(At an office, Coworker 2 flips through a pile of papers at a desk, winces when getting a paper cut, and stares at the finger in fascination)
Coworker 2: I will never get over how something so soft can cut like a knife. Probably revenge of the trees.
(Coworker 1 enters the office in a tizzy, carrying several bags and looking like a hot mess)
Coworker 1: (Throws the bags onto the floor at the desk next to Coworker 2) Yes, I know I’m late, I know I’m supposed to be on that conference call, stop judging me with your silence. (Starts changing from boots to shoes)
Coworker 2: (Putting on a bandage) Hm? I’m too busy bleeding over here to care about you right now.
Coworker 1: (Sits at the desk and logs onto the computer) Good, `cause it’s not even 8:00 yet and I’m already having a day.
Coworker 2: You too? Mine’s been a peach.
Coworker 1: Yeah, well, the heat in my apartment’s still broken, and I have damp clothes on because the clothes dryer’s also still broken, and I got stuck in the permanent traffic jam on the way here, and just now I fell in the icy parking lot and somebody saw it!
Coworker 2: Oh no, you fell?! Are you hurt?
Coworker 1: Nah, that’s all fine, but it’s so embarrassing!
Coworker 2: Never mind.
Coworker 1: (Starts dialing on the desk phone) Ssh now, I have to call in for this. (Navigates the prompts, then places the phone on speaker)
Voice: – not that anyone cares, but this metric went up 0.5% last quarter, so, yay. Now let’s hear from the fourth floor and whatever’s going on there.
Coworker 1: (Hits a few buttons on the phone) Hi, it’s the fourth floor: we had a slight setback this year in, you know, everything –
Voice: Fourth floor, you there?
Coworker 1: (Hits the same buttons on the phone) Hi, can you hear me?
Voice: Guess we’ll have to skip them forever and move on to my favorite part: budget cuts.
Coworker 1: (Slamming fists onto the phone) I’m right here! Why does no one hear me?!
Voice: You’ll be happy to learn that the first cut is my position, so, yay. Bye. (Call ends)
Coworker 1: (Rips the phone off the desk and throws it at the wall) Why didn’t anyone hear me??!!
Coworker 2: I certainly did – I think you might’ve hit the wrong button when trying to unmute yourself, though.
Coworker 1: It knew what I meant! Oh well: back to real work. (Starts checking e-mail) Half of this is garbage cluttering up my time. Wait, what’s this? (Opens a message) And there goes the rest of my day.
Coworker 2: Why?
Coworker 1: I have 10 projects due today but now I have to drop everything to work on this new one, which is going to take at least all day and then I have to go to a meeting talking about it – why always the avalanche, why?? (A second desk phone rings – items on the desk go flying as Coworker 1 lunges to answer it) WHAT?!
Coworker 3: (Voice) Ooh, somebody’s a cranky pants.
Coworker 1: You think that’s cranky, listen to this! (Rips the phone off the desk and throws it at the wall)
Coworker 2: You know, you’re gonna start running out of phones that way.
Coworker 1: Plenty more where they came from. (A third desk phone rings) Speaking of – (Answers it) Make it quick! (Listens, then only slams down the receiver) Telemarketer.
Coworker 2: Well this day’s certainly not going to be annoying.
HOURS LATER
Coworker 1: (Occasionally swerves chair into the pile of phones against the wall while muttering at the computer screen) It’s not fair – I started this thing so early – why won’t people just leave me alone to finish something –
Coworker 2: (All packed up to leave for the day) You know, we get written up if we clock out late, right?
Coworker 1: (Without looking away from the screen) If everyone stopped talking to me then that wouldn’t be an issue! (Sees a new e-mail) Aaaaaaand now I have homework.
Coworker 2: Tough luck. I’m leaving now so you don’t taint me with it. (Leaves)
Coworker 1: (Continues to stare at the screen, eyes glazing over) If only the heat in my apartment was working this morning, none of this would’ve happened….
