Story 383: When Hiking, Know Your Way

 (Friend 1 drives with Friend 2 to a state park on a sunny Sunday morning)

Friend 1: You’re gonna love it: woods, streams, swamps, rocks and tree roots to trip over, steep paths that are nearly vertical – it’s a great workout.

Friend 2: Yeah, I’ll try it out but I’m warning you now, I may not be able to keep up if the trail gets too… challenging.

Friend 1: No worries!  I knew you weren’t ready for the – ahem – experienced black diamond trail yet, so I’m taking you on the wimpy green circle one instead.

Friend 2: Gee, thanks, you’re a pal.

Friend 1: (Slams on the brakes at the parking lot entrance) What is this?!

Friend 2: What, is it closed?

Friend 1: Don’t sound so eager – (Points to a sign) they’re making the hikers park all the way over at the lake today!  Guess this tiny-tiny lot can’t handle all the people who’re suddenly coming here on the weekend.  (Cars behind them blast their horns) All right, all right, you’d’ve stopped too if you were the one who was first!  (Speeds through several winding roads to reach the lake parking lot)

Friend 2: So, what, we just loop around to the back end of the trail from here?

Friend 1: (As they park and then exit the car) I guess; I don’t know, I’ve never had to park here to get on the trails before, I’m all discombobulated!

Friend 2: Calm down; what does the map say?

Friend 1: Huh?  Oh right.  (Whips out a park map and turns it around several times) The lake’s here, so we’re here – no, we’re facing it from here, but the playground is on our right, but on here it looks like it’s on our left – (Keeps turning the map around until Friend 2 snatches it)

Friend 2: Well, a trail starts on the other side of the lake, so we probably should follow those people heading over there on the right and see if we can pick it up from that point.

Friend 1: (Snatches the map back and studies it some more) Never follow some randos on a hike: they’re never going where you want to be, and they leave their litter and unleashed dogs just everywhere.

Friend 2: Now you know that’s not true –

Friend 1: AHA!  (Draws a finger around the lake on the map) If we go that way on the left, it’ll loop around to the trail no problem!  Let’s go.  (Strides purposefully to loop around the left side of the lake)

Friend 2: (Stares wistfully at the scattered groups of people on the right side of the lake, then mutters while following Friend 1) Can always turn around....

(They walk on the path for a few minutes until they reach a picnic area)

Friend 1: (Looks at the map) Hm, this must be new; the only picnic area this is showing around here should either be behind us or on the other side.

Friend 2: (Points at an icon) Is it that site way over there?

Friend 1: No, that’s too far away – we’re over here.  (Points to a different spot)

Friend 2: (Looks at the lake and cars passing by on a nearby road, then points at the map again) Seems like we’re more over here and the trail we want starts way over there –

Friend 1: No sense of direction – onward we go!  (Starts ascending a steep and craggy hill)

Friend 2: You sure about that?  Doesn’t seem like that’s an official path.

Friend 1: Get used to it, `cause there’re tons like this all over – it’s called Nature.

Friend 2: Whatever.

Friend 1: Don’t think I don’t know what you mean by that.  And as long as we have the lake in sight, were on the right track, trust me!  Trailhead should be here any minute!

(They climb up, then down, then up, then down, then – )

Friend 2: We’re circling around the other side of the lake now, you know.

Friend 1: (Looks out at the lake, back at their progress, down at the map, turning it on its side, then back at the lake again) Yep: trailhead should be here any minute!

Friend 2: <Sigh>

(They climb up, then down, then up, then down, then – )

Friend 2: (At the top of a root-riddled hill that Friend 1 had leapt down) I’m not certain this is an actual path meant for human beings!

Friend 1: Oh come on, how else are we supposed to get to the trailhead?!  The rangers obviously cleared it for use, look!  (Sweeps arm above the dirt trail)

Friend 2: For goat use, maybe!  And I’m starting to get tired – I don’t think I can get down there without injury.

Friend 1: Fine, if you can’t jump it just hold onto the tree and scootch your way down!  Either way, we are not turning around and going back the way we came, do you hear me?!

Friend 2: Unfortunately yes.  And you can call 911 when I break something.  (Gingerly steps and slips down the hill while holding onto tree trunks)

Friend 1: There: that wasn’t so bad, now was it?

Friend 2: I almost fell three times!

Friend 1: The balance comes with practice.

(They continue around the other side of the lake and emerge into a sandy clearing: from there, they see other hikers who are coming from the parking lot go around the right side of the lake to where a set of stairs lead into the woods.  Friend 1 follows them to a large display that features a map and holds the paper map up against that)

Friend 1: Oh, I see!  We were parked closer to the other side of the lake, so we should’ve come up this way instead and taken those stairs to a cut-through to the trailhead!  (Friend 2 grabs the paper map and whacks Friend 1 with it) I deserve that.

