Story 360: Moving Into a Haunted Money Pit

             (In a one-story house that has an attic and basement, Homeowner and Sibling stand in the living room surrounded by boxes)

            Homeowner: Whelp, that should be it for now; thanks for all your help with the move.

            Sibling: Sure, I had nothing else going on today – want me to help you unpack `em?

         Homeowner: Nah, can’t face that right now.  Just gonna open as needed.  (Rips open a box marked “KITCHEN SUPPLIES” and holds out a can) Beer?

          Sibling: I’m good.  (Homeowner shrugs, pops the tab, and drinks) So, I’m gonna hit the road now if you don’t need anything else.

            Homeowner: (Between gulps) Thought you had nothing else today?

            Sibling: Exactly: I’d like a nap.

            Homeowner: (Smacks lips and sighs) That sounds wonderful.

            (A loud groaning and creaking come from above; both look up sharply)

            Sibling: Whoa, what was that?

          Homeowner: …The inspector said I’d need to have the central air completely redone; thing’s falling apart.

            Sibling: I don’t think that was it – that sounded like, I dunno, an animal?  Or even – (Lowers voice to a whisper) a human being up there!  (The groans and creaks start again)

            Homeowner: (Looks at the ceiling for a few moments, then back at Sibling) Nah, probably just free air in the pipes.

            Sibling: What?!

            Homeowner: This place is a bit of a fixer-upper, unfortunately, heh-heh-heh.  (Sobs a bit while downing the rest of the beer, then tosses the can into a corner just as a loud BANG is heard overhead)

        Sibling: That’s it, I’m going up there!  Where’s the box with your knives?!  (Homeowner shrugs, reaches into the same open box, and hands over a table knife) That’s it?!  Where’re your carving knives?!

            Homeowner: Don’t have any; you know I don’t chef.

            Sibling: Fine – where’re your attic stairs?  And keep 911 on standby!

            Homeowner: Ugh, you’re being exhausting.  Guess no nap for you today.  (Leads Sibling to the hall closet, turns on a light, and opens the door to the attic stairs) Keep an eye out for the warped spots – there’s termite and water damage all through them, so they might collapse if you step in the wrong place.  (The groans and bangs get louder)

            Sibling: This whole place is gonna collapse in about a minute!  (Carefully runs up the stairs)

         Homeowner: Heh, you’re telling me.  (Starts drinking another beer while muttering to self) “You’d be a fool if you didn’t buy it this cheap,” they said; (BANG) “It’s just a few tweaks here and there, nothing that bad”; “Oh did we forget to mention the leaking roof?”; (BANG-BANG-BANG) “Oh, did we forget to tell you the entire kitchen floor needs to be replaced?”; (BANG-SHAKE) “Oh, did we neglect to disclose that the FOUNDATION IS CRACKED?!”  Caveat emptor, my foot.

            (Sibling runs back down the stairs)

            Sibling: Move out!  Move out now!

            Homeowner: If it’s just bats up there, they can stay – I’ve got bigger things to worry about.

            Sibling: (Turns back while running down the hall) Not bats!  GHOSTS!

            Homeowner: Huh?

            Sibling: This place is haunted!  Move out, now!

            Homeowner: Haunted, wha – ?  You don’t even believe in that stuff!

          Sibling: I do now!  I believe it all!  And you need to get out of here – I’ll help you put all the boxes back on the truck, we have it for another four hours, come on!  (Runs into the living room and grabs a box; Homeowner follows and slaps the box back onto the floor)

            Homeowner: (Coolly) I have spent and now owe more money than I will ever see in my entire life on this place – I am not walking away from all that debt just because you got freaked out over a noisy shadow!

           Sibling: (Raises hands and backs away) Whatever – don’t come crying to me when your soul gets possessed!  (Runs out the front door, hops into the rental truck, and speeds away)

           Homeowner: (Shouts out the front door) Guess this means you’re uninvited to my housewarming party!  (Hears BANG from the attic) If I ever get the furnace working, that is.

