Story 434: Playing for Your Life Is Ridiculous

 [Inspired by the recent Batman movie and the Riddler tie-in Web site]

(In an abandoned warehouse, Hostage is bound to a chair with a duct-taped mouth while Villain paces impatiently nearby, regularly checking a wristwatch.  Suddenly, Vigilante and Sidekick crash through the one glass panel in the ceiling and take some time rappelling down to the floor because their ropes are not long enough.  Villain and Hostage side-eye each other briefly as the other two finally leap the last 10 feet, tuck and roll to a stop, flip their respective tangled-up capes out of the way, and strike the Hero Pose with hands on hips, heads flung back, and feet planted firmly apart)

Vigilante: Aha!  And so, we have foiled your evil plan and found you at last, tucked away in your secret lair, aha!

Sidekick: Take that, scumbag!

Villain: …This isn’t my secret lair, and I specifically left the front door open so you could come in that way – didn’t you get my voicemail?

Vigilante: (Slightly tilts head to see the open front door, then turns back to Villain) So that’s exactly what you were expecting we’d do, and so – foiled!

Sidekick: To the max!

Villain: (Mutters) Cripes.  (Louder) Can we get down to it, please?

Vigilante: I thought you’d never ask!

Sidekick: Yeah, quit stallin’!

Villain: (To Vigilante while motioning to Sidekick) You know, this is why I expressly didn’t invite that one – never mind, forget it, moving on.  (Strikes the Villain Pose with hunched shoulders, twiddling fingers, and sinister expression) And so, my fine antagonists –

Vigilante: Actually, we’re the protagonists – you’re the antagonist.

Villain: We’re all our own protagonists and each other’s antagonists!  (Cracks neck while calming down) Ahem.  And so, you have come here in a pitiful attempt to rescue this – (Gestures to Hostage) creature in my clutches, have you?

Vigilante: Why, yes, that’s the reason we’re all here today – I thought that was understood.

Villain: For the love of – deep breaths, deep breaths – now, here’s the deal: I have placed several large sticks of fireworks under this chair.  (Grandly gestures to said fireworks piled high under Hostage’s chair)

Vigilante and Sidekick: Gasp!

Villain: Precisely!  (Holds up a detonator) And I will set them off at a moment’s notice –

Vigilante and Sidekick: Double gasp!

Villain: However – !

Vigilante: Oh thank goodness.

Villain: I am willing to spare this miserable wretch’s trip to the Moon, if you can answer these questions three!

Vigilante: Oh no!  Wait, why?

Villain: Mwahahaha – sorry, what?

Vigilante: Why would you let anybody go just like that? 

Sidekick: Yeah, you already got `em helpless and set these things up hours ago – why not just let `er rip?

(Hostage shakes head vigorously while straining against the chair and yelling through the duct tape)

Villain: Come on, it’s my whole shtick!

Vigilante: Then why do we have to answer the questions; shouldn’t you be making your victim answer and we just come in as an assist?

Villain: You know darn well that you’re my real target, so don’t play coy with me!  And so, let us begin: Question 1 –

Vigilante: (Holds up a finger) Hang on, before we start –

Villain: OMG, WHAT?

Vigilante: I’m not really good at these things.

Sidekick: Yeah, I’m better at logic puzzles myself, like “If a train is leaving City A at 200 kph and a train is leaving City B at 230 kph – ”

Villain: One more word out of you and you’re playing catch with a rocket booster here.  (Sidekick zips up) Now, Question 1: What’s black and white and read all over?

(Vigilante and Sidekick stare blankly at Villain; Hostage starts struggling and yelling again)

Vigilante: Could you repeat the question, please?

Villain: Seriously? That’s a softball one to lure you into a false sense of security, and you don’t know it?!

Vigilante: Give me a minute!

(Hostage’s yells and struggles get louder)

Villain: (Looks down at the noise) Well that’s getting annoying.  (Rips off the duct tape)

Hostage: OWWWWWW!!!!

Villain: (Winces) Ooh, sorry – I always forget how ripping off a bandage feels for something like this.  So, you have something to share with the group?

Hostage: (After working out jaw) A newspaper!

Vigilante: Huh?

Hostage: That’s the answer!  A newspaper!

Vigilante: Newspapers aren’t red – they’re just black and white.

Hostage: What?!

Villain: (To Vigilante) It’s a homophone, you dolt!  R-E-A-D, not R-E-D!  Although, that is part of the joke, so I can see where the confusion lies.

Sidekick: I thought it was a riddle, not a joke?

Villain: (Picks up a firework and shakes it at Sidekick) Don’t make me toss one of these at you; I’m saving them for our friend here.  (Throws it back under the chair) Anyway, that really shouldn’t count since you – (Points to Vigilante) were the one supposed to answer, but I’ll allow it.

Hostage: It’s my life at stake here, I should be allowed to pitch in!

Villain: Don’t abuse my generosity.  Now, Question 2: What word has all the letters in it?

(Vigilante and Sidekick hesitate a bit, then huddle up and begin whispering)

Hostage: (Jumping in the chair) Ooh – ooh – ooh –

Villain: Shut it; let them work it out for themselves.

Hostage: But why?

Villain: I’m getting invested in their mental struggles.

(Vigilante and Sidekick triumphantly turn back to the other two)

Vigilante: Antidisestablishmentarianism.

(Hostage slumps)

Villain: What – how – who – that doesn’t have all the letters in it!  Where’s the Z?  Where’s the Q?!

Sidekick: Where’s the omega?

Vigilante: (To Sidekick) It was your idea!

Sidekick: I heard it somewhere!

Villain: It’s one of the longest words in the English language, you twits!  Doesn’t mean it has all the letters in it!

