Story 496: Taking a Toll

(In the middle of parkway traffic)

Friend 1: (Crawling along with the rest of the cars and singing along with the wrong lyrics on the radio) <You thrill up my clean-ses/Go thrill me agaaaaain!/Moo-moo-moo-moo-moo-mooooo-mooooo – > (Is interrupted by the cell phone ringing; turns off the radio and answers the call on speaker) Yellll-oh?

Friend 2: (Calling from a living room, surrounded by relatives and appetizers) Hey, just checking – did you make it to your parents’ house all right for Father’s Day?

Friend 1: (Brightly) I did not, so I’m heading there as we speak!

Friend 2: What?  Why didn’t you go there last night like you said you were?  If you’re on the parkway now, you’re going to get there in time to turn around and go home!

Friend 1: Well… life interfered and determined that I leave today instead of yesterday, so I yielded to the whims of fate.

Friend 2: You forgot you were supposed to leave last night instead of this afternoon.

Friend 1: …Yes.  I assume you did not.  Forget, I mean.

Friend 2: Are you kidding?  Whenever there’s a Sunday holiday I always get to my parents’ house by Thursday the latest.  Does a number on my days off from work, but well worth it.

Friend 1: (As the road begins to curve) Ah, hold that thought: toll booth coming up, and I never start out in the right lane since they always literally throw in a curve!

Friend 2: So, you finally break down and get Quick Ticket yet?

Friend 1: Why? This is one of the few times of the year I’m on the parkway; why should yet another company have my credit card on file, especially for something I rarely use?  Who do they think they are, The Gym?!

Friend 2: I think toll rates were raised again so you’d better have enough change, then.

Friend 1: Nonsense: I’m not the only old-school driver out here who’ll have larger bills needing breaking – gotta support the few toll attendants left, am-I-right?

Friend 2: It’s just that the amounts are a bit different now –

Friend 1: (Pulls up to a cash toll booth) Noted!  (To Toll Attendant 1) Greetings, fellow worker; this should justify your position to those out-of-touch corporate honchos for another day.  (Holds out a $20 bill)

Toll Attendant 1: (Softly sighs) That’s the 80^th 20 I’ve gotten today – do you happen to have exact change, or at least the coins, please?

Friend 1: Huh?  (Toll Attendant 1 points to a sign listing the toll amount) Three dollars AND 15 CENTS?!

Toll Attendant 1: I curse the day that amount was assigned to this plaza.

Friend 1: So do I!  (Rummages through wallet) How in the blazes did they decide on 15 CENTS?!

Toll Attendant 1: I suppose I should be thankful that the total ends in a five instead of any number other than zero – but I’m not.

Friend 1: I’ll say.  (Horns from the cars in line start blaring as Friend 1 hands over two $1 bills, several quarters, and a dime)

Toll Attendant 1: (Counts through the spread) Still need a nickel, please.               

Friend 1: Oh, sorry, thought it worked out with the quarters.  (Counts out five pennies and starts handing them over) Good thing you all still take pennies – whoops!  (Drops three pennies onto the road in mid-transfer)

Toll Attendant 1: Oy.

Friend 1: (Unbuckles seatbelt, opens the car door, and starts picking up the coins; as the car horns blare louder and longer, Friend 1 hands over the pennies and turns to face the honking cars) BABIES!

Toll Attendant 1: (Enters change into the register) Thank you – have a nice day, what’s left of it.

Friend 1: (Re-enters the car and rebuckles the belt) You as well; I don’t know how you stand it.

Toll Attendant 1: I don’t either.

(Friend 1 advances 30 feet before having to slow down to 4 mph again)

Friend 2: (Having moved on to the den, still a voice from the phone on the passenger seat) So, that sounded exciting.

Friend 1: (Jumps slightly in seat) Jumpin’ jacks, I forgot you were there.

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s very entertaining from this end.  Still convinced not to get Quick Ticket?

Friend 1: Yes – this was a one-time incident never to be repeated, either to myself or to anyone else in the vicinity.

