Story 511: Cursed With No Good Parking Spots

(In a supermarket self-checkout area, Little Old Lady slowly steps forward each time the shoppers ahead advance gradually.  As a kiosk’s light flashes when she is next in line, she gently picks up her basket that was set down on the floor and starts to head over there; she only makes it two steps before the shopper who was behind her zips around and zooms to the open kiosk)

Little Old Lady: Excuse me, but I was next.

The Cutter: (Pauses momentarily in high-speed scanning to address her) You snooze, you lose, GRAAAAAANDMAAAAAA!  (Resumes scanning)

Employee: (Hurriedly approaches Little Old Lady) I am so sorry I couldn’t stop this in time – would you like me to ring up your purchases for you when another kiosk opens?  (Gestures to The Cutter and lowers voice) I’ll also give that one the stink eye, if you like.

Little Old Lady: You are too kind, Overworked Employee, but no need – I have this under control.  (Flings away the basket and suddenly grows to a height of 10 feet as lightning flashes, thunder booms, winds blast throughout the store, overhead lights flicker on and off, and everyone else ducks for cover)

The Cutter: (Dives partially under a shelf holding a can of beans) HOLY – !

Giant Old Lady: (In a booming voice) HEAR ME, WRETCH: DUE TO THY HEARTLESS IMPATIENCE AND JUST PLAIN RUDENESS, I HEREBY CURSE YE FOR ALL ETERNITY!

The Cutter: (Trying to huddle farther back into a corner; mutters) Cripes; that’s the second time this month.

Giant Old Lady: MY CURSE UNTO YE BE THIS: TO THE END OF THY DAYS, YE WILL NEVER FIND A PARKING SPOT AGAIN!

The Cursèd: (Eyes widen in horror) What?!  Noooooooo!!!!  (Scurries out from under the shelf to fall on knees before Giant Old Lady and clasp hands in supplication) Wait, please, I beg you, mercy!  There’s no mass transit in this area; I have to drive to get anywhere; where am I gonna put the car???!!!  (Is hit in the face with a wind-blown circular; flings it away)

Giant Old Lady: NOT MY PROBLEM!

The Cursèd: And this won’t just affect me, you know – I drive other people, too!  Occasionally!

Giant Old Lady: THEY CAN BE DROPPED OFF!

The Cursèd: Drat.  Some leniency then, please!  I could have tripped you on my way past, but I didn’t!

Giant Old Lady: VERY WELL.  MY CURSE IS EDITED TO BE THUS: THAT YE WILL NEVER FIND A GOOD PARKING SPOT AGAIN, AHAHAHAHA!!!

The Cursèd: (Lowers head into hands and sobs) Better, but not much.

Giant Old Lady: `TIS DONE, AND CANNOT BE UNDONE!  (Waves arms in a flourish that whips up the winds even more, then shrinks back to previous size as the indoor weather abruptly stops and the overhead lights remain on)

Little Old Lady: (To Employee, who slowly emerges from behind a discount DVD bin) Apologies, but would you mind finding my basket, please?  I seem to have misplaced it.

Employee: (Quickly shoves the items that had spilled out back into the basket and hands it at arm’s length to Little Old Lady) Here – on the house, basket and all.

Little Old Lady: (Gently takes it) Such a dear.  (To The Cursèd) See where a little kindness can get you in life?

The Cursèd: Huuuuuuhhhhhh????

Little Old Lady: (On the way out of the store) Have a nice walk to your car; it’s the last time it’ll ever be this short, hee-hee-hee!

(The entire store stares at The Cursèd, who slowly stands and stares back at all the faces glaring in reproach)

The Cursèd: ….

The Store: ….

The Cursèd: …Old people, am-I-right?  (Is pelted by packages of napkins and paper towels from all directions)

THE NEXT DAY

(In an office conference room)

Manager: (Addressing several employees seated at a long table, basically speaking to a packet of papers being reviewed) Budget got underestimated again this year, so guess who are not getting raises, again –

(A groan ripples across the table)

Coworker 1: Could the company tell that to all our bills?

Coworker 2: Yeah, if no one anywhere across the nation is getting raises lately, then how are prices still going up?