 THAT NIGHT

            (Homeowner sets up an air mattress in the empty bedroom, turns off the lone lamp on the floor, and settles in to sleep)

            Homeowner: Ahhh, nighty-night to me in my very own home.  And good night to you too, New Home!

            Ghosts: Good night!

            (Homeowner sits up suddenly and turns on the lamp – no one else is there)

            Homeowner: (Shuts off the lamp and settles back onto the air mattress) I swear, if I find out the previous owners left some stupid recording running in the walls somewhere…. (Falls asleep to a chorus of groans, creaking, and banging)

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (Homeowner is in the bathroom, trying to fix the toilet)

          Homeowner: (On a video chat with Sibling while working in the tank) Well apparently, the former occupants also didn’t see fit to tell me that they’d jerry-rigged this thing with paper clips and flimsy tape, so now everything’s all rusted out!

            Sibling: Is the chain also rusted or is it just the clips?

          Homeowner: (Tries to shake the chain at the phone) The whole thing is rusted, see!  (Shaking chains also resound in the background)

            Sibling: Well, I’d say give your inspector a bad review and call a plumber if you can’t fix it, but first maybe ask if that GHOST behind you can help.

          Homeowner: Huh?  (Turns and sees Ghost 1 rattling chains) Do you mind?!  This is the only freakin’ toilet in the house and if I can’t get it fixed I’m toast, so I really don’t have time for your garbage right now!

            Sibling: Seriously?  You’re actually talking to them?

          Homeowner: This place is practically falling apart around my ears, and these bozos keep popping up thinking they’re the most important thing in my life!  (To Ghost 1) What about the buckling walls, hm?!  What about the mouse infestation?!  What about this UNFLUSHABLE TOILET?!!  (Shakes the chain again)

            Ghost 1: Did you try duct tape yet?

           Homeowner: (Throws a roll of paper towels through disappearing Ghost 1) Not helping, Josiah!

            Sibling: I’ll call you back later, yeah?

            Homeowner: Yeah all right – bye.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (Homeowner is about to sledge hammer one of the buckling walls in the bedroom)

        Ghost 2: (Appears behind Homeowner’s shoulder) That’s a bearing wall.  (Disappears)

        Homeowner: (Squeezes eyes shut in exasperation, then slowly opens them again) Thanks.  (Tosses the sledge hammer to the floor, sits down against the creaking wall, and cracks open a beer while watching the rain out through the window.  On the first sip, a drop of water lands on the moldy carpet)  Huh?  (Homeowner looks up and sees a steady stream of drops now are coming through the ceiling)  Son of a – !  (A BANG is heard as Homeowner runs up the attic stairs; at the top, two ghosts are seen to be bowling)

            Ghost 1: Aw!  Seven-ten split again!

            Ghost 2: (Writing down the score) Want the bumpers?

            Ghost 1: Never!

         Homeowner: Hey-hey-hey!  (Ghosts turn their attention to Homeowner) Would you two, just once, knock off whatever it is guys you do all day long?!

          Ghost 1: This is called “Ninepins.”  Only we added a tenth to keep up with the times.

        Homeowner: (Points to the dripping ceiling) There is a leak in the roof – (Points to the corresponding water-damaged floor) and in this floor, and in the ceiling below, and all the rain’s now coming everywhere in to flood the place!

            Ghost 1: Gee, that’s too bad – you try duct tape yet?

            Ghost 2: Oh yes, I heard that fixes everything now – wish we’d had it when we lived here.

            Ghost 1: Amen to that.  (They high-five each other and resume bowling)

            (Homeowner slowly walks back downstairs, grabs a bucket, sets it under the leak, and sits next to it while drinking the beer until the phone rings)

            Homeowner: (Takes the phone out of a jeans pocket and answers it) Hey.