Vigilante and Sidekick: (In realization) Ohhhhh….

Hostage: The answer’s “alphabet.”

Villain: (Points to Hostage) Yes!  Thank you!  Someone here has a brain!  Or at least heard that one before.

Vigilante: (Furrowed brow) I don’t get it.

Villain: No surprise there.  All right, final question and we can all go home; I’ll make this one really easy for you by using one you must have heard before.  Question 3: What travels the world but stays in the corner?

Vigilante: (Jumps up and down while raising a hand) Ooh, I know this one!

Villain: (Smiling excitedly and nodding) Yes?

Vigilante: A clock!

Villain: (Smile falls) No!

Hostage: (Rolls head back) Arghhhh….

Vigilante: Sure it is – well, I guess I should’ve said “grandfather clock”: it stands in the corner but travels as the Earth rotates.  So, it travels the world through space.

Villain: (Mouth is momentarily agape) Unbelievable.  Three gimmes, and you couldn’t even get one!

Vigilante: Sure we did, we got that one!

Villain: No you didn’t!  (To Hostage) You – what was the answer?!

Hostage: (Tiredly) A stamp.

Villain: (Back to the other two) You see!  This one lives in the real world!

Vigilante: (Light dawning) Ah, I get it now – that’s pretty clever.

Villain: Gee, thanks.

Vigilante: Mine was still right, though.

Villain: No it wasn’t!  There’s only one answer!

Vigilante: In your opinion – you asked a question that has multiple answers, so we shouldn’t be penalized just for choosing the one you didn’t pick.

Sidekick: Yeah, and technically, all we had to do was answer your questions three – you never said anything about answering them “correctly.”

(Villain's eyes bulge out in rage, then grabs a firework to throw at Sidekick)

Vigilante: (Stands in Hero Pose in front of Villain) Now-now, I see how this can be frustrating so we’ll make a compromise: ask us one more question, and this time make it really hard.

Hostage: (Practically standing with the chair) NO!  No, we are done here!  (To Vigilante) Either punch out this creep like you should’ve done in the first place – (To Villain) or set off the freakin’ fireworks so at least I’ll be blasted far, far away from here; just somebody do something to end this!

Villain: (Tosses away the detonator, uses a pocket knife to cut the ropes, and pushes Hostage toward Vigilante and Sidekick) Go on, get out of here – I’m disgusted by all of you right now.

Hostage: Hey, I got the answers right!

Villain: (Sinks dejectedly into the chair) Yeah, but you were supposed to be a quiet little victim throughout all this – the whole game’s been ruined.  (Waves the other three off) Now leave me be; I’m exhausted.  Unless you want to take advantage of my moment of weakness and turn me into the authorities?

Vigilante: Nah – you’ve clearly suffered enough at our hands.

Story 433: Video Game Racers

 (Downtime during a family party, Older Cousin wanders into the hosting family’s den and sees Younger Cousin sitting on the couch and playing a video game on the TV)

Older Cousin: Neat – which game is this?

Younger Cousin: (Continues zooming around the virtual course) “Surpassing Siblings Car Race: Grand Prize.”

Older Cousin: (Watches for a bit) Those characters look familiar….

Younger Cousin: Oh yeah, it’s the latest in the “Surpassing Siblings” series.  (Pauses the race, navigates through the system’s main menu, and retrieves a retro-looking, extremely pixelated game) Here’s a version using the original images: they labeled it “Classic Surpassing Siblings: Car Race.”

Older Cousin: “Classic”?!  But I played those games when I was a… kid.

Younger Cousin: (Resumes the first game) If it makes you feel any better, they’ll probably label this version “Classic” by the time I’m your age, which’ll be here before you know it.

Older Cousin: That does help, thanks.

Younger Cousin: (Finishes the race, picks up another game controller, and holds it out to Older Cousin) Would you like to play with me?  It gets a little routine playing against the bots, and my parents discourage me from going online too much and playing against potential trolls.

Older Cousin: (Slowly takes the controller and sits next to Younger Cousin on the couch) I don’t know – I haven’t played much of anything in literally decades, and never with this type of controller….

Younger Cousin: It hasn’t changed too much over the years.  (Points to the buttons) That one makes you go forward, that one makes you turn, this and that make you jump, and this and that make you throw things at the other racers.

Older Cousin: (Nods while examining the controller) OK, cool, I think it’s all coming back to me now.  (Looks up at the screen as Younger Cousin navigates the menu) Which character should I pick?

Younger Cousin: I usually go with Luis, so if you don’t mind me sticking with him then anyone else is fair game.

Older Cousin: (Navigates through the menu) I think I’ll go with… Baroness Berry.  I always liked her sass.

Younger Cousin: (Navigates through the menu) Is it all right with you we race on Topsy-Turvy-Twisty Trail?  It’s not too advanced: there’s only one wormhole hidden on the track.

Older Cousin: …That sounds just fine.

Younger Cousin: (Sets up the course) All right – first one who does three laps wins.  You ready?

Older Cousin: (Muttering while leaning forward on the couch, controller at the ready) Yep, it’s all coming back to me….

 SURPASSING SIBLINGS CAR RACE: GRAND PRIZE

(Luis and Baroness Berry rev their little cars’ engines at the starting grid, surrounded by eight other competitors)

Baroness Berry: (Holding a shiny ball; to Luis) Hey, I don’t remember this in the original game; what is it?

Luis: Glitter bomb.  Really throws everyone for a loop when it goes off.

Baroness Berry: Oh.  (Looks closer at the ball) Sparkly.

 3 – 2 – 1 – GO!

