfiedly) Guess you just learn something new every day, huh.

Friend 2: (Purses lips while waving the flag) How about you never bring that up again, and I’ll never bring up the fact that until last week you thought that Memorial Day existed just so you could go to a barbecue?

Friend 1: Sounds reasonable.

Story 540: How to Deal When the Ants Go Marching

            (Belowground)

Lead Scout Ant: (Addressing the colony) My fellows!  At long last, we have found the ultimate source of food and water that we have been searching for these many, many, many days!

Ants: (Waving their antennae in celebration) Hurrah!  Hurrah!

Lead Scout Ant: Abundance and plenty, ours for the taking!

Ants: Hurrah!  Hurrah!

Lead Scout Ant: And all we need do is travel to the surface, and seize everything in sight and scent!

Ants: Hurrah!  Hurrah!

Queen: (Perched on a throne of eggs waiting to hatch) Question: when you say “surface,” do you mean in a natural area or in a human-made area?

Lead Scout Ant: (Less enthusiastic) The second one.

Ants: Hurr – oh.  (Lower antennae)

Queen: Yeah, I can’t sanction such an expedition.

Lead Scout Ant: But food and water galore!

Queen: And when you’re all inevitably caught, you’ll not only get yourselves wiped out but those monsters up above will trick at least one of you into carrying back horrific poison that’ll wipe us all out.  So, no: find another source of abundance and plenty.

Lead Scout Ant: Rest assured, Your Majesty: in my forays, I checked with our eight-legged comrades – from a safe distance – and the general consensus is that this particular surface-dweller is what its species calls a “soft touch” when it comes to sharing space with fellow creatures.

Queen: Yes, well, those comrades are only suffered to remain in order to keep out the rest of us.  There’s a world of difference between “sharing space” and “full-on invasion” that we’ll be bringing on.

Lead Scout Ant: …On the refrigerator door I saw the markings “P-E-T-A” that you told us to look out for.

Queen: Sold.  (Raises front legs in triumph) CHAAAAARGGGGGGE!!!!

Ants: (Waving antennae again) Hurrah!  Hurrah! 

THE NEXT MORNING 

(Aboveground.  Homeowner wakes up slowly, sleepily walks from the bedroom down the hall, enters the kitchen, and freezes in horror)

Homeowner: (Staring at the lines of ants all over the place) Invaded!  I’ve been home invaded!  How did you all even get in??!!  (Tries to hop around the columns on the floors and the random wanderers who do not seem to know where they are going, but accidentally steps on some and sees that others had been trampled during the trip from the bedroom) Sorry – ooh – sorry – seriously though, you all have got – to – go!

Lead Scout Ant: It’s OK: we go into this expecting collateral damage.

(Homeowner reaches the bedroom, grabs a cell phone, and selects a contact)

Friend: (Voice) Hey, what’s up?

Homeowner: I’m under attack!

Friend: Oh my gosh – why are you calling me; call 911!

Homeowner: I can’t; they won’t come here to deal with ants!

Friend: Oh.  Is that all?

Homeowner: “Is that all?”!  They’re everywhere!

Friend: Leave any food out?

Homeowner: Never!  Well maybe a little –

Friend: No one to blame but yourself, then.

Homeowner: Listen: no one likes to hear “I told you so” on a good day, and right now I am two seconds away from never speaking to you again.

Friend: Fine, fine: what do you want me to do about it, then?

Homeowner: I need the number of that you company you called back when you had the ant problem!

Friend: Oh.  Why not just call an exterminator?  Or set out some bait traps?

Homeowner: You know I’m not a mass murderer!

Friend: Ugh, they’re just ants.

Homeowner: And we’re just apes with airs – at least they’re not killing our shared home as we speak!

Friend: No, they’re just sharing your home, eating your food, and spreading disease as we speak.

Homeowner: Point taken.  We’re never going to agree on these basic fundamentals of life, but your last roommate did and made you call that company that got rid of the ants without massacring them and I need that number now before they decide to breach the perimeter of my bedroom and try their luck here!