            Sibling: You still got the collapsing house and the undead roommates hanging out in it?

            Homeowner: (Closes eyes as a BANG shakes the house and splashes more water in the bucket; cheers are heard from the attic) It’s being handled.

            Sibling: Doesn’t sound like it from here.

            Homeowner: Well unless you trained overnight as a construction worker and can fix this place from the underground up, then you have nothing to say on this issue.  (A loud rumbling issues from the kitchen) Oh what now?!  (Homeowner runs to the kitchen while carrying the phone and the beer, and enters just as the oven collapses through the floor to land in the basement)

            Sibling: Whoa!  Are you OK?!  Need me to call somebody?!

            Homeowner: (Staring at the hole in the floor, holds the phone back up to speak) No.  I just need to be alone right now.  (Ends the call and continues to stare as Ghost 2 appears)

           Ghost 2: You know, the last residents really didn’t take good care of this place.  I think you got hoodwinked.  (Disappears)

          Homeowner: Thank you, Hester.  (Sinks to the floor as a new leak appears in the ceiling and rain drips into the hole) Just my luck: finally able to move out on my own, and the only house I can afford is both haunted and a lemon.

Story 359: All Roads Lead to I-Don’t-Know-Where

          (At an office, Friend 2 types frantically while darting glances at the time in the lower right-hand corner of the computer monitor)

           Friend 2: There’s still time – (Type-type-type-type) I can make it – (Type-type-type-E-mail Alert – asdfghjkl;) Guess that settles that.  (Pulls out a cell phone, selects one of the contacts, and props the phone against an ear while resuming typing)

            Friend 1: (On the phone) Yeah, what’s up?

            Friend 2: [Disgusted sigh]

            Friend 1: That sounds like a work-related disgusted sigh.

            Friend 2: You’d be right. I hate doing this to you, but I’m gonna have to cancel for tonight: I’ve been bombarded with requests all day in multiple media, and just now I got a notice for something that has to be done before tomorrow so I’m gonna be here for at least another two hours finishing all this up.  It’s as if I did NOTHING ALL DAY LONG!  Sorry.

            Friend 1: Don’t be – I completely understand and refuse to join the treadmill you’re on.  Hope you don’t mind if I go ahead and check out this place tonight anyway?  `Cause I’ve been kind of looking forward to it.

            Friend 2: No, please, go have a blast.  The whole area sounds pretty neat; what’s it called again, a mall town?

            Friend 1: The term is “metroburb.”  And I’ll really just be going to the pop-up drive-in movie theater, but I also might check out some of the trendy office-stores in the main building and drive through the carbon copy housing developments just to freak out the neighbors.

            Friend 2: (Backspacing an entire paragraph) That’s great – I’ll still give you money for the movie ticket, though.

          Friend 1: Then you’d be giving me $0; it was a freebie from… something apparently not important enough for my brain to remember.

              Friend 2: OK, thanks.  And call me later and let me know what it all was like there.

              Friend 1: But of course.

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (In an office breakroom)

            Coworker 1: (To Friend 2) You look tired.

            Friend 2: (Stares balefully at Coworker 1) When is it ever a good time to tell that to someone?

            Coworker 1: Thought it sounded sympathetic.

          Friend 2: It would, if you weren’t the cause of all my late nights this week!  (Aggressively bites into a bagel)

            Coworker 1: Well.  Guess that’s the last time I graciously offer you to help me with my overdue projects.  (Leaves)

            Friend 2: (Stares at the bagel) I was this close to bouncing you off their head.  But I love you too much.  (Devours the rest)

            Coworker 2: (Sits at the table next to Friend 2 and starts eating a salad) Sorry all this stuff lately made you miss out on the movie at the office village the other night.

            Friend 2: Thanks.  And I think it’s actually called an “urban suburb” – no that’s not right –

            Coworker 2: Whatever it is, it seems nifty – you hear from your friend yet on how it all looked?