Manager: (Slowly looks up from the packet) I… don’t know…?  (The Cursèd slips in through the door and slides into a seat at the end of the table; everyone else turns to stare) You realize this isn’t a huge lecture hall and we all saw you slither in here, yes?

The Cursèd: (Bites nails) I was hoping not to interrupt.

Manager: Mind explaining why you’re – (Checks watch and raises eyebrows) over two hours late to work today?

The Cursèd: (Stops biting) Right now?

Manager: Yes!

The Cursèd: (Mumbles at the table) I couldn’t find a parking spot.

Manager: What was that?

The Cursèd: I couldn’t find a spot to park my car!

Manager: That’s ridiculous; there are always tons of spots here!

The Cursèd: Well, today a bunch of school buses decided to take up half of them, and what was clearly non-emergency construction took over the rest by the time I got here!

Manager: So where’d you wind up, then?  Don’t tell me the strip mall down the street?

The Cursèd: No, I’m not walking 10 blocks in highway traffic, are you kidding?  I just parked out front and put on my hazard lights.

Manager: For all day?

The Cursèd: Yeah, why not?

Manager: For one thing, that’ll drain the battery right up, and for another, you’re probably going to get towed `cause that’s a fire lane.

The Cursèd: But they can’t tow me, I have my hazards on!

Coworker 3: (Leaning toward the window and peering down at the street) Hate to break it to you, but they’re towing you right now.

The Cursèd: (Runs out of the room) The curse, the curse!

(The rest stare at the empty doorway, then back at each other)

Manager: Is that some new way of cursing?  (The others shrug)

THE NEXT WEEK

(At a theater during intermission)

Audience Member 1: (To Audience Member 2 as both stand and stretch) I tell you, this show keeps getting better as the night goes on!

Audience Member 2: I know, I’m so glad we got to see it today, I’ve been looking forward to it for ages!  It’s been so much fun, I don’t even mind that we missed the first 10 minutes while looking for…. (Glances at phone)

Audience Member 1: Yeah.  Wanna try calling again?

Audience Member 2: (Sighs) I guess, although it’s pretty much a moot point by now.  (Selects a contact and waits for the call to pick up) Hey!  So, any luck with the hunt?

The Cursèd: (On speaker phone, gripping the steering wheel while stopped mid-uphill in a parking garage) After my 57^th circuit of this skyscraper, I spotted a pedestrian who is actually walking uphill instead of down – I believe my patience has at last been rewarded, since after stalking this individual for 13 levels they at last entered a vehicle, and all I have to do is wait with my blinker on to show that this spot is mine.

Audience Member 2: That’s great!  How long you think it’ll take to get here from there, then?

The Cursèd: Well, I’ve been waiting for this car to depart for nearly half an hour, so any minute now it should take me another 10 to get there.

Audience Member 2: …I don’t think that person’s leaving anytime soon.

The Cursèd: (Grips the wheel tighter, bloodshot eyes blazing) MY PATIENCE WILL BE REWARDED!

Audience Member 2: (As house lights dim and both sit) All righty, keep me posted by text then, bye!  (Ends call; whispers to Audience Member 1) Make sure to pick up an extra program on our way out.

Audience Member 1: (Whispers back as the curtain opens) Too bad they don’t let you do the old “Turn on your hazards and leave the car out front” here.

THE NEXT MONTH

(At a church parking lot, The Cursèd wearily circles around again as a wedding party processes inside)

The Cursèd: (Exits the lot to start touring the full side streets) Whelp, guess I’m out of the will again.  (Suddenly sees Little Old Lady waiting to cross the street, slams on the brakes and leans out the window) Oh come on!

Little Old Lady: (Points to the wedding party) Are those your relatives?

The Cursèd: Yes!  My parents, for the third time!  (Little Old Lady raises an eyebrow) Don’t ask.

Little Old Lady: It seems drama runs in the family.  If you drop me off at the main door, you may find a spot right in front will have “miraculously” opened up, pun intended.

The Cursèd: (Flings open the passenger side door) Yes – please – anything – I’ve been driving non-stop for weeks and had to refill the gas tank 20 times this month!  (Little Old Lady crosses the street and gets into the passenger seat; The Cursèd circles back to the parking lot) Wait a minute, you’re going to this wedding too?  (Gasps in panic) Are we related?!

