Story 336: Best Staycation EVER!

            (At home, Employee is wearing pajamas and stretched out on the bed, with a laptop, phone, and snacks within easy reach)

            Employee: (Scrolling through work e-mail) Sweet, no one expects me to answer these things in two seconds anymore; I could get used to this.  (Phone rings; Employee checks the caller ID and answers with a slight frown) Hey Boss, since Corporate won’t issue me a phone this call is eating up my minutes, what’s up?

            Manager: Yeah, so, I’m sure you’ve figured out by now we’ve not done so well this past quarter –

            Employee: No kidding, but at least our misery has global company this time, know-what-I-mean?

            Manager: …Right, so, I spoke with H.R. and they said you need to take a two-week vacation.  Starting now.

            Employee: (Sits up suddenly, disturbing potato chips) What?!  I’ve been saving those hours for Miami in the fall!

            Manager: Yeah, well, you may have all the hours in the fall if you don’t take your vacation now, know what I mean?

            Employee: Oh.  But the fall?

            Manager: Worry about the fall when it’s the fall – even after the two weeks you might have to be furloughed just so there’s still a company after all this is over.

           Employee: I guess – but Boss, hardly anything around here’s open, what am I gonna do for two-plus weeks?

           Manager: Don’t know and don’t care, just do your part and stay home!  And hopefully see you on the other side.

            Employee: What?  (Hears the call disconnect; stares at the phone, then at the laptop as the work e-mail access is cut off) Hm.  Indefinite vacation, nowhere to go, and nothing to do.  (Stares at the computer, then smiles evilly while flexing hands) Do my part, eh?  Golden age of technology, here I come.

            (An hour later, a masked food delivery worker arrives at Employee’s condo door, knocks, and sets down the bag just as Employee opens the door, still wearing pajamas and a bare face)

            Employee: Howdy!

            Food Delivery Worker: Ah!  You already paid!  (Flees)

          Employee: (Picks up the bag while staring at the fleeing figure) Must be new on the job.  (Returns indoors and dumps the bag and its contents just everywhere)

          (An hour later, a masked mail carrier arrives and sets down a package just as Employee opens the door, still wearing pajamas and a bare face)

            Employee: Howdy!

          Mail Carrier: Dude, wait till I’m gone, you all never leave me alone on a good day!  (Flees; barking dogs follow) Oh come on!

            Employee: (Picks up the package) Guess I’d be grumpy too if I had go through snow, rain, heat, and gloom of night.   (Returns indoors and dumps the box and its contents just everywhere) At last, I can finally watch the entire series in all its glory.  Again.  (Pulls out a DVD sleeve) Ew, not Season 1, though – that was garbage.  (Tosses it aside and brings the rest of the collection to the living room while rubbing eyes)

            (An hour later, Employee arrives at a video game store and is sprayed with disinfectant from head-to-toe by the hazmat-suited employee at the entrance)

            Video Game Store Employee: (Muffled voice) What do you want?

            Employee: (Spitting out disinfectant) And good day to you, too – (Holds out a disc in a case) I finished this and want a new one.

          Video Game Store Employee: (Grabs the case with a pair of tongs, tosses it over the front counter, then uses a separate pair of tongs to grab a random case and tosses it into Employee’s hands) Here – we’ll charge it to your account, now get out!

            Employee: (Turns over the case) But I don’t know anything about this one – can I test it out?  (Gestures with the case at the demo station, which is covered in caution tape)

            Video Game Store Employee: I wouldn’t.

            (On the way home, Employee detours onto the parkway)

            Employee: (Driving close to 100 mph with all the windows down) Woo-hoo!  Outta my way, slowpokes – oh that’s right, THERE’S NO ONE ELSE HERE!  (Reaches 100 mph) This is THE LIFE!  This is FREEDOM!  WHEEEEEE!!!! (Hears sirens and sees flashing lights in the rearview mirror) Oh, they’re still on the roads.

            (Several hours later, Employee waits in the condo development’s parking lot as a tow truck bearing a brand new car arrives)

            Employee: Yesssss!  Just the color I wanted and everything.  (Shouts to the masked driver) You can drop it into this spot here – my old car’s in impound, so they can keep it!  (As the driver lowers the car into the spot, Employee sees a masked neighbor out walking the dog) Howdy!  (Neighbor and dog stop to stare at the spectacle, Neighbor with furrowed eyebrows.  Employee chuckles and makes a show of pulling T-shirt over nose and mouth; immediately drops it after Neighbor and dog move on)

            Tow Truck Driver: (Unchaining new car) Be out of your way in a minute.

            Employee: No worries – I’ve got all the time in the world.  (Holds out some bills when the job is done)

           Tow Truck Driver: I don’t want your filthy money!  (Runs into the tow truck and speeds away)

            Employee: Hm.  Seems no one wants to get paid lately.

            (Later that night, Employee is playing the new video game)

           Employee: Ugh, these boss battles are the worst!  Knew they should’ve let me test it out, those wimps.  (The power suddenly cuts out as the entire development moans in unison) Great, now what am I gonna do?!  (There is a knock on the door) Ooh, pizza’s here!

(Within an hour, the power is restored)

Employee: (Sitting on the couch, texting on the phone when the lights suddenly blaze back on) Whew, thought we had an actual crisis there for a bit.  (Tries to start the video game on the TV again but sees that the modem now is damaged from a power surge) Oh no, another disaster!  When will this madness end?!  (Works on the phone while muttering) I’ll just hop on next door’s foolishly unsecure Wi-Fi and we’ll be back in business….

            (An hour later, a drone gently beats against Employee’s window; Employee opens it and takes a box from the drone)

            Drone: (Computer voice) Do not touch me.  (Flies away)

            Employee: Wow, they’re making those things smarter and smarter by the day.  That’s what we all should be worried about.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

            (Employee wanders around the condo wearing ratty pajamas and messy hair while talking on the phone)

            Employee: …I don’t see what everyone’s complaining about – I’m having the time of my life, and I’m getting paid for it!  (Dumps the contents of a cereal box into mouth) Yeah, I know it’s just for now, but that’s next week’s problem…. Why should I?  It’s raining all the time, and you can get almost anything you want delivered.  I don’t even have to go to the grocery store – I just have them deliver whenever I run out of something.... Yeah, I could combine it into one big order, but when I run out I need it now `cause it’s important!  Besides, it’s job security for them, right?  I’m just doing my part like everyone keeps telling me to, right?  (There is a knock on the door) Speaking of which, sounds like my chocolate chip cookies are finally here, bye!  (Disconnects the call and opens the door; a box with a note is on the ground) So rude.  (Returns indoors, dumps the box and the contents just everywhere, and immediately begins eating the cookies while reading the note) …You guys can’t cut off home delivery for me, I’m your best customer!  And I only order four times a day, what’s the big deal?!  (Crumples up the note and tosses it onto the floor) Oh well, plenty of stores to move on to.  (Flops onto the couch, turns on the TV, eats more cookies, and sighs contentedly) Aaaaahhhh, I so love being on vacation and saving the world at the same time.  Those old timers were right: giving really is better than receiving.