Story 375: How to Pass the Time Before Your Head Is (Figuratively) Taken Off

 (In an office, Coworker 1 is typing agitatedly away as Coworker 2 approaches carrying a large soft drink)

Coworker 2: Haaaaaaappy Friiiidaaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!

Coworker 1: (Without looking up) You know that sentiment unreasonably irritates me – we clearly are not happy and want nothing more than for Friday to end.

Coworker 2: Well, just the business-day part of it for us in the office contingent – I felt the same way you do when I worked weekends in retail; Friday nights were just the worst.

Coworker 1: I believe it: I probably was one of your customers.  (An e-mail pops up – Coworker 1 freezes while reading it) Oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no –

Coworker 2: Uh-oh, sounds like that sinking feeling.  What happened?

Coworker 1: The thing – I sent – I forgot – it needs – I missed – on Monday –

Coworker 2: Let me guess: you submitted something that’s due on Monday and just now were reminded that something else is needed for it but since it’s – (Looks at watch) 4:49 on a Friday afternoon it’s too late to add anything and now you’re doomed?

Coworker 1: (Nods a lot with a panicked face) And the worst part is, I’m not the one who’s going to be presenting it; my manager is.

 Coworker 2: Ooh, double whammy.  Now excuses’ll have to be made for your incompetence, but it’ll just look like your manager can’t supervise employees properly.  You’re gonna get yelled at both for messing up and for making the boss look bad – I don’t envy you one bit.

Coworker 1: (Sinks down onto the desk) What-am-I-gonna-do?!  My head’s gonna get taken off!  Again!

Coworker 2: This has happened before?

Coworker 1: A similarly horrific mistake, yes.

Coworker 2: Well, there’re only two things for it: send your manager an e-mail confessing all, and spend the weekend having the time of your life before facing the end on Monday.

Coworker 1: (Sits up again) How can I even think about enjoying myself when I have this hanging over me?!

Coworker 2: Easy: it’s not going anywhere and there’s nothing to be done about it until three days from now, so why spend your remaining moments of non-punishment miserable?  Go wild, I say.  (Looks at watch again) Speaking of, that very nicely ends my shift – bye.  (Leaves, slurping the drink)

Coworker 1: (Stares at the computer monitor for a few moments, then types a reply e-mail) Metaphorical falling-on-my-sword, commence.  (Selects “Send,” sighs dramatically, logs out of the computer, cleans up the desk, and leaves)

 FRIDAY NIGHT

 (Coworker 1 slowly walks to the train station for the commute home, then stops in the middle of the sidewalk to the annoyance of pedestrians everywhere)

Coworker 1: Wait a minute – this is the self-appointed Greatest City in the World!  Why am I heading home to mentally gnaw on work issues when I’m literally in the middle of all this stuff?!  (Runs to the nearest club)

Pedestrian: You go, office drone!  Take the world and give nothing back!

(Coworker 1 spends the evening club-hopping, dancing to loud music, eating delicious junk, and riding home on the late train humming that one song that never leaves)

 SATURDAY MORNING/AFTERNOON

(Coworker 1 sleeps late, then makes a gourmet breakfast before heading to the nearest mountain to ski)

Ski Instructor: And how many lessons have you had prior to this?

Coworker 1: None!  (Crouches into a ball before pushing off to head down the entire mountain)

Ski Instructor: Wait, I didn’t teach you how to fall yet!

(Coworker 1 screams all the way, reaches the bottom, stops safely, and tips over onto a small snowbank)

Coworker 1: (Lying on back and staring at the gray sky) Wheeeee….

 SATURDAY EVENING

 (At a movie theater box office)

Cashier: May I help you?

Coworker 1: Yes, I’d like a ticket to the double-double-feature please, along with five tubs of popcorn and seven gallons of soda.  Oh, and all the candy.

Cashier: (Rings up the ticket) Just a reminder the final show doesn’t let out until 3 a.m., and you have to get all that other stuff at the concession stand.

Coworker 1: (Swipes credit card) Right – it’s been so long since I’ve done this, I thought it was all consolidated to one purchase by now.

