(Friend
2 enters an empty movie theater, with commercials playing on the screen. Looking at the ticket stub and then around in
confusion, Friend 2 walks down a side aisle and sits on the end seat, then
spends the next few minutes taking off gloves, hat, scarf, and coat, and checking
the phone with a furrowed brow)
Friend
2: (Selects contact, waits, and listens to voicemail message) Hi, it’s me, I’m
here. Where are you? You know what I mean. Listen, it’s a little after the show’s start
time and trailers haven’t even begun, so I’m going out to the lobby to get
someone `cause I think something’s not working right, if you get here while I’m
gone –
Friend
1: (To Friend 2 while heading down the aisle, towing a large case on wheels)
Hiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!
Friend
2: (Turns around suddenly to see Friend 1; still speaking into the phone) Uhhhh,
never mind, here you are. Bye. (Disconnects and stands; several other people
now are entering the theater after Friend 1) Hey – everything OK?
Friend
1: (Slightly out of breath) Oh yeah, everything’s fine! Super excited to see this one; can’t
wait! Mind if I take the aisle seat?
Friend
2: Sure. (Scoops up stuff and moves over
to the next seat as Friend 1 plops down the case and begins taking out items)
I’m actually going to go find a manager, I think something’s wrong with the
film or projector or something –
Friend
1: (Freezes while taking out a picnic basket) WHAT?!
Friend
2: I mean, look – (Shows Friend 1 the time on a wristwatch) it’s more than five
minutes after showtime, and they haven’t even started the trailers so I think
something back there’s, you know, broken.
Friend
1: (Laughs while opening up a small folding table) Oh, that: no worries,
trailers haven’t started on time here in months – oh right, you haven’t been
here in a while. Like the new seats they
put in? (Hits a button on the arm of the
seat and it opens up into a mini-bed)
Friend
2: (Sits again) Yeah, that’s swell – so is the showtime not actually being the
showtime anymore the reason why no one else was here at the time of the listed
showtime?
Friend
1: (Pops open a bottle of champagne and pours out two glasses) Got it in
one! Sorry I didn’t think to tell you
earlier: I guess they figured no one shows up on time anyway so why bother
starting on time, but now we know it’s not going to start on time so
we’re just showing up even later – it’s a vicious self-perpetuating
cycle of tardiness. Blanket? (Holds out a down quilt)
Friend
2: No thanks. You know, this movie is
already three hours long, plus trailers whenever they get around to starting,
might make it four, so I’m going to go use the bathroom before I regret not
doing so in Hour 2. (Stands again and
starts to leave)
Friend
1: (Takes off shoes and puts on several pairs of slipper socks) But the
trailers! They’re part of the admission
price!
Friend
2: You can fill me in on any good ones later – I doubt I’ll miss much.
(In
the restroom, Friend 2 unconsciously stares at people dressed in towels and
robes, then sees that they are waiting in lines for showers and bubble baths)
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
(Friend
2 enters the now-darkened theater and returns to the seat, stepping around
Friend 1’s portable grill as the latter turns over two hot dogs)
Friend
1: (Whispers) Hey there, you only missed most of one trailer, it’s still
playing – ooh, did you stop for the complimentary massage?
Friend
2: (Whispers) No. (Is caught up in the
coat, the hat, the quilt Friend 1 had left on the seat anyway, etc. while
trying to sit) I got stuck in the line for one on the way out.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Friend
2: I think this trailer’s a repeat.
Friend
1: (In mid-doze while wearing a vibrating neck pillow) Hm? Oh, no, that’s just the sequel to the other
movie they showed earlier.
Friend
2: You mean the other movie that also hasn’t come out yet?
Friend
1: Oh yeah, you gotta plan your release schedule at least 15 years in advance –
these studios have vision, let me tell ya.
(The screen changes) Ah yes, at last.
Friend
2: What, you mean the movie’s finally going to start?
Friend
1: No, it’s the cartoon short first – I heard this one’s hilarious.
Friend
2: (Quietly) Arrrrrrrgggggghhhh….
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Friend
2: (Clapping) Yay, short’s over, let’s start this thing.
Friend
1: (Checking e-mail on phone) Heh-heh, wouldn’t bet on it.
Friend
2: (Stops mid-clap) Huh?
Friend
1: They still have to promote the theater chain we’ve already paid to visit,
along with all their concession sponsors.
(Watches theater chain and concession commercial) You know, I suddenly have
a strange desire for popcorn and soda.
Friend
2: (Stands and walks around Friend 1 again) I’ll get `em – seems like they’re
now just talking about a charity they want us to donate to at the box office,
which is a little late at this point.
Friend
1: Might as well push a worthy cause while you have a captive audience – I
admire that.
TEN MINUTES LATER
Friend
2: (Sits back in the seat and hands over a popcorn and soda while keeping a set)
Seven cashiers and the line still takes forever because everyone keeps adding
to their orders – people need to make up their minds while they’re waiting, but
no one ever learns!
Friend
1: Heh-heh, indecisive nerds. (Sets popcorn and soda into corresponding seat holders
and sticks feet back into a pedicure bath)
Fellow
Audience Member: Ssh, please!
Friend
2: Ooh, sorry, did the movie finally start?
Fellow
Audience Member: No – I want to hear my celebrity crushes talking about their
new movie.
Friend
2: (Stares at the screen) Their new movie that isn’t even the one we’re here to
see?
Fellow
Audience Member: And your point is?
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
Friend
2: (Squirms in the seat) If they show one more car commercial when they’re
supposed to be showing movie commercials, I am walking out – I don’t care if
they don’t give me a refund, I am walking out –
Friend
1: (Lying almost flat and wearing an eye mask) You know, you really need to
learn how to relax more.
Friend
2: I came here to relax! And
instead I’ve spent almost two hours watching everything else but the one thing
I paid to see!
Friend
1: (Hears a change in music and lifts up the mask) Yes! Speak no more, my child, the object you have
been seeking is here at last and the movie is about to begin! (Adjusts seat back to sitting, takes a
promotional prop out of the case, and holds it as a talisman) Squeee!!!!
Friend
2: (Stares at the screen in slowly encroaching horror as the opening scenes
unfold) Ohhhh noooo….
Friend
1: (Slightly bouncing in the seat) What’s up?
Friend
2: I forgot the name of the movie!
