Story 526: Laziness Life Goal

             (In a high school administration office, Guidance Counselor and Student sit on opposite sides of a desk)

Guidance Counselor: So, it’s that time of life where we basically go over what you want to be when you grow up.  I see in your transcripts that you excel academically and have been taking every college prep course available; you’ve been doing well in sports, mainly track and field; you belong to several clubs that work with the community; you play several instruments in all the bands here and step in with chorus if needed; you’ve been Class Treasurer, Secretary, and Vice President these past three years with election to President extremely likely next year; you work two part-time jobs most nights and weekends and three during the summer; and you volunteer with both the local humane society and the county paramedics.  My only question for you is this: where exactly would you like to focus all this energy into, as a career?

Student: (Leaning back in the chair) Career?

Guidance Counselor: Yes – your interests seem to be a bit all over the place, so tell me: what is your ultimate goal in life?

Student: (Leans back farther in the chair to stretch) Whelp, my true ambition can be boiled down to one word: laziness.

Guidance Counselor: I beg your pardon?

Student: No need.  (Sits up straight) Listen, I do all this – (Waves hand in the general direction of Guidance Counselor’s papers and computer) stuff on a surface-level basis; my heart’s not really in any of these things, you know.

Guidance Counselor: Clearly.

Student: So, I’m doing all these activities 24/7 now, while I’m mentally and physically able, to get to the point where I’m super-successful and then don’t have to do anything ever again.

Guidance Counselor: Well, that’s called “retirement,” which should’ve been about 50 years from now for you but more likely will be 60-to-70 at the rate things are going.  Mine got pushed back at least another 15 years, so I completely empathize with subsequent generations.

Student: …Yeah, I’m not waiting that long.

Guidance Counselor: Understandable.  So, what field do you plan to be super-successful in, hm?

Student: All of them.

Guidance Counselor: Ambitious, but let’s narrow it down to one or two.

Student: I’m serious.  I plan to succeed in math, science, literature, history, civics, religion, technology, sports, art, music, espionage, agriculture, dubiously-ethical archaeology, monarchy, and space exploration.  (Guidance Counselor stares at Student) That list isn’t comprehensive, though – it grows every few months.

Guidance Counselor: Barring the… physical impossibility of one person being able to do all of that, you’re telling me that you plan to not only accomplish but succeed in all these things solely to reach your end goal of… doing nothing?

Student: Exactly.

Guidance Counselor: Why not save yourself the trouble and just do nothing now?

Student: (Sighs tragically) Societal expectations.  When I reach the moment in my life where I can do nothing with no repercussions, I want everyone in the world to feel that it is well-deserved and not that I’m a leech on society.  Oh, the pressures of communal judgement on such a young, extraordinary mind as mine!  (Grabs head in despair)

Guidance Counselor: (Writes notes) I’m going to recommend that you apply to universities with programs in political science and legal studies - they’ll appreciate your strong work ethic and sense of drama.

Student (Look back up at Guidance Counselor) OK, sounds good.

TWENTY YEARS LATER

(Student-Now-Success stands on a balcony overlooking luscious gardens and many buildings, pools, and sports fields on a private estate, and smiles in contentment)

Success: I did it: today’s the day, at long last.  (Turns back inside to a sumptuous parlor, sits down on a massive couch facing a gargantuan table, opens a tiny laptop, and navigates to a site to address The World) Good people of Earth: today I am announcing my official retirement from all public activities, that have been and always will be in service of this glorious planet.

People of Earth: (Through the computer’s speakers) Awwwwwwww….

Success: (Briefly holds up a placating hand) I know, I know; this may seem sudden and quite early in my presumably long life, but please, don’t cry for your loss of me – the work will always continue, and there will always be hardworking volunteers to succeed me in our glorious opportunities.  Do not weep, do not mourn – I only ask that you remember me fondly, and don’t try to initiate contact: after I end this transmission, I’m never answering another message again.  (Ends the transmission to the sounds of worldwide wailing, shuts down the laptop, leans back on the couch, and closes eyes in bliss.  Several seconds later, eyes reopen suddenly) Now what?

Story 222: When I Grow Up….

