Story 611: Trying to Avoid Being Late for Work

            (In a department store break room, Friend 1 tiptoes through the door, quietly opens a small locker, and tries to stealthily stash a coat and messenger bag into it, getting louder and louder as everything refuses to fit)

Friend 1: (Muttering) Get – in – you –

Manager: (Peeks head around an inner office doorway) Hey: need to talk to you for a minute.

Friend 1: (Pushes a bulge in as another item falls out) Oh, hey, um, actually, I probably should, you know, get on out there – (Stops to pick up an item) they probably need me, you know, out there – (Stops to pick up another item) you know, now – (Stops to pick up another item)

Manager: That’s what I want to talk to you about.  (Looks down briefly as another item falls onto the floor) Leave that for now.  (Goes back into the office)

Friend 1: (Hopping around stuff while mumbling) Oh-kay, thought we were all “Safety First” here…. (Enters the office and sits in a chair facing Manager) So – what’s up?

Manager: Your tardiness rate.

Friend 1: Oh?

Manager: You clocked in just now 15 minutes late for your shift.

Friend 1: Oh?  I thought it was only 10.

Manager: If it was the first or even the third time I’d let it go, but recently you’ve been steadily increasing your lateness minute-by-minute, so that I’m pretty certain one day you’ll clock in right as your shift is done.

Friend 1: …Well that’d be a neat trick.

Manager: This is your first and last official warning; next time, I’m writing you up.

Friend 1: Ah.  I suppose there’s no way at this point you can pretend you didn’t see me come in 10 –

Manager: Fifteen.

Friend 1: Fifteen minutes late, and we’ll let this be a valuable lesson to me?

Manager: You clocked into the system so it’s in the computer forever now.

Friend 1: Right.  Guess next time I should just “forget” to clock in and ask a manager to do it for me, eh?  (Exaggeratedly winks)

Manager: That is completely unethical, and next time you should come in on time!

Friend 1: Got it.  Would you accept the excuse that there was a lot of traffic?

Manager: No, because I know you live about five minutes away.  In fact, traffic actually was lighter today since it’s a holiday and there was no school!

Friend 1: Rats.  (Thinks for a few moments) And getting written up just means my permanent record’s besmirched, correct?

Manager: Three of them means you’re terminated.

Friend 1: Ohhhh….

Manager: This isn’t news: it was in the employee handbook when you were hired ages ago and it’s brought up at meetings at least once a year!

Friend 1: Yeah, but you never think these things actually apply to you, am-I-right?

Manager: (Sighs) If I cared more, I’d ask if anything was going on that’s making you late more and more, but I don’t so I won’t.

Friend 1: Good, `cause I don’t have an answer except that I’m lazy.

Manager: Clearly.  (Holds out a tablet) All right, sign here that we’ve spoken about this, then go out there and salvage what’s left of your shift.

Friend 1: Wait, I thought I wasn’t getting written up yet?!

Manager: Not officially, but we have to document everything, including verbal warnings.

Friend 1: (Signs the tablet) Typical corporate shenanigans. 

THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON 

(In the parking lot at Friend 1’s apartment building, Friend 2 pulls into a spot near Friend 1’s car as the latter is leaning against the vehicle)

Friend 2: (Hurriedly gets out of the car and rushes to Friend 1) Hey, what’s going on, are you all right?  You said it was an emergency.

Friend 1: (Pushes off the car and walks to the driver’s side door) You’re here, great: I need you to rear-end my car.  (Opens the door and starts to get into the driver’s seat)

Friend 2: (Pulls Friend 1 out of the car) Whoa-whoa-whoa – what?!

Friend 1: Yeah, I can’t get into too much detail right now, but basically I can’t clock in late for work again so I figured this would be the best excuse to not get written up and I technically wouldn’t be lying.

Friend 2: ….

Friend 1: Sooooo – (Gestures to the two cars) you gonna help me out here or what?

Friend 2: Are you out of your mind?!

Friend 1: Yes, I think we established that some time ago.

Friend 2: I’m not going to ruin my car and deal with insurance and the police for something so inane as you wanting an excuse for being late to work!

Friend 1: It’s not inane, I could lose my job – eventually.

Friend 2: That’s a you problem!  Why don’t you just say you got stuck in traffic, like everyone else?!

Friend 1: They’re onto me with that one.  C’mon, aren’t you proud of me that I’ll be telling the truth on this one, strictly speaking?