Luis: And we’re off!  (Zooms away down the track and immediately overtakes everyone in the race)

Baroness Berry: (Slowly moves forward, then begins to drift to the right) Hang on – (Tries to turn left, instead turns more right) Wait a sec – (Crashes into a wall, then starts sliding along it)

Robot Player 1: (While speeding by, slows down long enough to toss a projectile at Baroness Berry) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: Huh?  (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds)

Luis: (Slows down while passing by) Just toss your glitter bomb or anything else in your stash as these guys pass.  (Activates a rocket booster to fly over other racers and make up the lost seconds)

Baroness Berry: I’m still trying to figure out how to go in a straight line!  (Starts moving forward and begins picking up speed) Yes – (Passes several racers as they cross a lagoon) Yes – (A sharp turn in a sudden corn field comes up; Baroness Berry tries to turn with it but crashes into a wall again) No – (Slides along the wall, then starts driving in large circles in the middle of the track) No –

Robot Player 2: (Speeding by) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds, then throws the glitter bomb where Robot Player 2 is no longer) Revenge!  (The glitter burst all over the screen but no other racers are affected, since they all are on the other side of the track) So much for that.  (Starts driving in large circles again) No –

Luis: (Passing by) Try hitting the top button.

Baroness Berry: I am hitting the top button!  Why won’t this thing steer straight when I tell it to?!  (Starts to drive diagonally across the track, running over grass and random objects) Does it still count if I go this way?

Luis: (Using dry ice and dish detergent to confound and scatter the other racers) Not sure – never took that way before.

Baroness Berry: (Crashes into Luis on the other side of the track; both spin around) Oh, hello there.

Luis: Hi.  (Dry ices Baroness Berry)

Baroness Berry: Hey!  I’m losing anyway!

Luis: Sorry – force of habit.  (Zooms away)

Baroness Berry: (Moves forward, immediately crashing into a wall) Oh come on!

Robot Player 3: (Speeding by) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds, then zooms after Robot Player 3 and tosses a glitter bomb at the latter’s car; bull’s-eye) Aha!  Take that!  Hey, I think I finally got the hang of – (Crashes into a wall)

Luis: (Crosses the finish line to Robot Audience applause; to Baroness Berry) Not bad – let’s see our scores.

 1^ST PLACE: LUIS – 5,365 POINTS

-

-

-

10^TH PLACE: BARONESS BERRY – 4 POINTS

 Older Cousin: (Raises arms in triumph) Woo-hoo!  More than zero!

Younger Cousin: Yeah, you got a good shot in at the end there.

Older Cousin: (Sets the controller down on the coffee table and rubs eyes) Thanks, but I’m really feeling my age right now.  I can’t believe I couldn’t even steer straight!

Younger Cousin: Well, like everything else, it takes practice even if you’ve done something similar to it before.  You still got most of the basics down, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Older Cousin: Thanks, kid.  (Stretches stiff muscles and creaking bones) Whelp, stuff like this certainly put things in perspective.

Younger Cousin: That it does.  (Starts navigating the menu) Wanna go again?

Older Cousin: (Snatches up the controller from the table) You betcha.

Story 432: Make the Most of Mardi Gras

 SUNDAY

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 are walking in the park, the latter a bit gingerly)

Friend 1: How’s the ankle?

Friend 2: Surprisingly almost its old self – just don’t ask me to run anywhere.

Friend 1: I’ll try to remember not to.  (They walk in silence for about a minute) So, I decided this year I’m finally going to do it.

Friend 2: I think you may have had an entire conversation in your head where I wasn’t present: what exactly is “it”?

Friend 1: Right, sorry; have trouble distinguishing imagination from memory sometimes; I’m gonna do Mardi Gras this year.

Friend 2: Oh.  Well, that’s a bit last-minute – were you able to get a plane ticket and hotel that fast?

Friend 1: What?  Oh, no, I’m not going to Nooohhhrlaaaahhhns or anything like that.

Friend 2: I know the city is technically pronounced close to what you just mangled there, but maybe in your case stick to “New Orleans.”

Friend 1: Fine, whatever.  No, I’m not flying anywhere and making poor decisions surrounded by thousands of strangers: I’m staying here and making poor decisions surrounded by my furniture.

Friend 2: Lovely.  So, what’s the plan?

Friend 1: (Excitedly) Well, you know how pretty much every Lent I give up smoking since I don’t do that anyway and then my life remains unchanged for the month-and-a-half it’s supposed to be more uncomfortable than usual?

Friend 2: Vaguely.

Friend 1: So this year, I decided instead to give up candy.

Friend 2: (Stops suddenly and grabs Friend 1’s shoulder) Are you feeling all right?  You didn’t get some horrible diagnosis and this is your way of telling me?

Friend 1: (Chuckles as Friend 2 lets go of shoulder and they both start walking again) Oh, I’m probably due for one, but nope – I’m not going to have a single piece of candy for 46 whole days.

Friend 2: I thought it was only 40 whole days?

Friend 1: I count all the preliminaries to Easter – the week before was no picnic – and I hold no truck with those who say Sundays “don’t count” for this.

Friend 2: All right, circling back: you sure want to give up all candy, not just certain types?  I thought candy’s your jam.

Friend 1: I know, it’ll be a massive sacrifice on my part, I’m sure I’ll be remembered with the great martyrs of old –

Friend 2: Don’t push it.

Friend 1: – it’ll be good for my health, and I think mentally too, cutting out all that sugar for an extended time.  But first: Mardi Gras.

Friend 2: Ah yes, what’s your grand scheme for Fat Tuesday?