            Friend 2: (Freezes) You know, I never did hear back….

MEANWHILE

            (In the blazing sun, Friend 1 drives through winding, endless roads)

            Friend 1: (Voiceover) Pilot’s Log: Day 3 of my journey through the metroburb, AKA Circle 10 of Dante’s Inferno.  I have long since given up hope of seeing another human being ever again.  The steaming paved roads are surrounded by carefully regimented trees and flowering bushes, looping in on themselves in never-ending rows of artificial greenery, the forest they replaced conspicuous in its absence.  They mock me with their enforced symmetry, the unnaturalness of their state rivalled only by the unshed tears they weep for their lost brethren cleared en masse to create this hellscape of modern living.

            I had passed the main building upon my initial entry into this cursed place, and have long since said my farewells to it – I have not clapped eyes upon it again in two days, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the pop-up drive-in movie theater was installed in the one corner of the mile-wide and mile-long parking lot that I did not drive through.  There was a good flick scheduled that night, too.

            Several hours after that midnight, I conceded defeat and attempted to navigate my way out of this black hole of a complex – for me, though, the event horizon was long gone: all the roads here are one-way and not one circled back to the direction from whence I came.

            This is one of the rare instances in my life where I regret never yielding to popular trends and installing GPS on my phone.  Or figuring out how to do that now.

            On Day 2, I spotted a family of deer and attempted to follow them home to freedom: however, traitors to their kind that they are, they seemed to have made this monstrosity their new home – which may actually have been the site of their previous home and they’re trying to make the best of things, so never mind – and they merely frolicked into the backyard of some human dwelling-in-progress, so they were no help whatsoever.

            I next followed the path of a flock of migrating geese, driving across the horrifically manicured medians when necessary just to keep them in sight – alas, they too seemed to have made this their home and now, typical of the current state of things, migrate nowhere.  I last left them amusing themselves in an abomination that is an artificial pond, useless to themselves and to me equally.

            I then attempted to create a map of the roads that I already had travelled, drawn on a bunch of take-out napkins that were sitting in the glove compartment, in order to locate the correct road out of here by process of elimination.  Having failed both Art and Geography in my younger years, the map I created is nonsensical and offends the senses.  I would symbolically burn the multi-napkin wreck, if I had not failed Scouts as well.

           This morning I drank the last dregs of sustenance from my water bottle; as the nuclear sun mercilessly beats down upon me, that artificial pond is starting to look better and better....

            (Friend 1’s cell phone rings)

        Friend 1: (Signals to pull into the empty road’s shoulder, puts on the car’s hazard lights, and answers the phone) Yeah, what’s up?

            Friend 2: I see your location’s still listed as being in the metroburb – just follow the signs to Main Street and you should be out of there in five minutes.  (Ends the call)

            (Friend 1 sets the phone onto the passenger seat, looks to the right of the car, and sees a sign planted into the ground that reads “Main Street ↑”)

            Friend 1: (Signals to pull back onto the empty road; voiceover) The journey continues as this intrepid survivor endeavors to decipher the markings that apparently were placed at regular intervals along the monotonous roads and yet, somehow, overlooked.  Attempting escape velocity as the event horizon appears in the distance in three, two, one –

             (A horn blares as Friend 1 cuts across a car’s path while making a left turn onto Main Street)

          Friend 1: (Screaming out the window) At last!  I have escaped the demons of suburbia, ahahahahaha!

              Driver: Freak.

             Friend 1: (Voiceover) My trials at last are over: I have reached journey’s end, and now need a nap.  My lone takeaway of this whole ordeal: I really wanted to see that movie.

Story 358: The Flaw Highlighter

 

            (In an office’s conference room, two coworkers are the last ones to leave a meeting)

          Coworker 1: (Gathering papers from the table) I wish they’d just condense these things, you know?

            Coworker 2: (Starts texting) Yeah.

