(In a large multiplex, Moviegoer 1 starts down the long hallway, popcorn and ticket stub in hand, toward Theater 2. Outside Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 sees Moviegoer 2 standing in front of an upcoming blockbuster’s poster and reading the fine print, popcorn and ticket stub also in hand. The latter sees the former approach and turns in recognition)
Moviegoer 2: Oh, hi there!
Moviegoer 1: Hi! Oh my gosh, it’s been forever since I’ve seen you – how’ve you been? (They air hug with the popcorn)
Moviegoer 2: Not bad. This is actually the first time I’m going to the movies in about, umm, two years?
Moviegoer 1: Wow, really?
Moviegoer 2: Well, I never went much anyway, and then with, you know, everything.
Moviegoer 1: Yeah, everything.
Moviegoer 2: Speaking of which, how’re you doing with… everything?
Moviegoer 1: Oh fine, fine – you?
Moviegoer 2: Same: fine. (They stare at the muted psychedelic carpet for a few moments) So!
Moviegoer 1: Yes?!
Moviegoer 2: Whatcha going to see?
Moviegoer 1: Oh, the new gore-fest slasher, just in time for Halloween: All I Want Is Blood. (Holds out the ticket stub to show Moviegoer 2; as they lean in to look, they slowly and unconsciously starting half-circling each other and eventually wind up on opposite sides of where they started)
Moviegoer 2: Nice – I heard that got good reviews.
Moviegoer 1: I know, I can’t wait for the simulated carnage. You?
Moviegoer 2: (Holds out the ticket stub to show Moviegoer 1) Life, Love, and All That Rigmarole. It’s a total rom-com, but I heard it leans heavier on the com than on the rom so I figured I’d give it a shot on bargain night.
Moviegoer 1: (Points to the ticket stub) Hey, neat, we have the same seat! Number. (Holds out the ticket stub next to the other to show the seat numbers match)
Moviegoer 2: (Looks at both stubs) Well, whaddya know – fate has made… some kind of move, I don’t know. Your showtime’s starting soon, it looks like.
Moviegoer 1: (Checks watch) Oh yeah, don’t want to miss the trailers, they’re the best part if the movie’s a dud.
Moviegoer 2: Know the feeling. Whelp, enjoy the movie – maybe we’ll catch up some more on the way out, but if not, have a good night.
Moviegoer 1: (As both walk backward toward the neighboring theater doors) You, too! Nice talkin’ to you! (Turns around to walk into Theater 3)
Moviegoer 2: Same here! (Turns around to walk into Theater 2, muttering) Why do I never remember people’s names?!
(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 plops down in the assigned seat and begins munching on the popcorn while watching the continuous commercials. When the trailers start, Moviegoer 1 checks watch again and frowns at the time)
Moviegoer 1: Huh: more and more trailer time is being devoted to soda ads, I see.
(In Theater 2, Moviegoer 2 enters the darkened room where the trailers have just started, finds the assigned seat after excusing self down a row of seated moviegoers, flops down, begins munching on the popcorn, checks phone, and frowns at the time)
Moviegoer 2: Weird: guess more and more trailers are being shoved in before the showtime start now. I’ve been out of the multiplex game too long.
(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 starts getting bored with the fluffy-goofy trailers and checks phone for updates)
Moviegoer 1: Hmm, this movie’s already got a sequel planned – wonder if that means anyone survives by the end of this one, heh-heh.
Moviegoer 3: (Seated next to Moviegoer 1) Huh?
Moviegoer 1: Just curious whether anyone in this movie’ll make it out alive.
Moviegoer 3: Oh, ha-ha-ha – I’m pretty sure my heart won’t!
Moviegoer 1: Amateur. If you don’t have the stomach for this kind of thing, you should’ve stayed home!
Moviegoer 3: I know, you’re right, but I can’t help myself: I love these things, it’s almost a compulsion.
Moviegoer 1: Heh, you and me both. (Eats half the bag of popcorn)
(In Theater 2, Moviegoer 2 cringes as another gore-fest slasher is previewed)
Moviegoer 2: I guess these are all here `cause Halloween’s coming up?
Moviegoer 4: (Seated next to Moviegoer 2) What’s Halloween got to do with it?
Moviegoer 2: …Nothing, apparently. (The movie begins with no credits – the action starts with a group of nubile campers getting wiped out by a killer lifeguard disguised as a clown) Ugh! I guess this is the tragic backstory for our heroes?
Moviegoer 4: (Slurps soda) There are no heroes in these things.
Moviegoer 2: Well, that’s certainly true to life.
(In Theater 3, the movie begins with no credits)
Moviegoer 1: FINALLY!
Other Moviegoers: Ssshhh!!!
(The action starts with the main couple’s meet-cute as cosplaying knights at a Renaissance Fair)
Moviegoer 1: (Whispers while finishing off the popcorn) Nerd alert! They’re gonna be the first to go.
Moviegoer 3: (Already crying; whispers) Oh, I hope so!
(Thirty minutes into each film’s runtime)
(In Theater 2, another faux-teenager gets eviscerated)
Moviegoer 2: (Laughing hysterically) This is such a trip! And the social commentary is ON POINT!
Moviegoer 4: (Gives Moviegoer 2 the side eye) What?
Moviegoer 2: I feel like we’re drowning in metaphors among all the blood – I’m just rooting for our so-called “Killer” and our so-called “Target” to stop fighting their feelings and just find a way to live happily ever after! I know it’s inevitable, but there’re always a few complications thrown in that make you wonder, “Oh no, are they ever going to get together by the end?!”
Moviegoer 4: There’s something wrong with you.
(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 is leaning on one hand and stifling a yawn)
Moviegoer 3: (Leans over the armrest) I have a horrible feeling the older cousin’s not going to make it.
Moviegoer 1: I sure hope not! What’s it gonna take for someone to get offed in this thing?! (Moviegoer 3 backs off. In the movie, Older Cousin is found to have passed away peacefully during the night) OK, it’s a start!
Moviegoer 3: There’s something wrong with you.
(At the climax of each film)
Moviegoer 2: Why are they not hooking up yet?!
Moviegoer 1: Why is no one getting slaughtered yet?!
(Both are shushed and thrown popcorn at by their fellow moviegoers)
(The end credits roll around the same time for each movie; Moviegoer 1’s and 2’s eyes widen as all is revealed)
(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 3 starts to leave with the crowd)
Moviegoer 3: (To Moviegoer 1) Well, that was the most emotionally satisfying thing I’ve seen in a long time.
Moviegoer 1: That makes one of us.
(In Theater 2, Moviegoer 4 starts to leave with the crowd)
Moviegoer 4: (To Moviegoer 2) You know, if serial killer hook-ups are your kink, you might want to stay away from old-school horror films like this.
Moviegoer 2: Half that sentence is absolutely true.
(The crowds pour out of Theaters 2 and 3, with Moviegoer 1 and 2 trailing at the back. Outside the theaters they spot each other and stop, look up at the movie title sign above their respective theater, then back at each other. They meet in the middle space between each theater)
Moviegoer 1: Soooooo: fate certainly made a move in making sure no one else had our seat, which would’ve tipped us off before the movie started.
Moviegoer 2: You know, it is an absolute travesty that so few films take the five minutes to show opening credits anymore and insist on going straight into the action instead!
Moviegoer 1: Exactly! I mean, how else is the audience supposed to know they’re watching the right movie?!
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