Friend: All right, calm down – I think I still have a card somewhere around here.  I remember the whole experience was kind of weird, though –

Homeowner: (Sees several ants hovering in the bedroom doorway) I DON’T CARE!  (Slams the door shut)

Ant 1: (To Ant 2) What was that for?  They all know we just go underneath.

Ant 2: I think the human is feeling a bit defensive right now – we’ll come back later.

Lead Scout Ant: (From the kitchen table) Hey everybody, I just found two whole crumbs under a placemat here!

Ants: SCORE! 

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER 

(There is a knock on the front door; Homeowner sets aside a dustpan and broom and hops over to answer it; Contractor is waiting, casually staring off to the side)

Homeowner: Hi, yes?

Contractor: (Turns to face Homeowner, whipping off sunglasses) You the one with the ant problem?

Homeowner: (Opens the door wider) Yes!  Thank you so much for coming over right away!

Contractor: (Tucks sunglasses into a faux leather jacket pocket, enters the house, and gingerly steps around the ant lines) Sure: we’re extremely specialized, so we’re never busy.  Where’s the source?

Homeowner: Oh, I think it’s these floorboards right outside the bathroom – no idea why, though: there aren’t any exterior windows or doors anywhere near it, but they just keep coming!  (Leads Contractor to that part of the house)

Contractor: (Slowly lowers down to the floor and watches the continual outpouring of the army) Um-hm.  Probably a crack in the foundation – there could be hundreds of thousands of these suckers, just waiting on line for their turn.

Homeowner: (Almost swoons) “Hundreds of thousands”?

Contractor: (Stands) Yep.  You could set poison bait and kill them all excruciatingly slowly, while also exposing yourself to even more chemicals than you’re already getting on a daily basis – BUT, since you called us, you clearly realize there’s a better way for all involved.

Homeowner: Please, anything: I don’t care how much it costs, I don’t even care how long it takes at this point, I just want them out!

Contractor: Very well.  (Reaches into another jacket pocket, pulls out a piece of chalk with a flourish, crouches down to the bathroom door sill, firmly and dramatically draws two thick lines on either side of the gap where the ants are emerging, and stands again, definitively) There.  That oughta do it.

Homeowner: (Looking expectantly at the floor) So now what, you set up your equipment to lure them all to where you marked off and they return from whence they came?

Contractor: No – this is it.

Homeowner: (Blinks at Contractor in disbelief) …What do you mean, “this is it”?!  “This” was nothing!  “This” was chalk!

Contractor: Yeah, no one’s quite sure how it works: it’s either the scent or they don’t like the texture, but either way they don’t want to cross the line.  You’ll still have the ones already out here, but no one else’ll be wanting to come in anytime soon, I guarantee it.

Ant 2,374: (Starts to emerge from the gap, then stops) Ah!  Chalk lines!  Flee!

Ants Below: Flee!

Queen: Figures.

Homeowner: I don’t believe this!  Your company is charging a ton of money, and all you did is draw lines that a child could do?!

Contractor: (Hands the chalk to Homeowner) Here: on the house.

Homeowner: What – ?!

Contractor: Reapply if necessary, but I highly doubt you’ll need to.  It’s quite effective.

Homeowner: It’s chalk!

Contractor: If for some reason a few enterprising souls manage to get through, the old stand-by then is duct tape.

Homeowner: DUCT TAPE!!

Contractor: The old adage that it works for everything is absolutely true, but it’s the more unsightly solution of the two so we usually go with the one that can be cleaned up later.  If they start coming in through the windows or doors though, I’d suggest you switch from chalk to caulk, heh-heh.

Homeowner: I refuse to believe that a massive army of single-minded creatures –

Ants: Hey!

Homeowner: – can be completely thwarted by something so juvenilely simplistic!  This has to be a scam – nothing’s this easy and actually works!

Contractor: (Mildly exasperated) OK: we can get some diatomaceous earth that will cut through their exoskeletons and slowly dry them out so they die of dehydration; you want to do that instead?

Homeowner: Ew, no.  Ew.

Contractor: So: chalk, and/or duct tape.  Spritz some peppermint oil or sprinkle some ground cinnamon if that makes you feel useful, but I’m telling you, the solution really is that simple.

