Story 522: Confess All for the New Year

             (In a church’s closed confessional booth, Priest and Parishioner 1 are kneeling on opposite sides of a screen)

Priest: – say five Our Fathers and two Hail Marys, and do one charitable work.

Parishioner 1: (Crosses self) Oh good; thank you, Father.  (Starts to stand)

Priest: (Holds up a finger) Ah: one charitable work you haven’t already done this past Advent, or were planning in advance for Lent.

Parishioner 1: Shucks – I mean, understood.

Priest: (Lowers hand and nods) Off you go, then.

Parishioner 1: (Stands again) Thanks again, Father – see you at Mass in a bit.

Priest: See you in a bit.  (Parishioner 1 leaves the booth, closing the door on the way out; Priest takes out a cell phone, checks a display, and shakes head) <Tsk> 50-to-0; bless their hearts.  (Puts the phone away, then frowns slightly on hearing the sound of raised voices outside the booth; the door suddenly flies open and Priest sees Penitent standing there with several angry parishioners standing some distance behind)

Penitent: Excuse me, Father, but can I give confession and get absolution and everything even though I’m not a parishioner here?

Priest: …Are you Catholic?

Penitent: (Thinks for half a second) Yeah.

Priest: (Gestures for Penitent to come into the booth) Then I’ll hear your confession and grant absolution.

Penitent: Great!  (Closes the door on the grumbling crowd and kneels) Figured “New Year, New Me” and all that, right?

Priest: Hm.  (Makes the sign of the cross for Penitent) In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit –

Penitent: (Crosses self) Oh yeah, I remember this part: bless me, Father, for I have sinned; it’s been more than 30 years since my first confession – (Pulls out a sheaf of paper from an inner jacket pocket) so I’ve got quite a list –

Priest: Hold on: you don’t need to confess every sin you’ve committed in the past 30 years.

Penitent: I don’t?

Priest: There’s a line of people waiting after you and about – (Briefly checks a wristwatch) 20 minutes before I have to prepare for Mass, so just… consolidate by topic.

Penitent: (Nods) Got it.  (Starts skimming through the papers) OK, here’s a recurring theme: (Looks back up at Priest) I lie, a lot.  And I mean, a lot: I almost wanted to lie to you just now and say I only do it occasionally, it’s that bad.

Priest: (Nods) Mm-hm.

Penitent: (Grabs onto the holes in the screen) It’s a real compulsion, and it’s ruining my life – you gotta help me, Father, how do I stop myself?!

Priest: This is only confession, my child; if you need spiritual guidance, please call the main office to make an appointment and I’ll be happy to speak with you all about it another time.

Penitent: (Lets go of the screen) Never mind.  (Flips through the papers) OK… (Looks back up at Priest) I cheated on my taxes and other stuff I owed for decades and told people I was making a stand against big government, but deep down I was just being cheap.

Priest: (Nods) Uh-huh – not to judge, but I have to warn you that that may catch up with you one day.  Legally speaking.

Penitent: Whaddya mean?

Priest: I mean, you may get audited and have to pay fines and back taxes, and maybe even serve time in prison.

Penitent: Oh!  That reminds me – (Flips through a few more sheets, runs a finger down the page, stops at a paragraph and looks back up at Priest) burglary.

Priest: You’ve committed it?

Penitent: Yeah.

Priest: Have you made restitution?

Penitent: Huh?  Oh, well, not directly; I served seven years in the state pen for it, does that count?

Priest: (Sighs quietly) It will have to in this case.

Penitent: That brings me to another thing: while I was inside the priest there kept wanting to hear my confession for it, but my whole defense was based on me saying I didn’t do it, which clearly didn’t work, but if I then confessed saying I did do it then it’d’ve felt like the whole thing was pointless, but now I’m wondering if not confessing was really just doubling down on the sin?

Priest: (Thinks for a few moments) Well, you’re confessing it now, so we’ll leave it at that, then.

Penitent: Awesome!  `Cause I might have to do it again, so if I get caught again I wanted to make sure I should just confess all from the get-go.

Priest: My child, instead please resolve not to break the law for your own gain going forward.

Penitent: Oh, it’s not for me: a buddy of mine really wants to get back at this other dude for –

Priest: (Holds up both hands) Please don’t tell me any more details of your life of crime!

Penitent: (Nods knowingly) Plausible deniability – I get it.

