Story 345: Don’t Make Them Pay – Make Them Owe

            (In an office)

            Coworker 1: (Answers a ringing desk phone) Accounts Payable, how can I help you?... Oh hi, how are you?... Yeah, I sent that to you last week so you could get started…. (Grinding teeth) Uh-huh…. Well, there’s a lot going on here, too…. (Grinding teeth harder) OK-let-me-get-back-to-you-on-that-bye.  (Gently replaces the receiver, then places both hands on the desk to push onto the unyielding surface) Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmf!

          Coworker 2: (Not looking up from working on a computer at a nearby desk) Bad news?  Sounds like you’re keeping yourself from pouring out cusses.

           Coworker 1: (Slowly tears a blank piece of paper to shreds) I am serene – (Tear) I am in control of my emotions – (Tear) they do not control me – (Tear-tear-tear)

            Coworker 2: Does that really work?  I’m thinking about trying it.  (Coworker 1 tears the rest of the paper in a frenzy) Guess not.

            Coworker 1: You know, I already have too much to do, why do I have to do someone else’s work now?

            Coworker 2: Someone’s dumping their stuff onto you?

        Coworker 1: Yeah, I sent them our monthly numbers so they could put them into their presentation – like they always do – but now, all of a sudden it’s “Oh, I’m really busy with X, Y, and Z going on, would you mind also doing the slides for me this time, please?”  Yes I very well would mind, I’m busy with A, B, and C going on!  But now if I say “No, you do it!”, as I should, I’m going to sound like I’m whining and people’ll say I’m being difficult and not a team player and I’m just so mad!

            Coworker 2: That you are, in more ways than one.

            Coworker 1: Ha, ha – any suggestions on what I should do, then?  I want payback.

            Coworker 2: (Finally looks over) I think… you should do it.

            Coworker 1: Traitor.

            Coworker 2: You misunderstand: do it, and then they’ll owe you.

           Coworker 1: How so?  I’m the one who’s stuck doing it, and they probably won’t care just as long as they don’t have to do it.

          Coworker 2: Yes, but if make them know how much of a favor you’re doing, you’ll have a hold over them.  They’ll constantly be looking for ways to pay you back, trust me.

            Coworker 1: I doubt it; they’re more likely to just forget it and go on with their life.

          Coworker 2: Don’t let them forget it.  E-mail is a wonderful passive-aggressive tool: use it well and often.

            Coworker 1: Ooh.  This may just work.

ONE WEEK LATER

         Coworker 2: – so I could take early retirement, but then I’d lose almost three years of complaining about work.

          Coworker 1: Good point.  (Phone rings) `Scuse me – (Picks up the receiver) Accounts Payable, how may I help you?... Oh, hello…. (Turns to Coworker 2 and mouths “It’s them”; Coworker 2 mouths “Go for it”) Why yes, it took me quite a bit of time to get it all done, so I hope the slides were good enough for your presentation…. Oh, you’re quite welcome – listen, I hate to cut you off, but I’m the middle of trying to generate a report on this quarter’s returns and it’s taking me forever…. Oh, would you?  (Turns to Coworker 2; both nod at each other) Well, that would certainly be a huge help; I know you’re much better with this software than I am; thank you so much!.... OK, bye-bye!  (Hangs up) Sweet.  I hate doing that report.

            Coworker 2: You’re welcome.  Of course, now you two are even and you can’t get any more work out of them, unless they pull something similar again.

          Coworker 1: Oh no, you’re right!  This means I’ll just have to go around doing favors for everyone here so one day they’ll be doing all of my work for me, hee-hee-hee!  (Looks at Coworker 2 slyly; the latter is back to working on the computer) So, got any projects you have absolutely no time for?

            Coworker 2: Nothing doing – I’m still working off what I owe across three departments.

Story 328: You Sound Meaner in Writing

            (In an office, Coworker 1 walks to Coworker 2’s desk)

            Coworker 1: Hey, can I ask for a favor?

           Coworker 2: (Did not see Coworker 1 approaching and quickly closes a few windows on the monitor and fusses with items on the desk without looking up) Oh hi, sorry, really busy right now, doing that report you know, e-mails, calls, so much going on, not enough hours in the day, they don’t pay us enough for all this stress, right, what?  (Finally looks up at Coworker 1)

            Coworker 1: Still sneaking in ------------- fan fiction?  It’s been almost a year since the series finale.

            Coworker 2: I will never recover from that dumpster fire of an ending, do you hear me?!  So, how can I help?

            Coworker 1: I just got a notice to meet with the quality manager, and I need back-up.

            Coworker 2: Well, she won’t want to see me there: I wasn’t invited to the party.

         Coworker 1: It doesn’t matter, I’ll just say you’re there to take notes and you can doodle gibberish, I just – can’t face her alone.