Homeowner: (Stares at the piece of chalk) I guess I still have to pay you the full amount, huh.

Contractor: You know it.  But here, since I’m feeling so generous with my expertise – (Whips out two more pieces of chalk, positions them on either side of the remaining groups of ants, and draws lines that lead from the hallway to the open living room window, including the wall and sill) That should take care of the stragglers.

Lead Scout Ant: (As the remaining ants regroup) Will this madness never end?!  First we’re cut off from the colony, and now we’re being herded outdoors?!

Ant 3: At least it’s fresh air.

Lead Scout Ant: Not the point!

Homeowner: (Had followed Contractor into the living room) And they’ll all troop on out of here, just like that?

Contractor: I think you know the answer to that.  (They stare at each other for a few moments) I’ll e-mail you the final bill.  (Heads to the front door, opens it, then turns back) Oh, and don’t forget: you signed the non-disclosure agreement before I got here, so no revealing company secrets or we sue.  And free piece of advice: clean up after yourself when you eat – I could make a meal out of all the crumbs I’m seeing around here.  (Slaps the sunglasses back on) PEACE!  (Leaves)

Homeowner: (To the chalk) I was wondering why I had to sign a legal document for something so trivial. 

SEVERAL HOURS LATER 

(Homeowner is napping on the living room couch when the cell phone rings)

Homeowner: (Groggily sees that Friend is calling) Howdy.

Friend: (Voice) So, how’s the infestation?

Homeowner: (Sighs wearily) Over, thank goodness.  I finally finished scrubbing the floors and washing everything in the kitchen; if nothing else, this place hasn’t been so clean in years.

Friend: I’ll bet.  They make you sign the NDA?

Homeowner: (Sits up, more alert) Yes!  I’m assuming that’s why you didn’t just tell me how to take care of all this!

Friend: Got it in one: even though my roommate is the one who called them, I had to sign it too since I live there.

Homeowner: But how would they ever have known that you’d told me what to do?!

Friend: Hey: I’m not a liar.

Homeowner: Whatever.  I’m just trying to ignore that I had to spend an unspeakable amount of money on something that turns out I could’ve found myself through an Internet search.

Friend: Really?  Huh – for once I didn’t think of doing that first.

Homeowner: Me neither: the panic kept us from thinking clearly.

Lead Scout Ant: (Bringing up the rear of the ants leaving through the window, turns to shake a leg angrily at Homeowner) You may have won this round, but we’ll be back!  We’ll find our colony again, and swarm you like you’ve never been swarmed before, and victory will be ours, ahahahahaha – !

Homeowner: Hang on a sec: got a few remnants here.  (Grabs the chalk, walks over to the windowsill, and draws a line behind the exiting ants)

Lead Scout Ant: Curses!  (Flees with the others through the screen to the outdoors)

Homeowner: (Settles back onto the couch and tosses away the chalk) There – hopefully, that is that.

Friend: Well, if nothing else, I’m sure you feel satisfied knowing that you didn’t kill off thousands of critters in a torturous way or whatever you go on about.

Homeowner: I do, yes.  My credit card will have to be consoled with that fact, too.

Story 539: I Want to Break Up With My Internet Service Provider

            (In an apartment, Resident is working on a laptop at the kitchen table)

Resident: (Typing) “As they stared deeply into each other’s eyes, they felt the immense joy that is making the direct leap from Enemies-to-Lovers – ” (There is a knock at the front door) And there goes the muse.  (Resident closes the laptop, walks over to the door, checks the peephole, sighs from the depths, and opens the door to Internet Service Provider, who is holding a bouquet of roses and several gift cards) Oh.  It’s you.

Internet Service Provider: I got your message.

Resident: And?

Internet Service Provider: Can we talk?

Resident: (Starting to close the door) I really don’t have time to go over all this again –

Internet Service Provider: (Falls to knees) Please!  I’m begging you!  In the name of all we’ve been through together!

Resident: (Taken aback in mild disgust) OK, don’t embarrass yourself in front of the neighbors.  (Internet Service Provider stands) I’m listening.