Little Old Lady: (Chuckles) Of course, everyone everywhere is related if you go back far enough.  (The Cursèd’s eyes widen in realization) But in this case, I just volunteer to clean up after ceremonial messes.

The Cursèd: Oh good – I was afraid you were going to tell me I’ll turn into you one day or something.  (Stops at the curb and gestures at the church’s main door) There it is – have at you, and never curse me again.

Little Old Lady: (While exiting the car) Oh dear, you do realize this is just a one-time reprieve: you’re still cursed for eternity, no getting out of it.

The Cursèd: Son of a – (Sees a car leaving a spot right in front) MINE!  (Speeds away with the passenger side door still hanging open)

Little Old Lady: (Shakes head and tuts at the exhaust and burning rubber) Typical: no one ever learns their lesson after being eternally cursed.

Story 321: The Curse of the Pay-It-Forward

            The children gathered around the Wizened Figure sitting in front of the fireplace – it was the only consistently warm place in the entire house.

            “Tell us a story,” one child cutely demanded as the group sat in a semicircle on the floor.

            “Needy little tyrant, aren’t we?” the Wizened Figure chuckled affectionately.

            “Please tell us a story.”

            “Yeah, a ghost story!”

            “Wrong holiday, kid,” Wizened Figure said.

           “No, you can tell ghost stories this time of year – that guy did it in A Christmas Carol,” an almost-teen pointed out.

            “And there’s even a line about it in ‘It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” another not-quite-teen said.

            “Really?”  Wizened Figure pondered this.  “Oh yeah, there is – how’d that even become a thing?”

            The children chorused: “Pleeeeease tell us a ghost story, pleeeeease!!!”

         Wizened Figure shifted in the armchair to a more comfortable position.  “All right, you weirdos.  I don’t have a ghost story per se, though – this actually is a story about a curse.”

            “What kind of curse?” a young `un chimed in.

           “It’s in the title.”  Wizened Figure leaned in menacingly: “‘The Curse of the Pay-It-Forward.’”

            “Oooooooooohhhhhh….”

            “And most important: everything you are about to hear is TRUE.”

            “Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh….”

           “It all began back when I was in the prime of my youth, full of life and ready to take on the world….”

TWO DAYS EARLIER

            I was doing some last-minute shopping in the city for both Christmas and Hanukkah presents, and everywhere I went, there everyone else was, too.

            (Scenes of Wizened Figure now as Younger Figure struggling through the crowds on the city streets, then struggling through the crowds in the stores, then struggling through the crowds on the city streets again, carrying overloaded bags)

            Of course, it didn’t help that it was cold and raining – if we have to freeze, can’t we at least have some pretty snow to look at while we’re turning into ice?

            (Younger Figure is drenched in gallons of water splashed by passing cars)

          I was in the last store of the night, nearly finished with my mental list of gifts – I forget someone every year, but usually they’re OK with a belated present and I have yet to repeat a forgotten person.

           (Younger Figure is at a checkout counter, handing over items to the cashier and watching the digits on the register increase)

          At that point, I was looking forward to being home within the next hour-and-a-half, skipping dinner, changing into flannel pajamas, and going straight to sleep.  Before I could do that, though, the cashier gave me my unspeakable total, and I started counting out the cash.

            Younger Figure: (Counts bills and change, then counts them again) Wait a minute….

            Cashier: (Starting to get antsy) Yeah, just another dollar.

          Younger Figure: Um…. (Starts going through wallet again) OK, I have this – (Begins taking out dimes) I have this –

           Cashier: It’s OK if you get close enough: we have extra change left over here.  (Shakes a small container at Younger Figure, rattling the coins inside)

            Younger Figure: No-no, I have this – (Starts taking out pennies) I am not charging a dollar on my credit card – I have this –

            All of a sudden, an angel appeared.

            (The customer behind Younger Figure holds out a dollar)

            Customer: Here you go.

            Younger Figure: (Shakes head frantically) No-no, I have this –

            Other Customers in Line: Just take the dollar!

            Customer: In the spirit of the season.

           In my moment of weakness, I hesitated – then, they said the dreaded words that haunt me still:

            Customer: You can pay it forward. 

