Story 380: Defeated by a Domino Effect Day

 (At an office, Coworker 2 flips through a pile of papers at a desk, winces when getting a paper cut, and stares at the finger in fascination)

Coworker 2: I will never get over how something so soft can cut like a knife.  Probably revenge of the trees.

(Coworker 1 enters the office in a tizzy, carrying several bags and looking like a hot mess)

Coworker 1: (Throws the bags onto the floor at the desk next to Coworker 2) Yes, I know I’m late, I know I’m supposed to be on that conference call, stop judging me with your silence.  (Starts changing from boots to shoes)

Coworker 2: (Putting on a bandage) Hm?  I’m too busy bleeding over here to care about you right now.

Coworker 1: (Sits at the desk and logs onto the computer) Good, `cause it’s not even 8:00 yet and I’m already having a day.

Coworker 2: You too?  Mine’s been a peach.

Coworker 1: Yeah, well, the heat in my apartment’s still broken, and I have damp clothes on because the clothes dryer’s also still broken, and I got stuck in the permanent traffic jam on the way here, and just now I fell in the icy parking lot and somebody saw it!

Coworker 2: Oh no, you fell?!  Are you hurt?

Coworker 1: Nah, that’s all fine, but it’s so embarrassing!

Coworker 2: Never mind.

Coworker 1: (Starts dialing on the desk phone) Ssh now, I have to call in for this.  (Navigates the prompts, then places the phone on speaker)

Voice: – not that anyone cares, but this metric went up 0.5% last quarter, so, yay.  Now let’s hear from the fourth floor and whatever’s going on there.

Coworker 1: (Hits a few buttons on the phone) Hi, it’s the fourth floor: we had a slight setback this year in, you know, everything –

Voice: Fourth floor, you there?

Coworker 1: (Hits the same buttons on the phone) Hi, can you hear me?

Voice: Guess we’ll have to skip them forever and move on to my favorite part: budget cuts.

Coworker 1: (Slamming fists onto the phone) I’m right here!  Why does no one hear me?!

Voice: You’ll be happy to learn that the first cut is my position, so, yay.  Bye.  (Call ends)

Coworker 1: (Rips the phone off the desk and throws it at the wall) Why didn’t anyone hear me??!!

Coworker 2: I certainly did – I think you might’ve hit the wrong button when trying to unmute yourself, though.

Coworker 1: It knew what I meant!  Oh well: back to real work.  (Starts checking e-mail) Half of this is garbage cluttering up my time.  Wait, what’s this?  (Opens a message) And there goes the rest of my day.

Coworker 2: Why?

Coworker 1: I have 10 projects due today but now I have to drop everything to work on this new one, which is going to take at least all day and then I have to go to a meeting talking about it – why always the avalanche, why??  (A second desk phone rings – items on the desk go flying as Coworker 1 lunges to answer it) WHAT?!

Coworker 3: (Voice) Ooh, somebody’s a cranky pants.

Coworker 1: You think that’s cranky, listen to this!  (Rips the phone off the desk and throws it at the wall)

Coworker 2: You know, you’re gonna start running out of phones that way.

Coworker 1: Plenty more where they came from.  (A third desk phone rings) Speaking of – (Answers it) Make it quick!  (Listens, then only slams down the receiver) Telemarketer.

Coworker 2: Well this day’s certainly not going to be annoying.

 HOURS LATER

 Coworker 1: (Occasionally swerves chair into the pile of phones against the wall while muttering at the computer screen) It’s not fair – I started this thing so early – why won’t people just leave me alone to finish something –

Coworker 2: (All packed up to leave for the day) You know, we get written up if we clock out late, right?

Coworker 1: (Without looking away from the screen) If everyone stopped talking to me then that wouldn’t be an issue!  (Sees a new e-mail) Aaaaaaand now I have homework.

Coworker 2: Tough luck.  I’m leaving now so you don’t taint me with it.  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (Continues to stare at the screen, eyes glazing over) If only the heat in my apartment was working this morning, none of this would’ve happened….

Story 379: There’s No Time to Rest in the Land of Adventureland!

 (Written after rewatching and rereading The Chronicles of Narnia series)

 (Two random children suddenly appear in a magical world that looks exactly like Fantasy Medieval Europe)

Child 1: (Looks around in wonder at being deposited in the middle of a field that could be in the middle of anywhere with temperate climate during spring, except the grass is blue and the insects are huge) Oh me oh my, where on Earth are we and how on Earth did we get here?