Internet Service Provider: Can I come in?

Resident: What for?  You’re already in – you’re everywhere, actually.

Internet Service Provider: I know, but that’s background ether; this is more personal.

Resident: (Mildly rolls eyes) Fine, come in.  (Allows Internet Service Provider inside, closes the door, and leads the way to the living room for them both to sit on the couch; Internet Service Provider smiles and holds out the roses and gift cards) I’m not accepting any gifts until I’ve heard everything.

Internet Service Provider: Understood.  (Sets the items aside on the couch) So!  We’ve been together for a long time now, haven’t we?

Resident: Yeah, I think about seven years now, right?

Internet Service Provider: Seven years, four months, 10 days, eight hours –

Resident: I get the picture.  Time flies, I guess.

Internet Service Provider: It sure does!  (Stares soulfully into Resident’s eyes) You’ve been happy this whole time, right?  I’ve made you happy this whole time, right?!

Resident: When you’re working right, yeah.

Internet Service Provider: (Smile is now strained) You know certain circumstances are out of my control.

Resident: Oh, I understand when the power’s out, thunderstorms, all that; not your fault, no problem.

Internet Service Provider: Thank you.

Resident: It’s the regular Internet outages on clear sunny days with absolutely nothing else going on that, shall we say, get me down.

Internet Service Provider: Again, that’s due to circumstances outside of my control –

Resident: Such as faulty equipment?

Internet Service Provider: It gets fixed right away, doesn’t it?!

Resident: Usually; I’ll give you that.

Internet Service Provider: (Wails) Then why do you want to leave me??!!

Resident: I told your customer service rep on the phone earlier: you priced yourself out of my budget.

Internet Service Provider: Quality costs money, you know that!

Resident: Then how come the same quality from another company costs almost half of what you charge?

Internet Service Provider: Because they’re sneaky little sell-outs!  You gotta watch your bill with them all the time, and they’d never take care of you like I do!

Resident: (Folds arms) OK then: make me a better offer.

Internet Service Provider: Is that what this is all about?  All our years of devotion to each other, boiled down to a question of mere money?!

Resident: Well, yes: I made that quite clear to your rep when I called.

Internet Service Provider: (Buries head in hands) How crass; how crude!

Resident: How practical.

Internet Service Provider: (Sits back up and sniffs indignantly) Very well: if “Expense” is the only language that you speak now, then I’ll once again prove my dedication and worthiness to you.  (Holds out the gift cards again) I think you’ll find these more than quench your insatiable greed for “reasonable compensation”.

Resident: (Stares at the cards coldly and briefly) Those would maybe cover the overage for a month or two – the new bill increase is forever.  Guess you don’t care about me as much as you claim to, huh.

Internet Service Provider: (Drops the cards, sputtering) But – I – you – inflation!

Resident: And again, your competition seems to be able to handle it while you continue to flounder, with spotty service to boot.

Internet Service Provider: (Draws up in a dignified rage and speaks in an extremely controlled voice) I can knock $25 off the new total.

Resident: One-time or going forward?

Internet Service Provider: Going forward.

Resident: (Does a few mental calculations) Not ideal, but enough for now to keep me from going through the hassle of switching providers and having strangers come in here to rip out all your stuff and then again to put in all new stuff.  That’s a headache, let me tell you.

Internet Service Provider: (Brightens) So, that’s it?  You’re staying?

Resident: (Nods) I’m staying.

Internet Service Provider: (Drops to the floor and grabs Resident’s knees) Oh, thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!!!

Resident: But!  (Internet Service Provider looks up) That bill goes up a single dollar after that and we’re through, got it?

Internet Service Provider: (Avoids Resident’s gaze while gathering up the items) Sure….

Resident: (Narrows eyes at Internet Service Provider, then grabs the flowers and the cards from the latter) And I’m keeping these, for the aggravation alone.

Internet Service Provider: (Stands with Resident) Of course, they’re for you!  Anything you want, everything I have is for you!

Resident: (Ushering Internet Service Provider to the door) Free modem rental, then?