Priest: (Lowers hands and shakes head) No: everything you say here is confidential under the seal of confession, but I don’t want – I don’t need to be told every single detail to grant you absolution, understood?  And please stop committing felonies and misdemeanors.

Penitent: I dunno, Father, how’m I supposed to do that?

Priest: It’s amazingly easy not to do something – it requires literally no effort on your part.

Penitent: (Nods while thinking) You know, you might have something there.  (Flips through more pages as Priest wearily shakes head) Here’s a recent one that’s a real pickle: some frenemy asked me to adopt a cat from the local shelter, but I don’t have supplies and I didn’t really want to take all that on, so I didn’t.

Priest: That’s… not a sin.

Penitent: Really?  Why not?

Priest: You admittedly wouldn’t have been able to take care of the cat, so instead the creature will go to a loving home with people who actually “want to take all that on”.

Penitent: (Scoffs) I doubt it – I was told this cat’s pretty much unadoptable and I was asked as a last resort, so I don’t think that fur baby’s going anywhere good, if you know what I mean.

Priest: (Rubs temples and quietly recites) “Jesus loves me, this I know – ”

Penitent: (Leans closer to the screen) What’s that, Father?

Priest: (Drops hands and looks back at Penitent) Listen, I think you’ve confessed enough for one day –

Penitent: (Holds up the sheaf) But Father, I’m just getting started!

Priest: We’re running out of time, and as I’ve mentioned there are others waiting after you, so let’s wrap this up with the basics: have you committed acts of gluttony?

Penitent: (Tilts head to think) Sometimes.  Really just on Thanksgiving, but don’t we all?

Priest: (Grinds teeth) Envy?

Penitent: Eh.

Priest: Wrath?

Penitent: (Eyes flare) Yeah!

Priest: Lust?

Penitent: (Eyes leer) Oh, yeah!

Priest: Pride?

Penitent: (Smiles smugly) I can say, with all humility, no.  (Priest stares at Penitent, who looks down and mumbles) Maybe a little.

Priest: Sloth?

Penitent: (Looks back up) Hey, so what if I like to sleep in every now and then?  Science backs me up: it’s medically necessary!

Priest: Greed?

Penitent: Is it greedy to take more than my share because other people in my opinion have too much?

Priest: Yes.

Penitent: Then yes.  But I really think I should get more time to cover the decades I skipped –

Priest: No!  You’re done here taking up everyone’s time, including mine!  (Quickly makes the sign of the cross for Penitent, who automatically crosses self in response) I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit – great, now I’m doing this all backwards, I forgot to give you your penance first!

Penitent: Oh that’s all right, Father, I won’t tell anyone if you skip that part.  (Winks broadly)

Priest: Nothing doing!  Your penance is to say 50 Our Fathers and 50 Hail Marys, and do 30 charitable works, including finding that poor cat a forever home if it’s not too late!

Penitent: (Stands suddenly) Whoa, Father, that’s all a bit harsh, don’t you think?!

Priest: On the contrary, I don’t think it’s harsh enough!  Just be thankful I didn’t thrown in reciting 50 rosaries on top of it!

Penitent: (Shoves papers back into the jacket pocket and sighs heavily) Fine, I’ll do what you say, long as it means I’m now all clear to go and sin some more.

Priest: It’s “go and sin no more”!

Penitent: Really?  Well that’s just an unreasonable expectation.  (Opens the door, sees the angry crowd, and turns back around) Ooh, I forgot to add: I cut the line so I could go next; is that a sin, too?

Priest: (Glares at Penitent) Yes, but since you finished confessing and I already granted absolution, you’ll have to save that one for next time.

Penitent: “Next time”?!  You mean I have to keep coming back?!  What kind of racket is this??!!  (Meanwhile, Parishioner 2 has gone around Penitent to enter the booth and slams the door shut; Penitent’s voice is now muffled) I’m suing the Vatican!

Parishioner 2: (Smiles at Priest, kneels, and crosses self as Priest makes the sign of the cross) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned – it’s been one week since my last confession, and my first sin is the many, many uncharitable thoughts I’ve had towards that fellow penitent who left just now.

Priest: (Sighs) That will be my sin to confess as well, my child.