Friend 1: (Wrinkles nose briefly) Is that what it means?  Rude.  Anyway: I can’t ask off from work `cause there’s a big meeting I can’t get out of and some corporate whoevers are visiting and some State regulators are inspecting the building and we’re expecting to get cited for health code violations, but, the night is mine.

Friend 2: …OK, then what?

Friend 1: Then, I have the Ultimate Candy Feast.

Friend 2: Oh good gourd, my teeth hurt just asking: what does that involve?

Friend 1: My stash – I’m finishing it off.

Friend 2: I seem to remember you having a few dozen items in that stash, and the whole never getting smaller.

Friend 1: Oh yes, I make sure I’m constantly supplied, but my self-control –

Friend 2: HA!  Sorry, go ahead.

Friend 1: My self-control kept me from going through all that like a whirlwind.  That changes this Mardi Gras.

Friend 2: Well, be careful: too much of that stuff all at once will render your previous “self-control” moot.

Friend 1: I sneer at your air quotes and point out that I will pace myself much as a marathon runner does, and reach the finish line both satisfied and accepting of the long-term abstinence that awaits me.

Friend 2: Goodie.  All I can say is: good luck, and when you have your inevitable sugar overload, call 9-1-1 and not me.

Friend 1: Oh ye of little faith.

 TUESDAY

(Friend 1 sits at the kitchen table at home, surrounded by all types of candy)

Friend 1: (Muttering while unwrapping a chocolate bar) Inspections every month now – hour-long meetings every week – reports every day – wipe down all surfaces at start and end of shift – (Takes a huge bite out of the bar and chews loudly) I didn’t have a problem with my work station, so why does my life now have to be upheaved?!  (Stops mid-bite) Wait a minute: this is my Mardi Gras!  Carnevale!  A time for revelry and culinary debauchery!  Stop thinking about work, you fool!  (Wolfs down the rest of the bar and licks fingers) Ahhhh, sweet bliss.  (Suddenly looks at watch) Oops, time to start dinner.  (Grabs a bunch of caramels and shoves them into mouth while leaving the table)

(Several hours later, Friend 1 is sprawled across the couch, surrounded by wrappers and packages of candy, and watching TV with a glazed look while working on a lollipop)

TV News Anchor: – recent events truly confirm that yes, as a species, human beings really are the worst –

Friend 1: (Bites the lollipop off the stick while changing the channel) Amen – call me when the dolphins have finally taken over.  (Stars watching a movie) Ooh, here’s a good one to help pretend the rest of the world isn’t a wildfire.  (Starts heating up a marshmallow over a hot plate to make a s’more)

(Several hours later, Friend 1 has slowed down considerably and struggles to open a new bag)

Friend 1: Just – two more of these – to go – (Finally rips it open, then glances at the nutritional label on the back) “Serving size: 3 pieces” – heh-heh, please.  (Pops five pieces into mouth, grimacing a bit when swallowing) Oh yeah, no one tells me how to live.

(Several hours later, Friend 1 wakes up abruptly from a doze; the TV is still on)

Friend 1: (Waves arms wildly) Ah!  Candy cane ghosts!  (Looks around the room) Oh, they left.  (Sees that there is one last piece of candy in one last bag; resolutely takes off the wrapper and slowly brings it into mouth while chanting) Mardi Gras – Mardi Gras – Mardi Gras – Mardi – (Swallows the piece whole, then checks watch) Huh: midnight on the dot.  Perfect timing.  (Looks around at the mess and then stares off into the middle distance) Now if I can only keep this all down….

 SUNDAY

(Friend 2 calls Friend 1 in the morning)

Friend 1: (Groggily) Hi?

Friend 2: Hey, I didn’t get to call earlier this week and I wanted to check in: how was Mardi Gras?

Friend 1: Ohhh....

Friend 2: Was it all you dreamed of and more?  Did you have an absolute blast that’ll last you through the many, many days of utter deprivation that confront your suffering self?

Friend 1: Blistering sarcasm aside, there actually was one outcome from that night that was completely unexpected.

Friend 2: Really?  I can’t begin to imagine what.

Friend 1: Yeah, I’m sure you can’t.  Gloat all you want: I will never touch another piece of candy for the rest of my life.

Story 431: I Don’t Know How to Human Properly

 (In a doctor’s consultation room; it looks like a psychiatrist’s office – but it isn’t)

Doctor: (Sitting in an uncomfy chair and addressing Patient, who is lying on the usual couch and staring intently at the ceiling) So, what brings you here today?  (Pen hovers over a notepad, poised at the ready)

Patient: Well Doc, I’ve been alive for over three decades and it’s come to my attention more and more often lately that I’ve not been doing it quite right this whole time.

Doctor: (Pauses in taking notes) How do you mean?

Patient: (Shifts on the couch to face Doctor) Well, for instance, when you brought me in here you asked, “How are you?” and I said “Oh fine, thanks” and left it at that.  I just now realized I never asked how you were.

Doctor: (Chuckles and waves dismissively) Oh, that’s not much – we all do that sometimes, and today we’re here to talk about you, not me.

Patient: (Turns to lie back down on the couch) Yes, but it’s common decency and I couldn’t even think to do it until it was too late not to be awkward.  Not the first time by a long shot, either.

Doctor: (Starts taking notes again) Well, social faux pas are unfortunate but not problematic in and of themselves.  Is there anything similar that’s bothering you?

Patient: Yes.  Lots of little things like that, all day, every day.  Made me realize… I don’t know how to human properly.

Doctor: Oh dear, sorry you feel that way.  What’s another example?

Patient: Where do I begin?  Only the other day, one of my coworkers mentioned it was their birthday, and I said, “That’s nice, Happy Birthday,” and then later that afternoon the rest of the department whipped out a cake, card, and presents!