Internet Service Provider: (Stops) Well, when I say “anything” –

Resident: Yeah – bye.  (Shoves Internet Service Provider out the door)

Internet Service Provider: (Leans back inside) Oh, one more thing: when you get the customer satisfaction survey, can you make sure to say how much I value you and how much you appreciate what I’ve done to treat you right and keep you with me forever?

Resident: At the moment, that’s debatable.

Story 538: Trying to Call Out From Work on Mother’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Mother’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: So I’ve been told.

Manager: You’ve also been told that I already gave the day off to the mothers among us, and the rest of you either needed to have requested off three months ago and hope for the best or take another day off to make up for it if you wanted.

Employee: I do recall that.  However, I should make you aware at long last that I, too, am a mother.

Manager: Since when?!

Employee: It has been my private shame these past five years: the Baron refuses to acknowledge not only me, the one true love of his life, but also his 12 illegitimate children, whose presence, if revealed, would divide his estate into so many portions that even his so-called legal heirs would barely get a dime, and the horrendous scandal would tear his country apart.  The least I could get out of this stressful ordeal is one day with my offspring serving me breakfast in bed, don’t you think?

Manager: You’ve had 12 children in five years?

Employee: …There were a few sets of triplets in there.

Manager: You’re still working today.

Employee: OK-OK-fine; if that tragic tale doesn’t move your cold heart to tears, then I must tell you directly: I rescued a gaggle of orphaned goslings last night, and they imprinted on me.

Manager: Really.

Employee: I am now the matriarch of an interspecies family – how can you ask me to walk away from that enormous responsibility on today of all days?!

Manager: Well, I’m not asking.

Employee: Glad we agree.

Manager: I’m telling you directly: if you don’t come into work today, you’ll have all the time you like to mother your feathered children because you won’t be spending it here.

Employee: (Sighs) You leave me no choice, then.

Manager: Here it comes.

Employee: I swore never to reveal this to a single modern soul, but you have pushed me to the brink: my true name is… Eve.

Manager: OK…?

Employee: As in, the Mother of All Humanity.

Manager: Oh, for crying out –

Employee: Peace, my child: I have long since forgiven you and your brethren’s slanderous lies that I am solely responsible for getting us kicked out of Paradise – I seem to recall your Father going along with the fun until we got caught, which is retroactively typical.

Manager: Whatever: you still have an eight-hour shift coming up in 20 minutes.

Employee: All right!  The truth is, I’d promised my mom that I’d request off Mother’s Day this year but then I lost track of time and when I finally remembered it was a week away and I ran out of people who could switch days with me and now she’s gonna give me the disappointed look for the rest of my life!

Manager: Now why didn’t you just lead with that?  I still can’t switch days for you but I know at least one person doesn’t want to work tonight anymore, so if you take their closing shift and they work your mid-shift then you’ll at least get to do brunch or something with your mom today.

Employee: Yes!  That’d be perfect – you’re a lifesaver, thank you!

Manager: You’re welcome.  I gotta make a few phone calls now to set this up, so I’ll see you at 5, OK?

Employee: That’d be swell!  You’re a great “mom” to all of us here, you know that?

Manager: Certainly feels like it.

Story 537: The Ultimate Thrill Ride

             (At an extremely large outdoor amusement park)

Sibling 1: (After purchasing admission and putting on a wristband while handing another over to Sibling 2) I can’t believe how prices just keep going up and up and up from when we went here as kids!  At this rate, inflation’ll never end!

Sibling 2: I can’t believe you make the same observation every time you buy something lately.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Do I?

Sibling 2: Yes.  I wouldn’t have mentioned it, but I just know you’d say it again when we get something to eat and when we go to the arcade and when we do pretty much anything else here, so I decided to head you off at the pass and save myself the aggravation of having to hear it.

Sibling 1: (Mildly miffed) Wow.  I had no idea – is there anything else I do that irritates you while we’re on the subject?

Sibling 2: Well, now that you bring it up –

Sibling 1: Forget it: right now I wanna go on the swings and have a good time, and by gum, I’m gonna!  (Runs to that ride’s line)

Sibling 2: (Strolls after) Sure – no one’s stopping you.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Sibling 1: (As both make their fifth circuit through the amusement park) I think we hit all the highlights we wanted, right?  I still can’t get over how amazingly short the lines are!