Friend 2: Don’t you usually have at least two tolls and also one on the exit?

Friend 1: Maybeeee….

Friend 2: Plus the ones on the way back?

Friend 1: Just one toll on the way back.  And the parkway entrance.

Friend 2: Want me to stay on the line for moral support?

Friend 1: Please.  (At toll #2, Friend 1 inches forward to a stop and then holds out a $20 bill to Toll Attendant 2) Greetings, fellow –

Toll Attendant 2: Toll changed to $2.72.

Friend 1: (Mouth drops open) What happened to nice round numbers?

Toll Attendant 2: That was the north toll plaza.  You’re in the central toll plaza now.

Friend 1: I get it…. (Rummages through wallet) I seem to no longer have pennies.  Or quarters.  Or dimes.  Or nickels.  Or –

Toll Attendant 2: You have $3?

Friend 1: (Rummages through wallet, then looks up) No.

Toll Attendant 2: (As horns from the cars in line start blaring) $5?

Friend 1: (Rummages some more) I have $10.

Toll Attendant 2: Sold.  (Friend 1 hands over the bill and Toll Attendant 2 hands back the difference) Congratulations – you received the last of my change.  The next car is gonna hate you.

Friend 1: Don’t you get your register replenished or emptied out or turned over or something?

Toll Attendant 2: Hey, we’re lucky we get a paycheck.

Friend 1: Well, thanks anyway; have a great day!  (Slowly pulls away while giving a thumbs-up to the honking driver behind)

Toll Attendant 2: You too – I certainly won’t.

(Friend 1 begins crawling on the parkway again)

Friend 2: (Now sitting in an outdoor patio) Next toll booth’ll probably be exact change, since it’s an exit and those refuse to be staffed just to spite everyone.

Friend 1: (Gripping the steering wheel) I know….

(Forty-five minutes later, Friend 1 exits the parkway and approaches the toll booths)

Friend 1: I’m telling you, Dad owes me for the ordeal I’m undertaking on his behalf!

Friend 2: Don’t you owe him literally your entire existence?

Friend 1: That goes without saying.  (Peers up ahead) Well, whaddya know!  There’s actually an attendant here.

Friend 2: Really? That’s odd; usually those booths are just 50-or-75¢.

Friend 1: Who cares: someone’s getting my $20 today.  (Pulls up to the booth and holds out a $20 bill) Greet –

Toll Attendant 3: Toll’s now one dollar and a ha’penny.

Friend 1: …Excuse me a moment.  (Turns back to the passenger seat and picks up the phone) I’m hanging up now so your eardrums are spared the screams of my anguish.

Friend 2: Sure – when you’re done there, wish your dad “Happy Father’s Day” for me, yeah?

Friend 1: Likewise – at least some of us’ll be having a good day.

Story 244: Which Roads Did You Take to Get Here?

            (Setting: New Jersey)

            Guest 1: (Sits down in a rush, speaking low) Hey.

            Guest 2: (Sitting nearby, also speaking low) Oh hey, how are you?

            Guest 1: (Takes off coat) Got stuck in traffic; didn’t mean to get here so late.

          Guest 2: That’s all right, there’s no set time to show up at these things.  (After Guest 1 is settled) Which roads did you take to get here?

            Guest 1: Oh, mainly Parkway South.

            Guest 2: (Nearly chokes) What on Earth would you do a thing like that for?!

            Guest 1: It’s the most direct way, the exit’s right over here, what was I supposed to take?

           Guest 2: Anything other than that!  Parkway South, on a Friday afternoon, in the summer, is commuter suicide, and you deliberately chose it when there are literally a dozen other routes to get here that a resident like you should know by now.  I should make you turn in your “Local” card.

            Guest 1: Ha, ha; how’d you get here then, if you’re so backroads-savvy?

