Story 643: Nothing Bothers Me When I’m on Vacation

             (In an office)

Manager: (Pausing while passing by with a glass of water) What’re you smiling so inanely about?

Vacationer: (Smiling inanely at the computer while slowly typing one key every few seconds) Oh, just thinking that 24 hours from now, I’ll be on the beach, totally relaxed, not a care in the world, that sort of thing.

Manager: Yeah, that’s great – you still have the quarterly budget report to submit before the end of the day since you’ll be gone when it’s due.

Vacationer: (Smiling and typing uninterrupted) No… worries… all… will… be… well….

Manager: Hm.  Wish I could feel that way when I go on vacation; people always act like I’m on-call 24/7 no matter what. 

 

(On a backed-up parkway the next day, Vacationer’s car inches slowly among the blaring horns, yelling drivers, and blazing heat from the Sun above and the pavement below)

Voice on the Radio: – and would you believe it, yet another accident, this time at Exit 98 and involving 10 cars and a tractor trailer!  Shockingly, only minor injuries have been reported, but folks, this is gonna add at least another hour to the record-breaking ONE-HUNDRED-mile backup on the parkway – my suggestion, take the highways; at this point, the traffic lights have gotta be faster than this sea of molasses –

Vacationer: (Smiling gently while staring through the surrounding chaos, then full-body sighs) Ahhhhhhh… vacation…. (Switches from the radio station to pre-recorded sounds of ocean waves and seagulls) 

 

(In a hotel room later that day, Vacationer flops backward onto a king-sized bed, closes eyes, and smiles even wider)

Vacationer: Sooo… relaxed….

(After a few moments, a loud SLAM! is heard overhead, followed by slightly muffled voices)

Upstairs Voice 1: I told you to wash off your feet before tromping sand all over the place!  Look at this mess!

Upstairs Voice 2: I forgot!

Upstairs Voice 1: Well, DO IT NOW!  This was a nice clean room when we got here, and in the space of five minutes it’s become an absolute pigsty!  And that’s insulting the pigs!

Upstairs Voice 3: WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!  (Cries continue as a backing track to the rest of the conversation)

Upstairs Voice 1: Look what you did!  No one’ll get any sleep tonight!

Upstairs Voice 2: Can I have candy now?

Upstairs Voice 1: You’re lucky if I let you have candy EVER AGAIN!

Upstairs Voice 4: I’m goin’ to the mini-golf course – anyone wanna come?

Upstairs Voice 2: (With banging sounds while jumping up and down) Oooh!  Oooh!  Me!  Me!

Upstairs Voice 1: No mini-golf until you wash off this filth!

Upstairs Voice 2: It’s called The Ocean!  It’s Nature, so it’s natural!

Upstairs Voice 1: And it’s polluted with your mess, now WASH!  IT!  OFF!!!

Upstairs Voice 3: (Louder) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Vacationer: (Slowly opens eyes as Upstairs Voices continue without breaks, smile never fading) Sooooooooooo… relaxed…. 

 

(On the beach later that afternoon, Vacationer sits on a recliner near the shoreline and reads a book; an umbrella planted in the sand next to the chair starts rocking back and forth faster and faster as winds pick up speed)

Lifeguard: (Whistles loudly at the nearby swimmers and waves arms gesturing that they come ashore) Everyone out of the water!  Massive thunderstorm off the port bow!  (Points to giant dark clouds filled with rain and lightning that are speeding toward the beach)

(Everyone rushes out of the water, screaming and scooping up their supplies before running inland)

Vacationer: (Looks around at the mass exodus and then at the approaching thunderstorm, then reclines the chair back farther as the rain begins, sighing contentedly) Wonderful: have the place all to myself now.

