Story 312: Ghost of Garbage Past

            (On a park trail, Hiker is walking at a brisk pace and whistling a merry tune.  Finishing off a plastic water bottle, she tosses it over her shoulder into the bushes off to the side.  Pulling a newspaper out of her backpack, she reads it for a bit while walking and then crumples it up and pitches it overhand into the woods.  She then pulls a bunch of plastic bags out of the backpack, tosses the bundle back and forth between her hands, then lifts one leg to chuck the bag bunch underneath her knee and bank it off a tree.  She pauses in her stride and whistling when she sees a trail marker with a bag hanging on it – a bag obviously filled with animal waste)

            Hiker: (Shaking her head in disgust as she moves on) Dog walkers.

            (She continues on the trail, oblivious to the POV shot shakily watching her through the trees and bushes.  There are cracking branches, crackling leaves, and ominous music, signaling something approaching closer)

            Hiker: (Consulting a trail map) Ugh!  This must be out-of-date – there clearly is not a bridge for me to cross this pesky stream here anymore.  (Crushes the map and throws it into a hollow in a nearby tree, then hears the cracking and crackling as they get closer) Chipmunks must be antsy today.  (Starts walking again as the POV shot shakily and quickly zooms towards her – she finally turns around, widens her eyes, throws her arms out wide, and screams weirdly)

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            (At the trailhead at dusk, three park rangers and Hiker’s Relative assemble)

            Chief Ranger: (To the other rangers) Still no sign?

            Park Ranger 1: (Out of breath) No, and I did the black diamond trail twice.

            Hiker’s Relative: Why?  I told you she only does the blue square trail.

            Park Ranger 1: Oh right, I forgot.

           Park Ranger 2: Well, I did all three blue square trails, and nothing – however, this just lends credence to my argument that we need to install cameras along all the trails, especially since I just now found at least 10 bags of dog poop and they show up at the same time and in the same places each week –

            Chief Ranger: We are not discussing this again: there’s no money in the budget for cameras on all 15 miles of trails here.

            Park Ranger 2: Oh, but there’s money in the budget for all the antibiotics we have to take for infections and the biohazard suits we have to wear, then?!

            (There are rustling trees at the trailhead, indicating something is approaching)

            Hiker’s Relative: What’s that?

          (They all shine flashlights at the shaky POV shot heading closer to them, accompanied by ominous music)

            Chief Ranger: (Mutters) Wish there was enough in the budget for at least stun guns.

            (After a lot of noise, Hiker stumbles out of the woods and into the parking lot; she is covered head-to-toe in all sorts of dripping garbage)

            Hiker: Gross… gross….

            Park Ranger 2: Ghost?

            Park Ranger 1: Ghost!

         (They scream until Chief Ranger smacks them both upside the head; Hiker collapses into Relative’s arms)

            Hiker’s Relative: Gross.

            Chief Ranger: (To Hiker) What happened to you out there?

            Hiker: (Shivering) Unclean… monster… revenge…..

            Park Ranger 2: (Nodding encouragingly) Ghost?

            Chief Ranger: Unbelievable.  Why can’t we just have a normal mugger like every other public place out there?

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

(In a meeting room at the Ranger Station the next day)

Park Ranger 2: (Standing next to a projector screen that has a photo of trash all along a trail on it) And that is why our carry-in/carry-out policy clearly is not working.

Chief Ranger: We’re here to talk about last night’s ghost incident, not your ongoing campaign against the littering trailwalkers.

Park Ranger 2: I felt now was a good time to resurrect the issue, if you get my meaning.

Chief Ranger: I’d rather not; now sit down.  (Park Ranger 2 sits on a folding chair next to Park Ranger 1; Chief Ranger stands to address them) So, after the police interviewed that hiker last night, turns out there’s no actual description of a perp, no known motive, and no real damage done except needing to take a really long shower.

Park Ranger 1: Wait, no description?  She didn’t see the ghost that did it?

Chief Ranger: Well, she said it basically was – (Checks notebook) “A moving mass of garbage.”  Obviously can’t work off of that.

