Story 480: Petty Sacrifice Is Good for the Soul

“So, are you giving up anything for Lent this year?”

“I take it you’re asking only to tell me what you’re giving up.”

“Yes.  So, what’re you giving up this year?”

“I figured not having cookies for a month-and-a-half should do me and my blood sugar levels some good; how about – ”

“Ha!  How petty, how small, how insignificant of an abstention!”

“Ew.  What’s your lofty sacrifice then?”

“Smoking.  All for the noble cause of personal and public health!”

“Buuuuuuuut you don’t smoke.”

“And I especially won’t for a month-and-a-half.”

“Cheat.”

 *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “What’re you giving up for Lent this year?”

“Oh, you know, I haven’t decided yet?  Last year I tried giving up those specialty drinks that I’d get from the drive-through, but then I found myself sneaking in stuff from the supermarket that were pretty much the same thing, so I feel like I’m just setting myself up for failure in this whole scenario, but maybe I’ll give up bubblegum this time instead, what about you?”

“Figured I’d give up late-night TV shows and actually go to bed at a decent hour.”

“I thought that was your New Year’s Resolution?”

“Eh, close enough to New Year’s, right?”

 *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

             “Giving up anything for Lent this year?”

“I give up enough in my daily life!  I work two jobs taking care of sick people and then go home to take care of dependent children and their pets – I think I’ve sacrificed enough in my life that I can get a pass on Lent, don’t you agree?!”

“Yes, I’d say so.”

“As I thought!  So, what’re you giving up?”

“Popcorn.”

“Well done.”

 *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

             “Hey, so are you giving up anything for Lent this year?”

“Yeah, &@#*ing swearing.”

“Let me know how that turns out.”

“&@#* yeah!”

 *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Just wanted to let you know that I’m giving up dealing with jerks for Lent.”

“Oh, OK; good for you!”

“Thanks.  So, see you after Easter.”

“…Hey!”

 *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “I’ve got it: for Lent this year, I’m giving up all that time watching movies and shows and sports and just really focus on me instead.  Starting with buying myself a new car.”

“Oh.  Why don’t you spend some of that extra time and money helping other people, then?  That’s kind of the point.”

“I thought the point was to make myself better?”

“In a way, but this time of year the intention is also to help others – a bit more than you’re supposed to the rest of the year.

“But I still don’t see how that’s helping me!”

“Whoosh!”

“Huh?”

“There goes the point – sailing right over your head.”

Story 358: The Flaw Highlighter

 

            (In an office’s conference room, two coworkers are the last ones to leave a meeting)

          Coworker 1: (Gathering papers from the table) I wish they’d just condense these things, you know?

            Coworker 2: (Starts texting) Yeah.

           Coworker 1: I mean, we just had three back-to-back meetings with the same topics spread out across all of them, you know, and they could’ve just had one big meeting and been done in a quarter of the time, you know?

            Coworker 2: Yeah.

            Coworker 1: I mean, really, you know?

            Coworker 2: (Finally looks at Coworker 1) Yes, I know, stop asking me, I get it!

            Coworker 1: Wow.  That was unnecessarily harsh.

           Coworker 2: I’m sorry, it’s just – like you said, we had three back-to-back redundant meetings so I’m already in a foul mood, and the verbal tics sent me over the edge but that was rude of me, I apologize.

            Coworker 1: What verbal tics?

            Coworker 2: Seriously?

            Coworker 1: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

            Coworker 2: Huh, I guess you don’t, or else you wouldn’t do it.  It’s that you say “You know” a lot.  As in, all the time.

            Coworker 1: Really?  I guess it pops up occasionally, but you know –

            Coworker 2: (Points at Coworker 1) See!  You did it again!

            Coworker 1: (Eyes widen in horror) Oh my stars, I never realized….

          Coworker 2: (Starts to leave) It’s OK, but now that you know about it, you can take steps to knock it off.  Along with a few other things.

            Coworker 1: What few other things?!  How many annoying habits do I have?!

           Coworker 2: Well, there’s – never mind, I’ve gotta get back to my desk and try to answer 300 e-mails in five minutes, byeeee!  (Leaves)

            Coworker 1: (Sits slowly; in a small voice) How many annoying habits do I have?

            Coworker 3: (Pops up behind Coworker 1’s chair) Need a hand with that?

          Coworker 1: (Jumps in seat) Blazing supernovas, have you been here this whole time?!