Laughing Seagull: (Glances at the crowds and at Vacationer before taking flight as far away from the ocean as possible) HA – HA – HA – HAA – HAA – HAA!  [Humans really are the dopiest species on this planet] 

 

(In a restaurant that evening, Vacationer eats at a small table located in the middle of the main floor, surrounded by screaming kids, boisterous adults, frantic servers, and karaoke night)

Vacationer: (Takes a bite out of the entrée and closes eyes in satisfaction as “Happy Birthday” at a nearby table competes with a bachelorette party on stage) Mmm… perfection….  (Gently sips a mocktail as a place setting crashes to the floor nearby) 

 

(On the hotel property during the next sunny day, Vacationer sits on a lounge chair in front of the ground floor room, facing the pool and the common lawn for all the other rooms,  and reading a different book.  A heated cornhole competition is being held directly in front of Vacationer’s chair, the lifeguardless pool is over-capacity with adults and children playing shoulder wars, tag, and catch at the same time, someone strung up a volleyball net on something and began a game where the ball keeps hitting the rooms’ walls and glass sliding doors, and several stereo systems playing different genres of music are blasting from around the property and within the pool)

Vacationer: (Closes eyes and smiles dreamily, setting the book on stomach and folding arms behind head) Hmmm… think I’ll take a nap…. (Chuckles as a volleyball bounces off an elbow)

 

(At the hotel check-in/check-out counter several days later)

Clerk: That settles up your bill, then.  Did you enjoy your stay with us?

Vacationer: (Smile has faded a bit) Extremely.  I just have one complaint, though.

Clerk: The other guests?  They were especially awful this week, I know – most of them checked out yesterday, and I can finally hear again without a ringing in my ears.

Vacationer: No, it’s just – this was a vacation.

Clerk: Yes?

Vacationer: And now, it’s over.

Clerk: …Yes?

Vacationer: Well that’s the problem, now isn’t it.

Clerk: Ah, yes: such is life, I suppose.

Vacationer: I suppose.  Farewell, Temporary Paradise, then.  (Carries luggage out of the office, then stops to stare at the shore town’s main avenue and the beach with the Sun shining down on the waves, then breathes in the relaxed air of contentment one last time) If only I could bottle this feeling and take it once daily – I think that would solve pretty much everything.

Story 350: The World Won’t End If….

          (Friend 1 sits at an office desk, surrounded by piles of paper and files holding more paper; Coworker approaches the desk)

            Coworker: Hey – got a minute?

            Friend 1: No!  What is it?!

           Coworker: Higher-ups want this project done ASAP.  (Drops a new pile of paper onto the one empty spot on the desk and leaves)

         Friend 1: (Yelling at Coworker’s retreating back) They need to let me know which ASAP project they want done first!  (Turns back to the piles and starts to sink forward onto the nearest one when the cell phone rings; answers) Hi, I could use a two-second break, what’s up?

            Friend 2: I need to cancel for tonight: my niece’s birthday dinner got moved to today.  Can we meet up later this week?

            Friend 1: (Starts moving piles from one place to another and intermingling them) Yeah – sure – that’s fine – I’m free whenever – just let me know –

            Friend 2: Is work bad today?

          Friend 1: “Bad” and “today” don’t begin to describe it.  Have you ever been slowly buried alive by flat pieces of dead trees?

            Friend 2: I used to be, but I thought we were in the digital age now.

          Friend 1: That’s the great lie.  But it wouldn’t matter anyway: the projects behind them all remain, and I have to complete every last one of them simultaneously two months ago.

            Friend 2: Ouch.  Well, do the best you can.

           Friend 1: Ha!  “Best” took a back seat to “barely passable” years ago; I’m surprised I haven’t been fired by now.

            Friend 2: You probably won’t be – you’re the only one left in your department.

            Friend 1: I suppose.

          Friend 2: Trust me: short of murder, there’s really nothing you could do that would get you fired at this point, if only for the fact that they’d have no idea how to train the next person since the only one who knew how to do anything there was you.  So really, the world won’t end if you don’t finish a project or two or 10 in the time they said they wanted it.

            Friend 1: I don’t understand.

            Friend 2: Well you understand “don’t,” so you do!

            Friend 1: What?

           Friend 2: Just do what you can, and whatever you don’t do now will get done eventually, and the world won’t end if it doesn’t.

            Friend 1: It won’t?

           Friend 2: …Yes.  We’ll all still be here and the Earth will continue rotating around the Sun as it has been for quite some time.  And now I’ve gotta go – bye!  (Disconnects the call)

            Friend 1: (Sets down the phone and stares at the piles) The world won’t end, eh?

THE NEXT DAY

            (Coworker approaches Friend 1’s desk)

            Coworker: Hey – got a minute?

          Friend 1: (Wearing summer casual clothes, sitting on a beach chair, and listening to ocean waves on a stereo) I have all the minutes.  What’s up?