Park Ranger 2: (Shoots hand into the air) Oooh, oooh, I’ve got it!  Maybe it’s not a “ghost” per se: maybe it’s the woods itself attacking people who litter, using their own garbage against them as the perfect form of revenge!

Chief Ranger: …Nah, I like it being a ghost better.  Right – we’re going to spend today walking the trails and seeing if there are any remnants this weirdo spirit may have left behind.

Park Ranger 1: Shouldn’t the cops be doing that?  `Cause we’re not cops.

Chief Ranger: They are doing that, but they don’t know the trails like we do, with all the places people up to no good tend to hang out.  Figure the ghost’d go there, too.

Park Ranger 1: Yeah, I don’t really know all those, either.

Chief Ranger: For the love of – (Grabs a pamphlet titled “Undercover Trails” from a drawer and hands it to Park Ranger 1) Bring this with you and try to memorize at least some of it, please?  And if you two find anything suspicious, radio me and I’ll bring the police to your position.

Park Ranger 2: Does suspicious include –

Chief Ranger: Just if you find any humans, living or after-living, where they shouldn’t be.

Park Ranger 1: (Points to an area on the brochure) Heh-heh, I remember this spot from when I was in high school.

Chief Ranger: Yes, about 500 teenagers have gone there; none of you have any originality.

Park Ranger 1: Oh.  I thought it was special.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            (On the trail around where Hiker was garbaged)

            Park Ranger 2: (Wearing gloves and collecting trash into a large bag) Not enough money for cameras – I know it’s the same 27 people spreading their filth wherever they go, I just need to start following them or something.  (Stops suddenly, looking at the full bag) Let’s try this.  (Cringes, then upends the bag to spread the contents onto the middle of the trail; addressing the skies) OH MY.  LOOK WHAT JUST HAPPENED – ALL THESE POTATO CHIP BAGS AND CIGARETTE BUTTS AND WATER BOTTLES AND PLASTIC WRAPPERS AND TISSUES AND WHAT-NOT, JUST ALL OVER THE PLACE.  (Peers closer at the pile)  Are those condoms and tampons?!

           (POV shot shakily and quickly approaches to the sound of cracking branches, crackling leaves, and ominous music; Park Ranger 2 turns around)

            Park Ranger 2: (Eyes widen upon seeing a massive wall of garbage moving quickly closer) I KNEW IT!  (As Wall almost hits, Park Ranger 2 holds out hands) WAIT!  (Wall freezes; Park Ranger 2 quickly picks up all the pieces of garbage again and places them back into the bag) Are you the Ghost of Garbage Past, or are you the Spirit of the Woods, or are you Mother Nature herself?  (Wall shrugs) You know, I’ve been trying to tackle this problem of people tossing their stuff around here like the park is one giant trash bin for years, but there are so many acres and so few of us that it’s felt like a losing battle for some time now.  (Wall shrugs again) You also know, they’re gonna wind up pinning what you did on some unknown rando – I’d say keep on doing it, but no one’ll ever believe who you really are and mend their ways because of that, so what’s the point of you garbaging people?  (Wall marks the word “REVENGE” on the trail) True, but they’re still going to litter anyway, because they learn nothing.  Maybe I can sneak garbage cans onto next year’s budget and have some volunteers sweep through here more often?  (Wall shrugs, then leaves)  Thanks!  Maybe still get dump yourself on some of those jerks though, just to keep them on their toes, know what I mean?

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            (Back at the Ranger Station)

            Chief Ranger: So none of us found anything?

           Park Ranger 1: Actually, I did find a pot garden and $14 in quarters, but I figured that’s not what you meant.

            Chief Ranger: (To Park Ranger 2) And you?

            Park Ranger 2: I think we won’t be having this problem anymore. (Winks broadly)

            Chief Ranger: What on Earth are you talking about?

           Park Ranger 2: Uh, actually, uh, no one else has reported anything unusual on the trails, and that Hiker called this afternoon saying she’s joining some nature organization that preserves open spaces and such, so… that, should be… that.