Child 2: I dunno; I was on my way to math class when POOF!  Transported.

Child 1: Well, I distinctly remember just seconds ago wishing that I was far, far away from boring old school, and that something would take me to a MAGICAL LAND full of WONDERFUL ADVENTURES and not-too-dangerous dangers, and here I am!  At last, my life can truly begin!

Child 2: That’s great – so what am I doing here?

Child 1: Clearly, I’ll need someone to talk to during my coming-of-age quest, now shan’t I?  And I think you were walking right next to me when this happened.

Child 2: Oh bother.

(A flying Unicorn suddenly lands in front of them)

Child 1 and 2: Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!

Unicorn: Be not afraid, dear children, for I am here to take you to the beginning of your transformative journey!

Child 1: How wonderful!

Child 2: Half a second: skipping past the flying talking animal bit that I normally would be freaking out about, how do you know who we are, that we’d be here at this exact moment, and what specific journey you’re supposed to take us on?

Unicorn: Why, The Prophecy, of course.

Child 2: Oh, a thousand pardons, of course – I always forget about those super-specific prophecies.

Child 1: Never mind all that; let’s roll!  (Hops onto the Unicorn’s back) Away!

Child 2: I already have a headache.  (Also hops onto the Unicorn’s back and they all fly into a mass of psychedelic colors)

Background Chorus: <Your journey’s just begun

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

Fighting’s all for fun

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

There’s no time to eat

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

There’s no time to sleep

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!>

Child 2: Huh?

(The Unicorn slams back down to the ground in front of a giant castle; Child 1 and Child 2 fall off as the drawbridge lowers and an entire Army marches out)

King: (The only one on a horse; stops next to Child 1 and Child 2 as they struggle to stand) Ah, children!  Just in time: we’re off to The War now.

Child 1: Yay!

Child 2: Excuse me, “War”?

King: Why yes, that’s why you’ve both been summoned here from whatever backwards realm you crawled out of.  (Draws his sword and points it toward a distant mountain range, most of which is covered in snow and flames) There lies our enemy.  We’ve been glaring evilly at each other for over 200 generations, but now that you two have finally arrived as The Prophecy had foretold, victory at last will be ours.  That is why we saved our first and final assault for today.

Army: (Shaking swords in the air) Hurrah!

Child 2: Well, both sets of your people’ve lasted for 200 generations without any real damage; why not just leave them there and you stay here?

King: (Blinks at Child 2, then points his sword farther toward the mountain range) To War!

Army: To War!

Child 1: Yessssss!!!

Child 2: Ugh.

(The marching resumes)

Child 2: Maybe the two of us can just meet you all there – (Turns to see the Unicorn had left ages ago) drat.

Child 1: The adventure continues!

Child 2: Whoopee.

(Child 1 and Child 2 join the march; there is little obvious progress as the hours tick by)

Background Chorus: <All roads lead to war

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

Fight or find gold, nothing more

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

No need to take a bath

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

Your clothes will stay intact

In the Land of ADVNT-URE-LAND!>

 HOURS (DAYS?) LATER

 (The march continues; the mountain range appears slightly closer; Child 1 and Child 2 are filthy)

Child 2: (Drooping) You know, by the time we actually get to wherever we’re going, we’ll be too weak to do much of anything and the other side’ll wipe us out or watch us collapse from the safety of their warm, cozy homes.

Child 1: What’re you talking about?  Don’t you finally feel so wonderfully alive?!

Army: Yaaaahhhh!!!!

Child 2: Never mind.

(An enchanted bird strolls nearby)

Bird: (Raises a wing in greeting) `Sup.

King: (Points his sword at the bird) Aha!  The Wise Bird of Wisdom!  All who eat of its brain shall possess the entire knowledge of the solar system!

Child 2: Could aim a little higher than that.

Child 1: Oh Mighty King, let us pursue this wondrous creature and split its brain 3,003 ways so that we all may possess its wisdom!

King: (Nods) Agreed.  (To the Army) Side Quest!  (Takes out an airhorn and lets out three blasts)

Army: Raahhhh!!!! (About-faces to pursue the bird)

Child 2: Can we at least camp here for the night, then?

King: “Camp”?  You speak so strangely, Other-Worlder.