           Guest 2: (Starts gesticulating to demonstrate) Well, I’m right off of Route 34, which is a gift from Heaven this time of year, so I took 34 South all the way to Route 138, then over to Route 35, cut across to Route 71, took that until it intersected with this street, then took the roundabout to the cross street so I could park five blocks away from here and get right on the highway later.  Easy peasy!

            Guest 1: Sounds unnecessarily convoluted.  I just took Parkway South and got off right over here.

            Guest 2: Yeah, and paid for it dearly, and I don’t just mean tolls.  How long did it take you to crawl the 20 miles down here with the rest of the Shore Traffic?

            Guest 1: …Two hours.

            Guest 2: Ha!  Forty-five minutes.

            Guest 1: It wasn’t just the traffic, OK?  There was an accident everyone had to stop and stare at!

            Guest 2: Wouldn’t have gotten that on Route 34.

            Guest 1: No, they probably would have closed off the entire road and you’d’ve had to detour 10 miles around it!

            Guest 2: Still would’ve been faster than the Parkway.

            Guest 3: (Sits next to Guest 2, holding a cup of water.  To Guest 1) Hi, how’ve you been?

            Guest 1: Oh fine, just arguing about which roads are worse this time of year.

            Guest 3: Oh yeah?

            Guest 2: I’ve been explaining the folly of taking Parkway South to get here.

            Guest 3: Parkway South?  In the summer?

            Guest 2: (To Guest 1) See.

            Guest 1: It was the most direct way here!  Stop judging me!

            Guest 3: Sorry, but sometimes the fastest distance between two points is not a straight line.

            Guest 2: It’s actually “the shortest distance between two points.”

            Guest 3: (Hisses) That’s the same thing I just said!

            Guest 2: Actually –

          Guest 3: Forget it; bottom line, don’t take Parkway South this time of year at all unless it’s between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m., and even then build in an extra hour just in case there’s a jackknifed tractor trailer or something.

            Guest 1: But Parkway South is the most direct!

          Guest 4: (Sitting in the row in front of them, just now turning around) I never take the Parkway in the summer.

            Guest 2: Thank you.

            Guest 1: So what do you take when you have to go a long distance south?

            Guest 4: Route 9.  (The other three stare in horror) It takes you all the way to Parkway Exit 0, and with none of the tolls.

            Guest 2: Route… 9????

            Guest 4: It’s not all bad.  Towards the end it’s actually quite lovely.

            Guest 2: Why would you willingly throw yourself into the disaster that is Route 9 all the way south, when you could just as easily take Route 34 to 35 to 70 to 539 –

            Guest 1: (To Guest 2) You know, I’m surprised you have any gas left in your car with all the circuitous routes you take in your life.

            Guest 2: I have a 10-minute daily commute and I refuse to be stuck in traffic ever again!

          Guest 4: I’ve accepted traffic as I’ve accepted taxes, but full disclosure: the only reason I happened upon Route 9 as a substitute parallel road is because I’m currently in toll payment jail.

           Guest 1: Well, stinks to be you, but I’m still taking the Parkway when it’s the most direct route.

            Guest 2: Why are you willfully ignoring the glory of bypassing that infernal morass by just taking Route 34?!

            Guest 1: Because 34 also has traffic and has four circles – who actually thought that circles instead of lights would be faster?!  And safer?!  The sudden lane-changing and non-yielding have nearly killed me every time!

            Guest 3: I prefer roundabouts myself.

            Guest 1: There are no words for you.

            Guest 5: (Approaches the group) Hi guys.

            Guests 1-4: Hey.

           Guest 5: They’re going to be wrapping up here soon, if you’d like to pay your respects one last time – ?

            Guest 1: Oh, right!  (Rushes to kneel in front of the casket)

            Guest 4: I should head over there, too – I forgot to drop off the card. (Follows Guest 1)

            (Guest 2 and Guest 3 sit in silence for a few moments)

            Guest 2: You know, Grandpa would’ve agreed with me about Route 34.

           Guest 3: I think he would’ve agreed with me in telling you to quit while you’re ahead.