           Chief Ranger: What?!  Some freak human or freak inhuman could still be out there dumping garbage all over taxpayers, and you think it’s case closed?!

         Park Ranger 2: (Looks out the window at the gently swaying trees) We’ve come to an arrangement.

             Chief Ranger: Now that’s just creepy.

Story 272: The Accidental Adventure

            (Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat)

            Friend 2: (Looking out the window) Sure you still don’t want to try ---------- ----- Park?

            Friend 1: They’re digging up half the place to install who-knows-what and the other half’ll be all muddy with yesterday’s rain.  Least at ----- ---- Park, we can use the paved trails all the way and hop on the roads if the mud takes over.

            Friend 2: Yeah, but this is the off-season; the beaches there are closed.

           Friend 1: And?  We’re not there for the beach: it’s January and we’re not dedicated fishers, or surfers, or dog-walkers.

            Friend 2: The restrooms also will be closed.  (Friend 1 glares at Friend 2) Might be something to think about.

            Friend 1: I think you should’ve gone before we left, like a good child.

            (They drive into the park)

            Friend 2: Oh no, the sign says there’s limited service.

            Friend 1: Of course there is, it’s off-season; didn’t we just have this conversation?

            Friend 2: No, it says there’s limited service because of the government shutdown.

            Friend 1: (Covers right ear with right hand while steering with the left) No politics, la-la-la-la-la!

            Friend 2: It’s not – I’m telling you what the sign says; this technically is a national park so there’s going to be limited service here during the shut –

            Friend 1: (Briefly covers both ears) NO!  POLITICS!

            Friend 2: Obtuse.  I’m just surprised this place is even open at all.

            Friend 1: Whelp, they didn’t seal off the entrance and there’re other cars milling about like us, so we’re going for it!

            (They aim for a parking lot and see a ranger truck and wooden barricades are blocking it)

            Friend 2: Huh, people are still working here – good show.

            Friend 1: Aw man, this was my starting point for the trail!

            Friend 2: Why not just go back to where it starts by the park entrance?

            Friend 1: Go back?  Never!  It’s onward or nothing!  (Speeds off)

            Friend 2: You’re exhausting.

            (They turn onto a lane for another lot that leads through the woods and far off the main road)

            Friend 2: How big is this island?  We’ve been driving on this thing for five minutes and I’ve yet to see any other cars –

            Friend 1: (Leaning forward intensely and gripping the steering wheel) It’s not an island, it’s a peninsula!

            Friend 2: Seriously?!  Ooh, quick, there’s the lot over there!

           Friend 1: (Swerves into the lot and parks with screeching tires) See?  There are other cars here.

           Friend 2: Yes, two whole other cars.  I have no idea where we are now – where’s the trail map?

            Friend 1: (As they exit the car) I never bother with those here: it’s all paved trails, where else are we gonna go, the ocean?

            Friend 2: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean the trail won’t just disappear into the ocean, and then where will we be?!

            Friend 1: We’ll just keep the water on our left as we head back, now stop ruining this for me!  (Finds the trail) You coming or not?

          Friend 2: (Sighs) The moment we get lost, I’m turning around and leaving you with the seagulls.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 1: Ah, there’s the lighthouse!  The last time I tried to drive over to it I wound up in the middle of a small town and was afraid the Coast Guard was going to kick me out.

           Friend 2: Great, you finally found the ginormous lighthouse that’s been hiding from you all these years, can we go now?

            Friend 1: It took us 45 minutes to drive out here; we are staying at least an hour and a half to get our time’s worth.  I would say money’s worth, but they only charge admission in the summer.

            Friend 2: An hour and – ?  I don’t think I can walk that long in one stretch!

           Friend 1: Lazy.  Go sit on the World War II battery wall and I’ll get you on the way back, then.

          Friend 2: No way you’re not – the woods on the other side look like they’re hiding something up to no good.

TEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 1: (Pointing to the right side of the trail) Oh look, a random workout station!

            Friend 2: That… certainly is random.