Child 2: OK, how about what that crew over there’s doing?  (Points to a nearby campfire surrounded by four children, a prince around their age, fauns, dryads, minotaurs, centaurs, a variety of enlarged woodland creatures, and tables of food; all turn to the King, Child 1, Child 2, and the Army, and raise a tankard to them)

Other Fantasy Crew: Well met, good neighbors!  Join us in our feast and sing merry songs of glories lost!

King: Hm, tempting – but I have no idea why they’re all just sitting around when there’s marching to be done, so onward we go!

Child 2: But we haven’t eaten for so long!  Aren’t you hungry?!

King: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

(The bird takes flight)

Bird: Peace!

King: (Gazing in deep despair at the receding figure) Eternal knowledge, lost forever.  Ah well: back to the invasion.  (To the Army) Forward, harch!

(The marching resumes)

Child 1: Wasn’t that thrilling?!  I feel I gained some wisdom after all.

Child 2: I gained an appreciation for a hot meal and eight hours of sleep a night.

(They reach the base of the mountain range)

King: And now, good people: we climb!

Child 2: There’s no path?!

King: Of course not!  This obstacle in our noble mission of destruction is not meant to be easy!

Child 2: It’s not meant to be anything; it’s a mountain that’s always been here!  But you brought a whole army when there’s no footpath?!  How’re you supposed to get all your supplies and weapons up there?!  And what if half of you fall off before you reach the top?!

King: These trifles matter not – the goal is the journey!

Army: Hurrah!  (Weighed down by their armor and weapons, they begin to free solo climb)

Child 1: To the journey!  (Jumps up to a handhold and dangles from it)

Child 2: (Pulls Child 1 back down to the ground) Oh no you don’t – you can’t even climb up to the top of the rope in gym class.

Child 1: (Pouts) But the adventure!

Child 2: And this is the part where we have our obligatory falling out.  While you ponder your growth as a human being, I’m going to finally get some sleep.  (Lies down on some nearby rocks and closes eyes)

Unicorn: (Suddenly lands in front of them) Arise, my children, and I will aid you in your endeavor!

Child 1: (Claps hands) Hooray!

Child 2: (Opens eyes wide) Now you show up?!

Unicorn: We must not tarry: adventure awaits!  (Child 1 is scooped onto the Unicorn’s back)

Child 2: No, no, no, I just got to sleep – (Is scooped onto the Unicorn’s back and wails all the way up the mountain)

Background Chorus: <Tears are a nice touch

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!

Just don’t cry too much

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!

There’s still no time to sleep

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!

You’ll forget that thing called sleep

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!>

(The Unicorn lands at the top of the mountain, dumps Child 1 and Child 2 onto the ground, and flies away)

Unicorn: Farewell, children!  If you see me again, it’ll either be to transport you home or tragically sacrifice myself for your character development!

Child 1: (Running a bit after the flying figure) Wait!  What if we need you to fly us to another spot we don’t want to walk tooooooo?!

Child 2: (Still on the ground; to Child 1) I wish I never met you.

(Villagers run over to them and help Child 2 up off the ground)

Villager 1: Here now, children, are you all right?

Child 2: No, but thanks for your concern.

Child 1: Hey, aren’t you lot the ones the King’s Army’s making war on?

Villager 2: Ohhh, so that’s why all those people were marching this way and are now climbing up the mountain – we were wondering what was up.  (The other Villagers nod in agreement)

Child 2: Well, this is just great!  His Royal Nutjob down there is all set to gloriously slaughter everyone up here, and he didn’t even send you a memo about it!

Villager 3: His people are a rather touchy folk; that’s pretty much why we’ve kept to ourselves for over 200 generations.  (The other Villagers nod in agreement)

Child 1: (Having no sword to draw, instead raises a twig taken from the ground) Aha!  Here is our chance to prove our worth on this adventure!  Prepare to meet your end!  (Lunges towards the Villagers)

Child 2: (Trips Child 1, who lands in mud) Knock it off.  (To the Villagers) So, we have a little time before that bunch gets here: anyone have an unoccupied bed they wouldn’t mind lending out for my use from now until sometime tomorrow?

Villager 1: (Points to the edge of the cliff) Here they come!

Child 2: Blast.

(Everyone runs to the edge of the cliff to see King and several members of the Army reach the top)

King: (Without breaking stride, takes his sword from between his teeth and points it at the Villagers) We’re here!  Let The War begin!

Army: Yaaaayyyy!!!

Child 2: Just a second, Majesty: before you start shoving that blade into everyone in sight, I’d like to point out that you have the wrong mountain.  (The cheers stop)

King: Eh?