Cashier: (Hands over the ticket and receipt) Thankfully not.

(Coworker 1 runs to the concession stand, the unconsumed sugar already kicking in, then sits in a theater getting lost in other worlds for the next six hours)

 SUNDAY MORNING

(Coworker 1 joins a group doing yoga on a beach)

Coworker 1: (To Yoga Instructor) I saw some dolphins out there on my way over – will they be joining us like the goats do on those farms?

Yoga Instructor: No, they need to stay in the water.

Coworker 1: Cool – maybe I’ll join them later.

(The group members invert their bodies for the next half hour)

 SUNDAY AFTERNOON

(Coworker 1 prepares to tandem skydive out of an airplane)

Skydiving Instructor: (Shouting over the rushing wind and the plane’s engine) Just remember: I’ll be doing all the work, so you literally don’t have to do a single thing except not get sick, if you don’t mind!

Coworker 1: No worries!  I figure if something tragic happens we’ll both go out together, isn’t that comforting?!

Skydiving Instructor: Not really!  (They jump, with Coworker 1 laughing and Skydiving Instructor guiding them and praying all the way down; they arrive back on Earth, intact)

Coworker 1: Yippee, let’s do that again!

Skydiving Instructor: Sure, if you’ve got another $300.00.

Coworker 1: Let’s do that again some other time!  (Separates their harness and rolls around on the ground in glee) I feel so alive, hooray!

Skydiving Instructor: That’s great – listen, I’ve got to get back for the next customer’s once-in-a-lifetime experience, so could you speed this up a bit?

 SUNDAY EVENING

(Coworker 1 curls up on the living room couch with a book and blanket; gentle music is playing in the background and lit candles are everywhere)

Coworker 1: (Engrossed in the novel) Aw, those two finally got together, that feels so fulfilling.  (Suddenly looks up and around) Wait a minute, I’m forgetting something aren’t I?... Of course!  Chocolate!  (Springs off the couch to whip up a hot chocolate bomb that’s all the rage this season, then sinks back onto the couch while smacking lips after the first sip) Ahhhhhhh, I have never felt so satisfied in my entire life since the time before I was kicked out of the womb.

 MONDAY MORNING

(Coworker 1 wakes in dread, eats breakfast in dread, rides the train in dread, walks to the office in dread, and approaches Manager’s desk in dread)

Coworker 1: Hi.

Manager: Oh hi, did you have a good weekend?

Coworker 1: The best.  How about you?

Manager: Eh, it was all right – had to spend some of it finishing up the presentation for today.

Coworker 1: About that....

Manager: Yeah?

Coworker 1: Did you get my e-mail on Friday?

Manager: Oh yeah, I wrote back but you’d probably already left for the day – it’s OK you forgot that one section, turns out we don’t really need it for this so it’s no big deal.

Coworker 1: …Oh.  Really?

Manager: Yeah, the rest of it can do without it so it doesn’t matter.  You OK?

Coworker 1: I’m fine, why do you ask?

Manager: Well, you looked like you’ve been thinking all weekend I’d take your head off or something like that.

Coworker 1: The thought never crossed my mind.

Story 372: Oblivia’s New Year 2021

 (At home, Oblivia wears a comfy robe and pajamas and hums while making a cup of coffee and waffles.  She then gleefully carries a tray with her breakfast and sets it on her bed, then snuggles under the covers before turning on a laptop and logging into a video conference)

Manager: (Addressing the four other screens in attendance) So let’s get started – first off, you’ve probably all guessed by now no one’s getting a bonus this year.  (The others mumble in the affirmative) And we’ve lucked out the company doesn’t have lay off anyone – yet – but I was told we have to slash the department’s hours again –

Coworker 1: But my health insurance can’t take any slashing!

Manager: Don’t worry, I’m told that’ll be unaffected – (Mutters underneath biting nails) – for now.

Coworker 1: Oh.  Then yay, shorter work week!

Manager: The workload’s increased and you have even less time to do it in.

Coworker 1: Aw, nuts.

Manager: Now, let’s go over the budget – how’re the numbers for this quarter?