Sibling 2: Yep: can’t beat going here on a Thursday in September.

Sibling 1: So, wanna do any repeats before we head back home and collapse in satisfied exhaustion?

Sibling 2: (Looks around) Well… not a repeat, but I’ve always had my eye on that one.  (Points to a space shuttle launchpad)

Sibling 1: (Laughs) Heh, yeah, OK.  (Looks back at Sibling 2) …You’re serious?

Sibling 2: Of course.  Why not?

Sibling 1: Because!  That’s the Rocket Ship Space Launcher – and it’s not hyperbole: it literally launches you into OUTER SPACE!

Sibling 2: Yeah?

Sibling 1: (Huffs in disbelief) I know you’re a daredevil, but even you have to admit that’s taking “thrill seeking” a bit too far!  I’m shocked it’s still in operation – last I heard, a group of riders got stuck in orbit and no one’s heard from them since!

Sibling 2: That’s an urban legend: they touched down in Antarctica a day later.

Sibling 1: WHAT?!

Sibling 2: Everybody was fine – eventually – I don’t see what the big deal is.

Sibling 1: Unbelievable.

Sibling 2: Well, I’m going on it; it you’re too much of a coward to join me, I’ll see you from the Moon, then.  (Starts walking toward the ride)

Sibling 1: (Grabs Sibling 2’s arm) Hold on: you realize this might be a little too much for you to handle, right?

Sibling 2: (As Sibling 1 lets go) Are you joking?  Don’t you remember the time I rode the Colossal Cavernous Cretinous Coaster?

Sibling 1: You must’ve been with your buddies on that trip – I’ve never even heard of it!

Sibling 2: (Chuckles while staring off in reminiscence) Few have, for only those deemed worthy in mind, body, and spirit are allowed to even learn of its existence, let alone ride it.

Sibling 1: …For real?

Sibling 2: (Still staring into the distance) It was a thing of beauty: 40 loops; 360° spins every five seconds; more than 80% of the ride is spent upside-down; the cars were reversed at least four times on the tracks; and our bodies completely broke free from gravity’s greedy grasp for a solid minute.  I’ve never experienced anything so transcendent in my entire life, and I doubt I ever will again.

Sibling 1: Oh, please.

Sibling 2: (Turns back to Sibling 1 and points at the launchpad) This one might run a close second though, and I think you should experience something that monumentally profound at least once in your life, too.

Sibling 1: I don’t get why I should: I already went on the Suborbital Slingshot with you today, against my better judgement.

Sibling 2: And you didn’t regret it, right?

Sibling 1: Mildly!  My stomach is still up in the clouds somewhere!

Sibling 2: So you won’t miss it when we go on this one – maybe you’ll get it back on the way down!

Sibling 1: (Sighs in defeat) You owe me.

Sibling 2: (Loops an arm around Sibling 1’s shoulders to lead them both to the ride) What for?  It’s not like I need a guardian or something to go on the ride.  If anything, you’ll owe me for the awesome experience you’re about to have.

(Since there is no line, the Ride Operator leaning against the control panel wakes up and straps Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 into their seats, placing spacesuit helmets over their heads and hooking them up to oxygen tanks)

Ride Operator: (Goes back to the control panel and grabs a loudspeaker) OK, keep all limbs immobile at all times; keep breathing no matter what; and if anything goes wrong, hit the red button on your seat.

Sibling 1: (Through the helmet’s microphone as Ride Operator completes the final pre-flight checks) And how are we supposed to hit the red button if our limbs are immobile at all times?!  (To Sibling 2)  The instructions need a little workshopping, it seems.

Sibling 2: (Bouncing lightly in the seat) Yeah, I wanna get off.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, yeah.  (Turns to Sibling 2 and sees that the latter’s face is extremely pale) Are you kidding?

Sibling 2: (Shakes head slowly back and forth) Nope.

Sibling 1: I don’t believe it – how is this any different from the Colossal Whatever-Whatever Coaster?!