Doctor: And?

Patient: And I didn’t even think to do anything like that!  And I’ve been working with this person for almost 15 years!

Doctor: Well, we all have our strengths.                                                       

Patient: OK, then how about another coworker who’s having a baby soon, and someone in a different department said they’d throw a baby shower for her, and the other day came to me asking if I was planning on chipping in `cause they hadn’t heard back from me yet!

Doctor: To be fair, that actually could be a bit presumptuous on their part.

Patient: I’m the mom-to-be’s supervisor!

Doctor: Oh.

Patient: Yes!  And when I was asked that, it hit me that I should’ve been the one arranging the shower from the beginning!

Doctor: Yes, that is a bit basic.  How long have you been in this role?

Patient: Three months, why?

Doctor: You’ll probably be coming across a lot more of these types of situations.

Patient: (Slumps farther down the couch) Great.  I already have to remind myself when we have visitors to the department that I should offer them some water or coffee, only because one of my “subordinates” was kind enough to ask when I left some higher-ups from Corporate just sitting there while we waited for the CEO.

Doctor: Ouch.

Patient: And work’s not the half of it: I don’t even know how to act around my own family and friends sometimes.

Doctor: How so?

Patient: Well, when anything major comes up like a wedding, or a graduation, or a Bar Mitzvah, or a funeral, I find myself completely at a loss what to do, what to say, where to go, how to act, who to tip!  And everything I do think of to say to the guest of honor or the bereaved winds up sounding completely asinine!  And the few times I even think of it, how do I know when it’s appropriate for me to send over food?!

Doctor: This is all sounding very much like social anxiety.

Patient: I’d agree with you, but I come across the same… block, around people I’m comfortable with!  I’ve had a best friend since infancy, and when they told me the other day they’re going through a rough time all I could do was “Uh-huh” and trickle off the conversation because I had absolutely no idea what to say!

Doctor: You could’ve just listened.

Patient: (Turns back to Doctor) You see!  Everyone knows stuff like this instinctively, but I always have to be told everything and hope I remember it in time!  There’s something wrong with me, Doc – I missed out on the instruction manual on how to be a human being!

Doctor: (Finishes notes with a flourish) Well, you may be somewhat lacking in empathy and maturity and common sense in many instances, but this seems to be more of a case of ignorance and laziness rather than complete sociopathy.  (Patient double-takes as Doctor walks to the desk, takes what appears to be a smart phone out of a container, and begins entering settings on it) This is an excellent opportunity to test out a device I’ve been trying to patent – you can be my first human subject.  (Hands the device to Patient)

Patient: (Stares at the many features on the screen) What do I do with this?

Doctor: Think of it as a customized search engine: whenever you come across a social situation you don’t know how to respond to, just select the appropriate scenario and a whole bunch of suggested phrases and behaviors will display.

Patient: (Taps the icon for “Loss of Pet,” then sees “Friend,” “Relative,” “Acquaintance,” “Coworker,” “Supervisor,” “Subordinate,” and “Stranger,” taps “Friend,” then sees “Close Friend,” “Casual Friend,” “Social Media Friend,” “Potential Main Squeeze (Awaiting Confirmation),” taps “Casual Friend,” then sees “Say: ‘So sorry to hear about your fur baby/pet/companion’ – Do: Send pet loss sympathy card and/or make a donation to the local animal shelter (if pet’s name/species is unknown, skip second part).”)  Wow.

Doctor: I tried to make the algorithm as thorough as possible, so please let me know if I overlooked anything – it’s officially in beta testing now.

Patient: (Stands) Thanks, this should be really helpful!

Doctor: I hope so – come back in two weeks and let me know, would you?

 ONE WEEK LATER

(Patient arrives at a hospital as a visitor, carrying a small basket of baby supplies)

Patient: (Knocks on an open door of a room in Maternity and enters with a wide smile) “Hiiiii!!!!”

Coworker: (Sitting in bed and holding a newborn baby) Oh, hi!  Thank you so much for coming to visit!

Patient: “Of course!”  (Holds up the basket for a moment before setting it on a nearby table) “Since I missed out on the shower….”

Coworker: (Laughs) Aw, thanks, I missed out, too!  (To the baby) You were in quite the hurry there, little one!

Patient: (Surreptitiously glances down at the device peeking out of a jeans pocket and taps a button; immediately goes to the sink and washes hands) “Almost forgot!”

Coworker: Oh, would you like to hold the baby?

Patient: (Freezes a bit while drying hands) …“Sure!”  (Gently cradles the baby in arms and sits down slowly in a nearby chair; stares down at the baby while struggling to remember phrases) “Has your eyes”…?

Coworker: You think so?

Patient: (Looks closer at the baby and back at Coworker) Maybe more your hair.

Coworker: Certainly has a ton of it!

Patient: (Looks back down at the baby, who starts to fidget) “Oops, I think we want Mommy back!”  (Gently hands the baby back to Coworker and slides the device out of the pocket a bit again, glancing down) “So, when are they gonna spring you two from here, eh?”

Coworker: (Distracted by the cooing baby, then looks back up at Patient) Hm, sorry?

Patient: Um…. (Scratches head and leans forward slightly to cover up looking at the device again) “Did they say you and the baby can go home soon?”

Coworker: Oh, probably tomorrow, so that’ll be nice.

Patient: (Nods) “Uh-huh.”  “Nice.”

(Coworker’s Partner enters with two cups of water; Patient quickly stands)

Partner: Oh hi, thanks for coming by!