Child 2: The mountain: you climbed up the wrong one.  You should’ve climbed the one over there.  (Points to a peak several miles away)

King: The one with all the flames on it?

Child 2: The very same.

King: (Taps his sword against his teeth while staring at that part of the range, then shrugs) So be it: to the next mountain!

Army: Hurrah!

(King and the Army all climb or fall down the mountain as the Villagers cheer)

Child 1: (Stands, very muddy) Aw, what about our great battle against underwhelming odds?!  (Child 2 pushes Child 1 back into the mud as the Unicorn appears)

Unicorn: That’s my cue, children!  Time for me to take you back to where you started so you can return to your other-dimensional world!

Child 2: Great – wait, you mean we could’ve just stood there for a day and then gone back home anyway?!

Unicorn: Not without personal growth, you couldn’t!  (Child 1 and 2 are scooped onto the Unicorn’s back and they fly away as the Villagers cheer and wave)

Child 2: (Starts to lean forward and close eyes) Soooo, I’m just going to close my eyes for a few seconds here, and you can give me a nudge when we’ve gotten back –

Unicorn: Hold on, children!  There appears to be a fearsomely misunderstood dragon laying waste to an entire country right over there!

Child 1: Woo-hoo!  Let’s go slay the misunderstood dragon and take all its gold!

Unicorn: Not sure if there is any gold –

Child 1: It’d better have gold or else I’m slaying it again!

Child 2: (Sobbing as they flying off into the sunset) I wanna sleeeeep!!!!

Background Chorus: <There’s no time to rest

In THE LAND OF ADVEN-TURE-LAND!>

Villager 1: (To Villager 2) Who were those kids anyway?

Villager 2: Well, my first thought was they’re travelers from another world brought here for the trifold reason of saving our village, learning valuable life lessons along the way, and imparting that knowledge upon an unseen audience, but I’m an idiot so it’s really anyone’s guess.

Story 378: Just a Little Snow

 (Friend 1 rings Friend 2’s doorbell)

Friend 2: (Opens the front door in surprise) Heyyyy… what’re you doing here?

Friend 1: (Holds up bags filled with junk food) It’s our Super Bowl Party!

Friend 2: We don’t do that.

Friend 1: It’s our Valentine’s Day Junk Food Fest!

Friend 2: We don’t do that, either.

Friend 1: All right, I’m just bored.

Friend 2: I’d say “Come on in then” but we’re supposed to get about two feet of snow tonight – didn’t you hear the weather?

Friend 1: I did, and fail to see your point.

Friend 2: You might get stuck here if you stay too late.  Or at all, for that matter.

Friend 1: HA!  I was born of the North-Northeast America – I laugh in the face of feet of snow!  (Walks past Friend 2 and dives onto the couch)

 FOUR HOURS LATER

(While watching a movie and eating all the junk)

Friend 1: I’ve seen this thing a hundred times and I still always think that guy’ll live at the end.

Friend 2: That guy’s a serial killer!

Friend 1: There’s that one moment of possible redemption – the movie should end there, while I still have hope for happiness.

Friend 2: Where’s the fictional justice in that?  (Glances toward a window) Oh whoa, it’s really comin’ down.

Friend 1: Hm?  (Eats some more popcorn while looking at the window) Eh – no biggie.

Friend 2: You probably should get going; it’ll take forever to clean off your car even now and the roads’ll be terrible.

Friend 1: And miss the end of the movie?!

Friend 2: You already know how it ends!

Friend 1: And I want to see it again!  As for the rest of that – (Waves dismissively at the lint storm outside) I’ll take care of it tomorrow.

Friend 2: Oh, so you’re just inviting yourself to stay the night, is that it?

Friend 1: (Taps foot on what turns out to be an overnight bag) You won’t even know I’m here.

Friend 2: Says you.

 THE NEXT MORNING

 Friend 2: (Steps over Friend 1 in a sleeping bag on the living room floor in order to look out the window) Ooh, they barely plowed the street, and when I shovel the driveway that’s when they’ll come by and plow me in again, I just know it!

Friend 1: (Stirs noisily) Huh?  Shovel?

Friend 2: Yes, the things those of us who don’t have the luxury of a parking garage on a city street have to use.

Friend 1: (Stands and looks out the window) Pfft.  You don’t need to shovel that.

Friend 2: How else am I gonna get to work?

Friend 1: Call out?

Friend 2: Not at my job.

Friend 1: (Stares challengingly at the frozen field staring back) I’ll take care of it.