Coworker 2: Abysmal.

Manager: Drat.  How’s Marketing looking?

Oblivia: (Mouth full of toast, gives two thumbs-up) Great!  Practically the best it’s ever been!

Manager: …Are you… wearing your PJs and eating breakfast in bed?

Oblivia: Oh yeah, this is the best set-up I’ve had in years!  I love working from home, don’t you?

Manager: (Slow blink as a screaming toddler runs past in the background) Not particularly.

Coworker 3: Speaking of, year-ago-me can’t believe I’m asking this but any word on when we might be able to come back into the office?

Manager: (Tosses away a cat walking across the desk) What do you think?!

Coworker 3: Just checking – I’m starting to lose feeling in my legs for hours at a time now that I’m working from the couch all day long.

Manager: Oh, boo-hoo!  Remind everyone out there to feel bad for your inconvenience!

Coworker 3: I withdraw my statement.

Manager: Seriously though – get up and take a walk once in a while, you might be working on deep vein thrombosis.

Coworker 3: What?

Oblivia: (Slurps coffee) By the way, anybody got plans for New Year’s Eve?

Manager: Are you kidding?!

Oblivia: I usually wind up staying home, but I like to live vicariously by hearing about what everyone else is doing.

Coworker 1: Staying home.

Coworker 2: Staying home.

Coworker 3: Staying home.

Manager: Staying home, like we’ve been doing all year long!

Coworker 2: I thought it was only since March?

Manager: “Only”?!

Oblivia: I also wanted to see if you all made resolutions yet.  Mine’re the same every year: eat healthier and read at least one educational book.  I fail every year, though.

Coworker 2: Heh, my resolutions usually are the book thing and lose 20 pounds.  I also fail.

Coworker 1: I resolve in 2021 to be more appreciative for the good things in my life.  Oh, and also wash my hands better, `cause apparently I’m still pretty bad at it.

Coworker 3: I’m resolving to walk every day, and call my family and friends more, and volunteer somewhere at least once a month, and – I’m already exhausted, forget it.

Oblivia: Ooh, I’m gonna add the walking bit, maybe I’ll be able to squeeze that into errands, hm?

Manager: Who cares?!  I’m trying to run a meeting here and no one’s paying attention!  This department barely functioned on a good day and it’s even worse now that everyone’s telecommuting!

Oblivia: I don’t know, I think this has been a successful experiment with all of us not having to deal with each other in-person 40+ hours a week; I’d like to continue it forever if that’s all right.

Manager: It’s not an experiment!  Do you even know what’s going on around you?!

Oblivia: Year-round hibernation?

(Manager clunks head down on the desk)

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

(In the same robe and pajamas, Oblivia samples from champagne and desserts while watching television shows leading up to 2021)

News Anchor: – we’ll all certainly be glad to say “Good Riddance” to 2020, and look forward to a hopefully better 2021.

Oblivia: Don’t people say that every year?  (Watches the ball drop)

Crowds: Happy New Year, dagnabbit!  Save us, 2021!

Oblivia: Hm.  It would be ironic if this is the year an asteroid finally does wipe us all out.

Story 336: Best Staycation EVER!

            (At home, Employee is wearing pajamas and stretched out on the bed, with a laptop, phone, and snacks within easy reach)

            Employee: (Scrolling through work e-mail) Sweet, no one expects me to answer these things in two seconds anymore; I could get used to this.  (Phone rings; Employee checks the caller ID and answers with a slight frown) Hey Boss, since Corporate won’t issue me a phone this call is eating up my minutes, what’s up?

            Manager: Yeah, so, I’m sure you’ve figured out by now we’ve not done so well this past quarter –

            Employee: No kidding, but at least our misery has global company this time, know-what-I-mean?

            Manager: …Right, so, I spoke with H.R. and they said you need to take a two-week vacation.  Starting now.

            Employee: (Sits up suddenly, disturbing potato chips) What?!  I’ve been saving those hours for Miami in the fall!

            Manager: Yeah, well, you may have all the hours in the fall if you don’t take your vacation now, know what I mean?