          Coworker 2: Why not?  Did something happen between you two?  How would you guys’ve even met?  I’ve never seen her down here and everything’s done by e-mail anyway – she probably telecommutes from Tahiti for all we know.

           Coworker 1: No, she’s here, and e-mail’s the problem: going by that, I don’t think she likes me.

           Coworker 2: I’ll need some examples before passing judgement.

          Coworker 1: (Pulls out a phone and scrolls through the screens) OK, here’s one from about a month ago: “The report needs to be submitted by this afternoon; it can’t be late.  This is a State requirement.”  (Looks at Coworker 2 expectantly)

            Coworker 2: OK, a bit brusque, but understandable: the State’s kind of a big deal.

           Coworker 1: All right – (Scrolls a bit) here’s a better one: “This has to be redone – there are too many errors for it to be sent on to Corporate.  If you send a corrected version by tomorrow, that would work.” (Looks at Coworker 2 expectantly)

            Coworker 2: Ohhhh-kaaaay, so you messed up a report and got told to fix it before it went to the bigwigs?

             Coworker 1: That’s not the point – can’t you just feel the reproach oozing out of the screen?

             Coworker 2: I’d reproach you too if you’d sent me shoddy work.

          Coworker 1: All right, bad example.  (Scrolls a bit) Aha!  This one’s perfect: “Report received.  I will contact you next month for updates.”  (Looks expectantly at Coworker 2) Well?

            Coworker 2: Eh....

            Coworker 1: Well?!

            Coworker 2: I guess a “Thank you” would’ve been nice –

            Coworker 1: Ha!

            Coworker 2: – but not mandatory, since whatever you sent in was, you know, part of your job.

           Coworker 1: You are no help whatsoever.  And the point is, I always seem to mess up around her, and she seems like she’s mad at me all the time, so I can’t face her in person without some kind of posse there with me!

           Coworker 2: OK, but what am I gonna do if she, I don’t know, rightfully reprimands you?  Tell her off?

          Coworker 1: No, I’m just hoping your mere presence will be enough to restrain her from completely removing my head.

          Coworker 2: I doubt it – she sent me an e-mail this morning saying that my presentation has too many slides that’ll make it go overtime when she shows it, which is true now that I step back from the situation and consider all factors, so, you know, there’s that.

             Coworker 1: Meeting’s at 3:00 in the conference room.

             Coworker 2: Oh fine.

3:00 IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM

            (Coworkers 1 and 2 sit at a long table)

            Coworker 1: Can we use the 15-minute rule for work like we did in college?

            Coworker 2: (Playing on phone) If you’d like to get written up, sure.

            (They see the Quality Manager approaching through the room’s windows)

            Coworker 1: (Stands and mutters) OK, here she comes.

          Coworker 2: (Pockets phone and stands) By the way, you owe me a five pound chocolate bar for this.

            Coworker 1: Wha – ?!

           Quality Manager: (Enters the room, beaming widely) Hello!  It’s so great to finally meet you in person!  All this back-and-forth with e-mails, it gets to be so impersonal, don’t you think?

            Coworker 1: …A little bit.

           Quality Manager: (Laughs as they all sit at the table) I know: it’s so convenient and helps me get so much done, but people say I tend to be too to-the-point, you know what I mean?

            Coworker 1: Well….

           Quality Manager: By the way, thank you for always replying so quickly and sending me what I need right away!  I wish everyone had your work ethic!

            Coworker 1: Oh.  Thanks.

           Quality Manager: (Chuckles while opening a laptop) Well, you certainly make my life easier – I don’t have to chase after you all the time for everything.  Now: this should only take about 10 minutes, but I wanted you to see the portal we’re going to start using soon and I figured it’d be easier if I showed it to you instead of sending you a training video or something.

            Coworker 1: Oh yeah, that’ll be great – thanks!

            (Back at Coworker 2’s desk)

          Coworker 2: So.  I could’ve been immersed in reading about my OTP sweetly hooking up multiple times as they should have in Season 57, and instead I got to sit there and listen to you being proven wrong.

            Coworker 1: “OTP?”

            Coworker 2: One True Pairing.

            Coworker 1: Seriously?

            Coworker 2: Don’t bash my ship!

            Coworker 1: I don’t even know what you’re talking about!

         Coworker 2: Your loss.  Anyway, are you satisfied now that your e-mail foe was not the monster you’d built her up to be?

            Coworker 1: Yes, thank you – she was pleasant, and professional, and helpful, and, even, nice.

            Coworker 2: So there.  (Sits at the desk and logs onto the computer)

         Coworker 1: (Standing next to the desk, staring into the middle distance) Now I wonder, though: does this mean that I come off as a horrible person in e-mail?!

          Coworker 2: (Not looking up) I wouldn’t sweat it – without verbal inflections or body language to work with, almost anything you write can come across as mean and rude.  Why do you think I insert smiley faces in everything I send?  Otherwise, whatever I write reads like I think you’re all garbage.