(They continue along the cut-through path, Friend 2 getting slower and slower)

Friend 1: (Breathes deeply) Ah, the wetlands air is so invigorating!

Friend 2: (Stops to drink mightily from a water bottle) It’s having the opposite effect on me at the moment.

Friend 1: (Places an arm around Friend 2’s shoulders) Isn’t this great, though?  The sense of adventure, without any of the risk of having to blaze a trail ourselves?  Ooh, watch your step.

(Friend 2 almost drops several feet as the elevation abruptly shifts again)

Friend 2: I thought you said this was the wimpy trail?!

Friend 1: It will be: this is just a cut-through to get to it from the lake side.  Looks pretty new, too – I think my map may be a bit out-of-date.

Friend 2: <Grinds teeth>

(They finally arrive at another large wooden display)

Friend 1: Yes!  Success!

Friend 2: (Drooping and gasping for air) What is it?  Did we reach the parking lot again?

Friend 1: Don’t be silly, that’s in the completely opposite direction!  (Spreads arms wide towards the display) This is it!

Friend 2: “It?”

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2) The trailhead!  We made it, at last!  Our hike can finally begin!  (Friend 2 slumps over to a nearby bench and tips forward to lie down on it; Friend 1 lowers arms and turns back to the display) Right: give you a minute.

Story 272: The Accidental Adventure

            (Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat)

            Friend 2: (Looking out the window) Sure you still don’t want to try ---------- ----- Park?

            Friend 1: They’re digging up half the place to install who-knows-what and the other half’ll be all muddy with yesterday’s rain.  Least at ----- ---- Park, we can use the paved trails all the way and hop on the roads if the mud takes over.

            Friend 2: Yeah, but this is the off-season; the beaches there are closed.

           Friend 1: And?  We’re not there for the beach: it’s January and we’re not dedicated fishers, or surfers, or dog-walkers.

            Friend 2: The restrooms also will be closed.  (Friend 1 glares at Friend 2) Might be something to think about.

            Friend 1: I think you should’ve gone before we left, like a good child.

            (They drive into the park)

            Friend 2: Oh no, the sign says there’s limited service.

            Friend 1: Of course there is, it’s off-season; didn’t we just have this conversation?

            Friend 2: No, it says there’s limited service because of the government shutdown.

            Friend 1: (Covers right ear with right hand while steering with the left) No politics, la-la-la-la-la!

            Friend 2: It’s not – I’m telling you what the sign says; this technically is a national park so there’s going to be limited service here during the shut –

            Friend 1: (Briefly covers both ears) NO!  POLITICS!

            Friend 2: Obtuse.  I’m just surprised this place is even open at all.

            Friend 1: Whelp, they didn’t seal off the entrance and there’re other cars milling about like us, so we’re going for it!

            (They aim for a parking lot and see a ranger truck and wooden barricades are blocking it)

            Friend 2: Huh, people are still working here – good show.

            Friend 1: Aw man, this was my starting point for the trail!

            Friend 2: Why not just go back to where it starts by the park entrance?

            Friend 1: Go back?  Never!  It’s onward or nothing!  (Speeds off)

            Friend 2: You’re exhausting.

            (They turn onto a lane for another lot that leads through the woods and far off the main road)

            Friend 2: How big is this island?  We’ve been driving on this thing for five minutes and I’ve yet to see any other cars –

            Friend 1: (Leaning forward intensely and gripping the steering wheel) It’s not an island, it’s a peninsula!

            Friend 2: Seriously?!  Ooh, quick, there’s the lot over there!

           Friend 1: (Swerves into the lot and parks with screeching tires) See?  There are other cars here.

           Friend 2: Yes, two whole other cars.  I have no idea where we are now – where’s the trail map?

            Friend 1: (As they exit the car) I never bother with those here: it’s all paved trails, where else are we gonna go, the ocean?

            Friend 2: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean the trail won’t just disappear into the ocean, and then where will we be?!

            Friend 1: We’ll just keep the water on our left as we head back, now stop ruining this for me!  (Finds the trail) You coming or not?

          Friend 2: (Sighs) The moment we get lost, I’m turning around and leaving you with the seagulls.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 1: Ah, there’s the lighthouse!  The last time I tried to drive over to it I wound up in the middle of a small town and was afraid the Coast Guard was going to kick me out.

           Friend 2: Great, you finally found the ginormous lighthouse that’s been hiding from you all these years, can we go now?