           Coworker: Higher-ups want this project done ASAP.  (Drops a pile of paper onto the empty desk) Hey – you got all that other stuff done?

            Friend 1: Nope.  (Sips lemonade and props sandaled feet onto the desk) They will be attended to, all in good time – as will this latest monstrosity.  (Points to the pile with one sandaled foot)

         Coworker: Oh.  Need any help?  Not that I can give you any – I’m just trying to be superficially nice.

           Friend 1: (Slurps the rest of the drink) Nope again!  I’ll get to it when I get to it: the world won’t end if I don’t finish it in five seconds, or if a deadline’s missed, or the company loses money, or we fail an inspection, or –

            Coworker: Oh wow, you’re really reached that point, huh?  I’m jealous.  (Leaves)

          Friend 1: (Opens a cabinet drawer and dumps the new pile of paper into it, then pulls out a different pile to work on, slowly and steadily) It only took me 20 years to reach it….

THE NEXT DAY

            (Friend 1 sorts through mail at home)

           Friend 1: Ah yes, this bill’s right on time.  (Opens the envelope and winces) Bit higher this month.  Due when?... Hm, usually get a few weeks’ leeway, right?  The world won’t end if I don’t pay it exactly by the due date, right?

THE NEXT DAY

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 are having dinner in a restaurant)

           Friend 2: So they understood why I didn’t have my gift for her that night since they’re the ones who moved the party, but I still felt bad showing up empty-handed, you know?

            Friend 1: (Sampling from three plates of entrees and five different drinks) Why?  World didn’t end, right?

            Friend 2: (Stares at the array of plates and glasses on the table) I think you took my advice the other day a little too much to heart.

         Friend 1: (Mouth full of French fries) Au contraire!  I didn’t take them to heart enough!  (Shouts over shoulder) Garçon!  Bring on the dessert tray!

            Server: (Speedily wheels over a sampler platter) You actually get two free ones –

            Friend 1: Splendid!  I’ll take them all!  (Server speedily wheels away) To go!  (To Friend 2) I have some self-control.

            Friend 2: Yes, I can see that.

THE NEXT DAY

            (Friend 1 walks along the beach and steps on a broken shell)

           Friend 1: Ouchie!  (Picks shell out of foot) Son of a – (Stops) No: this is not a disaster, the world won’t end if I just keep on walking and pretend this never happened.  (Tosses the shell into the waves and slightly limps onward)

           Beachgoer: (Runs to Friend 1 and holds out a sealed antiseptic wipe) Here – I’m a dad, and you don’t want to let that sit for too long, trust me.

          Friend 1: I appreciate the gesture, but the world won’t end if I let Nature cleanse my momentary interruption.

            Beachgoer: I guess, but you might be in it with one less foot.

            Friend 1: …Point taken.  (Accepts the wipe)

THE NEXT DAY

          Friend 1: (Working through a pile of paper while on the office phone) I hear your concern, but the world won’t end if this doesn’t get done by today, am-I-right?... Yes, that certainly does put everything into perspective, doesn’t it, bye-bye.  (Hangs up and addresses the paper) Now, where were we, my lovelies?  (Presses “Play” on the stereo so the ocean waves resume) Aaaaaaahhhhhhh: my favorite part.  (Alerts start going off on the office computers and on everyone’s cell phones; employees start freaking out and running off; Friend 1 hums while filing the current pile and preparing to start on the next one when the cell phone rings; answers) Allo-allo-allo?

            Friend 2: Did you hear what’s going on?!

            Friend 1: No, but you sound a bit agitated about it.

           Friend 2: That’s the understatement of the eon!  So that asteroid that’s been coming this way and everyone thought would pass us by, got affected by all the other planets’ gravity when it entered our solar system and now it’s headed straight for us!  By this time tomorrow, we’ll be toast!

          Friend 1: I doubt it – can’t some nukes just vaporize it or turn it into a black hole or something?

            Friend 2: IT’S BIGGER THAN THE EARTH!!!!

            Friend 1: Oh.  Well, the world won’t end if – oh.

            Friend 2: I’m calling the rest of my family now – good-bye forever!  (Disconnects the call)

           Friend 1: (Sets down the phone and stares at the pile of paper, then at the now-empty office) That advice certainly came at the perfect time in my life.  Decades later than I’d’ve liked, but better late than never, right?

            Right?