            Child, Age 6: Momma, Poppa: when I grow up, I’m going to be a doctor, a police officer, a ballet dancer, and a firefighter.

            Mother: That’s great honey – now get ready for school.

            Child, Age 6: Aw, do I have to?

            Father: If you want to have any of those careers, yes.

            Child, Age 6: OK – oh, and I also want to be an international spy.

            Mother: Well isn’t that nice.  (Mentally reviews toys currently in the house for ones that may need to be relocated)

            Child, Age 10: Mom?  How much schooling do I need to be a barrister?

            Mother: That’s in England, sweetie: if you want to be a lawyer here, then you have to go to law school after college.

            Child, Age 10: Oh.  How about if I want to be a lion tamer?

          Mother: I believe that’s a mix between being a part of the family business and on-the-job training.

            Child, Age 10: Oh.  I think I want to be a politician.

           Mother: If you want, but be prepared to have half your constituents hate you and the other half asking you for favors all the time.

            Child, Age 10: Cool.

           Child, Age 18: Dad, do you know who I should contact if I want to work for a newspaper after college?

          Father: That’s great – I think I know a few people, and I’m sure your school’s career center can help with an internship.  Interested in being a reporter, eh?

          Child, Age 18: I actually want one day to be in charge of the Obituaries.  I find all those stories absolutely fascinating.

            Father: …OK.

            Father: So, how’s life in the obits?

           Child, Age 20: Kind of limiting, really.  They have me also doing features on local restaurants and community carnivals, and the whole thing day in, day out, week in, week out, and on and on is getting a bit repetitive.  I don’t think I can stay in this business for the next half-century, if I even last that long.

            Father: Have you been looking into anything else, then?  What about your goals way-back when of being a lawyer, or a doctor?  Or a ballet dancer?

            Child, Age 20: Dad, I haven’t wanted to be a ballet dancer since I was a kid!

            Father: And what are you now?

            Child, Age 20: Dad!  But seriously, I don’t know, maybe I’ll try doing the doctor thing.

            Father: “Try”??

            Child, Age 22: So Mom, hate to have to tell you this, but I decided to take some courses to be a CPA now.

            Mother: Your major was English.

            Child, Age 22: Yeah, but that can translate into almost any career – that’s the beauty of it.

           Mother: If that’s what you really want.  You do realize that this round of schooling’s on you, yes?

            Child, Age 22: Huh?  I mean, yeah, I knew that.

         Child, Age 30: Mom, Dad: I wanted to let you know that I can’t stand being a paralegal anymore and I decided to go back to school to become a physician’s assistant.  Or a nurse practitioner – you know, whichever.

           Mother: That’s great, hon, but are you sure you want to change careers so drastically?  It’s a lot more schooling, and what if you wind up not liking it?

            Father: Or you’re just no good at it?  (Mother lightly smacks him)

           Child, Age 30: I’m sure it’ll all be worth it.  I’ve always wanted to help people, and I know I’ll never be able to do the whole doctor bit so I figured this would be the next best thing.

          Mother: It’s going to be a lot of work and dedication, though, plus malpractice insurance – what if you get sued? –

            Child, Age 30: But Mom, it’s such a noble profession!

            Child, Age 35: So, I think me wanting to be a P.A. was a bit of a mistake.

            Mother: How’s that, dear?

          Child, Age 35: Turns out that, try as I might, I really don’t like people that much, and I’m really not that good at medicine.  Or math.  Or stressful situations.  Or life.

            Father: All right, you’ve figured that out, now what?

           Child, Age 35: I think I’ll go join the Peace Corps, or some other worthwhile cause.  Maybe then I’ll feel fulfilled.

            Mother: What about going back to journalism, hm?

            Child, Age 35: I guess, if I wanted to kill my soul!

            Mother: Don’t be dramatic; you have to do something with your life, though.

            Child, Age 35: I know, you’re right.  It’s the whole paradox of choice that’s getting me down, is all.

            Father: I can solve that for you by enlisting you in the reserves.

            Child, Age 35: That would be something.  Yes, I think that will do nicely –

            Father: Thank goodness.

            Child, Age 35: – for now.