            Employee: Oh.  But the fall?

            Manager: Worry about the fall when it’s the fall – even after the two weeks you might have to be furloughed just so there’s still a company after all this is over.

           Employee: I guess – but Boss, hardly anything around here’s open, what am I gonna do for two-plus weeks?

           Manager: Don’t know and don’t care, just do your part and stay home!  And hopefully see you on the other side.

            Employee: What?  (Hears the call disconnect; stares at the phone, then at the laptop as the work e-mail access is cut off) Hm.  Indefinite vacation, nowhere to go, and nothing to do.  (Stares at the computer, then smiles evilly while flexing hands) Do my part, eh?  Golden age of technology, here I come.

            (An hour later, a masked food delivery worker arrives at Employee’s condo door, knocks, and sets down the bag just as Employee opens the door, still wearing pajamas and a bare face)

            Employee: Howdy!

            Food Delivery Worker: Ah!  You already paid!  (Flees)

          Employee: (Picks up the bag while staring at the fleeing figure) Must be new on the job.  (Returns indoors and dumps the bag and its contents just everywhere)

          (An hour later, a masked mail carrier arrives and sets down a package just as Employee opens the door, still wearing pajamas and a bare face)

            Employee: Howdy!

          Mail Carrier: Dude, wait till I’m gone, you all never leave me alone on a good day!  (Flees; barking dogs follow) Oh come on!

            Employee: (Picks up the package) Guess I’d be grumpy too if I had go through snow, rain, heat, and gloom of night.   (Returns indoors and dumps the box and its contents just everywhere) At last, I can finally watch the entire series in all its glory.  Again.  (Pulls out a DVD sleeve) Ew, not Season 1, though – that was garbage.  (Tosses it aside and brings the rest of the collection to the living room while rubbing eyes)

            (An hour later, Employee arrives at a video game store and is sprayed with disinfectant from head-to-toe by the hazmat-suited employee at the entrance)

            Video Game Store Employee: (Muffled voice) What do you want?

            Employee: (Spitting out disinfectant) And good day to you, too – (Holds out a disc in a case) I finished this and want a new one.

          Video Game Store Employee: (Grabs the case with a pair of tongs, tosses it over the front counter, then uses a separate pair of tongs to grab a random case and tosses it into Employee’s hands) Here – we’ll charge it to your account, now get out!

            Employee: (Turns over the case) But I don’t know anything about this one – can I test it out?  (Gestures with the case at the demo station, which is covered in caution tape)

            Video Game Store Employee: I wouldn’t.

            (On the way home, Employee detours onto the parkway)

            Employee: (Driving close to 100 mph with all the windows down) Woo-hoo!  Outta my way, slowpokes – oh that’s right, THERE’S NO ONE ELSE HERE!  (Reaches 100 mph) This is THE LIFE!  This is FREEDOM!  WHEEEEEE!!!! (Hears sirens and sees flashing lights in the rearview mirror) Oh, they’re still on the roads.

            (Several hours later, Employee waits in the condo development’s parking lot as a tow truck bearing a brand new car arrives)

            Employee: Yesssss!  Just the color I wanted and everything.  (Shouts to the masked driver) You can drop it into this spot here – my old car’s in impound, so they can keep it!  (As the driver lowers the car into the spot, Employee sees a masked neighbor out walking the dog) Howdy!  (Neighbor and dog stop to stare at the spectacle, Neighbor with furrowed eyebrows.  Employee chuckles and makes a show of pulling T-shirt over nose and mouth; immediately drops it after Neighbor and dog move on)

            Tow Truck Driver: (Unchaining new car) Be out of your way in a minute.

            Employee: No worries – I’ve got all the time in the world.  (Holds out some bills when the job is done)

           Tow Truck Driver: I don’t want your filthy money!  (Runs into the tow truck and speeds away)

            Employee: Hm.  Seems no one wants to get paid lately.

            (Later that night, Employee is playing the new video game)

           Employee: Ugh, these boss battles are the worst!  Knew they should’ve let me test it out, those wimps.  (The power suddenly cuts out as the entire development moans in unison) Great, now what am I gonna do?!  (There is a knock on the door) Ooh, pizza’s here!