Story 511: Cursed With No Good Parking Spots

(In a supermarket self-checkout area, Little Old Lady slowly steps forward each time the shoppers ahead advance gradually.  As a kiosk’s light flashes when she is next in line, she gently picks up her basket that was set down on the floor and starts to head over there; she only makes it two steps before the shopper who was behind her zips around and zooms to the open kiosk)

Little Old Lady: Excuse me, but I was next.

The Cutter: (Pauses momentarily in high-speed scanning to address her) You snooze, you lose, GRAAAAAANDMAAAAAA!  (Resumes scanning)

Employee: (Hurriedly approaches Little Old Lady) I am so sorry I couldn’t stop this in time – would you like me to ring up your purchases for you when another kiosk opens?  (Gestures to The Cutter and lowers voice) I’ll also give that one the stink eye, if you like.

Little Old Lady: You are too kind, Overworked Employee, but no need – I have this under control.  (Flings away the basket and suddenly grows to a height of 10 feet as lightning flashes, thunder booms, winds blast throughout the store, overhead lights flicker on and off, and everyone else ducks for cover)

The Cutter: (Dives partially under a shelf holding a can of beans) HOLY – !

Giant Old Lady: (In a booming voice) HEAR ME, WRETCH: DUE TO THY HEARTLESS IMPATIENCE AND JUST PLAIN RUDENESS, I HEREBY CURSE YE FOR ALL ETERNITY!

The Cutter: (Trying to huddle farther back into a corner; mutters) Cripes; that’s the second time this month.

Giant Old Lady: MY CURSE UNTO YE BE THIS: TO THE END OF THY DAYS, YE WILL NEVER FIND A PARKING SPOT AGAIN!

The Cursèd: (Eyes widen in horror) What?!  Noooooooo!!!!  (Scurries out from under the shelf to fall on knees before Giant Old Lady and clasp hands in supplication) Wait, please, I beg you, mercy!  There’s no mass transit in this area; I have to drive to get anywhere; where am I gonna put the car???!!!  (Is hit in the face with a wind-blown circular; flings it away)

Giant Old Lady: NOT MY PROBLEM!

The Cursèd: And this won’t just affect me, you know – I drive other people, too!  Occasionally!

Giant Old Lady: THEY CAN BE DROPPED OFF!

The Cursèd: Drat.  Some leniency then, please!  I could have tripped you on my way past, but I didn’t!

Giant Old Lady: VERY WELL.  MY CURSE IS EDITED TO BE THUS: THAT YE WILL NEVER FIND A GOOD PARKING SPOT AGAIN, AHAHAHAHA!!!

The Cursèd: (Lowers head into hands and sobs) Better, but not much.

Giant Old Lady: `TIS DONE, AND CANNOT BE UNDONE!  (Waves arms in a flourish that whips up the winds even more, then shrinks back to previous size as the indoor weather abruptly stops and the overhead lights remain on)

Little Old Lady: (To Employee, who slowly emerges from behind a discount DVD bin) Apologies, but would you mind finding my basket, please?  I seem to have misplaced it.

Employee: (Quickly shoves the items that had spilled out back into the basket and hands it at arm’s length to Little Old Lady) Here – on the house, basket and all.

Little Old Lady: (Gently takes it) Such a dear.  (To The Cursèd) See where a little kindness can get you in life?

The Cursèd: Huuuuuuhhhhhh????

Little Old Lady: (On the way out of the store) Have a nice walk to your car; it’s the last time it’ll ever be this short, hee-hee-hee!

(The entire store stares at The Cursèd, who slowly stands and stares back at all the faces glaring in reproach)

The Cursèd: ….

The Store: ….

The Cursèd: …Old people, am-I-right?  (Is pelted by packages of napkins and paper towels from all directions)

THE NEXT DAY

(In an office conference room)

Manager: (Addressing several employees seated at a long table, basically speaking to a packet of papers being reviewed) Budget got underestimated again this year, so guess who are not getting raises, again –

(A groan ripples across the table)

Coworker 1: Could the company tell that to all our bills?

Coworker 2: Yeah, if no one anywhere across the nation is getting raises lately, then how are prices still going up?

Manager: (Slowly looks up from the packet) I… don’t know…?  (The Cursèd slips in through the door and slides into a seat at the end of the table; everyone else turns to stare) You realize this isn’t a huge lecture hall and we all saw you slither in here, yes?

The Cursèd: (Bites nails) I was hoping not to interrupt.