(Outside and so bundled they can barely move, Friend 1 burrows through the snow in the driveway to climb through the driver’s side door of the car parked behind Friend 2’s car)

Friend 1: (Shouting through the open window over the wind and snow resettling around the car) You see, you don’t even have to clean off your car – just turn it on and everything melts!  (Turns on the car to demonstrate)

Friend 2: Not fast enough!  There’s about three feet of snow all over!

Friend 1: It’s not a matter of degree, it’s a matter of technique.  You must WILL the car through the snow!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: Observe.  (Revs the engine a bit, floors the gas pedal, changes from Reverse to Drive several times to rock the car, then suddenly bursts backward through the snow in the driveway and out onto the street) See?  Piece of cake.  Want a ride to work?

Friend 2: (Staring with feet slowly freezing) Sure, why not.

(On the highway, Friend 1 tailgates a plow/sander truck)

Friend 2: You may want to back up a bit – and slow down a bit –

Friend 1: And let the snow immediately cover the roads again?!  Never!  (Turns a corner at high speed, fishtailing slightly)

Friend 2: (Holding onto the passenger side window) Easy there, partner!

Friend 1: If we slow down or – heavens forbid – stop, we’ll never be able to start again!  The wintry mix’ll have us!

Friend 2: I don’t want to wind up hugging a telephone pole or another car, either!

Friend 1: We won’t!  Not as long as we show no hesitation, show no fear!  (Shakes a fist while driving through a yellow traffic light as it turns red)

Friend 2: And what if that was red before we got there?

Friend 1: Then I’d’ve just kept coasting till it turned green again.  (Swerves into Friend 2’s parking lot at work)

Friend 2: You can drop me off over there, and please don’t hit any of my coworkers on your way out.                                              

Friend 1: Nonsense!  I’m skipping work today, so I’ll park here and explore the Magical Winter Wonderland all around us until your shift’s over.

Friend 2: Oh-kay, but there seem to be a lot of spots not really plowed out yet –

Friend 1: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!  (Slams the car onto a snowbank, managing to stay between the parking spot lines; shuts off the engine and unlocks the doors) Have a nice day at work, sweetie!

Friend 2: (Gingerly emerges from the car) Gee, thanks – hope your car’s still in one piece by the time I get back.

Friend 1: No faith whatsoever.

 EIGHT-AND-A-HALF HOURS LATER

 (Friend 2 returns to Friend 1’s car; the snow never stopped and the car has been buried again)

Friend 2: (Gingerly lands on the passenger seat) So, enjoy your romp?

Friend 1: Yeah, for a few minutes; the snow in my face got tiresome, so I came back here and napped for the rest of the day.  (Turns on the engine)

Friend 2: Well it looks like you got plowed in a bit so you might have to dig out your back tires.

Friend 1: Please.  (With squealing tires, reverses out of the spot by slamming through the snow)

Friend 2: (Holding onto the car ceiling) You sure this isn’t a tank?!

Friend 1: (Cackles wildly) You wish!  (Flies out of the parking lot and onto the snowy streets, with giant waves of dirty slush cascading on either side of the car all the way)

Friend 2: Wait a minute, what about the snow on the roof of this thing?

Friend 1: I told you, it all melts off!  My car is magic, I say!

Friend 2: Whatever – as long as it doesn’t fly off onto someone’s windshield.

(They plow, skid, swerve, and bounce the entire way back to Friend 2’s house and bump up onto the packed driveway)

Friend 2: (Falls out of the car onto a snow mattress; holds onto the car door to stand up again) Well, thanks for the lift, and be safe getting home, OK?

Friend 1: Do you know who you’re talking to?!  (After Friend 2 flings the door shut and backs away, Friend 1 throws the car into reverse, stalls, and then stares at the dashboard in horror) Ah!  This can’t be happening!

Friend 2: What, you finally got stuck in the snow?

Friend 1: No – I ran out of gas!

Story 377: You Make a Terrible Relative

 (At a toddler’s birthday party)

Parent: (Greeting Relative in the crowded living room) Thank you so much for coming!

Relative: Sure – listen, I don’t know what the kids are into nowadays so I got the little tyke one of those credit card gift cards they sell at the supermarket.  (Hands over a gift card that has a tiny bow stuck on it) Tell `em “Go to town.”

Parent: (Gingerly takes the card) Oh, thank you – he is only turning 3, and if you weren’t sure what to get you could always call or e-mail me, that’d’ve been fine.