(Within an hour, the power is restored)

Employee: (Sitting on the couch, texting on the phone when the lights suddenly blaze back on) Whew, thought we had an actual crisis there for a bit.  (Tries to start the video game on the TV again but sees that the modem now is damaged from a power surge) Oh no, another disaster!  When will this madness end?!  (Works on the phone while muttering) I’ll just hop on next door’s foolishly unsecure Wi-Fi and we’ll be back in business….

            (An hour later, a drone gently beats against Employee’s window; Employee opens it and takes a box from the drone)

            Drone: (Computer voice) Do not touch me.  (Flies away)

            Employee: Wow, they’re making those things smarter and smarter by the day.  That’s what we all should be worried about.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

            (Employee wanders around the condo wearing ratty pajamas and messy hair while talking on the phone)

            Employee: …I don’t see what everyone’s complaining about – I’m having the time of my life, and I’m getting paid for it!  (Dumps the contents of a cereal box into mouth) Yeah, I know it’s just for now, but that’s next week’s problem…. Why should I?  It’s raining all the time, and you can get almost anything you want delivered.  I don’t even have to go to the grocery store – I just have them deliver whenever I run out of something.... Yeah, I could combine it into one big order, but when I run out I need it now `cause it’s important!  Besides, it’s job security for them, right?  I’m just doing my part like everyone keeps telling me to, right?  (There is a knock on the door) Speaking of which, sounds like my chocolate chip cookies are finally here, bye!  (Disconnects the call and opens the door; a box with a note is on the ground) So rude.  (Returns indoors, dumps the box and the contents just everywhere, and immediately begins eating the cookies while reading the note) …You guys can’t cut off home delivery for me, I’m your best customer!  And I only order four times a day, what’s the big deal?!  (Crumples up the note and tosses it onto the floor) Oh well, plenty of stores to move on to.  (Flops onto the couch, turns on the TV, eats more cookies, and sighs contentedly) Aaaaahhhh, I so love being on vacation and saving the world at the same time.  Those old timers were right: giving really is better than receiving.

Story 328: You Sound Meaner in Writing

            (In an office, Coworker 1 walks to Coworker 2’s desk)

            Coworker 1: Hey, can I ask for a favor?

           Coworker 2: (Did not see Coworker 1 approaching and quickly closes a few windows on the monitor and fusses with items on the desk without looking up) Oh hi, sorry, really busy right now, doing that report you know, e-mails, calls, so much going on, not enough hours in the day, they don’t pay us enough for all this stress, right, what?  (Finally looks up at Coworker 1)

            Coworker 1: Still sneaking in ------------- fan fiction?  It’s been almost a year since the series finale.

            Coworker 2: I will never recover from that dumpster fire of an ending, do you hear me?!  So, how can I help?

            Coworker 1: I just got a notice to meet with the quality manager, and I need back-up.

            Coworker 2: Well, she won’t want to see me there: I wasn’t invited to the party.

         Coworker 1: It doesn’t matter, I’ll just say you’re there to take notes and you can doodle gibberish, I just – can’t face her alone.

          Coworker 2: Why not?  Did something happen between you two?  How would you guys’ve even met?  I’ve never seen her down here and everything’s done by e-mail anyway – she probably telecommutes from Tahiti for all we know.

           Coworker 1: No, she’s here, and e-mail’s the problem: going by that, I don’t think she likes me.

           Coworker 2: I’ll need some examples before passing judgement.

          Coworker 1: (Pulls out a phone and scrolls through the screens) OK, here’s one from about a month ago: “The report needs to be submitted by this afternoon; it can’t be late.  This is a State requirement.”  (Looks at Coworker 2 expectantly)

            Coworker 2: OK, a bit brusque, but understandable: the State’s kind of a big deal.

           Coworker 1: All right – (Scrolls a bit) here’s a better one: “This has to be redone – there are too many errors for it to be sent on to Corporate.  If you send a corrected version by tomorrow, that would work.” (Looks at Coworker 2 expectantly)

            Coworker 2: Ohhhh-kaaaay, so you messed up a report and got told to fix it before it went to the bigwigs?