Manager: Mind explaining why you’re – (Checks watch and raises eyebrows) over two hours late to work today?

The Cursèd: (Stops biting) Right now?

Manager: Yes!

The Cursèd: (Mumbles at the table) I couldn’t find a parking spot.

Manager: What was that?

The Cursèd: I couldn’t find a spot to park my car!

Manager: That’s ridiculous; there are always tons of spots here!

The Cursèd: Well, today a bunch of school buses decided to take up half of them, and what was clearly non-emergency construction took over the rest by the time I got here!

Manager: So where’d you wind up, then?  Don’t tell me the strip mall down the street?

The Cursèd: No, I’m not walking 10 blocks in highway traffic, are you kidding?  I just parked out front and put on my hazard lights.

Manager: For all day?

The Cursèd: Yeah, why not?

Manager: For one thing, that’ll drain the battery right up, and for another, you’re probably going to get towed `cause that’s a fire lane.

The Cursèd: But they can’t tow me, I have my hazards on!

Coworker 3: (Leaning toward the window and peering down at the street) Hate to break it to you, but they’re towing you right now.

The Cursèd: (Runs out of the room) The curse, the curse!

(The rest stare at the empty doorway, then back at each other)

Manager: Is that some new way of cursing?  (The others shrug)

THE NEXT WEEK

(At a theater during intermission)

Audience Member 1: (To Audience Member 2 as both stand and stretch) I tell you, this show keeps getting better as the night goes on!

Audience Member 2: I know, I’m so glad we got to see it today, I’ve been looking forward to it for ages!  It’s been so much fun, I don’t even mind that we missed the first 10 minutes while looking for…. (Glances at phone)

Audience Member 1: Yeah.  Wanna try calling again?

Audience Member 2: (Sighs) I guess, although it’s pretty much a moot point by now.  (Selects a contact and waits for the call to pick up) Hey!  So, any luck with the hunt?

The Cursèd: (On speaker phone, gripping the steering wheel while stopped mid-uphill in a parking garage) After my 57^th circuit of this skyscraper, I spotted a pedestrian who is actually walking uphill instead of down – I believe my patience has at last been rewarded, since after stalking this individual for 13 levels they at last entered a vehicle, and all I have to do is wait with my blinker on to show that this spot is mine.

Audience Member 2: That’s great!  How long you think it’ll take to get here from there, then?

The Cursèd: Well, I’ve been waiting for this car to depart for nearly half an hour, so any minute now it should take me another 10 to get there.

Audience Member 2: …I don’t think that person’s leaving anytime soon.

The Cursèd: (Grips the wheel tighter, bloodshot eyes blazing) MY PATIENCE WILL BE REWARDED!

Audience Member 2: (As house lights dim and both sit) All righty, keep me posted by text then, bye!  (Ends call; whispers to Audience Member 1) Make sure to pick up an extra program on our way out.

Audience Member 1: (Whispers back as the curtain opens) Too bad they don’t let you do the old “Turn on your hazards and leave the car out front” here.

THE NEXT MONTH

(At a church parking lot, The Cursèd wearily circles around again as a wedding party processes inside)

The Cursèd: (Exits the lot to start touring the full side streets) Whelp, guess I’m out of the will again.  (Suddenly sees Little Old Lady waiting to cross the street, slams on the brakes and leans out the window) Oh come on!

Little Old Lady: (Points to the wedding party) Are those your relatives?

The Cursèd: Yes!  My parents, for the third time!  (Little Old Lady raises an eyebrow) Don’t ask.

Little Old Lady: It seems drama runs in the family.  If you drop me off at the main door, you may find a spot right in front will have “miraculously” opened up, pun intended.

The Cursèd: (Flings open the passenger side door) Yes – please – anything – I’ve been driving non-stop for weeks and had to refill the gas tank 20 times this month!  (Little Old Lady crosses the street and gets into the passenger seat; The Cursèd circles back to the parking lot) Wait a minute, you’re going to this wedding too?  (Gasps in panic) Are we related?!

Little Old Lady: (Chuckles) Of course, everyone everywhere is related if you go back far enough.  (The Cursèd’s eyes widen in realization) But in this case, I just volunteer to clean up after ceremonial messes.

The Cursèd: Oh good – I was afraid you were going to tell me I’ll turn into you one day or something.  (Stops at the curb and gestures at the church’s main door) There it is – have at you, and never curse me again.