Patient: (Shakes hands after the cups are set down) “Of course!”  “Congratulations, you two!”  (Mini-waves at the baby) Three!  “I’ll let you all enjoy each other’s company now, buh-bye!”  (Washes hands again and backs toward the door)

Coworker: Thanks again for coming, and for the supplies, we’ll definitely need them!

Partner: (Sees the basket on the table) Oh yeah, thanks a lot!

Patient: (Still backing toward the door) “No worries!”  Um…. “Good fortune!”… Um… yeah, bye.  (Runs away)

Partner: (Smiles at Coworker and the baby) Seems nice.

Coworker: Yeah.  A little awkward sometimes, but improving.

 ONE WEEK LATER

(In Doctor’s consultation room – the two are in the same positions as before)

Doctor: Well?

Patient: (Beaming while holding up the device) It.  Was.  Amazing!  I was hardly ever at a loss for words; I almost always knew exactly what to do in almost any situation; and even when I stumbled or made a “Whoopsie!”, this thing always guided me back on track!

Doctor: (Taking notes) Excellent.  Your feedback is invaluable during the testing phase for this to be accepted as a legitimate medical treatment.

Patient: Great!  Would you mind if I kept it for a little longer, then?

Doctor: How much longer do you think you need?

Patient: Probably the rest of my life.

Doctor: That’s fine; I have several more test devices to distribute and the prototype stays with me, so you can keep that one forever if you like.

Patient: Yessss!!!  (Briefly hugs device to chest) You don’t know how much this has helped me; I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s changed my life!

Doctor: That’s good to hear – it’s always nice to know technology can be used for good without the potential for gaining sentience and taking over the world.

Patient: …Yeah, that too.

Doctor: Oh, one more thing.  (Goes to the desk, opens a drawer, and hands a piece of paper to Patient)

Patient: (Peers at the form) What’s this?

Doctor: Since you’ll be keeping the device, once the patent is inevitably approved this’ll be the monthly bill.  (Patient looks up in shock) I’m sure your insurance will cover at least part of it.

Patient: (Rapidly navigates through the device) “As a voluntary test subject, all equipment and medications involved in the study are perpetually provided free of charge!”  (Triumphantly holds out the device and mic-drops it onto the couch)

Doctor: Wow, that thing really does work in all scenarios.  I’ll make a note to increase my royalty demands.

Story 430: I Wasn’t Expecting Company Today

 (In the parking lot of Friend 1’s apartment building)

Friend 1: (Struggling to get out of the passenger side of Friend 2’s car while carrying skis and poles, which keep hitting the door frame) Did you ever have buyer’s remorse within an hour of purchase?

Friend 2: I am not driving you back to the mall; we barely made it out intact as it is.

Friend 1: (Constantly falling back into the passenger seat when hitting the door frame) Yeah, but people sure did get out of our way once I had these babies!  Oof.

Friend 2: You don’t ski!

Friend 1: (Takes a short break before trying to get out again) That’s a fallacious argument: I never had skis to ski, so now that I have skis I will ski.

Friend 2: If you’re going to randomly take up a sport then just rent the equipment at a lodge!

Friend 1: Oh.  (Falls back again)

Friend 2: Urgh; let me.  (Unbuckles seat belt, gets out of the car, walks around to the other side, and grabs the skis and poles from Friend 1)

Friend 1: (Gets out of the car and takes the equipment back) Much obliged.

Friend 2: You’d better be.  (Starts to walk back to the driver’s side but slips on some ice and falls) Whoop!

Friend 1: (Stares at the prone figure on the ground for a few moments) You OK?

Friend 2: (Tries to stand but winces in pain) Ah!  No, I think I sprained my ankle.

Friend 1: Drat.  You have a habit of slipping and falling on ice, and of course the one time you actually hurt yourself it’s in my building’s parking lot.

Friend 2: (Tries to stand by leaning on the car) Don’t they salt it at all here?

Friend 1: There’s always a valiant effort, but Nature will not be tamed.

Friend 2: (Still trying to stand) You think you can put down your impulse buys and give me a hand!  (Friend 1 shifts the equipment to one side and starts to clap) Don’t you dare!

Friend 1: (Stops) I couldn’t resist the opening.  (Props the skis and poles up against the car and helps Friend 2 stand) Here, let’s hobble back over to the driver’s side….

Friend 2: I can’t drive like this!

Friend 1: Sure you can; it’s not like the pedals need much pressure; cars practically drive themselves nowadays anyway.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1 as if the latter has two heads) I sprained my ankle: I need an ice pack to keep it from swelling up like a balloon and some bandages to wrap it up, then maybe I can drive myself home.

Friend 1: Oh.  OK, I’ll run up and get some.  (Starts to leave; Friend 2 nearly tips over and grabs onto the car again)

Friend 2: Hold it!

Friend 1: (Turns around) Yep?

Friend 2: I can’t believe I have to ask this: can you help me up to your apartment so I can maybe, I don’t know, lie down while treating my injury?!

Friend 1: Uhhhhhh… you can lie down in the back seat and I’ll bring the stuff to you; no need to exert yourself!  (Turns to leave again)

Friend 2: Halt!  (Friend 1 turns back slowly) I am saying this backed up by decades of friendship: stop being a pill and help me upstairs!

Friend 1: (Cringes, then puts an arm around Friend 2 for support as they both slowly make their way to the building’s elevators) OK, no need to get all weird about it.

Friend 2: Oh hush up.

(At Friend 1’s apartment, the former helps the latter inside, closes the door, and leads the way to the couch in the living room without turning on any lights)

Friend 1: Here we go, right this way, hold on a sec.  (Lets go of Friend 2, who leans against the wall; there are sounds of a number of objects being pushed off the couch and onto the floor)

Friend 2: (Looks around the gloom while taking off coat and gloves) Where’s the light switch in here again?

