(In a church’s closed confessional booth, Priest and Parishioner 1 are kneeling on opposite sides of a screen)
Priest: – say five Our Fathers and two Hail Marys, and do one charitable work.
Parishioner 1: (Crosses self) Oh good; thank you, Father. (Starts to stand)
Priest: (Holds up a finger) Ah: one charitable work you haven’t already done this past Advent, or were planning in advance for Lent.
Parishioner 1: Shucks – I mean, understood.
Priest: (Lowers hand and nods) Off you go, then.
Parishioner 1: (Stands again) Thanks again, Father – see you at Mass in a bit.
Priest: See you in a bit. (Parishioner 1 leaves the booth, closing the door on the way out; Priest takes out a cell phone, checks a display, and shakes head) <Tsk> 50-to-0; bless their hearts. (Puts the phone away, then frowns slightly on hearing the sound of raised voices outside the booth; the door suddenly flies open and Priest sees Penitent standing there with several angry parishioners standing some distance behind)
Penitent: Excuse me, Father, but can I give confession and get absolution and everything even though I’m not a parishioner here?
Priest: …Are you Catholic?
Penitent: (Thinks for half a second) Yeah.
Priest: (Gestures for Penitent to come into the booth) Then I’ll hear your confession and grant absolution.
Penitent: Great! (Closes the door on the grumbling crowd and kneels) Figured “New Year, New Me” and all that, right?
Priest: Hm. (Makes the sign of the cross for Penitent) In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit –
Penitent: (Crosses self) Oh yeah, I remember this part: bless me, Father, for I have sinned; it’s been more than 30 years since my first confession – (Pulls out a sheaf of paper from an inner jacket pocket) so I’ve got quite a list –
Priest: Hold on: you don’t need to confess every sin you’ve committed in the past 30 years.
Penitent: I don’t?
Priest: There’s a line of people waiting after you and about – (Briefly checks a wristwatch) 20 minutes before I have to prepare for Mass, so just… consolidate by topic.
Penitent: (Nods) Got it. (Starts skimming through the papers) OK, here’s a recurring theme: (Looks back up at Priest) I lie, a lot. And I mean, a lot: I almost wanted to lie to you just now and say I only do it occasionally, it’s that bad.
Priest: (Nods) Mm-hm.
Penitent: (Grabs onto the holes in the screen) It’s a real compulsion, and it’s ruining my life – you gotta help me, Father, how do I stop myself?!
Priest: This is only confession, my child; if you need spiritual guidance, please call the main office to make an appointment and I’ll be happy to speak with you all about it another time.
Penitent: (Lets go of the screen) Never mind. (Flips through the papers) OK… (Looks back up at Priest) I cheated on my taxes and other stuff I owed for decades and told people I was making a stand against big government, but deep down I was just being cheap.
Priest: (Nods) Uh-huh – not to judge, but I have to warn you that that may catch up with you one day. Legally speaking.
Penitent: Whaddya mean?
Priest: I mean, you may get audited and have to pay fines and back taxes, and maybe even serve time in prison.
Penitent: Oh! That reminds me – (Flips through a few more sheets, runs a finger down the page, stops at a paragraph and looks back up at Priest) burglary.
Priest: You’ve committed it?
Penitent: Yeah.
Priest: Have you made restitution?
Penitent: Huh? Oh, well, not directly; I served seven years in the state pen for it, does that count?
Priest: (Sighs quietly) It will have to in this case.
Penitent: That brings me to another thing: while I was inside the priest there kept wanting to hear my confession for it, but my whole defense was based on me saying I didn’t do it, which clearly didn’t work, but if I then confessed saying I did do it then it’d’ve felt like the whole thing was pointless, but now I’m wondering if not confessing was really just doubling down on the sin?
Priest: (Thinks for a few moments) Well, you’re confessing it now, so we’ll leave it at that, then.
Penitent: Awesome! `Cause I might have to do it again, so if I get caught again I wanted to make sure I should just confess all from the get-go.
Priest: My child, instead please resolve not to break the law for your own gain going forward.
Penitent: Oh, it’s not for me: a buddy of mine really wants to get back at this other dude for –
Priest: (Holds up both hands) Please don’t tell me any more details of your life of crime!