Little Old Lady: (While exiting the car) Oh dear, you do realize this is just a one-time reprieve: you’re still cursed for eternity, no getting out of it.

The Cursèd: Son of a – (Sees a car leaving a spot right in front) MINE!  (Speeds away with the passenger side door still hanging open)

Little Old Lady: (Shakes head and tuts at the exhaust and burning rubber) Typical: no one ever learns their lesson after being eternally cursed.

Story 308: Tour Guide Tribulations

            (Outside Vatican City)

          Tour Guide: All right, everyone stay together and try not to lose me in the daily crowd of millions.  You all have your radios?

            Tourists: Check!

            Tourist 1: No.

            Tour Guide: Where is the one my assistant gave you?

            Tourist 1: I don’t know.

           Tour Guide: …OK, go grab another one and hold on tight: none of you will be able to hear a word I’m saying without it.

            Tourists: Check!

            Tour Guide: Right.  Now keep an eye out for my banner.  (Raises aloft a golf club with a full-size Italian flag attached to it).  Memorize this – you don’t want to start following another group and wind up in St. Peter’s Basilica’s crypt, now do you?

            Tourist 2: [Gasps] The crypt was an option?!

            Tour Guide: Not in this package – and away we go!

            (The group huddles together through the innumerable crowds outside the mile-high walls and goes through security to enter the foreign country of Vatican City)

            Tourist 3: Oh no, you didn’t tell us we needed to bring our passports!

            Tour Guide: You don’t need them to get in.

            Tourist 3: But we’re technically entering an independent nation!

            Tour Guide: Just keep moving – you’re holding up the line.

          (The group huddles together through the innumerable crowds to enter the Vatican Museums)

            Tour Guide: And in this section of artwork dating back centuries, here are some pagan statues of heathens.

            Tourist 4: Such heresy in the Holy See!  And all that unseemly marble flesh!

            Tour Guide: I know, isn’t it awesome?

         (The group huddles together through the innumerable crowds in the rest of the Museums)

            Tour Guide: Wait a minute – did we lose somebody back there?

            Tourist 5: (Two rooms back) Wait for meeee….

            Tour Guide: Everybody else stay here – I have never lost a paying customer in the 23 years I’ve done this tour, and I’ll be blazed if I break my record now.  (Swims upstream to drag Tourist 5 back to the rest of the group)  Pick a buddy and stay with them.

            Tourist 5: But I came by myself.

            Tour Guide: Until the tour ends, we’re all family now!

        (The group huddles together through the innumerable crowds outside the Sistine Chapel)

          Tour Guide: So, only two rules: no photos, and for the love of all that is literally holy, shut the… heaven up in there.

            Tourist 6: But what if – ?

            Tour Guide: No photos and no talking!  Why can no one ever just say “OK” and do it?!

            (The group huddles together through the innumerable crowds in the Sistine Chapel)

            Overhead Speaker: (In every language) SHUT THE ---- UP!

          Tourists: I’m hungry – I’m tired – I got a good picture of the ceiling – My feet hurt – Where’s the Pope? – Where’s our guide? – What are they yelling about? – I can’t hear you –

          Tour Guide: (In head) Forgive them, for they know not what they do.  Except they probably do and just don’t care, but I’m being generous.

            (The group huddles together through the innumerable crowds in St. Peter’s Basilica)

           Tour Guide: Admire the artwork, admire the holiness, admire the wedding that’s going on in that side chapel over there –

            Tourist 7: Whoa, how much did that cost?

           Tour Guide: I’m afraid to even think about it.  (Looks around) For crying out loud, did we lose somebody again?!

            Tourist 5: (Trapped by at the high altar) Wait for meeee….

           Tour Guide: Nobody move!  I am not tripping at the finish line here!  (Swims upstream to drag Tourist 5 back to the rest of the group) You’re lucky I’m never seeing you ever again after this.

            (The group huddles together through the innumerable crowds in St. Peter’s Square)

           Tour Guide: (Facing the group) All right, take in the view.  (They admire the view)  OK, tour’s over, you can disperse now.

          Tourist 8: (Handing over a tip) You’re the best tour guide we’ve ever had, and we’ve been to every country on this continent!

           Tour Guide: Thank you; it’s good you did the morning one and not my 3:00 – that’s when this place really gets crowded.