          Coworker 3: It doesn’t matter – here.  (Hands over a card) Call this crew, they’ll help you out, byeeee!  (Leaves)

          Coworker 1: (Stares at the card that reads “Flaw Highlighter: Where All Your Flaws Are Brought to Light, So You Can Take Steps to Knock Them Off”) Guess it couldn’t hurt to give them a call, you know – shoot!

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

           Coworker 2: (Enters office and passes by Coworker 1’s desk) Good mor – who on Earth is that?!

            Coworker 1: Oh, this is my Flaw Highlighter.  (Gestures to a figure seated next to Coworker 1) They’ll be shadowing me for the next few days to tell me when I keep repeating bad habits, annoying behaviors, that sort of thing, you know?

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on a clipboard) Phrase Repetition: 36^th instance.

            Coworker 1: Drat.  And it’s barely 8:00 in the morning.

            Coworker 2: You sure about this?  It could be a bit distracting to have this going on while you’re supposed to be working.

            Coworker 1: (Starts softly cracking knuckles) I figure it’ll be worth it if it helps me stop doing irritating things unconsciously.

         Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Item #17: Knuckle Cracking – first instance.

            Coworker 1: Huh?  (Looks at hands in mid-crack) No wonder they hurt randomly.

            Coworker 2: (Sits at a nearby desk) Well, let me know if you need anything.

            Coworker 1: Will do, heh-heh-heh!

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Nervous Laugh: 20^th instance.

            Coworker 1: Great, now it’s even annoying me, but it’s so hard to stop!

            Coworker 2: (Mutters to the computer monitor) This is gonna be a looooong day….

 SEVERAL HOURS LATER

            Coworker 1: (On the desk phone) I can try looking that up for you – (Types and sucks on teeth) – I see, it was submitted at the end of last year.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Teeth Sucking: 13^th instance.

         Coworker 1: (Mushes lips together) Mm-hm…. Mm-hm…. (Begins cracking knuckles) Mm-hmmmm....

          Flaw Highlighter: (Gently taps Coworker 1’s hands with a pencil before making a notation on the clipboard) Seventh instance.

          Coworker 1: (Sits on hands) OK, I’ll keep looking for the other one, but I may not be able to send it to you until Monday, you know?  (Winces)

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Even hundred.

            Coworker 1: Sure-thanks-bye!  (Releases hands to hang up the phone)

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Phone etiquette is a bit rusty.

           Coworker 1: (Sinks head onto the desk) Can I stop having to interact with people for the rest of the day?

            Flaw Highlighter: No.  And you signed up with us for a month.

            Coworker 1: (Moans into the desk) Can I take a five-minute break from the surveillance, then?

           Flaw Highlighter: If you must.  A note will be placed in your file documenting this.  (Sets the clipboard and pencil down on the desk and freezes in place)

            Coworker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  (Walks to Coworker 2’s desk) Hey – got a minute?

            Coworker 2: (Looks up and takes off headphones) What’s up?  How’s the audit going?

            Coworker 1: Extremely well.

            Coworker 2: Excellent!

            Coworker 1: That’s why it needs to end now.

            Coworker 2: What?  Why?

            Coworker 1: Because everything I do and say is wrong!

            Coworker 2: No it isn’t!  Although that means what you just said was.

            Coworker 1: All right: everything I do and say is annoying!

            Coworker 2: Well….

            Coworker 1: Well?!

            Coworker 2: Not everything.

            Coworker 1: I can’t even take myself anymore!  Can I quit me?!

           Coworker 2: Listen, so you’ve got a few obnoxious quirks, but really, so does everyone else in humanity!  You can try to work on some of them, but if you obsess over every little annoying part of yourself then you’ll only wind up making them worse and enjoying life even less than you are now.

            Coworker 1: I guess.

            Coworker 2: Good.  Now dismiss the voice in your head so you can get some actual work done today – if you don’t send me the updated slides by 4:00 then you’ll really be annoying.  (Puts the headphones back on)

           Coworker 1: Oh all right.  (Walks back to the desk; Flaw Highlighter reanimates and picks up the clipboard and pencil) Yeah, so, we’re done here.  You don’t need to come back, ever.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Stands) You still want the report, such as it is?

            Coworker 1: Nah, I got the gist of it.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Nods) No refunds.  (Leaves)

          Coworker 1: (Sits at the desk, looks at Coworker 2 who smiles and gives a thumbs-up, then looks off into the middle distance) Maybe I should’ve gotten the package that focused on my prejudice and immaturity instead.