Penitent: (Nods knowingly) Plausible deniability – I get it.
Priest: (Lowers hands and shakes head) No: everything you say here is confidential under the seal of confession, but I don’t want – I don’t need to be told every single detail to grant you absolution, understood? And please stop committing felonies and misdemeanors.
Penitent: I dunno, Father, how’m I supposed to do that?
Priest: It’s amazingly easy not to do something – it requires literally no effort on your part.
Penitent: (Nods while thinking) You know, you might have something there. (Flips through more pages as Priest wearily shakes head) Here’s a recent one that’s a real pickle: some frenemy asked me to adopt a cat from the local shelter, but I don’t have supplies and I didn’t really want to take all that on, so I didn’t.
Priest: That’s… not a sin.
Penitent: Really? Why not?
Priest: You admittedly wouldn’t have been able to take care of the cat, so instead the creature will go to a loving home with people who actually “want to take all that on”.
Penitent: (Scoffs) I doubt it – I was told this cat’s pretty much unadoptable and I was asked as a last resort, so I don’t think that fur baby’s going anywhere good, if you know what I mean.
Priest: (Rubs temples and quietly recites) “Jesus loves me, this I know – ”
Penitent: (Leans closer to the screen) What’s that, Father?
Priest: (Drops hands and looks back at Penitent) Listen, I think you’ve confessed enough for one day –
Penitent: (Holds up the sheaf) But Father, I’m just getting started!
Priest: We’re running out of time, and as I’ve mentioned there are others waiting after you, so let’s wrap this up with the basics: have you committed acts of gluttony?
Penitent: (Tilts head to think) Sometimes. Really just on Thanksgiving, but don’t we all?
Priest: (Grinds teeth) Envy?
Penitent: Eh.
Priest: Wrath?
Penitent: (Eyes flare) Yeah!
Priest: Lust?
Penitent: (Eyes leer) Oh, yeah!
Priest: Pride?
Penitent: (Smiles smugly) I can say, with all humility, no. (Priest stares at Penitent, who looks down and mumbles) Maybe a little.
Priest: Sloth?
Penitent: (Looks back up) Hey, so what if I like to sleep in every now and then? Science backs me up: it’s medically necessary!
Priest: Greed?
Penitent: Is it greedy to take more than my share because other people in my opinion have too much?
Priest: Yes.
Penitent: Then yes. But I really think I should get more time to cover the decades I skipped –
Priest: No! You’re done here taking up everyone’s time, including mine! (Quickly makes the sign of the cross for Penitent, who automatically crosses self in response) I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit – great, now I’m doing this all backwards, I forgot to give you your penance first!
Penitent: Oh that’s all right, Father, I won’t tell anyone if you skip that part. (Winks broadly)
Priest: Nothing doing! Your penance is to say 50 Our Fathers and 50 Hail Marys, and do 30 charitable works, including finding that poor cat a forever home if it’s not too late!
Penitent: (Stands suddenly) Whoa, Father, that’s all a bit harsh, don’t you think?!
Priest: On the contrary, I don’t think it’s harsh enough! Just be thankful I didn’t thrown in reciting 50 rosaries on top of it!
Penitent: (Shoves papers back into the jacket pocket and sighs heavily) Fine, I’ll do what you say, long as it means I’m now all clear to go and sin some more.
Priest: It’s “go and sin no more”!
Penitent: Really? Well that’s just an unreasonable expectation. (Opens the door, sees the angry crowd, and turns back around) Ooh, I forgot to add: I cut the line so I could go next; is that a sin, too?
Priest: (Glares at Penitent) Yes, but since you finished confessing and I already granted absolution, you’ll have to save that one for next time.
Penitent: “Next time”?! You mean I have to keep coming back?! What kind of racket is this??!! (Meanwhile, Parishioner 2 has gone around Penitent to enter the booth and slams the door shut; Penitent’s voice is now muffled) I’m suing the Vatican!
Parishioner 2: (Smiles at Priest, kneels, and crosses self as Priest makes the sign of the cross) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned – it’s been one week since my last confession, and my first sin is the many, many uncharitable thoughts I’ve had towards that fellow penitent who left just now.
Priest: (Sighs) That will be my sin to confess as well, my child.
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