(In a large meeting room, tables and chairs are arranged so that lanyard-wearing attendees are facing a podium with a large sign overhead that reads “101st Annual Office Workers’ Conference”. One of the attendees finishes setting up the audiovisual system with a venue employee and then grabs a microphone to address the room)
Attendee 1: (Cheerily) Goooood morning, everyone; we’re going to get started – I know most of you came here with the sunrise from all over the state, so I see you have your coffee and tea all set to go! (Nearly every attendee raises a cup to salute Attendee 1; one attendee pours the cup’s contents into an IV bag and starts the drip; another without a liquid stimulant stares balefully at Attendee 1; another’s head jerks up, awake) Our first speaker today is going to get the ball rolling with an inspirational talk that’ll get us ready to face the rest of the sessions for the next – (Glances at a schedule for the day) 10 hours. Oh wow, I didn’t realize it was that long when we scheduled these…. Anyway! Our first speaker gives talks around the world inspiring everyone to do anything; has written 76 bestsellers motivating readers to get off the couch and do something; and is currently working on a fifth Ph.D. in the science of personal fulfillment; please welcome, legally name-changed Dr. Do-It-Now!
Dr. Do-It-Now: (Runs up to the front of the room in a blur of confetti, waving wildly at the attendees’ polite muted applause) Hey-hey-hey, folks, it’s great to be here with all you fine people today! Now, this is going to be an interactive session, so I’m going to be asking you questions; we’re going to have breakout groups; and I’m going to need some volunteers to recount deeply personal experiences in front of their associates here; sound like fun?! (Everyone else stares back)
Attendee 2: C’mon, pal, it’s 8:00 in the morning and we’ve been up since 3! (Trails off into a sob while collapsing onto crossed arms on the table)
Attendee 3: (Sitting next to Attendee 2, pats the latter’s shoulder while looking elsewhere; mutters) There, there – get a grip.
Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course, we all hesitate when faced with something new, right? Because New = Unknown = Uncomfortable! Well, I’m here to get you out of your comfort zone and plunge headfirst into the infinity pool that is Life! Now, everyone, stand up! (No one moves) Don’t be shy – that never gets anyone anywhere! (Attendee 1 stands and gestures frantically for everyone else to do the same; the others stagger up, with Attendee 3 pulling up a sniffling Attendee 2) Perfect! First, we’re going to do some deep breathing exercises….
20 MINUTES LATER
(Dr. Do-It-Now and Attendees 4, 5, and 6 are sitting cross-legged in a circle on the podium, holding hands with each other)
Dr. Do-It-Now: Now, don’t you all feel cleansed and rejuvenated after reliving your childhood traumas for your colleagues to hear, hm?
Attendee 4: (Weeping) This has done more for me in minutes than therapy has done for me in years!
Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course it has. (To all three) You can go back to your seats now. (Stands as the three go back to their seats; to the other attendees) Let’s give them a big round of applause for being our first victims – ha ha, I mean volunteers! (Everyone applauds) At this time, I want you all to take the notepads and pens that our hotel hosts generously left here for “free” so you can remember them forever, and start writing down any words you can think of to describe your life as you perceive it now, in one column, and how you want your life to be in a second column, and then in a third column describe how you think others perceive your life, and then in a fourth column how you’d want others to perceive your life, and then in a fifth column any words that appear more than once across the other columns – you have five minutes. (No one moves) Go-go-go! (Attendee 2 raises a hand as everyone else starts writing) Yes?
Attendee 2: Is this school? (Is glared at by Attendee 3)
Dr. Do-It-Now: AHAHAHAHA – you have four-and-a-half-minutes.
10 MINUTES LATER
Attendee 7: (Standing while reading from the notepad) …and it seems I entered the words “rich,” “lonely,” and “obsessed” a lot; not sure if that means anything.
Dr. Do-It-Now: (Eyes wide with shock, then snaps out of it) That’s wonderful: let’s all give a round of applause for sharing your most private self with us, yay! (Everyone applauds as Attendee 7 sits, smiling and blushing) Who else would like to share with us? (Attendee 2 raises a hand again; Attendee 3 looks puzzled) Go right ahead!
Attendee 2: (Stands, clears throat, and turns the notepad around to show that all five columns are blank)
Dr. Do-It-Now: OK! (Attendee 3 yanks Attendee 2 back down onto the chair and snatches away the notepad and pen) Anyone else? (Attendee 1 stands, flashes both hands wide and then one hand while mouthing “15”) Oops, that’s my signal I have 15 minutes left, so I’m going to jump ahead to the Q&A session. But! This is not a typical Q&A session, oh no-no-no: instead of asking me about my life, career, goals, and secret sauce, I am going to ask you all about where you want to be in your lives, and whether that where is here. (Grabs an empty chair, plops it down in front of Attendee 8, sits leaning forward, and stares deeply into the latter’s eyes) Now: tell me everything.
Attendee 8: (Compelled, leans forward to mirror Dr. Do-It-Now) Well, it all started when I started slacking off in 11th grade….
15 MINUTES LATER
(The entire room is standing)
Dr. Do-It-Now: I really need you to scream it back at me this time, folks: I AM WORTHY!
Attendees: I AM WORTHY!
Dr. Do-It-Now: I DESERVE HAPPINESS!
Attendees: I DESERVE HAPPINESS!
Dr. Do-It-Now: I WILL NOT LET LIFE GET ME DOWN!
Attendees: I WILL NOT –
Venue Employee: (At the door) Excuse me?
Dr. Do-It-Now: Hello, yes – what’s up?
Venue Employee: Sorry to interrupt, but the guests on the casino floor asked if you all could keep it down a bit in here, please?
Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course! Please extend my apologies, and wish them all “good luck” for me!
Venue Employee: Thanks, but “luck” isn’t on the company payroll. (Leaves)
Dr. Do-It-Now: (Whispering) OK, last one.
All: (Whispering) I WILL NOT LET LIFE GET ME DOWN!
Dr. Do-It-Now: (Regular volume) Perfect! You can sit back down now. (Everyone else sits as Attendee 1 waves at Dr. Do-It-Now and gestures to another speaker standing by a back door) Well, I see that our time today is up, and your next speaker is on deck – I want to thank you all for the opportunity to change your lives today, and also invite you to visit my Web site listed on your conference materials so you can download copies of those goal journals I discussed earlier; remember to fill them out every day or else they won’t work!
Attendee 2: Homework?! Arrrrggghhhh!!!! (Collapses onto arms sobbing again)
Attendee 3: (Rolls eyes and shakes head) Never come with me again to one of these things.
Dr. Do-It-Now: So! That’s all I’ve got for you today – have a great rest-of-your-conference, folks, and remember to live all of your life to the max! (Waves wildly at everyone while running out of the room in a blur of confetti; the attendees applaud enthusiastically)
Attendee 1: (Moves to the front of the room with the microphone again) Well, that certainly did the trick for me! I am now pumped up to face the rest of today, how about you? (The other attendees cheer) Great! `Cause here is our next speaker, who teaches at three universities and two high schools, talking to us today about “Budgeting on a Budget,” please welcome, The Professor!
The Professor: (Walks warily to the lectern on the podium to polite muted applause as a slideshow appears on large screens; looks around the room and gestures at the stream of confetti that leads to the door where Dr. Do-It-Now had exited) Now how am I supposed to follow that?!
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