Friend 1: Huh?  We don’t need it; it’s still daylight out.

Friend 2: Well, it’s twilight in.

Friend 1: Here we go!  (Pushes Friend 2 onto the couch and throws a blanket in the general direction while also taking off coat and gloves) Be right back with ice and bandages!  (Hustles away to the sound of large objects being kicked out of the way)

Friend 2: (Snuggles into the blanket and mutters) Weirdo.

(After a few minutes of sounds of furniture scraping the floor and objects being tossed around in other rooms, Friend 1 returns with an ice pack and bandages)

Friend 1: (Starts to wrap both around Friend 2’s ankle) Lucky these things don’t expire, am-I-right?

Friend 2: (Takes the items out of Friend 1’s hands) I’ll take care of it.  (Holds the ice pack against the ankle, which is propped up on a pillow) You know, this’d be a lot easier if I could actually see what I’m doing.

Friend 1: Hm?  Oh, sure.  (Goes to the wall and lifts the light switch a smidgen) I’ll go make us some tea!  (Dashes to the kitchen and begins banging pots and cabinet doors in there)

Friend 2: (Shakes head and starts measuring out the bandage while icing; this lasts for about a minute before Friend 2 hops off the couch and pushes up the light switch to the max) What the blazes happened here?!  (The entire living room is an indescribable mess)

Friend 1: (Enters, screams, and throws self between Friend 2 and the room) You weren’t supposed to see this!  No one was supposed to see this!

Friend 2: I don’t understand; I just was here, what, a few weeks ago, it was nothing like this – (Gestures at the space in general) disaster!

Friend 1: Three months, OK!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: It’s been three months since I’ve had anyone over here; it’s been so cold I’ve barely gone outside unless absolutely necessary; I finally discovered online shopping and I keep ordering, ordering, ORDERING!  (Collapses onto the couch) I wasn’t expecting company today – if I’d known I would’ve shoved it all in the bedroom and welded the door shut.

Friend 2: (Gingerly sits next to Friend 1 and stretches leg out, still holding the ice pack against the ankle) It’s OK; once I can start walking on my ankle all right again, I’ll help you sort all… this.

Friend 1: (Sniffs and nods) I used to think I could never be one of those who ordered this much useless stuff, not in a million years, and yet, here I am, one of them.

Friend 2: Well, to be fair, this place never really was “company-ready” on a good day – there’s just more things to get rid of now.

Friend 1: Thanks, you’re a real pal.

Friend 2: Don’t mention it.

(There is a knock on the front door)

Friend 1: Who in the world?  (Stands and opens the door) Yes?

Technician: Hi, I’m here for your dryer vent cleaning.

Friend 1: Today of all days!  (Slams the door)

Friend 2: Wait a minute, wouldn’t you had to’ve made an appointment for that?

Friend 1: I think the landlord was trying to be helpful and made it for us.  We knew it was coming, but neither the day nor the hour. (Opens the door again to the Technician still standing there) Step only where I do.  (Leads the Technician to the laundry room; sounds of objects being tossed out of the way and heavy machines being staggered-stepped along the floor fill the air for several minutes before Friend 1 returns to sit on the couch) Glad to do my bit for fire prevention.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  (Lies back on the couch and Friend 1 helps adjust the icing ankle on a pillow) You know, seeing all this – (Points around the room at all the extra accessories and boxes with more accessories waiting inside) the out-of-nowhere ski purchase now makes total sense.

Friend 1: (Eyes widen) The skis!  (Runs out of the apartment and down four flights of stairs back to the car)

Friend2: (Closes eyes as the sounds of dryer vent cleaning combine with the crashes of more boxes falling to the floor) Just one of those friendships that’s comfortable but exhausting.

Story 429: Why Put Off Until Tomorrow What You Can Do Never?

 (In an office)

Coworker 1: (Agitatedly typing a sternly-yet-politely worded e-mail; conversely, <DING> is heard every time an e-mail is received) “And take that you mumble-mumble-mumble.”  That felt good to write; now backspace-backspace-backspace….

Coworker 2: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk and drops a large pile of folders right next to the keyboard) Here you go – bye.  (Starts to trot away)

<DING>

Coworker 1: Hang on a second – (Coworker 2 swings back around) what the blazes is this?!

Coworker 2: `Member when it was announced that the head of Marketing left and all the work was going to be divvied up across the company rather than go through the trauma of hiring and training someone who’ll just wind up leaving in a year?

Coworker 1: …Vaguely.

<DING>

Coworker 2: Well, this is your bit.  (Pats the towering pile of folders lovingly) All these files need follow-up, and at some point also need to be scanned into the database, `cause paperless is the future.

Coworker 1: (Grabs a few random folders to flip through) But there’re hundreds of pages here!

Coworker 2: I know, and I even gave you one of the smaller piles `cause I’ve got weak arms.  Everyone else here is quietly freaking out about this, if it makes you feel any better.

Coworker 1: (Tossing folders haphazardly across the desk; another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the pile and continues onward) It doesn’t!  When exactly am I supposed to do all this when I’m already behind on my regular stuff and on stuff not even assigned to me yet?!

Coworker 2: I dunno – maybe during bathroom breaks?

Coworker 1: Gross.  (Holds up one of the folders) And how’m I supposed to follow up on something like this; the last update’s almost two years old!

<DING>

Coworker 2: (Peers over at the page) Huh.  Guess it’s not high priority.