           Coworker 1: I mean, we just had three back-to-back meetings with the same topics spread out across all of them, you know, and they could’ve just had one big meeting and been done in a quarter of the time, you know?

            Coworker 2: Yeah.

            Coworker 1: I mean, really, you know?

            Coworker 2: (Finally looks at Coworker 1) Yes, I know, stop asking me, I get it!

            Coworker 1: Wow.  That was unnecessarily harsh.

           Coworker 2: I’m sorry, it’s just – like you said, we had three back-to-back redundant meetings so I’m already in a foul mood, and the verbal tics sent me over the edge but that was rude of me, I apologize.

            Coworker 1: What verbal tics?

            Coworker 2: Seriously?

            Coworker 1: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

            Coworker 2: Huh, I guess you don’t, or else you wouldn’t do it.  It’s that you say “You know” a lot.  As in, all the time.

            Coworker 1: Really?  I guess it pops up occasionally, but you know –

            Coworker 2: (Points at Coworker 1) See!  You did it again!

            Coworker 1: (Eyes widen in horror) Oh my stars, I never realized….

          Coworker 2: (Starts to leave) It’s OK, but now that you know about it, you can take steps to knock it off.  Along with a few other things.

            Coworker 1: What few other things?!  How many annoying habits do I have?!

           Coworker 2: Well, there’s – never mind, I’ve gotta get back to my desk and try to answer 300 e-mails in five minutes, byeeee!  (Leaves)

            Coworker 1: (Sits slowly; in a small voice) How many annoying habits do I have?

            Coworker 3: (Pops up behind Coworker 1’s chair) Need a hand with that?

          Coworker 1: (Jumps in seat) Blazing supernovas, have you been here this whole time?!

          Coworker 3: It doesn’t matter – here.  (Hands over a card) Call this crew, they’ll help you out, byeeee!  (Leaves)

          Coworker 1: (Stares at the card that reads “Flaw Highlighter: Where All Your Flaws Are Brought to Light, So You Can Take Steps to Knock Them Off”) Guess it couldn’t hurt to give them a call, you know – shoot!

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

           Coworker 2: (Enters office and passes by Coworker 1’s desk) Good mor – who on Earth is that?!

            Coworker 1: Oh, this is my Flaw Highlighter.  (Gestures to a figure seated next to Coworker 1) They’ll be shadowing me for the next few days to tell me when I keep repeating bad habits, annoying behaviors, that sort of thing, you know?

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on a clipboard) Phrase Repetition: 36^th instance.

            Coworker 1: Drat.  And it’s barely 8:00 in the morning.

            Coworker 2: You sure about this?  It could be a bit distracting to have this going on while you’re supposed to be working.

            Coworker 1: (Starts softly cracking knuckles) I figure it’ll be worth it if it helps me stop doing irritating things unconsciously.

         Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Item #17: Knuckle Cracking – first instance.

            Coworker 1: Huh?  (Looks at hands in mid-crack) No wonder they hurt randomly.

            Coworker 2: (Sits at a nearby desk) Well, let me know if you need anything.

            Coworker 1: Will do, heh-heh-heh!

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Nervous Laugh: 20^th instance.

            Coworker 1: Great, now it’s even annoying me, but it’s so hard to stop!

            Coworker 2: (Mutters to the computer monitor) This is gonna be a looooong day….

 SEVERAL HOURS LATER

            Coworker 1: (On the desk phone) I can try looking that up for you – (Types and sucks on teeth) – I see, it was submitted at the end of last year.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Teeth Sucking: 13^th instance.

         Coworker 1: (Mushes lips together) Mm-hm…. Mm-hm…. (Begins cracking knuckles) Mm-hmmmm....

          Flaw Highlighter: (Gently taps Coworker 1’s hands with a pencil before making a notation on the clipboard) Seventh instance.