Friend 2: No, because it’s my car that’ll suffer, and my insurance and license that’ll be slammed since you’re asking me to hit you!

Friend 1: Oh, don’t worry about that: I’ll take all the blame, say I wasn’t looking when I was backing up or something, and our state’s no-fault so it’ll just be our insurance companies duking it out and it’s all legal and no one’ll get hurt.  It’ll be a win-win-win!

Friend 2: Yeah, and meanwhile my rates’ll go up!

Friend 1: …Maybe I can write them a note?

Friend 2: Forget it!  I won’t even entertain the idea of committing perjury for you!

Friend 1: Oh don’t exaggerate – perjury’s only when you’re under oath, so at most it’ll just be fraud.

Friend 2: Not better!

Friend 1: (Tsks and shakes head) You know, you’re putting me in a real bind here.

Friend 2: I’m doing JACK SQUAT!  You’re the one who put yourself in this mess, and with all the time you’ve taken coming up with this asinine plot and having me drive over here, you could’ve been at work for hours by now!

Friend 1: (Thinks on that, then shakes head again) Nah, I still would’ve been at least 20 minutes late.  Wow, the time really is going up every shift.

Friend 2: What’s gotten into you, anyway?  Why is it suddenly so hard to get into work on time?  You’ve done it for decades with no problem until now.

Friend 1: I don’t know; I think maybe I’m going through my seven-year body change, and lately when I’m getting ready for work I realize that I really really really don’t want to be there.

Friend 2: Then either get a new job or get over it, because I am not staging an accident to enable your bad habits.  And what would’ve been your excuse for next time, hm?

Friend 1: I’m working on it.

Friend 2: I’ll bet.

(Another car suddenly backs into Friend 1’s car)

Neighbor: (Jumping out of the driver’s seat and running over to Friend 1 and Friend 2) Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I didn’t see you parked there, are you OK?!

Friend 1: …You don’t know how happy you’ve made me.

Story 496: Taking a Toll

(In the middle of parkway traffic)

Friend 1: (Crawling along with the rest of the cars and singing along with the wrong lyrics on the radio) <You thrill up my clean-ses/Go thrill me agaaaaain!/Moo-moo-moo-moo-moo-mooooo-mooooo – > (Is interrupted by the cell phone ringing; turns off the radio and answers the call on speaker) Yellll-oh?

Friend 2: (Calling from a living room, surrounded by relatives and appetizers) Hey, just checking – did you make it to your parents’ house all right for Father’s Day?

Friend 1: (Brightly) I did not, so I’m heading there as we speak!

Friend 2: What?  Why didn’t you go there last night like you said you were?  If you’re on the parkway now, you’re going to get there in time to turn around and go home!

Friend 1: Well… life interfered and determined that I leave today instead of yesterday, so I yielded to the whims of fate.

Friend 2: You forgot you were supposed to leave last night instead of this afternoon.

Friend 1: …Yes.  I assume you did not.  Forget, I mean.

Friend 2: Are you kidding?  Whenever there’s a Sunday holiday I always get to my parents’ house by Thursday the latest.  Does a number on my days off from work, but well worth it.

Friend 1: (As the road begins to curve) Ah, hold that thought: toll booth coming up, and I never start out in the right lane since they always literally throw in a curve!

Friend 2: So, you finally break down and get Quick Ticket yet?

Friend 1: Why? This is one of the few times of the year I’m on the parkway; why should yet another company have my credit card on file, especially for something I rarely use?  Who do they think they are, The Gym?!

Friend 2: I think toll rates were raised again so you’d better have enough change, then.

Friend 1: Nonsense: I’m not the only old-school driver out here who’ll have larger bills needing breaking – gotta support the few toll attendants left, am-I-right?

Friend 2: It’s just that the amounts are a bit different now –

Friend 1: (Pulls up to a cash toll booth) Noted!  (To Toll Attendant 1) Greetings, fellow worker; this should justify your position to those out-of-touch corporate honchos for another day.  (Holds out a $20 bill)

Toll Attendant 1: (Softly sighs) That’s the 80^th 20 I’ve gotten today – do you happen to have exact change, or at least the coins, please?

Friend 1: Huh?  (Toll Attendant 1 points to a sign listing the toll amount) Three dollars AND 15 CENTS?!

Toll Attendant 1: I curse the day that amount was assigned to this plaza.