Relative: Yeah, I didn’t think of that.  Guess there’s always next year, right?  (Looks around at family and friends scattered about or romping about the room and furniture) So what’s next; I never know what to do at these things.  Any entertainment stopping by later?

Parent: Please just eat something.

(At a holiday get-together in a house)

Cousin: Oh hi, it’s so nice to see you; how’ve you been?

Relative: Could be worse – you?

Cousin: I’m good.  Remember last time we were all together like this, what was it, somebody’s 90^th birthday party?

Relative: I’m gonna be honest with you: these get-togethers and the people in them are all a blur, so I never remember your name or how exactly we’re related.

Cousin: Oh.  Our parents are cousins so we have the same great-grandparents – I think that makes us first cousins once removed?  Or second cousins?  I never know the difference.

Relative: Sounds too distant for me to care; as long as you make me laugh and aren’t too judgy, we’re good.

Cousin: …OK, I’m going to help set the table for dinner – nice talking to you.  (Heads to the kitchen)

Relative: Same here.  (Spreads across a couch and snacks on crackers and cheese) I’m gonna stay out of the way of setting up or clearing up or cleaning up or any of that – wouldn’t want to presume in someone else’s house.  (Grabs the last napkin) Aaaaand I forgot how we’re related again already.

(At a wedding reception)

Relative: (Sitting with other haphazard family members) Hi.  (Nods in greeting at each person)  How many hours’re left in this thing?

Distant Cousin 1: Well, they just served the pasta and salad so we’ve got quite a bit to go yet.

Distant Cousin 2: You know, technically you can leave whenever you want, heh-heh-heh.

Relative: That is true.  (Fiddles with the flowers on the centerpiece) I already sat through the disappointingly long ceremony; you don’t think anyone’d notice me leaving if I got up and walked out right now?

Distant Cousin 3: I’d notice!

Relative: And what’s it to you?  You’re 5 years old and this is your first wedding – you haven’t experienced enough of the inane horrors of these things to have an opinion yet.  But you will.

Distant Cousin 1: At least stay for the main course, and the happy couple also’ll stop by later to thank us for coming so you should experience that.

Distant Cousin 2: Oh yeah, I see they’re bringing the fancy box with them so I’ll give our gift then.

Relative: What’re you talking about?

Distant Cousin 2: (Holds up an envelope) When they come over, I’ll just drop this in the box.

Relative: What, you got them another “Happy Wedding” card?

(The Distant Cousins stare at Relative)

Distant Cousin 1: It’s the wedding gift.

Relative: I sent them a bunch of wooden spoons ages ago, what more do they want?

Distant Cousin 2: You seriously didn’t bring anything tonight?

Relative: Unless you’ve got a washing machine in there I’m assuming you mean money, and in that case why should I?  I didn’t tell them to take on all this expense or start a blessed life together in unified debt!

Distant Cousin 3: You’re supposed to cover your plate.

Relative: That’s rubbish – they invited me!

Distant Cousin 1: They are family.

Relative: Yeah, family just means you think you can impose; tell them to write me out of the will and we’ll be even – ooh, prime rib’s here!  (Devours entrée and ignores the couple when they arrive)

(At home, Relative’s phone rings)

Relative: (Answers while reading a magazine) What’s up?

Mother: It’s your mother – what is this I hear you’re not going to your niece’s graduation?!

Relative: Oh, should I be?

Mother: Yes!  She’s your niece!

Relative: Just because one of my siblings decided to have a kid doesn’t make their goings-on any more meaningful to my life.

Mother: You –

Relative: Anyway, I thought it was optional, like “Hey, if you have nothing to do on a weekday and want to sit on uncomfortable bleachers in the baking sun for four hours,” that sort of thing.  I planned on cutting work and watching movies that day; it’s marked on my calendar.

Mother: You’d better be there and you’d better bring a gift this time!

Relative: Ugh, what is it with everyone and gifts?!  Besides, she just finished school, we’ve all done it, no big deal.

Mother: She’s getting her doctoral degree!

Relative: Oh.  Really?  Must’ve missed when she started that; good for her.

Mother: You really are clueless – and while we’re at it, would it kill you to visit your grandparents every once in a while?

Relative: …Do you mean literally?

Mother: I can’t believe you come from the same gene pool as the rest of us!  (Hangs up)

Relative: (Tosses away the phone while flipping through the magazine some more; mutters to self) Families sure are exhausting.