          Coworker 1: (Sits on hands) OK, I’ll keep looking for the other one, but I may not be able to send it to you until Monday, you know?  (Winces)

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Even hundred.

            Coworker 1: Sure-thanks-bye!  (Releases hands to hang up the phone)

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Phone etiquette is a bit rusty.

           Coworker 1: (Sinks head onto the desk) Can I stop having to interact with people for the rest of the day?

            Flaw Highlighter: No.  And you signed up with us for a month.

            Coworker 1: (Moans into the desk) Can I take a five-minute break from the surveillance, then?

           Flaw Highlighter: If you must.  A note will be placed in your file documenting this.  (Sets the clipboard and pencil down on the desk and freezes in place)

            Coworker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  (Walks to Coworker 2’s desk) Hey – got a minute?

            Coworker 2: (Looks up and takes off headphones) What’s up?  How’s the audit going?

            Coworker 1: Extremely well.

            Coworker 2: Excellent!

            Coworker 1: That’s why it needs to end now.

            Coworker 2: What?  Why?

            Coworker 1: Because everything I do and say is wrong!

            Coworker 2: No it isn’t!  Although that means what you just said was.

            Coworker 1: All right: everything I do and say is annoying!

            Coworker 2: Well….

            Coworker 1: Well?!

            Coworker 2: Not everything.

            Coworker 1: I can’t even take myself anymore!  Can I quit me?!

           Coworker 2: Listen, so you’ve got a few obnoxious quirks, but really, so does everyone else in humanity!  You can try to work on some of them, but if you obsess over every little annoying part of yourself then you’ll only wind up making them worse and enjoying life even less than you are now.

            Coworker 1: I guess.

            Coworker 2: Good.  Now dismiss the voice in your head so you can get some actual work done today – if you don’t send me the updated slides by 4:00 then you’ll really be annoying.  (Puts the headphones back on)

           Coworker 1: Oh all right.  (Walks back to the desk; Flaw Highlighter reanimates and picks up the clipboard and pencil) Yeah, so, we’re done here.  You don’t need to come back, ever.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Stands) You still want the report, such as it is?

            Coworker 1: Nah, I got the gist of it.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Nods) No refunds.  (Leaves)

          Coworker 1: (Sits at the desk, looks at Coworker 2 who smiles and gives a thumbs-up, then looks off into the middle distance) Maybe I should’ve gotten the package that focused on my prejudice and immaturity instead.

Story 357: Finding a Perfectly Adequate Gift Is Hard

            (Friend 1 is talking on the phone while walking through a parking lot) 

            Friend 1: Sorry to cut you off, but I’m almost at the pharmacy now.

            Friend 2: (On the phone) Oh sure, what do you have to pick up if you don't mind me asking?

            Friend 1: Just a gift for a coworker’s birthday – tomorrow.

            Friend 2: I thought you said you were going to the pharmacy?

            Friend 1: I am; this one has the best gifts.  Their candle display is unrivalled!

            Friend 2: …OK, know what you’re gonna get?

            Friend 1: Nah, I figure something’ll hit me when I’m in there.

            Friend 2: Shyeah, OK.

            Friend 1: I don’t like the sound of that.

          Friend 2: It’s just, if you don’t have at least an idea of what type of gift you’re getting, then nothing there will be the right one.

            Friend 1: That’s not true!  I’ll find something perfectly adequate in five minutes, tops!

            Friend 2: Mm-hm: so what does your intended recipient like?

          Friend 1: (Entering the store and heading for the gift section) That’s easy, there’s – hang on – (Walks past multiple displays, touching random items) – water bottle?  No, the office’s already given us a million of these – ooh, comfy socks!

            Friend 2: Uh-huh.  What size does the person wear?

            Friend 1: …Average?  Never look at people’s feet, to be honest.

            Friend 2: Maybe keep looking at the shelves there instead.