(Unseasonable lighting flashes and thunder crashes)

To this day, I will never forget the sight of my trembling hand taking the dollar bill in shame and then giving it to the exhausted cashier who could finally ring me up.

Younger Figure: (To Customer and Cashier) Thank you so much – I really never do this.

Why does that always sound like a lie?  Anyway, we all wished each other “Happy Holidays” and I ran out of there with my face burning in annoyance.

(On a bus, Younger Figure takes up two seats surrounded by all the shopping bags and is talking on a phone)

Younger Figure: No, I had enough money with me, I had almost counted it out in change if they’d just given me another 30 seconds, you know how impatient everyone is this time of year, and I would've had more money with me if I had just gone to the ATM before that store instead of saving it for after, and I also would’ve had enough if I had just bought the one box of brownie mix for work like I’d planned instead of two because the sign said they were two for $5 so I thought then I’d be spending less on each but really I spent more because I really only needed one, plus I remembered half an hour after the whole thing that someone had given me a gift card at work today that I’d stuck in my pocket so I could’ve even used that and just paid myself back later, and now I made myself look like I’m someone who can’t manage their own money and needs strangers to bail them out of a mess they got themselves into, and the worst part about it is the whole thing was completely avoidable if I'd just managed my own money better!  (Listens) ….Yes I’m going to let this bother me all night!

As time went on, though, the aggravation gave way to the horrible realization: I now owed a debt, a debt of $1.00, and I had to find a way to PAY IT FORWARD, else be burdened forever.  My first stop was the church’s poor box.

Altar Server: Doesn’t count.

Younger Figure: (Hand holding a dollar is hovered over the box) Huh?

Altar Server: You have to give it in the spur of the moment to help someone else out.  Plus you should be donating to this thing regularly, and I can tell you never do.

I tried to give it to one of my coworkers.

Coworker: What am I going to do with a dollar?

Younger Figure: I dunno, coffee?  Can you still get coffee for a dollar?

Coworkers: Depends on where you get it.  And no, this’d mean now I’d have to pay it forward, and who needs that headache?

Younger Figure: Ingrate.

I tried street corner Santa Clauses; I tried school sports teams canning outside stores; I tried our building’s mail carrier – not one of them were willing to release me from the curse and take it on themselves.  I even tried not telling people what it was for, but they wouldn’t be fooled.

Younger Figure: (Holding out a dollar bill to a little old lady) Here, revered elder: accept this token of my admiration for your incredible endurance in this adventure called Life.

Little Old Lady: That’s a pay-it-forward dollar, isn’t it?

Younger Figure: No-o….

Little Old Lady: I’m too old for that garbage – find some other sap to take that thing on!

And so I wander the Earth, cursed with the burden of a good deed I can never repay, doomed to seek out a recipient for this terrible gift, given with the best of intentions but resulting in the most horrific of fates….

            The children stared in rapture at the storyteller.

           “So,” Wizened Figure’s focus returned from inward to outward, “was that scary enough for this joyous holiday season?”  The children nodded in half-excitement, half-terror.  “Good.  On an unrelated note,” Wizened Figure said while reaching into a pants pocket, “seeing as you all have been such good listeners, I have a brand-new, fresh-off-the-mint, nice-smelling dollar bill for one lucky youngster here – ” looks up after pulling out the bill to see the rug is now empty of children, “aaaaand they all left.”

           An adult cousin who had been standing in a nearby corner the whole time sauntered over.  “No worries – I’ll take that thing off your hands, if you like.”

         Wizened Figure’s eyes began tearing.  “Really?  You mean you would… free me from this curse, at long last?”

           “Sure.  Spirit of the season, right?”  The adult cousin held out a hand.

          Wizened Figure reverently placed the dollar bill onto the outstretched palm.  “Oh bless you, bless you, bless you for your sacrifice!”

           The cousin shoved the bill into a jeans pocket.  “No biggie: I don’t believe in pay-it-forward, so this all means nothing to me.  Even a dollar pretty much means nothing to me, but hey, money’s money.”

            Wizened Figure’s jaw dropped open.  “But – but – but – the curse!”

            “Also means nothing to me.  Guess that’s a perk of being a jerk, who knew?”