Story 323: So When Is the Movie Going to Start?

            (Friend 2 enters an empty movie theater, with commercials playing on the screen.  Looking at the ticket stub and then around in confusion, Friend 2 walks down a side aisle and sits on the end seat, then spends the next few minutes taking off gloves, hat, scarf, and coat, and checking the phone with a furrowed brow)

            Friend 2: (Selects contact, waits, and listens to voicemail message) Hi, it’s me, I’m here.  Where are you?  You know what I mean.  Listen, it’s a little after the show’s start time and trailers haven’t even begun, so I’m going out to the lobby to get someone `cause I think something’s not working right, if you get here while I’m gone –

          Friend 1: (To Friend 2 while heading down the aisle, towing a large case on wheels) Hiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!

            Friend 2: (Turns around suddenly to see Friend 1; still speaking into the phone) Uhhhh, never mind, here you are.  Bye.  (Disconnects and stands; several other people now are entering the theater after Friend 1) Hey – everything OK?

            Friend 1: (Slightly out of breath) Oh yeah, everything’s fine!  Super excited to see this one; can’t wait!  Mind if I take the aisle seat?

            Friend 2: Sure.  (Scoops up stuff and moves over to the next seat as Friend 1 plops down the case and begins taking out items) I’m actually going to go find a manager, I think something’s wrong with the film or projector or something –

            Friend 1: (Freezes while taking out a picnic basket) WHAT?!

           Friend 2: I mean, look – (Shows Friend 1 the time on a wristwatch) it’s more than five minutes after showtime, and they haven’t even started the trailers so I think something back there’s, you know, broken.

           Friend 1: (Laughs while opening up a small folding table) Oh, that: no worries, trailers haven’t started on time here in months – oh right, you haven’t been here in a while.  Like the new seats they put in?  (Hits a button on the arm of the seat and it opens up into a mini-bed)

            Friend 2: (Sits again) Yeah, that’s swell – so is the showtime not actually being the showtime anymore the reason why no one else was here at the time of the listed showtime?

            Friend 1: (Pops open a bottle of champagne and pours out two glasses) Got it in one!  Sorry I didn’t think to tell you earlier: I guess they figured no one shows up on time anyway so why bother starting on time, but now we know it’s not going to start on time so we’re just showing up even later – it’s a vicious self-perpetuating cycle of tardiness.  Blanket?  (Holds out a down quilt)

            Friend 2: No thanks.  You know, this movie is already three hours long, plus trailers whenever they get around to starting, might make it four, so I’m going to go use the bathroom before I regret not doing so in Hour 2.  (Stands again and starts to leave)

            Friend 1: (Takes off shoes and puts on several pairs of slipper socks) But the trailers!  They’re part of the admission price!

            Friend 2: You can fill me in on any good ones later – I doubt I’ll miss much.

          (In the restroom, Friend 2 unconsciously stares at people dressed in towels and robes, then sees that they are waiting in lines for showers and bubble baths)

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            (Friend 2 enters the now-darkened theater and returns to the seat, stepping around Friend 1’s portable grill as the latter turns over two hot dogs)

            Friend 1: (Whispers) Hey there, you only missed most of one trailer, it’s still playing – ooh, did you stop for the complimentary massage?

            Friend 2: (Whispers) No.  (Is caught up in the coat, the hat, the quilt Friend 1 had left on the seat anyway, etc. while trying to sit) I got stuck in the line for one on the way out.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: I think this trailer’s a repeat.

          Friend 1: (In mid-doze while wearing a vibrating neck pillow) Hm?  Oh, no, that’s just the sequel to the other movie they showed earlier.

            Friend 2: You mean the other movie that also hasn’t come out yet?

           Friend 1: Oh yeah, you gotta plan your release schedule at least 15 years in advance – these studios have vision, let me tell ya.  (The screen changes) Ah yes, at last.

            Friend 2: What, you mean the movie’s finally going to start?

            Friend 1: No, it’s the cartoon short first – I heard this one’s hilarious.

            Friend 2: (Quietly) Arrrrrrrgggggghhhh….

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: (Clapping) Yay, short’s over, let’s start this thing.

            Friend 1: (Checking e-mail on phone) Heh-heh, wouldn’t bet on it.

            Friend 2: (Stops mid-clap) Huh?

           Friend 1: They still have to promote the theater chain we’ve already paid to visit, along with all their concession sponsors.  (Watches theater chain and concession commercial) You know, I suddenly have a strange desire for popcorn and soda.

            Friend 2: (Stands and walks around Friend 1 again) I’ll get `em – seems like they’re now just talking about a charity they want us to donate to at the box office, which is a little late at this point.

           Friend 1: Might as well push a worthy cause while you have a captive audience – I admire that.

TEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: (Sits back in the seat and hands over a popcorn and soda while keeping a set) Seven cashiers and the line still takes forever because everyone keeps adding to their orders – people need to make up their minds while they’re waiting, but no one ever learns!

           Friend 1: Heh-heh, indecisive nerds. (Sets popcorn and soda into corresponding seat holders and sticks feet back into a pedicure bath)

            Fellow Audience Member: Ssh, please!

            Friend 2: Ooh, sorry, did the movie finally start?

          Fellow Audience Member: No – I want to hear my celebrity crushes talking about their new movie.

            Friend 2: (Stares at the screen) Their new movie that isn’t even the one we’re here to see?

            Fellow Audience Member: And your point is?

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: (Squirms in the seat) If they show one more car commercial when they’re supposed to be showing movie commercials, I am walking out – I don’t care if they don’t give me a refund, I am walking out –

           Friend 1: (Lying almost flat and wearing an eye mask) You know, you really need to learn how to relax more.

           Friend 2: I came here to relax!  And instead I’ve spent almost two hours watching everything else but the one thing I paid to see!

            Friend 1: (Hears a change in music and lifts up the mask) Yes!  Speak no more, my child, the object you have been seeking is here at last and the movie is about to begin!  (Adjusts seat back to sitting, takes a promotional prop out of the case, and holds it as a talisman) Squeee!!!!

          Friend 2: (Stares at the screen in slowly encroaching horror as the opening scenes unfold) Ohhhh noooo….

            Friend 1: (Slightly bouncing in the seat) What’s up?

            Friend 2: I forgot the name of the movie!

Story 289: Spoiler-Avoiders Support Group

            (A gathering of five meets in an empty classroom on a Saturday morning; a circle of chairs is situated in front of a mobile chalkboard)

            Fan Leader: Hello, fellow fans: I’d like to thank you all for agreeing to meet offline today.  I’d also like to thank convenience for the fact that we all turned out to live within a 40-mile radius of each other, instead of being separated by oceans and mountains and stuff.

            Fan 1: I’ll say – I’m just glad to see that all of you guys are actually real.

            Fan Leader: And that.  So, to the grim task that confronts our sorry, much-abused lot.  As you are all painfully aware, this is a momentous year across the fandoms, with not one but two major franchises that have occupied such significant parts of our lives both coming to a definitive end.

            Fan 2: Heh, for now.

          Fan Leader: Prequels, sequels, spin-offs, and reboots don’t count: the true storylines will be over, and all the creative talent involved in them have long since moved on to live theater with a sigh of relief.

         Fan 3: Yeah, I already have tickets to see ----- ----- in Hamlet, even though I’ve seen it a bajillion times with every actor ever, and the ending always still bums me out.

            Fan Leader: Cheers.  Now, the crux of the issue is that, due to our schedules and sad budgets, we can keep up with the TV saga but the movie will have to wait at least five days for us to see it in theaters so we can get the reasonably priced tickets, and, let’s face it, five days are an eternity.   It is times like these that I regret that I am a mere Fan and can never be a Superfan who stood on line for a month to see the pre-midnight premiere.

            Fan 4: I heard that some Superfans were able to see the movie before it was even released – still not sure how they managed that one.

            Fan Leader: They have their wily ways.  Continuing my theme: the other problem that faces us unworthies is this: the fandoms for the two franchises intersect.

          Fan 1: Tell me about it!  I was checking out trailers for the movie and I saw someone randomly posted a comment there about how ----- on the TV show wound up saving ----- and then went to ----- and did -----, a full two weeks before that episode aired!  Why would someone do that?!

         Fan Leader: (Shakes head) Disgusting.  So, since garbage like that will only multiply exponentially in the coming week, we need to formulate a plan of defense.  (Turns to the chalkboard and writes “Strategies to Avoid Spoilers,” then turns back to the group)  I’m open to suggestions, `cause right now I’ve got nothing.

            Fan 2: (Raises hand) Ooh, ooh!  I’ve got one: if you see someone post a spoiler, track down where they live through the IP address, go to their house, and break their fingers.  (Everyone else stares at Fan 2) So they can’t type anything ever again!  C’mon, it’s genius!

            Fan Leader: In theory, yes, it’s the bee’s knees; in reality, it’s psychopathic.  Anyone else?

            Fan 3: I’ve got the perfect solution.

          (Takes a plane to the Canadian Rockies and hikes to the top of a peak facing a lake.  It is a beautiful day, the sun is shining, animals are doing their thing, and there is a mild zephyr soothing all it passes)

            Fan 3: (Inhales fully and exhales satisfactorily, taking in the grand vista) So this is the grand adventure they call Life.  (Sits cross-legged on the ground, closes eyes, and meditates with a small smile)

            (Hikers pass on the nearby trail)

            Hiker 1: So in the movie, how did you feel about what happened to -----?

          Hiker 2: I hated it, so much: how could they just sacrifice themselves for that nobody, and that’s that?  Such a disappointing conclusion for such a strong character.

