(At a sparsely-populated beach on an extremely overcast day, Friend 1 trundles along a cart of supplies to a spot just above the continental shelf, then sets up a chair, towels, and large umbrella in ever-strengthening wind before stretching out on the chair with a book and a sigh)
Friend 1: So peaceful…. (Phone rings; Friend 1 digs through a huge bag of stuff to answer it) Mm-hello?
Friend 2: (On the phone) You know it’s supposed to start pouring rain there in less than an hour, right?
Friend 1: (Dons a pair of sunglasses) I choose to spend the last day of summer wringing every ounce of joy out of the primary place I associate with the season, yes.
Friend 2: Fall started around 3 a.m. this morning – last day of summer was yesterday.
Friend 1: Oh. I thought it was sunset today?
Friend 2: Nope.
Friend 1: Drat. Well, I had to work yesterday so I wouldn’t’ve been able to come here anyway. This will be the last observed day of summer, then.
Friend 2: Suit yourself – don’t go swimming since there’re no lifeguards, and even if you just dip your toes in, watch out for the riptides.
Friend 1: Know what? You’re really harshing my mellow, good-bye. (Moves to end the call)
Friend 2: And still put on sunscreen – (Call is disconnected)
Friend 1: (Dumps the phone into the bag and ratchets the chair back another notch) Now, where were we…? (Begins to doze off)
(Surfers drift over through the waves in Friend 1’s view, hovering in that area and continuously getting wiped out)
Surfers: Again!
(A lone lifeguard patrols the beach, blowing the whistle at everyone knee-deep and higher in the water)
Lifeguard: (Several feet away from Friend 1, tweets long and loud and points at a swimmer who is several waves away from the shore) YOU! OUT!
Swimmer: (Paddles over) But I thought the swimmer on the flags meant we could swim here!
Lifeguard: There’s a line right through it! And it’s red! And summer’s over! And there are no lifeguard stations spaced at regular intervals anywhere! Or lifeguards! Is this your first day ever on a beach?!
Swimmer: (Finally out of the water) If there are no lifeguards, who are you, then?
Lifeguard: The remnant left to scoop up twits like you! (Sees the surfers and blows the whistle at them) ALL OF YOU! SKEDADDLE! AND RIGHT BY THE ROCKS, NO LESS! EVERYONE HERE WANTS TO BE LOST AT SEA, I JUST KNOW IT!
Surfers: Chill, fellow beach lover!
(The shouting match drifts inland as the surfers follow the lifeguard away from the water; in the now-empty space, four terns land by Friend 1)
Friend 1: No food – shoo.
Tern 1: (Cackles wildly) <We can smellllll itttttt….>
Tern 2: (Hops closer to Friend 1’s huge bag) <Let me at it – Let me at it – >
(A huge seagull then lands heavily right where Tern 1 is standing, bumping the latter off to the side)
Seagull: <Outta my way, pipsqueak; I want that spot.>
Tern 1: <Oh come on, you have literally the entire beach to stand on!>
Seagull: <Yeah, and I wanna stand here. Whatcha gonna do about it, huh, wee one?>
Tern 1: <Well, as you may not have noticed, right now there is only one of you, and about 15 and counting of us.>
Seagull: (Side-eyes the growing number of terns landing in a surrounding circle) < …Spot just got boring.> (Flies off as terns give a battle cry and fly in pursuit)
Friend 1: (Takes out a sandwich) Final–
(A human couple who had been strolling hand-in-hand along the water stop in front of Friend 1’s view; one turns to the other, drops to one knee, and holds up an open ring box while the other immediately bursts into tears)
Proposer: Love of my life, will you –
Friend 1: (In mid-chew) No! None of that mush right in my sightline of the ocean! Move along 50 feet to one side or the other, as long as it’s out of my radius!
Proposee: But we need a witness to our magical moment!
Friend 1: (Points to the water) There’s a dolphin over there who I’m sure is more than happy to oblige!
(The two briskly trot to another spot 50 feet away and resume their previous positions)
Proposer: Love of my life, will you –
Proposee: Yes-yes-just-give-me-the-ring-and-you!
Friend 1: (Resumes eating) If I’d wanted a rom-com, I’d’ve brought a TV with me.
(A beachgoer with a metal detector crosses in front of Friend 1, stops suddenly when the detector starts making a lot of noise, throws it aside, and begins shoveling wildly)
Beachgoer: This is it! I just know it!
Friend 1: No it isn’t! Decamp!
Beachgoer: (Still shoveling, now in a large hole) But the mother lode is right here! The detector never lies!
Lifeguard: (Runs over, blowing the whistle shrilly) Hey! There’s no digging on the beach unless you’re making an impermanent sand castle!
Beachgoer: (Now only head and shoulders above the sand, still shoveling) This isn’t digging, it’s excavating!
Lifeguard: That’s even worse!
Beach Patrol Officer: (Appeared on the scene in the meantime; to Beachgoer) Stop what you’re doing and get out of there now.
Beachgoer: (Strikes something hard at the bottom of the hole) Ooh, I’ve reached buried treasure at last! (Raises a metal box aloft just in time for Beach Patrol Officer to slap on a pair of handcuffs, then hoist Beachgoer out of the hole with Lifeguard’s assistance)
Lifeguard: (Releases Beachgoer, then stares down at the massive hole) I hope this is an easy fix – I’d hate to see the beach preservation society members start crying again.
Beachgoer: (Still holding onto the box and trying not to be moved along by Beach Patrol Officer) Wait, I have to know what’s inside!
Beach Patrol Officer: Stolen property, that’s what.
(The two begin a tug-of-war over the box until the terns return very noisily to dive-bomb it)
Terns: <Food! Food! Food! Food!>
Seagull: (Swoops in to knock away a few terns) <Gimme!>
Beachgoer: (Still holding onto the box as Beach Patrol Officer and Lifeguard try to shoo away the birds) Thieves! Finders keepers, that’s the rule!
Friend 1: (Stares through everyone to the ocean beyond as the battle rages on with sand being kicked all around and wings and legs and arms flying all over the place while the human yelling and the bird screaming increase in pitch ever higher as the pouring rain begins) So…peaceful….