Coworker 1: (Tosses the folder back onto the pile) Un-flipping-believable.  Wait, I take it back: it’s completely believable since it’s the way every company has ever operated.  (Leans back into the chair and squeezes eyes shut as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the pile and continues onward)

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 2: Seems to me if nothing’s been done on that file for two years, then no one’s going to be looking for it anytime soon – you probably could let it go even longer and no one would notice.

Coworker 1: (Eyes fly open) Hm?

Coworker 2: I’m thinking a lot of files in there are like that: so far overdue, what’s another few days?  Or months?

Coworker 1: (Dreamily) Or years….

Coworker 2: I find most of my own work is like that: a lot of people make you feel like you have to get everything done right away, but 90% of the time, 90% of the work can be done late.  Even hard deadlines can be negotiated with… 90% of the time.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the piles of work on the desk and the files of work on the computer) I never realized.

<DING>

Coworker 2: Yeah, it’s great when you do: it’s the reason why I’m the only one in my department who actually takes a lunchbreak.

Coworker 1: You take lunchbreaks?!

Coworker 2: I do indeed.  And so can you, if you don’t let all this – (Gestures to the piles as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward) get the best of you.  Bye.  (Trots away)

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 1: (Turns to the computer and sees the massive amount of unread e-mails received in the past five minutes) Suppose I don’t have to answer them this exact second….

 ONE WEEK LATER

Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) Have you started working on the Marketing files yet?

Coworker 1: (Serenely typing a wellness check e-mail to a work friend) They’re my first priority.

<DING>

Manager: OK….

Coworker 1: After I finish the project you gave me last week.

Manager: Oh.  All right, but I would’ve preferred you’d finished that one, you know, last week.

Coworker 1: So would I, but alas: life.  (Nods at a coworker passing by who drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)

<DING>-<DING>

Manager: Hm.  Any idea when you’re going to finish that project, then?

Coworker 1: All in good time.

Manager: How about tomorrow?

Coworker 1: If it’s the will of the gods, then `twill be done.

Manager: It’s the will of me, so do it!  And start working on the Marketing files ASAP; I’ve got Corporate breathing down my neck about them and they’ll never realize the irony of the situation they’ve placed themselves and all of us in.

Coworker 1: No one ever does.  (Holds up a cup and saucer) Like some tea?

Manager: Not especially, no.  Now get back to work; I’ve let you lollygag long enough.  (Trots away)

<DING>

Coworker 1: Will do.  (Sips tea and gently sighs) So this is what it feels like to be one with the universe.

 ONE WEEK LATER

Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) So, did you start on those Marketing files yet?

Coworker 1: (Lying facedown on a long table while a massage therapist does their thing) All in good time.

Manager: The good time is now!  Are you telling me you haven’t looked at one of these yet?!  (Picks up a folder to shake at Coworker 1 as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)

Coworker 1: Oh, I did.

Manager: And?!

Coworker 1: They’re very pretty.

<DING>

Manager: You’re supposed to be following up on these projects!

Coworker 1: (Turns on side as the massage therapist adjusts position) Did you know, about 90% of things in life labelled as “Priority” really aren’t?

Manager: What?!

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 1: And probably 95% of projects in general can be left completely undone and no one either would ever notice or call you out on it?

Manager: That’s not true!  I’d notice, and I most definitely will call you out on it!

Coworker 1: Yes, but why stress yourself?

Manager: Because they have to be done for this company to function!  Now get going!

<DING>

Manager: (Glances at the computer screen full of unread e-mails, then back at Coworker 1) You gonna answer any of those?!

Coworker 1: (Rolls back onto stomach) All in good time.

Manager: (Tosses the file onto the desk and trots away, muttering) Why do I stress myself?

 ONE WEEK LATER

Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) This is the last time I’m going to ask you –

Coworker 1: (Knitting a blanket) Oh good, that’s a relief.

<DING>

Manager: Did you, or did you not, start working on those Marketing files, and so help me if you say “All in good time”!

Coworker 1: (Drops a stitch and unravels a section to redo it) I did.

Manager: (Blinks a few times) Oh.  Took the wind out of my sails a bit there, but that’s a good thing.  How far’d you get?

Coworker 1: Mm?  Oh, I’ll show you.  (Gently places the blanket and knitting needles onto a workbench, opens a file cabinet drawer, pulls out a thin folder, and drops it onto the desk) That far.

Manager: (Stares at the folder for a few moments, then slowly back up at Coworker 1) You have five seconds to convince me why I shouldn’t fire you effective immediately.

<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 1: Well, you asked me if I started working on the files, and I started.  Pretty much everything’s so far behind, no one seems to really care at this point if it takes another decade to work on them again, so what’s the rush?

Manager: You’re –

Coworker 1: And if you fire me, all of my projects then will be divvied up amongst all of you, and the vicious cycle continues.  (Another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)

Manager: – a real pain in my frontal cortex.  (Trots away)

Coworker 1: (Briefly glances at the 5,378 unread e-mails, then slowly sips a smoothie) Aaaaaah, perfection.  And I love the meditative background music these alerts provide.  (Cell phone rings; checks caller ID and frowns in confusion while answering) Hi – everything OK?

<DING>

Partner: (On the phone) Everything’s fine, I just wanted to let you know I made an appointment for a quote on the new fence.

Coworker 1: Oh.  Thanks.

Partner: Yeah, they’re sending over somebody on Saturday, so you just need to clear the stuff out of the backyard like I’d mentioned a few months ago –

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: And also a few weeks ago –

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: And also a few days ago –

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: So once that’s all done, maybe we can finally get the fence replaced like we’ve been talking about for years.

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: So….

Coworker 1: Uh-huh?

Partner: You think you can clear out the backyard before the weekend?!

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-

Coworker 1: (Another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward) All in good time.