          Friend 1: Want to try it out?  I need to work on my arms.  (Hops onto one of the machines and begins pulling levers)

          Friend 2: That’s OK, I’m getting sufficient exercise at the moment.  (Hears a noise and freezes) Are there bears here?

            Friend 1: (In mid-pull) Huh?  Nah, just about 300 species of migratory birds, but no bears.

            Friend 2: How do you know?

            Friend 1: Said so on the Web site.  (Hops off the machine)

          Friend 2: Well what if that wasn’t updated?  What if bears were driven out of their homes on the mainland and decided to hang out here where it’s peaceful?  These trees aren’t big enough to climb away from them and there’s no one to call for help in time and I would never be able to outrun one and it’ll be a terrible way to die!

            Friend 1: You’re exhausting.  (Continues on the trail)

            Friend 2: That’s my line!

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 1: Ooh, look over there – ruins!

            Friend 2: Huh?

            Friend 1: (Runs past and climbs up an elevated cement floor in a clearing, spreading arms out) I read this was a testing ground for World War II weapons – they used to fire the big guns here – (Points down, then over to a fenced off area behind them) and there’re old buildings over there where they used to store everything.  You can tell that was important `cause now it’s all condemned.

            Friend 2: (Reads one of the explanatory signs stationed in the area) Hm.  They used to shoot things here until they saw the range was too short and had to pack the whole thing off to another state.  Bet the wildlife here was happy about that.

            Friend 1: (Hops back down to the ground, looking off to the side) Yeah; wonder if that guy is a reenactor or something.

            Friend 2: (Looks up from the sign) What guy?

           Friend 1: (Gestures with head) That guy, with the old-timey uniform.  Think he’s an employee, or a volunteer who does this sort of stuff for kicks?

         (They watch as the guy walks to the condemned area, opens a non-existent door, and disappears from view)

            Friend 2: I’d like to get lost some more now, please.

            Friend 1: Let’s.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            (On a beach)

           Friend 2: All right, how much longer can I stare at the soothing waves and impersonal city skyline?

            Friend 1: (Staring at the waves) Just a little longer….

          Friend 2: (Looks behind them) Oh good, there’s the lighthouse; as long as we keep that in  view, we should be able to make our way back to the car easily.

            Friend 1: Hm?  Oh yeah, good, `cause I lost track of the turn-offs we made ages ago.  Guess I should’ve brought a trail map, huh?

            Friend 2: Sigh.

TEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: So, the lighthouse should be getting bigger as we get closer to it, yes?

            Friend 1: Just keep walking: we are on the trail and the trail will not lead us astray.

            Friend 2: That’s true if we’re walking in the right direction –

            Friend 1: Never question the trail!

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: Did we pass that half-collapsed building when we first got here this morning, or did we just pass it five minutes ago?

           Friend 1: (Starts spinning helplessly in the center of a grassy common, surrounded by old Navy buildings converted into marine science labs) I – don’t – know!!!!! (Collapses onto the grass and sobs)

            Friend 2: All right, get up.  (Hauls Friend 1 off the ground and brushes off grass; points to a road) I think that was by the beginning part of the trail that led us here; we can take that back and see if it’ll bring us to the car, OK?

            Friend 1: (Sniffles) OK.

            Friend 2: (Puts a comforting arm around Friend 1’s shoulder as they walk) Would you like me to make you some hot chocolate when we get back?

            Friend 1: (Sniffles) OK.

           (They turn a corner and see the car, now surrounded by a massive number of vehicles in the lot)

            Friend 1: (Runs to the car and kisses the windshield) Oh bless you, my baby, I’ll never leave you again!

            Friend 2: Whatever – could you let me in?

          Friend 1: Oh, right.  (Unlocks the doors and the two collapse inside) Wow, my feet sure do hurt.  Good thing we don’t have to walk all the way back home, heh?

            Friend 2: Heh-heh-heh – just drive.

           Friend 1: (Starts the engine, pulls out of the lot onto one of the roads, then slams on the brakes) So… any idea which way now to get out of here?