Friend 1: So do I!  (Rummages through wallet) How in the blazes did they decide on 15 CENTS?!

Toll Attendant 1: I suppose I should be thankful that the total ends in a five instead of any number other than zero – but I’m not.

Friend 1: I’ll say.  (Horns from the cars in line start blaring as Friend 1 hands over two $1 bills, several quarters, and a dime)

Toll Attendant 1: (Counts through the spread) Still need a nickel, please.               

Friend 1: Oh, sorry, thought it worked out with the quarters.  (Counts out five pennies and starts handing them over) Good thing you all still take pennies – whoops!  (Drops three pennies onto the road in mid-transfer)

Toll Attendant 1: Oy.

Friend 1: (Unbuckles seatbelt, opens the car door, and starts picking up the coins; as the car horns blare louder and longer, Friend 1 hands over the pennies and turns to face the honking cars) BABIES!

Toll Attendant 1: (Enters change into the register) Thank you – have a nice day, what’s left of it.

Friend 1: (Re-enters the car and rebuckles the belt) You as well; I don’t know how you stand it.

Toll Attendant 1: I don’t either.

(Friend 1 advances 30 feet before having to slow down to 4 mph again)

Friend 2: (Having moved on to the den, still a voice from the phone on the passenger seat) So, that sounded exciting.

Friend 1: (Jumps slightly in seat) Jumpin’ jacks, I forgot you were there.

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s very entertaining from this end.  Still convinced not to get Quick Ticket?

Friend 1: Yes – this was a one-time incident never to be repeated, either to myself or to anyone else in the vicinity.

Friend 2: Don’t you usually have at least two tolls and also one on the exit?

Friend 1: Maybeeee….

Friend 2: Plus the ones on the way back?

Friend 1: Just one toll on the way back.  And the parkway entrance.

Friend 2: Want me to stay on the line for moral support?

Friend 1: Please.  (At toll #2, Friend 1 inches forward to a stop and then holds out a $20 bill to Toll Attendant 2) Greetings, fellow –

Toll Attendant 2: Toll changed to $2.72.

Friend 1: (Mouth drops open) What happened to nice round numbers?

Toll Attendant 2: That was the north toll plaza.  You’re in the central toll plaza now.

Friend 1: I get it…. (Rummages through wallet) I seem to no longer have pennies.  Or quarters.  Or dimes.  Or nickels.  Or –

Toll Attendant 2: You have $3?

Friend 1: (Rummages through wallet, then looks up) No.

Toll Attendant 2: (As horns from the cars in line start blaring) $5?

Friend 1: (Rummages some more) I have $10.

Toll Attendant 2: Sold.  (Friend 1 hands over the bill and Toll Attendant 2 hands back the difference) Congratulations – you received the last of my change.  The next car is gonna hate you.

Friend 1: Don’t you get your register replenished or emptied out or turned over or something?

Toll Attendant 2: Hey, we’re lucky we get a paycheck.

Friend 1: Well, thanks anyway; have a great day!  (Slowly pulls away while giving a thumbs-up to the honking driver behind)

Toll Attendant 2: You too – I certainly won’t.

(Friend 1 begins crawling on the parkway again)

Friend 2: (Now sitting in an outdoor patio) Next toll booth’ll probably be exact change, since it’s an exit and those refuse to be staffed just to spite everyone.

Friend 1: (Gripping the steering wheel) I know….

(Forty-five minutes later, Friend 1 exits the parkway and approaches the toll booths)

Friend 1: I’m telling you, Dad owes me for the ordeal I’m undertaking on his behalf!

Friend 2: Don’t you owe him literally your entire existence?

Friend 1: That goes without saying.  (Peers up ahead) Well, whaddya know!  There’s actually an attendant here.

Friend 2: Really? That’s odd; usually those booths are just 50-or-75¢.

Friend 1: Who cares: someone’s getting my $20 today.  (Pulls up to the booth and holds out a $20 bill) Greet –

Toll Attendant 3: Toll’s now one dollar and a ha’penny.

Friend 1: …Excuse me a moment.  (Turns back to the passenger seat and picks up the phone) I’m hanging up now so your eardrums are spared the screams of my anguish.

Friend 2: Sure – when you’re done there, wish your dad “Happy Father’s Day” for me, yeah?

Friend 1: Likewise – at least some of us’ll be having a good day.