            Friend 1: It took us 45 minutes to drive out here; we are staying at least an hour and a half to get our time’s worth.  I would say money’s worth, but they only charge admission in the summer.

            Friend 2: An hour and – ?  I don’t think I can walk that long in one stretch!

           Friend 1: Lazy.  Go sit on the World War II battery wall and I’ll get you on the way back, then.

          Friend 2: No way you’re not – the woods on the other side look like they’re hiding something up to no good.

TEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 1: (Pointing to the right side of the trail) Oh look, a random workout station!

            Friend 2: That… certainly is random.

          Friend 1: Want to try it out?  I need to work on my arms.  (Hops onto one of the machines and begins pulling levers)

          Friend 2: That’s OK, I’m getting sufficient exercise at the moment.  (Hears a noise and freezes) Are there bears here?

            Friend 1: (In mid-pull) Huh?  Nah, just about 300 species of migratory birds, but no bears.

            Friend 2: How do you know?

            Friend 1: Said so on the Web site.  (Hops off the machine)

          Friend 2: Well what if that wasn’t updated?  What if bears were driven out of their homes on the mainland and decided to hang out here where it’s peaceful?  These trees aren’t big enough to climb away from them and there’s no one to call for help in time and I would never be able to outrun one and it’ll be a terrible way to die!

            Friend 1: You’re exhausting.  (Continues on the trail)

            Friend 2: That’s my line!

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 1: Ooh, look over there – ruins!

            Friend 2: Huh?

            Friend 1: (Runs past and climbs up an elevated cement floor in a clearing, spreading arms out) I read this was a testing ground for World War II weapons – they used to fire the big guns here – (Points down, then over to a fenced off area behind them) and there’re old buildings over there where they used to store everything.  You can tell that was important `cause now it’s all condemned.

            Friend 2: (Reads one of the explanatory signs stationed in the area) Hm.  They used to shoot things here until they saw the range was too short and had to pack the whole thing off to another state.  Bet the wildlife here was happy about that.

            Friend 1: (Hops back down to the ground, looking off to the side) Yeah; wonder if that guy is a reenactor or something.

            Friend 2: (Looks up from the sign) What guy?

           Friend 1: (Gestures with head) That guy, with the old-timey uniform.  Think he’s an employee, or a volunteer who does this sort of stuff for kicks?

         (They watch as the guy walks to the condemned area, opens a non-existent door, and disappears from view)

            Friend 2: I’d like to get lost some more now, please.

            Friend 1: Let’s.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            (On a beach)

           Friend 2: All right, how much longer can I stare at the soothing waves and impersonal city skyline?

            Friend 1: (Staring at the waves) Just a little longer….

          Friend 2: (Looks behind them) Oh good, there’s the lighthouse; as long as we keep that in  view, we should be able to make our way back to the car easily.

            Friend 1: Hm?  Oh yeah, good, `cause I lost track of the turn-offs we made ages ago.  Guess I should’ve brought a trail map, huh?

            Friend 2: Sigh.

TEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: So, the lighthouse should be getting bigger as we get closer to it, yes?

            Friend 1: Just keep walking: we are on the trail and the trail will not lead us astray.

            Friend 2: That’s true if we’re walking in the right direction –

            Friend 1: Never question the trail!

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: Did we pass that half-collapsed building when we first got here this morning, or did we just pass it five minutes ago?

           Friend 1: (Starts spinning helplessly in the center of a grassy common, surrounded by old Navy buildings converted into marine science labs) I – don’t – know!!!!! (Collapses onto the grass and sobs)

            Friend 2: All right, get up.  (Hauls Friend 1 off the ground and brushes off grass; points to a road) I think that was by the beginning part of the trail that led us here; we can take that back and see if it’ll bring us to the car, OK?

            Friend 1: (Sniffles) OK.

            Friend 2: (Puts a comforting arm around Friend 1’s shoulder as they walk) Would you like me to make you some hot chocolate when we get back?

            Friend 1: (Sniffles) OK.

           (They turn a corner and see the car, now surrounded by a massive number of vehicles in the lot)

            Friend 1: (Runs to the car and kisses the windshield) Oh bless you, my baby, I’ll never leave you again!

            Friend 2: Whatever – could you let me in?

          Friend 1: Oh, right.  (Unlocks the doors and the two collapse inside) Wow, my feet sure do hurt.  Good thing we don’t have to walk all the way back home, heh?

            Friend 2: Heh-heh-heh – just drive.

           Friend 1: (Starts the engine, pulls out of the lot onto one of the roads, then slams on the brakes) So… any idea which way now to get out of here?