(In a high school administration office, Guidance Counselor and Student sit on opposite sides of a desk)
Guidance Counselor: So, it’s that time of life where we basically go over what you want to be when you grow up. I see in your transcripts that you excel academically and have been taking every college prep course available; you’ve been doing well in sports, mainly track and field; you belong to several clubs that work with the community; you play several instruments in all the bands here and step in with chorus if needed; you’ve been Class Treasurer, Secretary, and Vice President these past three years with election to President extremely likely next year; you work two part-time jobs most nights and weekends and three during the summer; and you volunteer with both the local humane society and the county paramedics. My only question for you is this: where exactly would you like to focus all this energy into, as a career?
Student: (Leaning back in the chair) Career?
Guidance Counselor: Yes – your interests seem to be a bit all over the place, so tell me: what is your ultimate goal in life?
Student: (Leans back farther in the chair to stretch) Whelp, my true ambition can be boiled down to one word: laziness.
Guidance Counselor: I beg your pardon?
Student: No need. (Sits up straight) Listen, I do all this – (Waves hand in the general direction of Guidance Counselor’s papers and computer) stuff on a surface-level basis; my heart’s not really in any of these things, you know.
Guidance Counselor: Clearly.
Student: So, I’m doing all these activities 24/7 now, while I’m mentally and physically able, to get to the point where I’m super-successful and then don’t have to do anything ever again.
Guidance Counselor: Well, that’s called “retirement,” which should’ve been about 50 years from now for you but more likely will be 60-to-70 at the rate things are going. Mine got pushed back at least another 15 years, so I completely empathize with subsequent generations.
Student: …Yeah, I’m not waiting that long.
Guidance Counselor: Understandable. So, what field do you plan to be super-successful in, hm?
Student: All of them.
Guidance Counselor: Ambitious, but let’s narrow it down to one or two.
Student: I’m serious. I plan to succeed in math, science, literature, history, civics, religion, technology, sports, art, music, espionage, agriculture, dubiously-ethical archaeology, monarchy, and space exploration. (Guidance Counselor stares at Student) That list isn’t comprehensive, though – it grows every few months.
Guidance Counselor: Barring the… physical impossibility of one person being able to do all of that, you’re telling me that you plan to not only accomplish but succeed in all these things solely to reach your end goal of… doing nothing?
Student: Exactly.
Guidance Counselor: Why not save yourself the trouble and just do nothing now?
Student: (Sighs tragically) Societal expectations. When I reach the moment in my life where I can do nothing with no repercussions, I want everyone in the world to feel that it is well-deserved and not that I’m a leech on society. Oh, the pressures of communal judgement on such a young, extraordinary mind as mine! (Grabs head in despair)
Guidance Counselor: (Writes notes) I’m going to recommend that you apply to universities with programs in political science and legal studies - they’ll appreciate your strong work ethic and sense of drama.
Student
(Look back up at Guidance Counselor) OK, sounds good.
TWENTY
YEARS LATER
(Student-Now-Success stands on a balcony overlooking luscious gardens and many buildings, pools, and sports fields on a private estate, and smiles in contentment)
Success: I did it: today’s the day, at long last. (Turns back inside to a sumptuous parlor, sits down on a massive couch facing a gargantuan table, opens a tiny laptop, and navigates to a site to address The World) Good people of Earth: today I am announcing my official retirement from all public activities, that have been and always will be in service of this glorious planet.
People of Earth: (Through the computer’s speakers) Awwwwwwww….
Success: (Briefly holds up a placating hand) I know, I know; this may seem sudden and quite early in my presumably long life, but please, don’t cry for your loss of me – the work will always continue, and there will always be hardworking volunteers to succeed me in our glorious opportunities. Do not weep, do not mourn – I only ask that you remember me fondly, and don’t try to initiate contact: after I end this transmission, I’m never answering another message again. (Ends the transmission to the sounds of worldwide wailing, shuts down the laptop, leans back on the couch, and closes eyes in bliss. Several seconds later, eyes reopen suddenly) Now what?