             Coworker 1: That’s not the point – can’t you just feel the reproach oozing out of the screen?

             Coworker 2: I’d reproach you too if you’d sent me shoddy work.

          Coworker 1: All right, bad example.  (Scrolls a bit) Aha!  This one’s perfect: “Report received.  I will contact you next month for updates.”  (Looks expectantly at Coworker 2) Well?

            Coworker 2: Eh....

            Coworker 1: Well?!

            Coworker 2: I guess a “Thank you” would’ve been nice –

            Coworker 1: Ha!

            Coworker 2: – but not mandatory, since whatever you sent in was, you know, part of your job.

           Coworker 1: You are no help whatsoever.  And the point is, I always seem to mess up around her, and she seems like she’s mad at me all the time, so I can’t face her in person without some kind of posse there with me!

           Coworker 2: OK, but what am I gonna do if she, I don’t know, rightfully reprimands you?  Tell her off?

          Coworker 1: No, I’m just hoping your mere presence will be enough to restrain her from completely removing my head.

          Coworker 2: I doubt it – she sent me an e-mail this morning saying that my presentation has too many slides that’ll make it go overtime when she shows it, which is true now that I step back from the situation and consider all factors, so, you know, there’s that.

             Coworker 1: Meeting’s at 3:00 in the conference room.

             Coworker 2: Oh fine.

3:00 IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM

            (Coworkers 1 and 2 sit at a long table)

            Coworker 1: Can we use the 15-minute rule for work like we did in college?

            Coworker 2: (Playing on phone) If you’d like to get written up, sure.

            (They see the Quality Manager approaching through the room’s windows)

            Coworker 1: (Stands and mutters) OK, here she comes.

          Coworker 2: (Pockets phone and stands) By the way, you owe me a five pound chocolate bar for this.

            Coworker 1: Wha – ?!

           Quality Manager: (Enters the room, beaming widely) Hello!  It’s so great to finally meet you in person!  All this back-and-forth with e-mails, it gets to be so impersonal, don’t you think?

            Coworker 1: …A little bit.

           Quality Manager: (Laughs as they all sit at the table) I know: it’s so convenient and helps me get so much done, but people say I tend to be too to-the-point, you know what I mean?

            Coworker 1: Well….

           Quality Manager: By the way, thank you for always replying so quickly and sending me what I need right away!  I wish everyone had your work ethic!

            Coworker 1: Oh.  Thanks.

           Quality Manager: (Chuckles while opening a laptop) Well, you certainly make my life easier – I don’t have to chase after you all the time for everything.  Now: this should only take about 10 minutes, but I wanted you to see the portal we’re going to start using soon and I figured it’d be easier if I showed it to you instead of sending you a training video or something.

            Coworker 1: Oh yeah, that’ll be great – thanks!

            (Back at Coworker 2’s desk)

          Coworker 2: So.  I could’ve been immersed in reading about my OTP sweetly hooking up multiple times as they should have in Season 57, and instead I got to sit there and listen to you being proven wrong.

            Coworker 1: “OTP?”

            Coworker 2: One True Pairing.

            Coworker 1: Seriously?

            Coworker 2: Don’t bash my ship!

            Coworker 1: I don’t even know what you’re talking about!

         Coworker 2: Your loss.  Anyway, are you satisfied now that your e-mail foe was not the monster you’d built her up to be?

            Coworker 1: Yes, thank you – she was pleasant, and professional, and helpful, and, even, nice.

            Coworker 2: So there.  (Sits at the desk and logs onto the computer)

         Coworker 1: (Standing next to the desk, staring into the middle distance) Now I wonder, though: does this mean that I come off as a horrible person in e-mail?!

          Coworker 2: (Not looking up) I wouldn’t sweat it – without verbal inflections or body language to work with, almost anything you write can come across as mean and rude.  Why do you think I insert smiley faces in everything I send?  Otherwise, whatever I write reads like I think you’re all garbage.