            Fan 3: (Eyes snap open) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            (Back in the classroom; four are gathered)

            Fan Leader: (Crosses out “1. Isolate self in the middle of nowhere” on the chalkboard) Whelp, apparently there is no “middle of nowhere” when it comes to humanity.  Anybody else?

           Fan 4: Maybe we should just stay offline for the next few days and tell everyone we see to shut up before they say a word?

          Fan Leader: Hmm, that’s a possibility.  (Writes “2. Block everyone in life”) Might be a bit tricky to execute; I mean, could we even stay offline for that long?  (Everyone, including Fan Leader, looks at the phone in their hand) Well?

            (There is a knock on the ajar door; the person there is holding a box of tissues)

            Superfan: Excuse me, is this the [Movie] Mourners Support Group?

            Fan Leader: (Gasps in horror) Was that a spoiler?!

           Superfan: No; everybody knows this is final for those characters whose actors’ contracts are up.  At least for the next five years, when the roles are recast.

            Fan Leader: Oh thank goodness; I think your group’s farther down the hall.

            Superfan: (Sniffles) Thanks.  (Starts to leave)

            Fan 1: (Stands) I have to ask: how bad is the emotional damage?

            Superfan: (Looks mournfully at the group) All I can say is: be strong.  (Shuffles off)

           Fan 1: (Sits) Ooh, what’d they mean by that?  Is it the ----- ship?  I bet it’s the ----- ship – I just know the writers are gonna sink it and take us all down with it!

            Fan 2: Yeah, that one doesn’t do anything for me: I’m only a ----- shipper, on the TV show.

            Fan 1: Really?  Those two?  They’re kind of dorky.

            Fan 2: I know, and that’s what makes it so beautiful.  And all the heart eyes!  I just melt every time they stare at each other for hours on end.

           Fan 4: The way the show’s going, though, they’re either going to get killed off or break up like idiots to annoy us all.

            Fan 2: I don’t care at this point: fan service or not, no one can take the first half of Episode #735 away from me.

            Fan Leader: Focus, my darlings!  Now, I’ve started wondering if we actually should go on the offensive here.

            Fan 1: What do you mean?

            Fan Leader: This.  (Writes “3. Flood all social media with spam bots so the sites crash and no one can post anything on anything until after we see the movie.”  Flings down the chalk and grabs wrist) Whew!  That’s a cramp.

            Fan 4: (Ponders with hand on chin) That’s a very tempting scenario for online, but what do we do IRL?

            Fan Leader: (Uncomprehending) “Earl?”

            Fan 4: (With a “duh” inflection) “In Real Life?”

           Fan Leader: No need for sass; when you speak text you’re gonna get misunderstood with the homophones!

            Fan 4: Oh.  Did not realize that.  Smack My Head.

          Fan Leader: Better.  And to answer your question, I think the only solution right now is to cover our ears and hum showtunes everywhere we go for the next 100-something hours.

            Fan 2: Yeah, especially when we get to the theater – with the amount of people talking about it in the lobby while they’re leaving and we’re just coming in, `cause this’ll be the seventeenth time they’ve seen it when it’s just our first, we’ll be at our most vulnerable!

        Fan Leader: That we will.  I have taken the liberty of ordering us all noise cancelling headphones that I instructed be delivered here immediately by drone, so they should help a bit.

            (The door bangs open the rest of the way; the group sharply turns to face the intruder)

            Toxic Fan: Hello, nerds.  Rumor has it you haven’t seen the ----- movie yet.

            Fan Leader: That’s a filthy lie: of course we’ve seen it!  Multiple times!

            Fan 1: Yeah, at least twice a day every day since it’s been out!

           Fan 4: (Holds up phone) I’m watching it right now!  My love for its awesomeness has made me a movie pirate and I will not apologize for my newfound life of crime!

            Toxic Fan: (Saunters over to the group and pulls up a chair to sit) Well, then you won’t mind me staring up a discussion about how at the end they undid –

            Fan Leader: (Stands and points a stun gun at Toxic Fan) GET THE ---- OUT OF HERE!

            Toxic Fan: (Raises hands in surrender and backs towards the door as the other fans also stand) Whoa, easy there partner, just wanted to process all the feels with you guys about how –

           (Fans pelt Toxic Fan with rotten tomatoes until the latter runs out the door.  They then collapse back onto the chairs)

            Fan Leader: I don’t know – is this a lost cause?

           Fan 1: Maybe not.  Maybe we just have to accept that we’ll be spoiled on at least one major plot point before the week is out, and hope we can avoid hearing anything else.

            (They stare at the floor in silence for a few moments)

            Fan 2: You do realize we’re going to have to go through all this again when the last movie in the ----- series comes out in December, right?

Fan Leader: Devotion sure is exhausting.