Sibling 2: (Barks out a laugh) That was a baby ride – they had to wake me up when it was over so I would get out.  This?!  Is off the map!

Sibling 1: (Yells over the sound of a massive exhaust release from the ride’s engines) You’re the one who talked me into riding this thing, and now you wanna bail?!  You are not leaving!

Sibling 2: (Squeezes eyes shut as the ride begins to vibrate violently) I regret everything I’ve ever done in my life!

Sibling 1: AND I HATE YOUUUUUU – (Ride launches into space) UUUUUUUU…!!!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 scream as they exit Earth’s atmosphere; the capsule reaches escape velocity, then hovers in semi-orbit above the planet)

Sibling 1: (As they gaze out into the vastness of space) Wow.  Talk about transcendent.

Sibling 2: …Is that Mars?

Sibling 1: I think so.

Sibling 2: Wow. Makes everything planet-side seem rather insignificant and pointless, huh.

Sibling 1: I’ll say.  I’m starting to question the meaning of my whole existence right now.

Sibling 2: Same.

(A spaceship flies up to them and a voice beams into their helmets)

Voice: Earth Creatures: Return to your doomed planet and cease your pollution of the rest of the universe!  This is your final warning!

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: What in the –

(They scream again as the ride begins to free fall and re-enter Earth’s atmosphere)

Sibling 1: (Sees that both of their seats’ red buttons have started flashing) What does that mean?!

Sibling 2: Guess there’s an emergency!  It’s getting a little hot in here, so I think it’s a distinct possibility we may be burning up on re-entry!

Sibling 1: For the love of – so do we both have to hit a button, or does just one of us have to hit a button?!

Sibling 2: I dunno!  (Tries wriggling a thumb to the nearest button) I can’t reach it – what about you?!

Sibling 1: Maybe!  (Reaches thumb to the nearest button) Yeah, I think so!

Sibling 2: At least one of us’ll make it, then!  I would never have forgiven myself if it was me!

Sibling 1: Don’t be so dramatic!  I’m gonna hit it now!

Sibling 2: Go ahead!  And farewell!

Sibling 1: Oh, shut it!  (Hits the button; the ride along with Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 disappear from the sky and reappear back where they started on the launchpad)

Sibling 2: (Frozen in place, along with Sibling 1) Did we just get… beamed up?!

Sibling 1: …I think we technically got beamed down.

(Ride Operator runs over to them, takes off their helmets, and releases their restraints)

Ride Operator: Are you two OK?!

Sibling 1: (Slowly stands) Yeah?  We survived, I think.

Ride Operator: (After helping Sibling 2 stand) Awesome; I forgot before you boarded the ride: could you sign these forms, please?  (Hands over two computer tablets) You can just put your thumbprint on them at this point.

Sibling 1: (As both discombobulatedly do so) Sure, what are we signing?

Ride Operator: Only that you won’t sue the amusement park, the ride manufacturer, and/or me, and that you will never speak a word to anyone else regarding what you saw, heard, smelt, tasted, and/or touched while on the ride or all those parties mentioned will sue you, thanks-bye!  (Gently shoves them through the line gate, slams it shut behind them, and shuts down the ride completely, tossing up a sign that reads “Temporarily Closed for Maintenance”)

Sibling 2: (As both stumble down the steps back to solid ground, holding onto each other for support) That… was amazing.

Sibling 1: Now that we’ve safely landed back on Planet Earth, I actually have to agree.  (They eventually start walking more steadily and stop leaning on each other) Sorry I said I hate you.

Sibling 2: That’s OK; sorry I almost abandoned you at the last minute.

Sibling 1: That’s OK.  (They stop and look around at the crowds of families and friends obliviously going about their day, then simultaneously look up at the twilight sky) You think our lives are forever changed after experiencing something like that?

Sibling 2: I do indeed.  One doesn’t touch the stars and remain the same afterward.

Sibling 1: Huh.  (They look back at each other) So now what do we do with ourselves, knowing what we know?

Sibling 2: Hmmm…. (Looks off in thought for a few moments, then back at Sibling 1) Get some ice cream?

Sibling 1: Sweet.