          Friend 1: Oh all right.  (Keeps touching random objects) I guess a new wallet would be nice, for… (Turns it over to see the price tag) $60?!  Get outta here!  (Tosses the wallet back onto the display)  I wouldn’t spend that much on one gift for my own blood relative, let alone an almost-stranger!

            Friend 2: OK, maybe move on to another section.

          Friend 1: Sure, sure.  (Walks toward the front of the store) Ooh, maybe this pretty little Halloween witch with a poisoned cauldron and a bloody skull!

            Friend 2: I’d say not.  And nothing Halloween – we just got over Labor Day.

           Friend 1: So? It’s fine to get Halloween things now; I only refused to look at this stuff when they were out right after 4^th of July.

            Friend 2: Ugh.  Maybe no holiday-themed items: this is for a birthday, so no double-dipping.

            Friend 1: Guess a Nativity scene’s out, then?

           Friend 2: No holidays!  Or seasons, for that matter – no “Happy Fall” or “Welcome, Winter” or “Come Back, Summer” or “Where Are You, Spring?” or anything else that detracts from the birthday!

            Friend 1: Fine.  Maybe this huge wine glass with streamers and balloons painted on it’ll do.

            Friend 2: Does the person drink alcohol?

            Friend 1: Doesn’t everybody?

            Friend 2: I don’t!

            Friend 1: Oh right, forgot – heh.

            Friend 2: If you’re not certain, then skip it.  What about a mug for coffee or tea?

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they drink coffee or tea.

            Friend 2: You can put anything hot in it!

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they drink anything hot.

            Friend 2: Fine – what about bath stuff?

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they take baths.

            Friend 2: [Grinds teeth]

            Friend 1: (Rifles through bath products on a shelf) Ooh, I can get this bar of goat milk soap; that sounds pretty healthy for the skin, right?

            Friend 2: Are you kidding me?!

            Friend 1: Too cheap?

            Friend 2: You don’t give someone bar soap as a present!  Bubble bath, maybe, but not bar soap!

            Friend 1: Still don’t know if they take baths.

            Friend 2: Fine-fine-fine, no bath stuff.  How about the candle display you raved about earlier?

          Friend 1: Ooh, right, great idea!  (Runs to the other side of the store, using a foot to right a display toppling in the slipstream on the way) Let’s see… (Picks up and puts down several candles before settling on one) Yes!  Nice scent, nice size, nice price, perfect!

            Friend 2: Thank goodness.  Bye.

            Friend 1: Oh wait: I think they have seasonal allergies, so scented candles probably would make it worse.

            Friend 2: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh....

            Friend 1: (Sets the candle back onto the shelf and looks towards the store’s front window) Ooh, they have the lottery here!  I’ll just get some birthday scratch-offs!  (Runs to the front of the store, using a foot to right a customer toppling in the slipstream on the way)

            Friend 2: Ugh, that is such a non-gift!

            Friend 1: (Pauses at the front counter) Eh?

            Friend 2: If the tickets are a bust, it’s as if you didn’t give anything!

            Friend 1: Hm.  (Rummages through the various small items for sale on the counter displays)

            Sales Associate: Could you please stop touching everything?!  We have to disinfect all of it after you leave!

            Friend 1: I’m an indecisive shopper!  (To Friend 2) How about impulse-buy chocolate bars?

            Friend 2: (Wearily) Is the person allergic to chocolate?

            Friend 1: Nah, I distinctively remember them scarfing down brownies at the last work birthday.

            Friend 2: Then please grab some of those, stick a bow on `em, and call it a day.

          Friend 1: Sweet!  (Pays for the bars and is hustled out of the store by the employees and other customers)  Thanks for all your help; I would’ve still been in there, wandering the aisles and weeping, for at least another hour.

            Friend 1: I just can’t believe I got sucked into all that without even realizing it.  I hope this coworker’s worth it.

            Friend 1: Not really: they’re mean to everybody and yell a lot, but you know.  Birthday’s a birthday.